Decreasing motivation in the face of apathy

Well the last week and a half at college has been a mixed bag of wasted time and false starts. Our tutors keep cancelling lessons in favour of menial tasks involving college promotion whilst my attempts to start my own music project have been hampered by my own lack of confidence as a performer. I think it’s safe to say that, without the other non-music lessons to keep me going, coming back to college this term would have been pretty pointless.

My girlfriend has been coming off her antidepressants recently and seems to be struggling at home and in work. I’ve sent an email to my college tutor explaining that I need to be at home and that I will not be returning to college today… I just don’t think being away from home at the moment is worth it. Also I need to investigate into work experience for college so maybe I’ll do that if I get a chance this week.

There was an incident on Thursday night which has gotten me a little concerned and unsettled. After a late night in the student bar I returned to my room and ordered a takeaway food delivery. About half an hour later the dorm warden rang me very angrily explaining that my food had arrived and that I wasn’t to expect her to tell me about it. After I picked up my order I texted the warden and asked to discuss what just happened as I didn’t think her attitude was particularly fair. This proved an error as the following conversation descended into an argument and ended up with me hanging up. The situation wasn’t helped by me being rather drunk and downhearted, however the warden seemed to antagonise me further and be acting very unreasonably. I’m not sure whether to complain about the incident or not as my judgement and viewpoint is very hampered by my poor memory of what happened. Oh well, we shall see if anything is mentioned when I return next week.

I’m glad to be home for a little while longer and I’m really looking forward to finishing college for good. The warnings I’d received from previous students on the music course have turned out to be correct: it’s a waste of time and I’ll walk away feeling bitter and used. At the very least it’s given me guidance for what I might want to do in the future… unfortunately the path I choose will have to involve a lot of self-tuition.

I wanted this six months away from home to be worth it and it’s slowly turning out not to be. Cheers guys. Much appreciate :(

The best and worst of both worlds

I think this is now my fourth week at college studying Music Technology. I’m still trying to figure out what to do with the skills I’m picking up when I leave but at the same time hoping that I’ll pick up enough in the relatively short time that I’m meant to be here. I’m enjoying the music production side, but find it very hard setting up musical equipment as my night blindness causes certain health and safety issues... basically I’m worried about tripping over mic leads and denting my face on the side of a grand piano. My tutors are really nice guys (although one needs to tone down the “bad cop” act a bit... I respond better to the lighter touch) and the atmosphere in the music department is very laid back. Actually it’s so laid back that I’ve struggled a bit to acclimatise to the uneven pace (sometimes rushed and frantic, sometimes slow and chilled).

I seem to be clicking socially with people outside my course more, which I sort of expected. There are the usual soap opera dramas going on including tears and arguments, but I’m trying to stay out of that and generally keep myself to myself. A few of us are trying to make a habit of going for drinks outside of the college as we’re not massive fans of the student bar (too many kids acting tough and too much loud music... do I sound like a grumpy old git? Lol).

For the first few weeks I seemed to forget what it was like being at home and so this week it came as a shock when I did finally go home and was reminded of what I was missing. It felt like I’d been away for months. I didn’t realise how much I missed my girlfriend until I saw her on Thursday and we had a long hug and spent the weekend just mooching around the house together eating takeaways... perfect.

I’ll make sure I go home every couple of weeks to remind myself of why I’m actually at college in the first place as I really was starting to forget.

We shall see.

I’ve neglected my own music writing while I’ve been here and away from my guitars. Being amongst professional musicians has made me feel like a bit of a fraud and a food and I’m finally appreciating proper musical craftsmanship rather than my own amateur noodlings.

Anyway, I hope to post a little more regularly now that I’m gradually settling in.

Right, onwards and upwards...

A student at 30

I’m writing to you from sunny Hereford in the college library. I’ve escaped to here from the canteen as it gets a bit like a kindergarten in there at times. Very stressful.

I’m enjoying the music course but finding it a little hard to understand so far. I’ve been a big fish in a small pond up until now.

The college accommodation is nice, although I’m sharing a lodge/cabin thingy with two brothers who were already here when I arrived... so I feel like I’m intruding a little.

I’ve made some new friends which is great. We go out drinking a lot to the student bar and have some bleary mornings, lol. I mustn’t drink too much or I’ll stop learning, but I’m tempted tonight because I feel a little stressed.

Things haven’t changed much since I was last here eleven years ago, apart from a new lick of paint here and there.

I’m only here for four months so I’m guessing time will pass quite quickly. I might go home this weekend but if the train strikes are still on then I won’t bother. I can’t be arsed with rail replacement buses.

I’ve heard that there might be riots in Sheffield this weekend due to a local political conference or something, so that’ll give me another reason not to head home.

Not sure how often I’ll update this while I’m here, although I do need to get my creative writing skills up to speed as my mind keeps going blank when I hit the keyboard, eek!!