Darkness in the brightest of times

Zero motivation. Zero caring. Zero anything.

Well, apart from party boxes of booze, which get me through the day.

Having morbid thoughts, which I can never go through with. I’m very squeamish, therefore self-harm attempts always fail. If only society would help those willing die peacefully, painlessly, and with a modicum of dignity.

What cruel people I am surrounded by.

There is so much noise outside, which only serves to increase my sense of loneliness. Everybody else seems to find it so easy, yet I fail every time. It’s not worth the tragic end that ultimately comes. I am to friendship what a bull is to a China shop.

I have a new neighbour, although I have not met him yet. The last guy moved out because of the barking dog below him that the council can no longer do anything about. I just hope this new tenant isn’t noisy, although it’ll be just my luck that he is.

He certainly doesn’t know how to close doors quietly.

The temperature has risen today, so that’s sapping my joy even further.

I only find pleasure nowadays in the privacy of my own head, in the form of my detailed erotic fantasies. Some of them are so detailed that I never actually get to the erotic part. The buildings and characters are so vivid that I often drift off to sleep before the centrepiece love making.

Oh well, at least they keep me busy.

Dinner today will be Chinese takeaway leftovers that’ve been in the freezer for a few weeks. I’ve actually had Chinese takeaways delivered since, forgetting about what I have stored. Don’t worry, I get by on my looks. I had egg and chips before I passed out last night, which was nice.

Currently watching old episodes of MST3K. The Joel years. They warm my heart.

Anyway, I best go read Final Exit and see what advice it can provide. I just want to be at peace.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

The desert of inactivity

Yet more heatwave misery to report. Fun, huh? It’s the opposite of the covid lockdown, which spoiled the fun of sociable people who enjoy going out a lot. Heatwaves stifle the fun of shy, awkward, lonely nerds with sedentary hobbies. I mean, the devices we use to while away the time with literally overheat and have to be shut down, spoiling our fun! There are high winds this morning, but they are treacherously misleading, as I just had to shut my console down after two races in GTA Online.

Oh the deepest of sighs!

The supermarket party boxes of white wine keep flowing, which helps drown out the sound of happy people outside having fun and enjoying what is making me so miserable. To give them some credit, the kids around here are actually pretty well behaved. It’s the adults who are troublesome and in need of a jolly good spanking. I’m tempted to buy one of those sonic antisocial behaviour deterrent things, only one tuned to the frequency of people in their 30s and 40s.

Why hot weather makes assholes even louder, I will never know.

I had a Chinese takeaway last night, as cooking is just not desirable in this weather. Yet another hobby ruined by the temperature! I enjoy cooking, especially boiling big pans of rice, but it’s no fun when you’re in danger of passing out in the middle of the kitchen mid-stir.

I’ve decided to hyphenate less and less, as I was going a bit overboard with it. I just started wanting all the-words-to-be-intimately-connected!

But, yes, I’ll cool off.

I’ve been down a lot of YouTube rabbitholes lately. They’re recommending a lot of cute videos that are putting a smile on my face. So few things do nowadays. Some videos are desperate and manipulative attempts to earn monetisation, but I dunno. Sometimes you just gotta take the honest with the exploitative. As I believe Werner Herzog once said: “The poet must never avert his eyes!”. Or something like that.

I guess I shouldn’t use quotation marks when I’m paraphrasing, but I can’t be arsed to go back two lines and delete them. See?! This is what the weather’s doing to me!

I might go brew another cafetière of coffee, lest I pass out from heat exhaustion. No wonder many hot countries have a coffee-based economy.

Urgh, I can hear “Obnoxious Camp Guy” shouting already. I’m sure he’s just having a casual conversation inside his home, but, for some annoying reason, I can hear and understand every word of it. I think he also sits outside his maisonette and plays with the local kids, which could be a concern. I’m not sure. Flamboyant, effeminate males can be potentially dangerous too, folks. Don’t let your guard down too much. There was a guy who lived over the way who used to use his dog as a prop to talk to the local kids, but I think somebody had a word with him, as I no longer hear him on his networking walks. As much as I disliked him, I don’t think he was really up to anything salacious, I just think he was an arrogant  idiot who didn’t know not to do stuff like that.

