Back from the Bed

Well, I’m still here. It seems that what was afflicting me was only temporary. I’m guessing it was the flu, as it had all the hallmarks of such. I’m feeling better now. Pretty much fully recovered (although I don’t wish to jinx it). I did order a takeaway in the end, but not a kebab (as the oh-so-witty title of my previous post suggested). I had a nice Chinese instead, which seemed to do wonders for my soul. I ordered a takeaway last night too, as my desire to cook seems to have gone for a bit. I’m sure it will be back soon though. I was planning a new curry recipe [see below], but that’ll have to wait until I’m feeling a bit more motivated.

I’m expecting a guitar delivery today, which I’m very excited about. It’s a fancy Gibson acoustic, which I’ve always wanted to own. It’s less of something I need (I already have a really nice Gretsch Rancher jumbo) so much as something I want. Know what I mean? I think this is the perfect moment to quote Parks & Recreation…

…TREAT YO’SELF!...

…so there. It’ll be, officially, my most expensive instrument, which is why I’m a little nervous this morning. Having an expensive hollow wooden box traverse our percussive courier system is probably a terrible idea, but it’s not like I’m gonna go travelling to Colchester where the store is. Let’s just hope it doesn’t arrive with a foot-shaped hole where a foot-shaped hole shouldn’t be on an acoustic guitar. I was setting things up to start recording again last week, but then this bug hit me and laid me out. Hopefully, once the Gibson arrives, I’ll be inspired to put music to, erm, digital save slot.

I’ve found myself shifting musical tastes this week, as does happen regularly. I think it’s all part of the “wonderful” cyclothymia extravaganza. So I’ve been browsing Spotify for anything that’ll inspire me, which led me to Janis Joplin. I’ve never been that big of a fan of Janis’ before but, for whatever reason, now seems to be the right time. I’ve put all of her albums (solo and with Big Brother & the Holding Company) onto one playlist and listen to it pretty much every day. I also rewatched her performance at the Monterey Pop festival, which is great, and I’m now watching the recent documentary film they made about her. Literally, I keep pressing pause to come type some more of this.

What fire she had!

Nowadays, aspiring singers would get trained at art school to be that energetic on stage but, with Janis, it was just natural. I think I also like her because I relate to her substance use issues. I’ve never done drugs, but I am an alcoholic, so I know that pain and temptation and self-loathing. I find the most interesting part of her life to be the interim period where she went back home. That happened to me twelve years ago – life just got away from me and so, practically homeless, I spent three awful months staying with mother, then six chilled-out months staying with dad. Then, around July, I headed back up to Sheffield to start again. And here I still am, twelve years later, waiting for a guitar delivery. Where does the time go? Sure, I’m not in a band as I’d love to be, but at least I’m not where I was. Which was living in Huntingdon and working in London. Just typing the latter city’s name makes me shiver. Terrible place. Never go.

Gosh, I’m getting all emotional. I best reel it in.

I’ve not got much planned for today, which is what happens when you have deliveries that are due at… well… some point. I haven’t been to the pub since New Year’s Eve, but I do finally feel like seeing people. I didn’t go out last Friday, as I mentioned in my last post. It probably wouldn’t have been a good idea anyway, given my illness. Maybe I’ll go out this Friday, or somewhere different in town during the week. Wherever’s open at midday. Or I could just stay in today and get wasted on the booze I have leftover from last week. I’ve bought a bottle of Portuguese wine to add to that curry recipe I was planning, but I’m concerned it might disappear if I binge today. Stranger things have happened at see. I plan to make a combination of a vindaloo and it’s original Portuguese inspiration - the carne de vinha d’ahlos (a seasonal sharing dish, apparently). I’m still thinking the recipe through, so maybe it's best I wait a little longer. The Portuguese seem to like beans in their dishes, so maybe I should add some, but it doesn’t quite scan right in my brain. I’ll have a think.

I keep checking my emails to see if there’s a delivery update. I’ve so excited! But still a little nervous.

Well, light is starting to appear in the morning sky (no sun, as it’s very overcast), so I best go open some curtains. I wonder if it’ll snow soon. If so, I best get some dried food in from the supermarket, as my cupboards are a little bare at the moment. Oh and I’ve got the rest of that Janis Joplin documentary to watch.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

In Bed with Mah Donner Kebab

Well, something’s definitely up, as I feel just terrible. It’s sometimes hard to tell when you’re a binge-drinking alcoholic when you are genuinely ill (and not just suffering from yet another hangover), but I’m pretty sure this is the real deal. I’ve been in bed 24-hours and haven’t eaten. Or bathed. I finally have just had a dunk though, so I’m feeling a lot fresher. This definitely feels like the flu, or I guess it could also be… the other thing. I’m very drowsy and have been coughing a lot, so you never know. Due to me now having diabetes, it’s apparently more likely for me to catch these things and not react well to them. At the risk of sounding like the drama queen I am, if I don’t post again in a week or so, you’ll know something’s happened.

