Fame at last

Last night I put in another order to have a custom guitar built for me and the company just rang me, as they do, to confirm some of the customisation options. After going through each of our lists, he asked if I wanted to come down to pick it up in person, as they like to meet people who regularly buy from them. I'm very flattered, as I'm sure they get some very cool people showing up, but I'd probably be a major disappointment to them. Plus I don't like to travel anymore, what with my eyesight and all.

Anyway, I just fancied saying something about it, as it feels pretty cool to have somebody show an interest in me. Smallest violin in the world playing just for me, right?

Oh, I've just had to call the police, as there's a crazy guy outside shouting nonsensically. He's probably on drugs or something, but I'm concerned about his safety, so I thought I'd do, well, something.

That's all for now. Just a quick one today!

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Gathering my thoughts and strength

So I've calmed down a little since yesterday. I have missed some brain medicine, hence the extra emotional instability. I ended up having a few beers and a takeaway after I posted, which chilled me out. I didn't overdo it, for a change. I have been binging a lot lately though.

I'm hoping to head out tomorrow to pick up my prescription, but I also have a parcel arriving, so we shall just have to see. I really don't want to miss anymore tablets, as I'm getting those horrid metallic dizzy spells I usually get when accidentally withdrawing.

I'm still experiencing grief due to my ex dying plus, if you factor in having to deal with eBay oddballs, then you get an extra-stressed Jim. The eBay purchase finally arrived today (although I've not opened it yet), so at least that mess is out of the way. I hope.

It's just been little things here and there that keep cropping up that has led to my extra stress. And, of course, my ill-advised attempt to get back into social media. I did warn people that my returning may only be temporary, so I hope I won't have to explain myself to everyone. Not that they'll notice I'm gone, of course.

I'm typing this on my new Apple MacBook, by the way. I finally got round to leaving Microsoft, which was a rational decision, and certainly not because I lost my temper with my old Windows machine.

Errr...

But, yes, I'm liking the efficiency of my Apple machine, although it is taking some getting used to. I did use Microsoft for over thirty years, after all. I need to explore it more, as I'm not sure whether there's an official word processing program on here, or whether it's just Notes. I still have my paid annual subscription to Microsoft Office to cancel but, if they do a version for OS, maybe I'll keep it. Hmmm. I was feeling inspired to write today, but I may actually just do that here. You know, start a separate blog and publish a serialised story, Dickens-style. Not sure who'd read it though.

I've just bought a new amplifier online too. It's collection only, but the guitar shop isn't too far from where I get my medication, so I'll try to kill to birds with one stone, as they say.

Well, I best get to bed. I may have lots to do tomorrow. I'm currently watching 30 Rock in bed, which is a great comfort watch.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Another sad retreat into isolation

I've nervously been dipping my toe back into Facebook and Twitter, hence me not posting here for ages, but it's all gone disastrously.

Surprised? No, me neither.

I'm feeling very tearful. I seem so adept at rubbing people the wrong way and losing friends. Even virtual friends. Virtual friends I haven't even made yet.

I'm going to stay in and stay off for a while. Limit my contact with the outside world.

Just me and single player video games, DVDs and guitars.

This world is not for me, so I shall create my own.

Everything is just terrible.

And it will only get worse.

Summer grumbling

Well, summer has finally arrived. I’ve dug out my system of towels to mop up the constant perspiration, which is bad even on a good day. I think it just runs in the family, as my blood pressure isn’t particularly high. I remember dad used to overheat too. I think it’s my thick, part-Canadian skin that’s the problem. I’m built for living on snowy mountaintops, not sun-bleached concrete council estates. So, yes, there’s not much to do in this weather, except sit as still as possible and hope for a breeze. I can play guitar effectively later in the evening, but during the day I’m just too sticky.

I’ve not drank since Thursday, by which point I’d been drunk for seven days straight. It seems to have knocked the grief out of me for now, but I was getting very bored. I’m not a high-functioning alcoholic. I randomly took a taxi down to the pub really late last-last Sunday evening, and accidentally stumbled upon the birthday barbeque bash of the bar manager. I got dragged in and hugged a lot, which was nice. It made me feel less lonely. Although, well, it’s a mild concern that I didn’t get an invite in the first place, but I’ll try not to dwell on that.

I’ve started thinking seriously about upgrading my living conditions. I need shelves and tables, basically. I’m slowly being pushed out by musical equipment, and I can’t take it anymore. Sadly, I’m not a very practical sort of fellow, so I’m taking the planning process very slowly. I did give my number to a handyman in the pub, but I’ve not heard anything since. I also gave my number to a guy who had a bookcase to give away, but I’ve not heard anything since. Sigh. I haven’t cleaned in a while, which is made difficult by all the clutter. I’m hoping that, once I can move stuff up from off the ground, I can finally give the place a much-much-much-needed once over. We shall see.

