It has just gone half past four in the morning as I write this first line. I’ve entered yet another unbalanced sleep pattern, which I am now trying to correct. A few late lie-ins due to alcoholic over-indulgence is usually the cause of this, and is certainly responsible this time. I got up at three in the afternoon yesterday, and my intention is to stay awake until as late as possible today. Sigh. Getting through these nocturnal periods is always an endurance test; however, I’m actually not that fussed about it this time as, to be honest, there’s nothing to get up for anymore. By the sounds of it, we’re approaching another lockdown so, hey, who cares whether it’s day or night anymore?! What’s out there to experience? Nothing.
My drinking increased a couple of weeks ago due to severe
neck and back pains. The cause of these pains remained a mystery for almost a
month, which were constant and left me nearly in tears morning, noon and night.
Just to distract myself from the pain, it became standard practice just to get
drunk until I passed out which, since I have nowhere to go and nothing to do,
was quite easy. I have, I believe, discovered the root of the problem, which is
my crappy council-issued bed. So far, the simple act of lying on it without
pillows has allowed the pains to recede. I am very, very pleased by this turn
of events. I could not live in such agony for much longer. A side-effect of my
pain-induced emotional exhaustion (and subsequent liquid overconsumption) meant
that I missed a week of my antidepressants, which caused some very ugly
side-effects indeed. Thankfully, I managed to wander around to the chemist on
Monday (or Tuesday, I’m still not sure), and get myself back on the medication
wagon. Hurrah! I am feeling nearly human again, both mentally and physically.
Relatively speaking, of course.
At the height of my withdrawal side-effects and boozing early
last week, I did send some emotional texts about my family and friends to my
ex. I can’t remember what I said, but it’s led me to want to keep my phones switched
off ever since. My dad has tried to call me, but I’ve not answered. I assured
them (just before my communications blackout) that I was recovering, so I hope I
will be left alone. My ex, who also suffers from depression and knows the nasty
side-effects of antidepressant withdrawal, will hopefully understand what I’m
going through and respect my desire for privacy.
Well, as I’ve been feeling better this week, I’ve begun
streaming video gameplay footage live on YouTube (with my verbal commentary/ramblings).
I’ve been considering doings so for a while now, but never had the full
confidence to do so. I think the effort I was putting into editing and posting
short highlight clips, and the lack of views I was getting in return, forced me
to want to try something else. I have no idea why I am striving for views, as
such a thing usually leads to unwanted negative attention. I’ll probably just
make all my videos private again soon, just to avoid trolls. I’ve mainly just had
spam comments posted under my videos up until now, which is just tiring, to be
honest. I’ve even had a couple of spam posts here, which is odd. That’s never
happened before. I guess it's more disheartening than annoying.
My old gaming buddy is going through some standard life
changes at the moment, so I’m guessing I won’t be hearing from or gaming with
him for some time. It’s been sporadic this year, anyway. I’ve generally taken
myself off the social, erm, radar altogether, apart from my streaming. Whatever
one is to do in order to maintain close friendships in this life I am, well, at
a loss to know. I truly believe I will be fossilised within these damned four
walls. Alas!
So, what’s next? I have no idea. What scraps of dreams and
ambition I may have had before are, like everything else right now, on permanent
hold. I rise. I wash. I sit. I consume. I sleep. The echoes of invisible neighbours
whisper through the dusty curtains. The curtains remain drawn. The whispers
remain faint.
Do stay in touch, darlings.
Toodles!
