Grasping at harmful straws

The agony continues, which I have now had enough of. A disinterested nurse was unable to help, even though I kept saying I was in constant pain. So, what now? Well, the mysterious illness, possibly tonsillitis, I suffered at the start of the year brought me so low that I ended up deciding to stop feeding and watering myself. This had the unexpected effect of killing the illness. Unless it was a coincidence, of course, but I doubt that.

Anyway, I’ve chosen to try this method again. I guess it’ll either be the beginning or the end of me, but I can’t take the pain any longer.

It’d be something if all this pain was worth it, but I have nothing in my life left to fight for. I’m very lonely and very disabled. My mental illness badgers me all day every day. Things keep breaking around my home, as if they too have given up. I have bags of recycling piling up, but not the means to get rid of them. Where I live is like a madhouse, with lunatics screaming nonsense at invisible persecutors and people fighting in the street.

And here I sit, tears streaming down my face, no longer able to bear much more of it.

The tonsillitis subsided after a few days of fasting, so let’s hope the same works with whatever this is. I no longer have any fresh food in the kitchen, so I won’t have that to get anxious about. I’ve put in a grocery order, but I’ll probably push the delivery date back a few days. I just need a spit cup in each room now, as I obviously won’t be able to drink water in order to clear my throat. I learned that from the last time. Who knows, maybe the dizziness from an empty tummy will help me get a good night’s sleep.

For a change.

Being diabetic, I suppose doing this could always put me in a coma, but that’s the sort of merciful thing that only happens to other people. My body likes to torture me in the worst of ways. Not that I hold the paranoid believe that it has its own sentience or anything.

Well, I’ll try and keep you updated, if the pain cools off enough for me to type words.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles

Satisfaction and disappointment

It’s been a boozy few days since my last post, but that’s what “self-medicating” is sadly all about. I went and saw a nurse at my local surgery, but she was of no help. She couldn’t see anything wrong with me, so assumed I was mad. I begged her for more help, as I was and still am in agony, but she made light of it all. She acknowledged the presence of a mysterious mole on my back, which I told her was new and bled if I scratched it, but she dismissed that as well. She muttered what she was typing into my computer records, but what she muttered didn’t sound like anything I was telling her. She sent me away and I continued drinking, as there was nothing else for me to do.

By the way, for a medical institution with all its GP appointments apparently all taken, the waiting room was fucking empty for the half-hour I was sat there.

Where are all the patients?!

So, yes, I’ve not been in the best of moods since then. I’m fed up of being drunk, so I’m going for a sober day today. We shall see how long that lasts. The only thing keeping be cheery is YouTube, both old episodes of MST3K and foreign family films. I like foreign films, because I can hear people talking without having to understand what they’re saying. It’s like being a baby again, or floating underwater. I swear I was a member of the marine community in a former life.

A whale, knowing my luck.

My friend “Lesbo Lisa” has gone quiet on me again, although she does have an actual life to be getting on with. “The Whistler” in the flat below me has gone quiet too, so know psychotic rantings out his windows in a week. I can hear him pottering about, but the scary tantrums have stopped. Who knows, maybe he’s been put on stronger antipsychotic medication. “Loud Phone Lady” on one side of me has been shouting at her silent pet a lot, so goodness knows why she has the damn thing. I do not know what species it is. The new neighbour on the other side of me, I haven’t given him a nickname yet, comes and goes, but he is generally very quiet. I think I’ll keep him! “Barking Dog Man” had someone banging on his door for ages yesterday, but either he’s keeping a low profile or simply wasn’t in. He’s an unpleasant womaniser, so I suspect it was one of his new “projects” about to be discarded. I’m sure they’ll all form a skanky army soon enough to gang up on him.

The temperature is up and down, but never hot enough to be unpleasant. The sun is very bright this evening, however, so I’m looking forward to the peaceful night. I find it too painful to wear tops indoors, so goodness knows how I’ll get around that in the height of winter. Maybe I’ll wear a wooden hat, therefore keeping all my body heat in.

