A life running hot and cold

Well, the weather has officially turned “nice”. I prefer dry, cold weather, but I’m aware that I’m in the minority there. Sunny skies mean the neighbours flock outside to annoy me. In fact, as I type, a scally is blaring aggressive hiphop from his balcony. Sigh. Volume doesn’t make music better, it just makes it louder. Oh well, it’s vaguely amusing, especially when he tries shouting along, so I shan’t get too upset about it.

I’ve decided to shut my social media accounts down again. I’ve been working relatively hard on my YouTube channel but, after over a thousand uploads, I’m still regularly getting no views, even with live streams. I take the hint. After a while, you just start to feel like you’re embarrassing yourself. I’ve posted a melodramatic tweet about it, saying it’ll all be gone by the end of today, so I’ll see if anyone wants to stay in touch. I doubt it though.

Social media is, for an adult, a very cold vacuum of loneliness. People like to showcase themselves, but have very little interest in actually making contact with others. It’s more for keen youths who actually want to experience life and society but, well, I obviously can’t be a part of that. Being a grown up can be a very solitary experience.

I’ll still post here, of course. One must have an outlet, after all. I’m glad I’ve started writing again. My periods of silence seem only to be fleeting. I’m keeping up with my fiction writing project, which has gotten me feeling very positive. I was so excited by last night’s effort that I just couldn’t sleep. Even though I woke up about 11am yesterday morning, I didn’t get to sleep, properly, until first light today. It was frustrating but, well, I knew there wasn’t anything I could do about it. I just lay there in wait for unconsciousness. I got up at 10am today so, fingers crossed, I’ll get a more sensible switch-off tonight.

I do wonder if I’m not well, actually. There really was no reason, other than excitement, for last night’s insomnia and, when I did sleep, it was only for a couple of hours at a time. Then, this morning, I had rather intense diarrhea, which came out of nowhere. Well, technically it came out of my bum, but you know what I mean. I can’t think what I’ve eaten to make me unwell in such a way. I don’t feel ill, my body is just acting like it is. Perhaps it’s the change in temperature, which wouldn’t surprise me. Heat is good at messing me up.

I had a grocery order delivered yesterday, so I’m nicely stocked up on fresh food. I bought a strawberry trifle, which maybe the first one I’ve had since I lived at home twenty years ago. It was fine. I believe the four portion container will be finished off by the end of today. I’m a growing boy.

My cultural tastes seem a bit skewed at the moment, as well as my bodily functions. I couldn’t settle on any music or audiobook in bed last night, and I’m even feeling a bit distracted today. Although, to be honest, that might be to do with the noisy asshole in the next building. I’ve been listening to a lot of Muse and Manic Street Preachers, but I’m struggling with anything else. Audiobook-wise, I’m sticking to history non-fiction, which is giving me ideas for my story writing. I’m going through both the history of China and Mary Beard’s book about Pompeii again. I’ve not gotten any further with that lecture series on King Arthur, but I’m sure I’ll make a return to it soon.

My gaming buddy is still fairly absent, although I think he texted me yesterday to mention the nice weather. Nothing about wanting to game with me though. Clearly, on his list social priorities, I’m pretty far down. It’s fine. I’m not bitter.

What?

Anyway, hopefully the pubs will be back open soon, so I can go back to my pre-covid life of hanging out with racist pensioners during the day. Good times.

Right, I think that’s today’s rant over and done with. I’m thinking of opening a private Twitter account for this blog, to replace my gaming one. It’ll be where I post more personal thoughts and link to these posts. I won’t be socialising, unless someone wants to. I’ll make a decision about whether to open one after the close of today.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

A long time ago, in a one-bedroom council flat far, far away...

I’m writing this as I sip my 4 pm breakfast coffee. Yes, my sleep pattern is disturbed. Again. It does just seem to come out of nowhere. I went to bed, genuinely tired, at about 8 pm last night, but found myself still pottering about at first light. I usually assume it’s the booze that messes my sleep up but, apparently, it’s not, as I’m still not drinking at the moment. I kept getting those strange adrenaline seizures last night. About for of them. Which force me out of bed to do something stimulating. No, not THAT. Just anything. One day I’ll get my doctor to actually give me a diagnosis but, for now, I’ll stick to my theory that it’s something to do with my nyctalopia.

