Finding reason, finding time

I had an appointment yesterday for some free legal advice about my house and other problems. We chatted for about an hour and made lots of calls. I think I have until Wednesday to hand in the voluntary repossession form otherwise legal proceedings will begin. I’m not sure whether to send it by post or hand it in at the local lender branch. The person I spoke to was meant to call me back yesterday afternoon but she never did, so I’m getting a little anxious about that. We covered a lot of issues.

My girlfriend was working somewhere different yesterday so I went and met her at closing time so we could both walk home together. It was really humid and sticky and seemed to take us forever. It wasn’t the best conditions in which to start an exercise routine. I hope it hasn’t put her off. It’s nice walking her home, I do love her company so much, we have a good giggle together.

Today we are going to town for a vintage crafts fair or something at The Circle venue in Sheffield. I like vintage stuff so I’m hoping even I will find an interest in it. We might go to the Hillsborough Park fair thingy on the way home but it will probably be mega busy so we might not bother.

I’m debating whether to send that form off this morning before the post gets collected or just to wait until those legal advice people call me back on Monday. It will be cutting it fine and I’ll be worrying all weekend if I don’t. Urgh, I hate this. What a mess!!

I have been posting on a forum for seven years and this weekend they are having a meet-up in London. It’s meant to celebrate the tenth anniversary of the forum but officially that will be in February. I would have liked to have gone but I have lots planned with my girlfriend for the next few days. Shame. Then again I’m not sure I’d want to travel all the way down from Sheffield to London just to get pissed for a few hours when I’m trying to stay sober.

I’m best off staying North.

Masturbation and me

Ever since I knew how I’ve masturbated regularly, sometimes twice a day (breakfast wank, after dinner wank) and on lazy days and weekends up to five times a day. It’s just become part of my routine and, as I’m sure it does with other people, helps me to relax and chill out.

Since I’ve been in a relationship (after 27 years of being single) I’ve tried my hardest to stop masturbating and save my urges and, erm, load for intimate acts with my partner. So far I have failed. I just don’t know how to function on a day to day basis without my regular acts of self gratification.

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve decided to stop, just to see what happens.

I think I understand now where the alpha male in our society comes from… not wanking enough. A few days without ejaculating seems to make me impatient, fidgety, forgetful, more impulsive and definitely more demanding sexually.

I’ve finally had a wank this morning to see what the change is and, well, this whole desire to share and talk about my experiences shows that I definitely seem to be more creative and contemplative after sex.

I think I’ll keep up the no wanking policy as I like how it’s made me a bit more impulsive in bed and will probably remove the need to wank anyway as I certainly become a bit more interested in self gratification and not so self conscious when being intimate.

How do you balance out masturbation and sex with a partner?

Cracks in the machine

Yesterday Sheffield felt like a tropical rainforest. It was very warm and damp culminating in a horrid, sticky humidity. I had to go into town for an appointment and had to drag myself home through the fog of heat. When I got home I had a shower and sat outside for ages trying to cool down.

In the evening I decided to make a chilli, which seemed like a strange idea considering how hot it was, but I got that itch to cook. I made enough for a plate last night, a small bowl for today and three bowls to go in the freezer. They hadn’t quite frozen by this morning but I put that down to me stacking them in the freezer drawer and accidentally insulating them. Silly boy!!

We woke up today to the smell of cigarette smoke in our room and wondered if the crack in the bedroom wall was starting to pump our housemates fag air through. My girlfriend has rang a handyman to get him to look at it. He’s very nice and reliable so we hope he can help.

Today might be gardening day if this dry sunny spell keeps up. I can’t say I’m in the mood for gardening but I guess I’ll never be, so I might as well just get on with it. It generally tends to cheer me up once it’s done.

My dad still hasn’t sent my microphone through the post so I’m unable to record music. Even if he had sent it by now the humidity has made it pretty unpleasant so I doubt recording would have been much on the agenda. I’m thinking of building a makeshift drum kit out of tins and plastic bowls to add a bigger percussion backing to the songs.

I loaded three White Stripes albums onto my iPod yesterday as I’ve been listening to different things lately. I’ve never been a massive fan of them but I thought I’d give them another go.

I might see if my registration with the local surgery has gone through so I can make an appointment with the doctor. I like to keep checking in and building up a case history in the event that my depression gets worse.

We shall see.

Crowds, cuddles and bubbles

I tried going to the Tramlines Festival yesterday in Sheffield but ended up getting a bit stressed by the crowds and hot weather. I wish my girlfriend had come with me as I felt very lonely amongst all the groups of revellers. Oh well. I guess it must have been a bit like the Edinburgh Festival, a whole city transformed into a party. I didn’t much like it. It didn’t help that there was a continental market on too which added to the chaos.