My libido has returned, so developing fantasies is keeping me busy. My ejaculation ritual at the moment involves sitting cross-legged on my bed and squirting onto a retired hand-towel. Sometimes I lie on my back and do it onto my tummy. Sometimes into a spent kitchen paper tube. Sometimes a plastic tumbler. I stopped using an old sock years ago, as the fabric of the sock would be uncomfortable after I’d reached orgasm.

What do you use to catch your sticky sex fluids?

Hopefully I’ll get some hobby stuff done today, as being drunk all the time isn’t conducive to thoughtful activity. I’m currently getting up at around 4 pm, so the pain of the light doesn’t last too-too long.

I still haven’t sorted out a new television, so I’ll see if that local appliance shop’s website is working properly later. My old LG set really does struggle with modern HD, so it’s hit and miss what I’m able to watch. The just-broken set, that’s currently sat on the floor, is starting to get in the way.

Well, I shall leave things there and wish you all the best.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Business as usual and unusual business

Well, I’ve calmed down a bit since my last post, but I’m still baffled why I didn’t get more than 24-hours notice for a weekend meet-up. I guess I dodged a bullet in not going, as manoeuvring around town is a nightmare at the weekend. All the worst people are out and about who don’t mind stealing taxis off disabled people. A woman once chased the one I was in down a busy street, even though it was the afternoon when plenty of taxis are about. Idiot. I hardly leave my home anymore, but I certainly avoid weekends, as a rule.

Bless the cooler weather, but curse the sunshine! There’s a nice breeze and temperatures conducive to doing, well, anything, but the sun is brighter than it’s ever been. Has there been a change in its makeup or something? I don’t remember it ever being this bright before. I shouldn’t have to walk around wearing a peaked-cap indoors.

I’ve been drinking heavily due to my mysterious illness. “Lesbo Lisa” has recommended calling 111, as I just can’t get an appointment with my GP. The receptionist seems to find pleasure in telling me that, even with an appointment, I still won’t be able to see a doctor until next month. Sigh. I wouldn’t want the NHS replaced, but it certainly can do better. Booze-wise, I’ve been sticking to beer, since either the white wine or cider kept making me constipated. Now the, erm, “spice” flows naturally, which is a relief.

I like pooping, so don’t enjoy it being an ordeal.

I’ve had some discs delivered for a potential movie marathon, this one about A-list flops from the 80s and 90s. Thought that’d be fun. I’ve also had the original Shaft trilogy delivered, which could also become a marathon. I can’t believe they’ve tried rebooting it again recently, even with the same title as the last one. Cue everyone being confused when trying to buy one of the three films now out there simply called: “Shaft”.

I’ve been watching a lot of Russian family films on YouTube, which are cheering me up. I don’t speak a word of Russian, but I get the idea of what’s going on. Some of the videos are standalone movies, but some are miniseries that the uploader has “top and tailed”, so you don’t have to sit through the opening titles and closing credits continuously. I heartily approve of this! Most of them are on this channel and this channel, so do give them some love.

Someone knocked on my door earlier, but I just ignored it. It’s usually someone selling an energy supply or religion at that time of day. I certainly wasn’t expecting any deliveries or guests. They did persist though, not just leaving after the first knock. Hmm. If it was that important then surely they’d have left a note or tried to call me. But they didn’t. So there. I could really do without mysterious visitors pestering me when I’m lying in bed in pain and hungover.

There’s not much in the kitchen to eat, so I’ll try and put in a shopping order later. Booze included. It’s a pain-in-the-arse having to use my can crusher over and over again, but at least it’s better than a literal pain-in-the-arse in terms of bowel movements. Ha! Word play.