They’ve dropped a major updated for the dreadful Windows 10 recently, so I’m still finding things they’ve changed. If they just returned everything, apart from their great accessibility features, back to how they were 25 years ago, then that’d be great. Trying to compete with Apple, and making cosmetic changes just for the sake of it, clearly isn’t working for them. My next laptop will definitely be a Mac, which I’ve nearly got the money for. I’ve had enough of Microsoft.

Well, the one positive thing about insomnia is that I get a lot of audiobook listening done. I’ve started the Great Courses lecture series on King Arthur, by the fabulous Dorsey Armstrong. She VERY seems keen to raise awareness for a historical subject that, even an Englishman like myself, doesn’t know all that much about, which is great. I found her enthusiasm a bit grating at the start (the word “awesome” is uttered, perhaps, once too often), but she seems to be calming down now. I really respect the amount of work that’s been put into researching the Arthurian legend, as a lot of the information is buried in Welsh poetry, which can’t be too fun to trawl through. The one thing that’s upsetting me about this, and other history books I’ve been audioreading lately, is that, well, it makes you feel rotten about being English. I don’t know who my pre-500CE ancestors were but, if they were Anglo Saxon invaders, then the past 15 hundred years have just been a nonstop shit-show of awfulness, on our part. But, hey, that was the past, so I’m trying to just enjoy hearing about a bygone age. But, yeah, this country belongs to the Cymru people. Oh and I’ve managed to memorise “1, 6, 23”. Erm, I think. If you listen to Dorsey’s lectures, you’ll know what that’s a reference to.

One of the upsides to me listening to all these history books, is that they’re giving me inspiration for my own prose writing. I’m still working on my new creative writing project, which is astonishing, even to me. Not its quality, but just the fact that I’m still going. I’m sure my motivation will dry up soon, but I hope it doesn’t. I’ve still not decided where or when to set it but, so far, it’s in a sort of post-Bronze Age/pre-Industrial Age Italy. So, yeah, pretty well defined there. It’s been fun trying to find non-stereotypical Italian names, to use for my characters. I basically find an Italian film on IMDb and go through the crew list until I find something that sounds interesting. I’ll let you know how I get on.

My gaming buddy is still mostly absent right now, although he did text me yesterday to ask whether I was free over the weekend. I said I wasn’t sure, as I don’t really like being slotted into other peoples’ lives like that. There was a time when ewe chatted every day but, well, now he’s out of my routine. Like I’ve said before, he doesn’t do it on purpose, but somebody with as little going on in their life as myself is prone to noticing gaps in communication more. I’m not needy I just, I dunno, enjoy consistency.

I’m guessing my sleep pattern will get worse over the weekend, but I’ll try to correct it as I go. I was going to order a takeaway today, but even my appetite has been a bit off lately. If I sit down to eat something, then I’m fine. It’s just the idea of food that’s not exciting me.

I have felt a little more sexual lately, which is nice. I think my transgender feminine side has returned. I don’t think I’ve felt like this in over a year. Maybe two. It was nice engaging in some nasty anal masturbation on Tuesday or Wednesday. It felt SO great. I just wish I could get an actual real-life human cock in there. It’s been a while. I was so exhausted afterwards, as I very rarely exert any energy these days. But, hey, it was worth it.

I’ve not watched any more Walking Dead since the boxset arrived the other week. I’ve just not been in the mod. I’ve been more into my foreign films. In fact, I got annoyed going through the Roberto Rossellini boxsets I have as, much to my dismay, there were a lot of English speaking roles in the ITALIAN films. Perhaps my not wanting to listen to my own language is linked to the horror I’ve been experiencing listening to history audiobooks. Nothing would surprise me.

Music wise… hmmm… I seem to have settled on Radiohead now. I’ve made a bunch of playlists for their albums and many b-sides, shuffling songs around or removing them altogether, should I not like them. I also made a Manic Street Preachers playlist last night for their first three albums. I’ve not gone through an MSP phase in just the longest time. Hopefully, this desire will stick around a while. We shall see.

Well, I best pop off and go for my shower, then sort out a takeaway (if I’m in the mood for one). Don’t be surprised if you find me posting at strange times over the next week or so. In various states of mental deterioration.

Good times.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Adrift in sobriety

So the sun’s out, at last. I can still feel a little chill in the air, but I think the stop-start transition to spring is over. It’s all, like, sprung all over my ass.

Charming, huh?