At least not in this day and age. And in the UK.

I got a strange text from my energy company yesterday. Apparently they are concerned (?!) that I haven’t topped-up my meter lately, so they are going to turn my power off and on for… a reason. Is it to punish me?! That doesn’t sound legal. I also got a text from the national power grid around the same time warning me of power outages. Fuck knows. I don’t know why energy companies feel the nedd to be so intrusive and threatening, but I’m guessing it has to do with profits, profits, and more profits.

We are no longer the customer. We are the product.

I have no grand plans for today, other than I wish to sober up. This may not last very long. If the neighbours start being noisy again, then I’ll probably spend most of my time with that white noise playlist booming in my ears as I attempt to masturbate myself to sleep.

We shall see.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Panting

I don’t have a great deal to report this morning, as the weather has laid me out again. I’m drinking more and more coffee, just to ensure I don’t pass-out from heat exhaustion. Oh and I’m drinking more and more wine too, which generally just helps me forget where I am and what’s going on.

And one cannot get enough of that.

I made that vegetable curry yesterday, which was very nice indeed! I’m using microwave rice packets at the moment, so as to cut down on steam building up in the kitchen. There’s a large second portion of curry now stored in the freezer. I still have a load of nutritious veggies to use up, so I’ll try making a stir-fry w/ noodles later. I’ve got a whole bloody broccoli to get through, after all! I do fancy a sweaty burger from an unhygienic takeaway though, but I’ll leave that until I’m done with my fridge’s current contents.

I’m not even bothering to boot-up GTA Online today, as I’m sure it’ll overheat my console within minutes. Much simpler games are fine. Just whatever helps me listen to music for potential articles over at The Whittling Post. I’m still listening to a lot of foreign power-pop, as it puts a smile on my face and takes me away from this awful place I live.

I’m experiencing a spike in views from The People’s Republic of Other. Not sure where in the world Other is, but I’m sure it’s nice. Say hello, whomever you are! I post online for the old-fashioned reason of trying to make friends, even though the internet stopped being good for that some time ago.

Think I’ll now go put on my second pot of coffee and go for my bath. Shall try and squeeze a wank in there too. I’m more into women today, so shall workshop some fantasies around as I lie on my bed listening to a white noise track.

Gotta have goals, you know?

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

A build-up of pressure

The temperature here continues its unpredictable ways. Well, I’m sure the Met Office is predicting it, but I’ve not been checking the weather forecast. Effort, you know? While it started off relatively cool yesterday, it ended up becoming stiflingly warm by bedtime, to the point where I felt like I was suffocating again. And not in a good way.

I rearranged my smart meter installation appointment, which would have been today, as I just couldn’t cope with tidying up my home in such temperatures. All I could do was sit there sipping wine and watching riff shows on YouTube. There’s the very real possibility that I may do the same today, although I’m not feeling too hungover, thus not in need of a “hair of the dog”.

Thankfully, “Lesbo Lisa” was working from home yesterday, so we were texting back-and-forth throughout the misery. The neighbours here weren’t being obnoxiously loud either, so that was an added bonus.

I’ve not watched anymore Bruce Lee movies, as I just seemed to lose the interest suddenly. Cyclothymia will do that to you. I’m in something of a hobby limbo at the moment, but I’m sure my ever-shifting mind will settle on something.

Eventually.

My nutritious vegetable supermarket order arrived, so I’m working my way through all of that. I nearly couldn’t stuff it all in the fridge! I’m cutting out dried snacks too, all of this being for the benefit of my poor bottom, which has been suffering due to my terrible dietary habits of late.

I might make a curry today, as veggies are quite volatile in terms of their use-by dates. It’ll either be a vegetable one or I might crack open a tin of Danish ham that I’ve started storing as a back-up. It’s certainly good with noodles, although I’m not sure how well it’ll pair with Indian-style cuisine.

My libido is as uncertain as the weather, with me managing two wanks yesterday morning, but nothing forthcoming today. I had some nice fantasies during the night, but nothing provocative enough to help me reach orgasm. I’ve still not done any more work on that new erotic short story, as my motivation to write prose has dropped of late. Perhaps it’ll return once things cool off a little.