I’ve still not ordered that new television, as I’m waiting for the shop’s website to sort itself out. I hope it isn’t to do with my laptop, which has been acting weird lately. I even tried ordering a takeaway Saturday night, but both restaurant sites I tried seemed to think it was Tuesday and wouldn’t offer me service. Maybe I tried ordering too late in the evening, but you’d think they’d be keen for business on a Saturday. Very strange indeed!

Well, I shall leave it there and go do some can crushing.

This is my life right now.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

A signpost for the end

So apparently my friend “Lesbo Lisa” is in town tomorrow for a music concert. She knew about it in advance enough to book tickets for the gig and a hotel. Then she asks me if I want to meet up less than 24 hours in advance.

I believe fatal diseases are more prompt.

Just don’t bother talking to me at all. I’m a cancer on society. I’m a cancer on you and everyone you love. I’m bad news. I only destroy with my passive amiability.

Fuck everyone.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Click & Forget

Well, due to a troubled night’s sleep, I woke up too late in order to make an appointment with the doctor. Typical! I did try to order that new TV though, but their website isn’t properly listing those extra delivery features, which I really need. I’ll check back tomorrow and even give them a call about it, if necessary.

My console overheated earlier, even though it’s not been that hot today. Clouds have suddenly appeared, with a nice breeze, so I’m enjoying that right now. There’s nothing worse than being unwell and there being a weather system you don’t enjoy. I need cold, dammit!

I had a burger for dinner, but inside a focaccia rather than a standard burger bun. Fancy bread does make a nice change, I must say!

Being in so much pain is making masturbation difficult. It’s not a particularly sexy state of mind to be in. I did workshop a pleasant fantasy though, involving two boys going for a walk together in the woods, then taking a break to sunbathe naked in a secluded glade. They then tenderly experiment with each other’s bodies. I felt a tickle in my tummy, but wasn’t able to achieve an erection.

I’ll store the fantasy in my “wank bank” for another time.

Other bathroom activities have become easier today, which must be to do with my not boozing for days and having fibre-heavy food delivered yesterday. I was getting rather concerned, I must say!

I’m not feeling too creative at the moment, due to the aforementioned pain I’ve been experiencing. I may even post an intermission warning over at The Whittling Post. Not that anyone but AI bots reads it anyway. Who can tell where the internet is going these days. Somehow, it feels more unstable than it did 30-years-ago. I’m not even sure how that’s possible.

Technology usually improves, right?

The second of the two pain relief gels I bought seems to actually work, so Ill be sure to buy another tube of that brand, even if all this current bollocks clears up overnight. I doubt it will though.

It’s still very quiet, socially speaking. My mind keeps attacking me with bad memories of past human interactions. Quite why it believes something that happened to me decades ago is relevant, I do not know. It just enjoys torturing me, I guess.

Well, I best go watch something to help calm me down. Or try for another wank.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles! 

As the tide goes out

The pain continues to come and go, but comfort is very rare indeed. I think I’ll attempt to make an appointment with the doctor tomorrow, as I feel interest in my health finally returning. I lost it in the first quarter of the year during that mysterious illness, which I’m now pretty sure was tonsillitis. It just brought me so low that I stopped caring about everything.

My shopping order came, so I had some nutritious food to eat. I’ve been having difficulty with certain bathroom activities again, to quite an extreme, so have decided to get some proper fruit and vegetables down me. I do not believe white wine and cold meats count as one of my five a day.

I deleted a new post from my cultural review blog, as the tone was rather “off”. I’m not a high-functioning drunk, so am unable to create anything useful during such sessions. Maybe I’ll have another go at the same subject another time. Who knows.

Off-road bikers have been making a lot of noise in the distance. I’m glad I don’t live closer, although they do sometimes ride around here. The authorities seem to have given up on tackling antisocial behaviour altogether, even though it affects all of us.

Oh the deepest of sighs.

I’ve just had a late bath, in the hopes it’ll calm my torso pains. It feels like it may have held back the tide for now.