Anyway, I’m really getting into the swing of not drinking, which has shocked me. It’s just not part of my routine anymore. I have the odd day where I feel like a binge but, generally, I’m sticking to my sober hobbies. I seem to have gone back to having a few coffee’s before I go for my shower, which I think has been caused by the lockdown. I mean, what is there to get showered for? I’m sure I’ll go back to a shower straight out of bed once the pubs are open again. Sigh. That day can’t come soon enough.

Yes, I’ll be drinking again once I don’t have to do it alone in my own home. That was getting really old. Although, maybe the later days might help. Getting drunk in the dark, for me, usually ends in disaster, which is why I only do day drinking in public.

Golly, I really do have problems, don’t I?! Oh well…

I haven’t gotten much further (farther?) with that writing project I’d started. I think not quite knowing where or when it’s supposed to be set is holding me back. Maybe I should just crack on with it and not worry about that. Nobody’ll end up reading it anyway.

Cue tiny violin.

I’m mostly gaming and tweeting a lot during the day, the latter to, mostly, nobody, as I’m sticking to my policy of not trying to make friends on there this time. I’ll let people come to me and start conversations. I find it doesn’t work the other way around anymore.

My daytime home video viewing is Family Guy at the moment. Being able to see the TV properly is helping, as a lot of Family Guy jokes are visual gags. Being halfway across the room from my bedroom TV and visually impaired means I usually miss a lot of funny stuff. I haven’t got a bedtime viewing right now, as I’m just not really in that kinda mood when I head off. I’m mostly just listening to audiobooks. I’m going through that Mary Beard book on Pompeii for the third time, as it seems to be my new comfort read. I have no idea why. I also started The English Patient the other day, which has only taken 25 years for them to release an unabridged version of. I’ve always feared it might be “supermarket trash”, which they just happened to make a great film out of but, so far, it’s solid.

Music-wise, I think I'm currently going through a transition period. I was listening to a playlist I'd made of Menudo's (the boyband Ricky Martin started off in) early albums, before their voices broke. They can't sing and the audio quality is pretty bad, but the songwriting is superb and it's just super cute and upbeat stuff.

I was going through a major East Asia phase, as I was listening to an audiobook on the history of China. I'm curious to find out if there's a country we British HAVEN'T screwed up. Sigh. Anyway, I'm moving away from that now and, like with music, am waiting to settle on a new "obsession".

My gaming buddy still seems to have a gf, so we’ve only chatted once in the past fortnight. It’s fine – “hos before bros”, I say.

See what I did there?

I’m just sat waiting for a grocery delivery. I wasn’t desperate for stuff, but I was about to run out of milk and a certain branded, sugar-free, caffeinated cola drink. As a treat, I also ordered two packs of sushi – one tuna & salmon, the other vegetable. This flat is gonna be rocking in an hour or so! Let’s just hope they were in stock.

I’m meant to be shielding for only another week or so, but the council did call me this morning to ask if I was coping. I said “yes” to all her questions. That’s about as exciting as that conversation was. Nobody ever wants to talk. Is that a sign of me getting old? Probably.

The other week, I had a day where my forearms were really itchy. It freaked me out, as it was completely out of the blue. Apparently, it’s a thing that people get sometimes, but nobody knows what causes it or how to permanently cure it. Sigh. I’ve bought some skin coolant gel, which is supposed to help. It cost £10, which was a lot but, hey, if it happens again, then I’m prepared! If it reoccurs often, then I’ll try to get it on prescription.

Well, I think that’s all for now. I’ll try to keep you more updated.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Prick

Well, it’s not even 10am and I’m already making a curry. Crazy days. At least it’s more than I could manage yesterday, as I was in bed for most of the day with side-effects from my vaccination. The negative feelings didn’t properly hit me until, possibly, about first light; then my arm (the entry point) started to hurt, then I felt achy all over and rather drowsy. I could barely move until 3pm, which is when I finally managed to drag myself out of bed. I pretty much sat motionless gaming until 11pm. I’m mostly fine now though, however there is still a little tenderness in my arm. When I go back for my second jab, I’ll definitely have them do it in my left arm. It really was hard doing things.

Not that, you naughty person!