I’m feeling pretty low today, which means I’m fighting off the desire to go drinking. Like I said, it’s hard to do anything else in this heat really. Maybe I should order a crate of beer or head down to the pub, after I’ve posted this.

So, yeah, just more whingings from a disabled, alcoholic, depressed, lonely, middle-aged nerd. The reasons for me to not be here anymore are really stacking up. I think the note will be very short, something along the lines of: “Do you really need me to tell you why?!”. Good times.

I've spent a bit more than usual on the lottery this week, so you never know.

Well, I best go scrub up and figure out what to do with the rest of the day. The possibilities are endless: stay sober, or go get drunk.

Feels great to be alive.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

"I walk so that I don't let me stay in pain"

Well, I’ve tried to find something else to say other than how sad I am of late but, alas, I’ve drawn a blank. Literally. So, here I am, after two months of silence, prepared to indulge in a little self-pitying. I apologise in advance. Feel free to leave at this point.

Anyway, I’ve been very up and down since my ex and best friend passed away. When I’m sober, I have panic attacks and moments of abyssal sadness and despair. When I’m drunk, well, when I’m drunk I cope a bit better, which is worrying. Usually I like being sober, which is why I binge drink. I like to get the drunkenness out of the way in one go and as quickly as possible, so that then I can go back to my sober hobbies. But now… now… I kinda hate being sober. So, not only have I been too sad to type anything, but I’ve also been to drunk.

Although, saying that, I have managed to get some music recording done. It does actually help battle the depression to keep myself busy but, sometimes, the motivation to get started is hard to come by. I’m doing simple, short instrumental tracks, with titles inspired by all the history audiobooks/lectures I’ve been listening to. Here’s the first one I completed last week:

I’m trying to take things a bit slower this time, as my attempts last year were very scrappy and demoralising. If it takes a month to do one tack well, then that’s still better than racing to get one done in a week and being put off recording for another year. I’ve been inspired to get going by a couple of lo-fi alternative dream pop bands, Galaxie 500 and So Sue Me, who I’m just full-on addicted to right now. I recommend Galaxie’s “Don’t Let Our Youth Go to Waste” and So Sue Me’s “No Real Place”. I just get giddy when the latter starts plying.

As predicted, the criminally insane sister of my ex didn’t want any funeral or to see anyone regarding her sister’s death, mainly because she’s psychotically paranoid, so friends and other family members are apparently having a memorial this Friday. In a church, no less. My ex was two steps shy of falling into Christianity herself, I think, so I don’t think she’d disapprove too much, but I know she wanted a hippie-dippy woodland burial/scattering type of thing. I’ve told people this, but they haven’t listened. Plus, some of my ex’s friends are religious, and they seem to have appointed themselves in charge of things, as self-righteous arseholes usually do. Needless to say, I won't be attending. I was going to do my own thing and go to one of me and my ex’s favourite holiday destinations and lay a wreath somewhere, but the complexities of travelling just overwhelmed me, so those plans are on indefinite hiatus. What with my eyesight deteriorating all the time, plus my anxiety/depression, plus the fact that, even without the pandemic, I have become a bit of a shut-in, going further than down the road to my regular pub has become something of an ordeal. My ex used to help me with all that but, well, not anymore.

So that’s about it, really. Well, it’s not, but that’s all I have the energy to say right now. Maybe I’ll do part two later in the week. But, basically, what little botheration I ever had has officially been kicked in the balls, and I’m emotionally and mentally curled up on the floor just waiting for the pain to go away. If it ever will.

Good times.

Do stay in touch, darlings, and don’t let your youth go to waste.

Toodles!

A different world

Well, it’s Saturday morning, and I think I’m finally sober. I’ve been drunk for the best part of two weeks now, which I’ve become worryingly used to. I did have a three day dry spell, but that ended when I went down to the pub on Tuesday. I just needed to get out and see people, whoever it was. So, shock-horror, I went down to my regular pub, which I haven’t been to in a couple of months. Their Facebook said they would be open at midday, but when I turned up fifteen minutes after noon, their imposing main door was shut and bolted. Luckily, because I’m a proper alcoholic, I had their number stored in my phone. Double-lucky, a member of staff I’m friendly with answered the phone, so she let me in early, which was cool. I got to see them setting up before their official opening time, which was like peeking behind the curtain at the Great and Powerful Oz. They make it look so easy! Anyway, I actually asked the two members of staff setting up, who know me very well, whether I’d done anything to annoy anyone, as I was getting bad vibes the last time I was in there, and they said they hadn’t heard anything. There’s definitely one regular who hates my guts, and may have been turning a new member of staff against me, but I think I accept that now. I’ll just be sarcastic to him from now on. Prick.

