Well, I’ve tried to find something else to say other than how sad I am of late but, alas, I’ve drawn a blank. Literally. So, here I am, after two months of silence, prepared to indulge in a little self-pitying. I apologise in advance. Feel free to leave at this point.
Anyway, I’ve been very up and down since my ex and best friend passed away. When I’m sober, I have panic attacks and moments of abyssal sadness and despair. When I’m drunk, well, when I’m drunk I cope a bit better, which is worrying. Usually I like being sober, which is why I binge drink. I like to get the drunkenness out of the way in one go and as quickly as possible, so that then I can go back to my sober hobbies. But now… now… I kinda hate being sober. So, not only have I been too sad to type anything, but I’ve also been to drunk.
Although, saying that, I have managed to get some music recording done. It does actually help battle the depression to keep myself busy but, sometimes, the motivation to get started is hard to come by. I’m doing simple, short instrumental tracks, with titles inspired by all the history audiobooks/lectures I’ve been listening to. Here’s the first one I completed last week:
I’m trying to take things a bit slower this time, as my attempts last year were very scrappy and demoralising. If it takes a month to do one tack well, then that’s still better than racing to get one done in a week and being put off recording for another year. I’ve been inspired to get going by a couple of lo-fi alternative dream pop bands, Galaxie 500 and So Sue Me, who I’m just full-on addicted to right now. I recommend Galaxie’s “Don’t Let Our Youth Go to Waste” and So Sue Me’s “No Real Place”. I just get giddy when the latter starts plying.
As predicted, the criminally insane sister of my ex didn’t want any funeral or to see anyone regarding her sister’s death, mainly because she’s psychotically paranoid, so friends and other family members are apparently having a memorial this Friday. In a church, no less. My ex was two steps shy of falling into Christianity herself, I think, so I don’t think she’d disapprove too much, but I know she wanted a hippie-dippy woodland burial/scattering type of thing. I’ve told people this, but they haven’t listened. Plus, some of my ex’s friends are religious, and they seem to have appointed themselves in charge of things, as self-righteous arseholes usually do. Needless to say, I won't be attending. I was going to do my own thing and go to one of me and my ex’s favourite holiday destinations and lay a wreath somewhere, but the complexities of travelling just overwhelmed me, so those plans are on indefinite hiatus. What with my eyesight deteriorating all the time, plus my anxiety/depression, plus the fact that, even without the pandemic, I have become a bit of a shut-in, going further than down the road to my regular pub has become something of an ordeal. My ex used to help me with all that but, well, not anymore.
So that’s about it, really. Well, it’s not, but that’s all I have the energy to say right now. Maybe I’ll do part two later in the week. But, basically, what little botheration I ever had has officially been kicked in the balls, and I’m emotionally and mentally curled up on the floor just waiting for the pain to go away. If it ever will.
Good times.
Do stay in touch, darlings, and don’t let your youth go to waste.
Toodles!