Anyway, I’d already cancelled one appointment, as I’ve been so nervous (and drunk) that I just couldn’t cope with such a strange situation. Which it was. There was a signing-in tent outside the building, where you were asked a few questions before going into the actual medical practice. It must have been a major vaccination hub in the city, as there were loads of people queuing up. I was relieved to find all the staff to be super-helpful, especially with me being visually impaired. I’m actually tempted to email the practice (which isn’t my usual one) to thank them for their help. I dunno. I’ll have a think.

I just poured the contents of a teabag into the curry, just to experiment. Apparently that’s something you can do. I’ve tried fresh coffee before, but not tea. Oh and I emptied a can of premium American IPA in there too. Pretty sure this is going to be the most expensive curry ever. I genuinely think it’d be cheaper to order a takeaway. Hey-ho.

I’ve just put an Amazon order in [that started like the last sentence, sorry] for a few DVDs. I thought I’d reward myself for getting my vaccination done. I bought the first five seasons boxset of The Walking Dead, as my gaming buddy has been raving about it recently. I thought it’d be nice for us to have something more to talk about. I’ve managed to get him into Arrested Development, which warms my heart. I decided on only the 1-5 set as, well, the history of long-running TV shows doesn’t bode well for anything after that. I’ve still not seen a single episode to date.

It’s definitely gone cold again. Someone asked me, while I was waiting to get my jab, why I wasn’t wearing more. I put it down to my Canadian heritage. I’m just a daddy-bear by biology. The air’s nice and fresh, which is perfect for if you haven’t slept great. I’m not sure where my sleep pattern is right now. I feel like I can make it to this evening though, so hopefully things will be back on track after that.

I’ve started planning the writing project I mentioned in my last post. I don’t know where or when to set it but, like most of my creative writing, I’m not a fan of the modern age. I either prefer historical or futuristic settings. Not in terms of reading, but writing. I feel like one is too constrained by current affairs to truly write freely about the third decade of the twenty-first century.

It’s a significant birthday of a “real life” friend soon. She’s the one who rang me up that time to tell me my ex had attempted suicide. Anyway, I’ve got her new address and the date but, by golly, I have no idea what to buy her. This has sort of shed a light on how little I really know her. I know she’s into stuff, but I think that, when we usually meet up as a threesome, my ex just asks her about work, and that’s it. Work, work, work. I usually tune out when that stuff is raised. I haven’t worked in twelve years, so I can very rarely contribute to the conversation. I just try to sit there looking pretty.

Speaking of which, hopefully we’ll be able to do a combined belated birthday bash, once the pubs are open properly in May. I can’t wait. After last week’s disastrous solo binge session, I know I’ll definitely not drink again until I can do it in public where I can embarrass myself properly. That’s why I’m pouring expensive cans of beer into a curry this morning.

I’m watching The Mysterious Cities of Gold in bed at the moment, and I’ve got Ulysses 31 to one side ready for once Cities of Gold is finished. I added Thundercats to my Amazon order, which I’ve genuinely not seen since my age was in single digits. I’ve heard it doesn’t stand the test of time, but what does. MASK seemed fine when I started watching that again a couple of years ago. Why I didn’t finish it, I have no idea. Oh well, it just means I’ll have plenty to be getting on with.

Well, I best go stir the curry and continue the good fight.

I hope you are all keeping well.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

 

 

Love on a bin liner

 What a queer old life. Anyway, I’m sat here as the first busses of the day are going passed. Yes, my sleep pattern is disturbed again. I only have myself to blame, as my drinking binge last week served its “purpose” of reminding me why I hadn’t drank in over a month. What a bloomin’ farce! Nothing that bad happened, although a can of beer did spray pretty much all over my lounge. You may have gotten some on you too. I think I pierced it whilst opening the case with a pair of scissors and, after initially thinking it was just a standard ring-pull error, had to run to the kitchen with jets of booze squirting all over everything. Rather comical sure but, when you’re already dreadfully confused due to your drinking excess, you can have a bit of a freak out. Which I did. Well, I think that’ll be the last until the pubs, apparently, open for good at the end of May. We shall see.