I’m being attacked by negative thoughts this morning, with my depression reminding me of things that happened 25-years-ago which I can no longer change and which no longer affect me. Quite why my mind is torturing me in such a way, I do not know. I guess that’s just clinical depression for you.

I’ve done my usual casual morning gaming with a pot coffee. I only did two solo GTA Online races, lest my console overheat once again.

There’s been some movement on both my active blogs in terms of reader views. Nothing crazy, like last week when I randomly received about 20,000 views from all over the world. Not sure what that was all about, but it did surprise me. These new journal posts aren’t picking up much steam, but I’m sure that’s for the best. When a particular, and seemingly-random, post gets a sudden spike in views, I assume it’s because something on television has provoked people to search the web on the subject.

But who really knows what’s really going on in these confusing times of AI totalitarianism.

Well, I best go figure out what to do with the rest of the day. I might put in a same-day order for more booze, just in case the weather becomes insufferable again. After an attempt at a mind-cleansing wank, of course.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Hot dreams, cold reality

Well, I fell off the wagon in the end, due to sleep deprivation and the noisy neighbours upsetting me. I feel so under siege when they make noise in stereo. I felt like I was in the midst of a zombie apocalypse, only the zombies were idiots who talk for hours without saying anything at all. The minute I took a sip of booze, they all seemed to melt away into the background.

No, you’re the one with the problem!

Coincidentally, I was actually watching the RiffTrax version of the original Night of the Living Dead as this was all going on. My neighbour directly below me, “The Whistler”, ended up losing his temper and began screaming at people to shut up. I wish I had his confidence. I genuinely believe he may very well be a schizophrenic, due to his penchant for screaming at invisible persecutors. On this occasion, he actually had a legitimate focus for his troubled mind.

This estate will do that to you.

I find erotic fantasies help me get through hangovers, which I’ve started turning into actual creative writing. I “workshopped” a few ideas around over the last couple of days, although I doubt they’re substantial enough to share with the world. They were, however, substantial enough to, erm, share all over my tummy. Oh and I did try logging into my adult website of choice, but they’re now blocking UK users due to the new age verification scans. Apparently the scans compromise website security and violate privacy policies. Well done, UK government, you have officially created an international incident with your idiocy.

Take the high-powered video cameras with access to the internet off your children. They are not responsible enough to have them. Shy, awkward, lonely nerds like me shouldn’t have to suffer due to your incompetent parenting.

On a rather uglier personal note, I’ve put in a nutritious food order for a change, as I keep finding myself constipated. The lubricant I keep for hot loving really shouldn’t be used to help take a crap each morning. Sigh. This is where my life is at, folks. Pretty pathetic, huh? Yeah.

So, yes, that order should be turning up tomorrow morning. Lots of boring vegetables and no dried snack in sight. I’ve got that smart meter installation on Tuesday, but I’m still tempted to cancel it. I just can’t be arsed right now.

My friend “Lesbo Lisa” has finally texted me back after a few day’s silence. I always worry I’ve finally made one dark joke too many and she’s scarpered for the hills. But she seems to be sticking with me and my crazy. She’s a good sport. Everyone else has fled, especially after my ex passed away and I wasn’t coping with it very well at all. I’ve been thinking about how better she made my life, even after we split up ten years ago and remained best of friends. Now I don’t know anyone in town and feel so alone and frightened all the time.

One of my motivations for heavy drinking these days is that, during one of my sessions, I may pass-out and just not wake up again.

Good times.

Anyway, the blazing sunlight in the kitchen seems to have died down, so I shall risk making myself some toast. The temperature has dropped considerably this morning, although I suspect it may explode again later.

We shall see…

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Living life in shifts

I come to you after a frustrating night of broken sleep. My body basically only wanted to drift off for one hour at a time. I believe I managed five shifts of this bollocks in the end. It didn’t help that the heat is rather intense again. Honestly, the temperature has been bobbing up-and-down like my head at a gay orgy.

Now there’s an image for you!

I was supposed to get to sleep around midday, thanks to my upturned sleep pattern, but didn’t get my first one hour until around 7 pm. The neighbours were being rather vocal too, especially a flamboyant gentleman I shall diplomatically refer to as: “Obnoxious Camp Guy”. He lives in a maisonette around the corner, and I can usually hear him talking casually from my living room, which does not face in his direction at all. Maybe if your neighbours, who live tens of yards away, can still hear you commenting on what you’re watching on TV, maybe shut the fuck up, huh?

