Well, I've decided to drop back down to my old dose of antidepressants, as I now suspect that this higher one is what's making me go or feel out of control. Think I'll avoid booze while this is going on too, so I've just swapped whiskey on tomorrow's shopping order for the ingredients to make a curry.
I'd rather miss my friend and be on the right dose, than not feel anything at all.
We shall see.
P.S. The curry is one I've not tried yet - chicken and sweet potato. I'll let you know how it goes.
So more epic week-long benders. More me not caring.
I’m generally a pretty nihilistic person, more in terms of a belief system than a feeling but, now, nihilism seems to have permeated my very pores.
I don’t feel particularly sad or anxious, I’m just back feeling like I’m standing in a desert without a map, a compass or a single drop of water on my person. That’s why I went back on antidepressants a few years ago, to get rid of that feeling. Somehow it’s punched through the wall of medication and latched onto my brain again.
I had my first telephone consultation with a mental health worker last week, which went well. I was very emotionally drained afterwards, but that was perfectly understandable. I’m opening up more about my drinking, even to the point of asking for help, but then I wonder “Oh what’s the point?!”. I mean, I’m 42 and still having the same problems I was having when I was 11. I’d have gotten drunk then, if only I knew about booze. Anyway, they’re going to call again this coming Tuesday, so I’ll have a chat with them about my deepening despair then. If that’s what I want to call it.
I’ve been back out to the pub, often much later than usual and already a little tipsy. I’m concerned the staff have noticed the change in my behaviour and may ban me for my own good. I don’t think they have noticed though, or would even think to ban me. I’m always in a good mood when I’m in there and seem to have a laugh and a joke with everyone. I’m even wondering whether one of the owners likes me. You know, LIKES-me likes me. She hung around a lot longer than usual the other day, and seemed keen to ask me about myself. Who knows. She’s married but, well, that doesn’t stop some people.
There’s a gay male customer who has taken an interest in me too, which I can’t quite wrap my head around. I think he’s just that type of sociable person, so I’m trying not to get too excited about it. He gave me a lift home in his van the other day, but nothing happened. I was pretty drunk and assumed he wouldn’t want to take advantage of me. He did work at the pub for a brief period, but then got fired. Apparently he got fired and was refused a reference because he couldn’t get a reference from his last job, which has made me suspicious. The staff still seem to like him though, so who knows.
I’m in such a strange place in my life. I guess friends leaving town, for one reason or another, has gotten me feeling the way I was feeling fifteen years ago, which I now believe was one of the causes for my meltdown at the time. I’m truly alone here now, so I feel like I’m grasping at straws to fill the loneliness. I feel out of control, as I’m certainly no expert in socialising. I don’t know who to trust, but I’m throwing myself at people anyway. I’m really concerned that something bad is on the horizon, but not in a melodramatic way.
I’m just spiralling into an abyss of uncertainty, and I am absolutely terrified.
So my drinking binges, or benders, have been getting more severe lately. I'm guessing the increased intake is due to my post-friend-dying nihilism. All this life nonesense does seem rather pointless now but, hey, at least I can party a bit before maybe just not waking up one day, like she did.
I've been avoiding going out since I realised I was going overboard. I was going to the pub maybe three times a week, getting completely paralytic, then just carrying on the next day. After a normal binge, I only have to deal with an immediate hangover. These, as I'm sure you're all aware, only last a day or so but, especially with my moving to whiskey, I've even started feeling addicted to alcohol. This only takes a couple of extra days to overcome but, well, it all adds up.
I'm sober now, amazingly, and feeling quite productive. I've been practicing my guitar and watching new movies, but I'm still feeling that need to go out and forget about everything. Or just feel nothing. Or at least a sense of emotional stability.
I think I have an appointment with a mental health worker coming up, so I'll talk to them about what's been going on.
Speaking of productivity, I've decided to start a creative writing blog. Just a serialised story I came up with last night. Well, it's been partially-gestating for a while, but it all came together whilst I was lying in bed waiting to go to sleep. I was so moved by the tale that I almost brought myself to tears. That's got to be a good sign, right?
Anyway, it's tentatively titled "Pontoon Railway", and you can find it here:
I'll be updating it randomly and at different lengths, so each post isn't technically a "chapter" per se. I guess I'll just stop each time on a cliffhanger, as one does with serialised stories.
Always keep them wanting more!
Not sure what I'm going to do for the rest of the day today. Maybe go out and get drunk. You know, for a change.
Do stay in touch, darlings.
Toodles!