But, anyway, besides all that nonsense, I finally managed to pick up my medication on Wednesday, so I’ve been adjusting back to those. Maybe that’s what’s making me ill. I did miss a week-and-a-half’s worth, after all. The horrid “battery acid” dizziness that comes with accidentally going off antidepressants went almost immediately. That’s one good thing about Sertraline – they’re fast acting after you’ve missed a few.

Some drama seems to be brewing between me and my ex. I’ve not felt particularly inclined to stay in touch with her recently, for various reasons, and she now seems to be picking up on this. She tried calling me yesterday (we haven’t spoken over the phone in well over a year), but I didn’t answer. I’m just not emotionally, or physically, strong enough for this teenage drama b.s. at the moment. She’s never proven to be a particularly loyal friend, although not in a vindictive kind of way. She’s just frustratingly in her own little world and can barely find interest in the people around her. She’d deny this, of course, and start crying, therefore making it all about her, but it's true. Urgh. I just… can’t… be arsed.

My guitar guru and I are still chatting, although I keep expecting him to tell me to put a sock in it for a while. Unfortunately, there are limitless things to talk about if you’re into playing guitar, which is bad news for him. Oh well, I’ll try going quiet for a bit. I’m not after anything, I just get bored and lonely.

Speaking of guitar, I’ve started playing whilst stood up with the guitar strapped around me. I guess I just fancied trying something different, and I seem to be getting into this. There’s really no need for me to play this way, as it’s not like I’m in a band or anything but, well, sometimes just little tweaks to one’s life here and there can improve things and open the floodgates to inspiration!

I have been meaning to get a takeaway over these past few days but, because of my weird sleep pattern and feeling ill, I’ve not gotten around to it. They’ll not be opening for another eleven hours, so I should probably find something in the cupboard to snack on. Trying to decide which genre of food I fancy. Perhaps some Chinese.

Anyway, I’m going to leave it there, as this has been a bit of a struggle. I just felt like I needed to talk to someone, as it kinda sucks being ill when you’re all alone. I’ll be sure to post an update before next Sunday.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Primer

It’s hard to know quite where in space and time that I am right now. This is due to my having missed well over a week’s worth of medication. Accidental withdrawal of antidepressants isn’t the most fun thing in the world, I must say. Although, oddly enough, it is different, and sometimes different, even when unpleasant, can bring its own twisted reward. My sleep pattern is non-existent at this point. I have a few hours here and there, but I’m not sure whether I’m over or under-slept right now. I woke up yesterday around 5 pm and proceeded to cry as I organised a cup of coffee. I was Inconsolable for about an hour, then seemed to calm down. Nothing was wrong, in particular. it was just the withdrawals. I’m supposed to get a text message from the chemist when my tablets are ready for collection, but I’ve received nothing yet. Either they’ve lost my number once again, or there has just been a backlog between them and the surgery due to the Christmas/New Year shutdown.  I was going to order a lot of booze to arrive tomorrow… erm… later on today, to help me drive through this nightmarish headspace, but I soon realised what a terrible idea that was. So, basically, plenty of comfort food is on its way, including two boxes of fruit and fibre cereal. Do I know how to party, or what?!

I just had to check when I last made a post here, so I knew what to update you with.

New Year's Eve was as fun as it usually is. For me, at least. Being all grown up now, and an atheist, I have no interest whatsoever in Christmas. But New Year's Eve. Oh, New Year's Eve! That feeling of rebirth and starting again. Well, it just rubs me the right way. It’s as if we’re all like “Hey, we fucked up last year, so let’s just try again!”. I like that way of thinking. You should never keep going down a certain path just for the sake of it. The word “tradition”, like family, is one of the most dangerous words in the English language, or any language, for that matter. Cast off the past and start afresh! It’s really all we have. Do you think we learn something by remembering the Holocaust? Do you know how many genocides there’s been SINCE the Holocaust?! Lots. We never learn, so all we can do is grieve, move on and try better next time.

Woah, how did we get to genocide?! Right, let’s chill things out a little…

So, yes, I got plenty plastered on New Year's Eve. Whilst the cacophony of fireworks were intoxicating my sonic pallet, I definitely remember going out into the stairwell and shouting something to the rest of the tenants. I don’t know what I shouted, but I was sure having a blast. That’s how exited New Year's Eve makes me. I want to shout to people. Crazy, huh?! I’m expecting my antisocial behaviour letter from the council any day now.