Some people you just can’t win over, I guess.

So that ended my three days of sobriety. I think I’ll leave it today, even though I have a few beers left over. I’ve pretty much drank myself sober, which is apparently a thing. Or, at least, it is now.

I called my dad Wednesday night. I think. We had a nice, long catch-up. He’s apparently been very paranoid about catching Covid, still shutting himself in more than usual, so he’s been appreciating people giving him a call. Odd really, as he’s never been particularly bothered about stuff like that since I’ve known him (all my life, if you can believe it). Maybe it’s his age. I was a bit annoyed that he hadn’t called me after hearing my ex had died (he knew her pretty well), but whatever. I think his girlfriend keeps him under the thumb, so he’s reluctant to ring out. Sad, really.

All in all, I think I’ve passed through all the main stages of grieving. I can’t say I liked being sober for those three days last weekend, which is why I feel off the wagon so easily. I’ll probably try staying dry now until… well… the next time.

I’ve heard nothing regarding a funeral or wake or anything ex-girlfriend-death related. Even though I went out with her for nine years, I doubt I’ll be invited or even told about stuff like that. Sigh. Me and a friend are casually planning a road trip together to do our own little personal goodbye, so you might see some YouTube clips from that in the coming months. I’d call her a “mutual friend” of my ex’s, but I guess she’s just my friend now.

I did try sending a voice message to my gaming buddy about what happened, but I think that must have failed to send, as he’s not reacted to it at all. Unless he just doesn’t know what to say, so he’s not said anything. We did game together last Friday, where he was being very argumentative and racist, so I’m not sure I want to speak to him again. He’s really growing up to be quite a grotesquely ignorant individual. You’ll notice I haven’t uploaded any clips from that gaming session. I was still in shock about the ex passing, and my gaming buddy’s nasty behaviour was battering me senseless. I don’t think I pressed “Record Game Footage” once.

I did chat to my guitar guru finally. I drunkenly left a message on one of his YT videos asking him to call, as I’d deleted his contact in my phone, and he actually called! Mind. Blown. He’s a very sweet guy, but prone to temper tantrums. I’m still not sure why we hadn’t chatted in months, although I did wonder whether he was pulling some sort of power trip (making me contact him first), but I’m too tired to bother thinking about that shit anymore.

Everything feels so trivial now. I haven’t played guitar in ages. Doing anything constructive just seems pointless. I just want to sit getting drunk and watching Parks and Recreation, which I technically do quite a lot anyway, but now on a full-time, permanent basis. Still, I’ll try to make this the last post where I talk about this, as there’s nothing worse that somebody droning on about grief.

Right, let’s do Saturday.

Bah humbug.

A friend at peace

So they finally returned to redeliver my shopping at 8 pm. It was a lovely young man who came. I think he was expecting me to be ranting and raving, but I just blamed myself. Probably because I was to blame.

Anyway, I settled down to some beers and texting a mutual friend of my ex, who mentioned that my ex hadn’t been returning messages. I tried sending one and called her mobile and house numbers, but she didn’t answer. None of this was totally unusual behaviour, as she does usually have an annual meltdown around this time of year. These meltdowns often lead to friends having to go banging on her door, so we weren’t too worried. The next morning the mutual friend rang with the worlds “It’s not good news, I’m afraid”, at which point my stomach sank. Another mutual friend, a doctor, who I think had a key to my ex’s house, found my ex collapsed on the floor. It doesn’t look like suicide, apparently; more like one of the many medical conditions she suffered from. Being just the ex-boyfriend who hadn’t been in touch in a while, I assume I’ll be the last to know about anything from now on, but that’s ok. I don’t think I’d be able to cope with arranging anything. Her sister detests me, so I’m guessing that, should there be some sort of funeral, I’ll be strictly forbidden from attending. Public ceremonies aren’t really my cup of tea anyway, so I’ve started thinking about a way of saying goodbye on my own, maybe taking a trip somewhere we both visited together and laying some flowers. She liked flowers.

It's odd knowing she’s not around anymore. She cared a lot about so many things, and affected so many lives. The world just won’t be the same without her.

I hope she’s at peace now, as life always seemed so hard for her. She also missed her mother and grandfather, who both died over a decade ago. Her heart was always in the past, and her happiness was with people who were no longer here.

I hope she’s with them now, and finally happy.

Here's a picture of the two of us, I think taken around 2009ish. While I feature more prominently, I certainly didn't mean for it to be like that. It's cute though, right?