Oh and my video game console has started overheating again, so that should say something about the weather too. Goodness, how I long for the dignified quiet of autumn! This time of year brings me down very low indeed.

I’ve managed to put in a shopping order for today, so that should be turning-up in a few hours. It’s not a good idea to order frozen stuff at the moment, as apparently the supermarket delivery trucks just ain’t cooling that shit down. One of the drivers said her freezer compartment was basically just a fridge at this point.

I have ordered booze, but I’ll hold fire on another drinking session for a few days. I just need a damn break from that miserable routine! I’ve still got some left in the kitchen, so at least I’ll be stocked-up nicely for my next binge. Actually, last night’s irritating (I can’t figure out how better to describe it) sleep nearly pushed me off the wagon.

It doesn’t take much.

The disinterested pen pal who motivated me to start writing here again has messaged me, but I’m not racing to read and reply to whatever he has to say for himself. I suspect he has begun using predictive text in his emails, due to the overt formulaic nature of his responses, which really does depress me. I mean, honestly what is the point if you’re doing that?!

I just had a very miserable run on the game Downwell. It seemed all the hostiles were working together and I wasn’t getting the power-ups I wanted. I try to add “Knife and Fork” to my arsenal as soon as possible, but it just keeps not being offered to me. I also keep getting runs where I don’t get offered a store to buy stuff from, which proves you’re not guaranteed it in every level. Unless you have that power-up, of course.

Hmm, I don’t think “power-up” is the right term, but hey-ho.

I’ve just had some toast therapy and am about to crack on with Fist of Fury. You know, once my damn PS5 has cooled down enough.

I hope this post finds you less frustrated… well… everything.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Bedtime for an insomniac

I’m struggling a bit with sobriety this morning AKA this evening. As mentioned previously, I’ve upturned my sleep pattern, so I’m due to go to bed around 11 am today. If I’m to stay awake to order a takeaway later, then I’ll probably need to drink, which just demonstrates how balanced my diet/sanity is.

Good grief.

I’ve just washed my system of perspiration towels, which are exactly what they sound like. They’ve been working hard during the UK’s recent mega-heatwave. I just couldn’t take the stench anymore. I’m glad I’ve finally gotten round to doing it and am feeling more positive for doing a little housework.

It’s almost as if activity stops you from feeling worthless or something.

I’m not feeling as tired as I should for having been awake for 12 hours, so I’ll stick to my hobby corner watching old episodes of MST3K and doing the odd bit of gaming. Things have cooled off enough now that I can play more than one race in GTA Online without my console overheating. Which is always a plus. I’ve also started watching Fist of Fury, so I need to be getting along with that asap.

I’ve been considering having my face scanned by my adult website of choice for this grotesque new privacy-invading age verification law in the UK. To someone like me, who has a phobia of being looked at, it will surely be like a stranger walking up to me in the street and running their smelly hand down my face, then whispering: “I’ll remember you!”. Yikes. I know I will feel violated, and I blame my government for that.

Still, I do miss the videos I used to wank over before the law was put in place.

I mean, really miss.

Thankfully, I have a good imagination, so it hasn’t been all that insufferable. I’ve also turned my frustration into art with my series of erotic short stories, which do tend to get loads of views over at The Whittling Post.

The bin men have done their rounds, so I suppose I should probably go throw something out soon. There’s a disturbed woman, henceforth referred to as: “Crazy Bin Lady”, on the ground floor who seems to have nominated herself “wheelie bin monitor”, even though it’s communal housing for which there are council wardens who go around doing that job. I tend to leave it a day or two for her to go about her pathetic business before I add to her perceived problems.

I’m very creeped out by her returning stuff I’ve thrown out because she doesn’t approve of it. Just the fact that she knows I’m the one who’s put it down there is bad enough!

3 of the most important rules of life:

Don’t eat yellow snow.

Don’t answer the phone if it rings around dinnertime.

Don’t go through your neighbour’s garbage.

Honestly, how fucking hard is that?!

Right, I best go give the towels on the radiators a turn. Yes, I treat them like yummy toast!

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!