But while there's music and moonlight

I’ve still had no word back from the council about that back-payment dispute issue thingy. Shame really, as there are a few things I’d like to spunk some cash on. I’m freezing any unnecessary large expenditures until I get a letter telling me what’s happening. Who knows, maybe I’ll have to give it all back. Assholes.

Golly, what a harsh start to this post! Well, this has all stressed me out quite a lot, plus I’ve been struggling to get replies from friends of late. I get the feeling society, as a whole, has decided just to start ignoring me. I have been trying. Genuinely. So it’s not like I’m sat waiting for messages to arrive out of the blue. People are apparently just too busy to type in a few words and hit “send”. I dunno. Is it something to do with the time of year?

I went to the pub on Tuesday, and even got quite upset down there. Everybody seemed to be chatting with one another, whilst excluding me. At least, that’s what it felt like. The person serving, who I’ve spoken to a few times and seem on good terms with, seemed a little off with me when I first arrived; then, when another regular turned up, they opened-up fully and relaxed. This is a problem I’ve had all my life. People just seem unsettled and put-off by me. I think it’s a “you need to get to know me”, sort of thing, as my ex used to say I’m one of the most chilled-out people in the world, even going so far as to say she thought one of her friends would benefit from going out with a person like me. I would have been happy to share my love around, FYI.

Eww, that was pretty gross. See? This weird headspace I’m in at he moment is turning me into a disgusting fratboy.

Anyway, my trip to the pub ended with me drinking more than usual, to the point where I barely remember anything from the rest of the evening. I don’t even remember coming home in my usual taxi. I definitely fell down hard at some point, as most of my body is still in pain. Even my face. I managed to fall on my face, for goodness sakes! Maybe it’ll all come back to me some day. I was getting this upset about socialising a few years ago before I left social media, so maybe I need to make some changes in my life. I think I’m going to steer clear of my text message inbox and any pubs where people know me, for a while. I think I just need to be alone with myself, my thoughts and my own time. Other people clearly have none for me anymore.

I feel like I’m creaking towards the end of something.

I had another custom-made guitar arrive the other day. I ordered it back in December, when that back-payment first arrived “on my desk”. It’s a lovely instrument, although the maple fretboard I ordered is so dark that it may as well be rosewood, which is counter to the visual concept I was going for. Sigh. Oh well, live and learn, I guess. Maybe it’ll lighten up the more I play it. Still, it sounds and feels fabulous. I might try to start recording music today. I did try starting a few weeks ago, but it was a massive disaster, ending in me accidentally deleting everything I’d recorded. It was only an evening’s worth of work, but… still. I want to do some instrumentals inspired by themes of ancient civilisations. I’ve been listening to a lot of reference audiobooks lately on the subject, so it’s foremost in my consciousness at the moment. I know they didn’t have electric guitars back in ancient Egypt, but I’m sure they would have liked to.

I’m wondering whether to start video game streaming again. Since nobody else will talk to me, I’ve found I’ve been having sparling conversations all by my lonesome, so I may as well record some of it for prosperity. Tragic, isn’t it? Anyway, I’ve started playing single player games more and more, which generally seem to get more views.

The weather’s been really horrid this week. Apparently there’s a near-hurricane level storm knocking about. Things seem a lot calmer this morning though. My weather app tells me snow is due today, but it seems too wet for anything to settle, should it start. I think I’m nicely topped-up with energy meter credit, but I’ll still check. I don’t want to have to trudge though snowdrifts just so I can put the kettle on.

I’ve still not ordered a new washing machines as, well, I just keep forgetting. I’ll try putting my near-dead one on today and see how it behaves. I really can’t keep putting it off for any longer.