I had a routine call from my new council housing officer today. He seemed like a nice chap, and we went through some standard questions about my tenancy. He did initially ring my ex, who is still my next of kin, as I wasn’t answering my phone last week. A bit dramatic, I’d say, but I guess things have been dramatic of late anyway. My ex texted me that he was going to call back, and mentioned that, for some reason, she had mentioned to him that I was thinking of moving and she had, on my behalf, inquired about getting priority on the housing register. First of all, I don’t want to move. I did. But I don’t now. These were conversations I had had in private with her long ago. This isn’t a nice place to live, but it’s my home now and, believe it or not, I’ve settled in slightly. Not totally, but enough to not be desperate to escape. I will somehow try to make it clear to her that discussing my tenancy with my landlord without my consent isn’t cool, but I’m not sure how exactly to go about it. I may send some flowers and, the day before the flowers arrive, send her a gently worded text explaining how I feel. Or I could just call her and have a go. I’m not good with confrontation.

My gaming buddy sounds like he’s getting serious with his new gf, as they’re planning on going to visit his father together. Alas! Oh well, I’ll come to my senses and give up on that romantic possibility. Not that there ever was one. That woman from the brewery dropped off my beer off on Wednesday but, after a short back and forth by text, she’s gone deathly quiet on me again. I’m guessing that this isn’t one of the signs of somebody liking you back. What’s wrong with me?! Anyway, I’ll move on regarding that too. One needs to be realistic as time goes on, after all.

I’m continuing with my hobbies, now that my week-long hangover is officially over. I watched another episode of The Larry Sanders Show today, which was great. Shandling and Torn really do have great chemistry on screen together. I still can’t quite figure Jeffrey Tambor’s character out though. Sometimes he seems very meek and sensitive, then he’ll be a slimy ladies-man. It’s an interesting mixture of traits, but I’m not sure that they quite gel. This is no fault of Tambor’s though, who is, as always, a complex delight.

I’ve just bought the audiobooks for The Two Towers and The Return of the King, as I wanted the Appendices at the end of the latter. They used to only sell the audiobooks by the book-within-a-book so, by the time you’d completed the trilogy, you’d have made six purchases. Bastards. Anyway, they’ve stopped that now, but I’d already bought one and a half books by then. Sigh. I’d left this as it was for a few years but, upon seeing that Unfinished Tales was finally being released on audio, I did the 3 Extra Credits thing on Audible and bought up what I didn’t have. I now have a digital copy of half of The Two Towers (on iTunes, I think), that’ll just have to be a lesson learned. I’m looking forward to going through the Appendices, which is something I never did when I read the books as a teen.

I’ve been listening to a lot of history reference books lately. The other day I started on A History of Japan. It’s a book from the 1970s, but I think it’ll work well as a primer to a country I know very little about. There are some Great Courses lectures on Japan too, which I feel might be more in-depth. It sounds like Japan took on a lot of its modernity from China, who I’m already listening to some lectures on. It’s not staying in my head much, but I do plan to listen to them again. I’ve already listened to two Mary Beard books on Ancient Rome twice. I think, had I been more realistic and had a more stable education as a kid, I would have gone into something to do with history or literature. Bit late now, I guess.

If you can recommend some good history audiobooks, then do drop me a line. I’ll see about getting the comments section of my blogs switched back on. I forget how you do it, and they change the format of the settings often enough to confuse us.

The weather’s definitely improving still, although I fear there was a slight dip back down this evening. I had to put the heating on, which I haven’t done since probably before my last post. Never mind, I still prefer it cold. It’s nice to hear the birds back in town for the dawn chorus. You kinda forget you miss it, after a while. Does that make sense?

Audioreading that book on Japan got me in the mood to write some fiction in a more, I don’t know, humid climate. I’ve got this vision of strikingly tall hills and deep valleys covered in a rainforest, where the clouds never part and everything is constantly wet.  I want to write about life in this outback place, where bureaucracy has to face off against, I don’t know, the realities of hard toil. I also want to pick up where I left off with my other writing project, but I fear I have left it to long and shall have to read it all from the start to remind myself of what has happened so far. Not that I wrote much. I wish I didn’t have such dips in motivation. I feel like I’d make a good ghost writer. I love writing, but I’m not necessarily great with ideas. They’re very abstract and aimless. I guess you have to have an English degree or something to be a professional writer.

I need to start recording music again, but first my lounge requires a tidy up. I’ve had quite a few courier deliveries of late and, well, my flattening of boxes hasn’t exactly been kept up to date. I’m scared to find out what music equipment that beer sprayed onto too. Hmmm, maybe it’s all dried out by now. Fingers crossed!

Right, I think I’ll call it a day there. I’m going to go back to listening to Howard Shore’s score for Lord of the Rings and playing video games.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!