Still no contact from anyone. No good words. No bad words. No nothing.

Just loneliness and pain.

And that dripping tap in the kitchen.

Shall endeavour to put that order for a new television tomorrow. The stand-in really isn’t up to the job. I’d like the new one not to be a “smart TV”, but I don’t think that’s an option nowadays. I’m a “dumb TV” kinda person, I guess.

Story of my fucking life.

What is one to do when the light at the end of the tunnel finally goes out? I have no comforting thoughts on the matter. Perhaps something positive will come in with the tide. Or mercy will take me and I shan’t wake up tomorrow.

We shall see…

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles

On the blink, off the wagon

I do use any old excuse, but those back sores, that’ve been getting me down recently, certainly got worse and worse during the week, so I’ve been pretty out of it on wine through it all. Standing up straight seems to be the only position that doesn’t hurt, which is difficult to do when you’re trying to sleep at 3 am. Today hasn’t been to bad though, so fingers crossed it’s a sign that whatever-it-is has begun to subside.

We shall see.

Oh and of course, during all of this, the TV in my lounge goes on the blink. The power LED comes on, but not the actual screen, which is the most important part. I have zero technical skills, even freaking out over a tin opener, so goodness knows what’s happened. I’ve never trusted it tbh, which isn’t a good sign. Every time I’ve switched it on sine it arrived I’ve half-expected it to die on me. I doubt I’ll be going with Panasonic again. I’m currently shopping for an LG model, as the older set in the bedroom, which is LG and now standing in for the prospective new one, still works. And the two standalone disc players. Saying that, the TV doesn’t quite support my PlayStation 5, so it’s hit-and-miss what I can use with it. I can manage GTA Online, but not Downwell, which is weird. You’d think the more minimalist game would thrive in such a situation, but no.

Perhaps there’s a display setting in there that works best, but I’ve yet to find it.

There’s a local electronics shop that I’ve started using, who will also remove my old model for me, so that’s something I won’t have to worry about. And I was. Navigating the three flights of stairs down to the ground floor is tricky at the best of times, so dragging a 48-inch TV down there was a grim prospect indeed. I wonder if they’ll take the packaging too. Hmm…

Still no word from my friend “Lesbo Lisa” or anyone else. Steady as she goes.

It’s cool enough to sleep under my sheets now, which is nice. I like to snuggle. Trying to find a position that works with my aching back is, of course, still tricky under there. I just wish there was somebody in my life to snuggle with. I managed two wanks before getting out of bed this morning, which was no doubt linked to my drinking. I get really horny hangovers, with my kinky fantasies providing an escape from the miserable DTs. Today’s fantasy involved me being a girl who picks up a few pretty boys from the gym in order to feverishly lick their sweaty parts.

That did the job!

The neighbours have been hit and miss regarding noise levels. “Obnoxious Camp Guy” is still screeching out his property at 2 am, which we can all do without. I think it was him who turned his home into a nightclub all day yesterday. He has plenty of gal-pals in the area, so you’d think at least one of them would advise him to keep things down a bit.

But no. 

I’ve put in a shopping order for delivery tomorrow, but I’m trying to keep it booze-free. I don’t think my heart can take another hangover. Just a few days rest and I’m sure I’ll be back on it. Or off it. Think I’ll just have a simple bowl of noddles for dinner tonight, as there isn’t much else in the kitchen. I’m sick of crappy takeaway junk, so I’m happy to wait until the shopping comes. I’m hoping there’ll be a cute delivery boy, which there was last time. He was quite camp too, although I didn’t try flirting with him. I’ve not got much to entice anyone these days.

I guess he could be into “daddy bears”, rather than fickle heartbreakers his won age.

I might try playing guitar at some point. Haven’t strummed at all during the heatwave. I’m sure even an acoustic guitar would have electrocuted me.

Well, I shall leave it there and bid you farewell.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!