So, there you have it. My recent goings on, all summed up in a nice, tidy rant. I’m in pain, physically and emotionally but, for some bizarre reason, I keep on persevering. I feel like I’ll run out of energy even for that soon. It’s all just… so… meh.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

There may be trouble ahead

So many feelings. Mostly the concern that nobody likes me. But definitely not romance. Basically, I hope y’all are having a more successful Valentine’s Day than I am. I was going to joke text once of my three friends with a heart emoji, but they’ve all been very lax at replying to my messages of late, so I’ve decided none of them are worthy. Can you believe I’m single?!

Oh, I’ve just heard my phone vibrate. Maybe it’s somebody announcing their undying love for me. Or it’s just some b.s. admin that I could do without. We shall see. I’ll check once I’ve finished this.

Speaking of romance, one government department got in touch about that massive back payment I received from a different government department. It’s so nice that they communicate with one another. Anyway, they want evidence that it was a mistake on someone else’s part, so that I can continue receiving certain other regular payments. Since I struggled to check my post over the holiday season (due to a combination of depression, drunkenness and assuming nobody would send out something so important over that period) I wasn’t aware of their request until they started getting angry. Well, I’ve had said regular payments suspended until I get back in touch, which I have now done. I had to go to the local blind society for their assistance, as their was a lot of stuff I just couldn’t do and/or didn’t know from my home. They have very good support workers who are savvy about such things, and the bloke I saw was very helpful. He ended up drafting me a letter of appeal which, because I also had to hand in originals of the evidence surrounding this bollocks, I handed in in person. This meant that I had an excuse to visit the pub in town, of course. That was on Thursday, and it’s now Monday. I’m not sure how long the appeal process is going to take, so the next few weeks are going to be rather tense. Worst case scenario is that I could go to jail for embezzlement. Best is that I have to spend a lot of money, “Brewster’s Millions style”, in a very short period of time. Not a problem.

So, yeah, I’ve been rather stressed. I’m amazed I got all that sorted last week, as I’ve stupidly hit the bottle quite a bit. I guess I wanted to make the most of my taxi fares into town by visiting various drinking establishments. I guess it was either that or just sit around my flat soberly feeling anxious. Ain’t got time for that shit, mofo.

And so we come to here. I’ve finally shaken off my recent hangovers, so I’m now experiencing cold, hard, merciless reality. I’m sure I’ll be back in the pub by tomorrow.

I’m still going through an odd musical phase. I’ve been playing and listening to a lot of acoustic music. Keyboards too, actually. I’ve created playlists for Jean-Michel Jarre and Tangerine Dream, in particular. I’ve not settled on any acoustic artists, just an instrumental playlist I found on Spotify. It’ll do for now. I’m not sure how long this phase will last, so I don’t know whether I should invest in another cha-ching acoustic guitar. My regular pub now has an acoustic jam session once a month, which I might attend next time it’s on. I won’t take my guitar for the first time, I’ll just check it out. Maybe I’ll go “armed” the second time, should I enjoy the vibe of it. Who knows.

The days seem to be getting longer, which bodes well for me and my nyctalopia. I’ve been out to the pub a little later than midday, and been home before total darkness. I’m sure I’ll be complaining about the hot weather in no time.

Oh golly, I still need to sort out a new washing machine, as mine hasn’t been working since the new year. Fortunately, I never go anywhere or do anything, so my need to wash stuff is fleeting. I can’t get away with it forever though, as I do have towels and sheets that need washing and, let’s face it, summer is a very stinky time. I’ve found an independent electronics store in town, and it sounds like they do installations and removals, rather than just basic deliveries. I won’t be able to get it up the stairs myself, and I have no fucking idea how you install a washing machine. I’ll put the order in today, if I remember.

Well, there you have it. Those have been my anxiety-inducing adventures since the New Year. I’ve done a few other things, but they’re not coming to me right now. They can’t have been all that exciting. I’ll try and update you again later on in the week. Maybe. If you send me a Valentine’s Day message. Or just pop over for some rampant, sticky, no-strings loving. Or stringed. Both are good.

Right, I best go see who’s texted me.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!