The plan for the evening had been to watch three films in the original Star Trek movie series, the three I call the “David trilogy”, including II, III and VI. Hopefully, if you’re a fan, you’ll understand why. If not, then let me know and I’ll explain next time. I don’t remember much about watching II, and VI had hardly started before I must have passed out. I think I passed out multiple times during the evening. I even ordered a Chinese takeaway, like, half an hour before midnight. Smooth. It’s ok, I gave the driver a £10 tip, so hopefully that made up for it.

Oh! That’s it! I went to the pub for the afternoon! I was trying to think how my celebrations started. Yes, I turned up for their midday opening time, and left way before it got dark. I must have then passed out once getting home, then started on the Star Trek films. I wasn’t really expecting to stay up until midnight but, through a series of drunken blackouts, I managed it. I made various videos throughout the day and posted them on YouTube, but I’ve now only left the first one public. I got pretty incoherent.

See, I felt crap a few minutes ago when I started typing this, but now I’m all excited! Sigh. Mood swings sure are… well… something.

My guitar guru/old work colleague and I are now in regular daily contact. I even bought a second guitar off him, which arrived a few days ago. It’s a make of guitar I’ve never owned before, so I thought I’d go cheap to begin with, just to see if I liked them, and he was selling one from their budget line so, as they say, two birds. Everybody wins. Well, it’s a lovely sounding instrument, although strangely light and small-scale. I’ll consider upgrading to a premium model, but I already have another custom build guitar in the works, so I’ll wait until… you know… I snap in a few weeks. I’m not sure where things are going with my guitar guru, friendship-wise. He’s straight and married with a kid, so I’m not expecting romance but, well, I guess I just like to know where I stand with people, and what the future may bring. I’m a bit anal like.

I’ve had no contact with my old gaming buddy since New Year's Eve. I don’t think I said anything rude. Anyway, even if I did, he prides himself on not being offended or upset by anything that people say or do to him, so I’m guessing he’s just wandered off again. I’ve really lost interest, to be honest. It’s the same with my ex – if that’s their idea of friendship, then I don’t want their friendship.

I finished that Great Courses lecture series on Ancient Egypt this week. I got genuinely emotional by the end. As mentioned in my last post, Bob Brier is such an amazing teacher, and his enthusiasm is genuinely infectious. You just have to get past his harsh Bronx brogue. But it’s worth it. I’ve gone back to “page one”, as I do, so hopefully I’ll pick up on anything I missed in my first listen. History nonfiction has become my new bedtime read, replacing the Discworld books and, before those, Tolkien’s Middle-earth series and, before those, general radio podcasts. I need something to keep me company in bed. It’s just one of my things.

Having enjoyed Dr Brier’s guide through Ancient Egypt, I decided to buy up as many fictional movies as I could on the theme. They range from classic Hollywood romances to b.s. modern “family” animation. There’s precious few available, to be honest, so if anyone wants to hire me to write a screenplay about a niche period in Egyptian history, then Bob’s gotten me well primed! I think I’d like to see one about the Akhenaten heresy, but do it from the perspective of the common Egyptian. Epic scenes of kings spouting lofty exposition aren’t all that fun for me. So, yes, I think those films should be arriving later on today. I shall endeavour to report back.

Oh, I’ve started having baths. I haven’t had regular baths in ten years, having become more of a “shower guy” but, after seeing how disgusting my shower curtain had become, I decided to just throw it out immediately and take baths until a replacement arrived. Well, the replacement has arrived, but I’ve not taken it out of its packaging yet. I’m actually enjoying having baths. They’re great for this time of year, as you can just stew in hot water for ages, rather than fighting to keep warm under a lukewarm, low-pressure shower. I may have entered a new phase in my life altogether, due to this. “The Age of Jim Taking Baths”. Exciting, huh?! I feel like a kid again. A fat, awkward, hairy, smelly, depressed kid. Good times.

Over the past twenty-four hours, my antidepressant withdrawals have really messed with my interest in my hobbies. I did some guitar practice today, but I was really phoning it in. This is why I almost turned to booze, as I’ll probably be bored until I can pick up my prescription. Not knowing quite what part of the day I’m in is also very disorientating, as my routine, for what it was, has been completely thrown into a cocked hat. Frig does that saying even mean?! Anyway, I’m just doing what I can to pass the time between small bouts of sleep, which is very frustrating. While I like having order even less, I like having no order at all rather trying.

Righty-ho, I think I’ve come to a natural stop here. Fingers crossed that, by my next post, I’ll be back to “normal” again, and not having random crying fits and sleeping in two-hour shifts.

I hope you are all fairing better.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!