I don’t think I have the patience for the festival atmosphere. I like to go to a gig and know what to expect. Festivals are just full of people who aren’t into music, so it’s not the right setting at all if you appreciate it.

I’ve had a lazy morning watching Fellowship Of The Ring. I posted an entry on a forum last night claiming that The Two Towers and Return Of The King weren’t very good sequels, which I regret, so I’m making myself re-watch them to settle on a judgement.

My girlfriend has gone out to the shop to see if there are any nice treats for us both. We had lots of nice intimate cuddles this morning and even some fun as she had a bath. Mustn’t kiss and tell, but I’m still buzzing from it.

Eek, where’s Frodo? The Fellowship is breaking!!!

Beats or Barnsley?

Well yesterday we ended up going to Bakewell instead of Rotherham. I’m glad we did as Bakewell was lovely and we had a nice stroll around. We went to a local history museum and ended up getting very hot inside and had to leave to cool down. We made sure we had a slice of Bakewell Tart but also shared a Cornish Pasty, sausage roll and then had some chips and a spam fritter each. Basically we were a bit bloated by the end of the day.

The bus ride through the countryside was great, we’ve got such nice scenery right on our doorstep. We shall be going out into Derbyshire again, that’s for sure.

Today I might go to the Tramlines Festival in Sheffield. My girlfriend doesn’t want to go and might go to Barnsley for a wander round instead. I would like to go to the festival with her but she’s really not in the mood. I’m not sure what to do. There are a few things starting in the afternoon which I’d rather go to than things in the evening.

I am a bit worried about being tempted to drink, but I don’t think it’d be too bad if I had a couple. I’ll try to stick to my energy drinks as I know booze never heightens the experience anyway. Things just tend to get a bit messy.

Right, better go for a shower and work out what I’m going to do.

Facing life and finding a balance

Today we are going out for a daytrip to Rotherham. My girlfriend was born nearby and I haven’t been there at all. I’m not expecting much, but at least it will get us out of the house. Plans might change, however, as my girlfriend is getting excited about different local places to visit.

It has been an emotional week of deciding how to deal with various issues. I have made first contact with the local advice centre about my financial issues and my girlfriend has decided to pull out of OU for this year so she can deal with her anxiety. Our housemate is starting to take food and supplies again so we are making a list of what has gone missing so we can present it to her and ask for compensation. Doing it this way makes me feel less frustrated and helpless.

I have had to ring my dad to ask him to send my microphone in the post. By the sounds of it he never even read the email I sent last week. He’s a bit blonde sometimes. Hopefully I can start recording music again fairly sharpish.

My musical tastes are shifting away from Guided By Voices as I’ve been listening to them a bit too much. I’ve uploaded The Pigeon Detectives and The Hives onto my iPod, so basically I’ve fancied a bit of harder, faster rock.

The weather has gone from humid and sticky to heavy downpours. I wish it would find a happy medium somewhere.

I am looking forward to doing more things with my girlfriend and getting out more. I just hope we stick to the plan. Going out in the evening is the hardest to do, especially when you’ve settled on the couch.

Anyway, must dash.

Confrontations and revelations

Yesterday afternoon I got our housemate to apologise to my girlfriend for the stress she’s caused over the past week or so. Regardless of whether she wants to help herself or not (she couldn’t be bothered to wait around to make an appointment with the doctor this morning as she had to rush out and, well, do nothing) she has to know that she is upsetting others. The two of them had a chat but I don’t think they came to much of a conclusion. The housemate got the tears and attention she was craving and my girlfriend gave it up gladly. This will never end until some people find better ways of dealing with things.

I went to the Jobcentre today and had a chat with them about my job search. I keep telling them that with my eyesight getting worse I’m no longer sure what it is I can do with regards to employment and am concerned about going into an unsuitable work environment for health and safety reasons. They never have anything to say. They’re like robots. They have their little speeches to make and boxes to tick. One day I’ll have an appointment to see a Disability Employment Advisor, but that seems to take forever to arrange. I’m not sure if I’m even on the right benefit, but nobody’s telling me anything different. I need advice from a third party, I think.

I might contact Alcoholics Anonymous as, whilst I haven’t drank since February, it’s a constant struggle to fight temptation. With new stresses and worries coming up I am worried that I might fall off the wagon. Who knows. I shall try and register with the local doctor and try and pre-empt any problems.

I want to record some music but I still need a microphone. I’ve emailed my dad asking him if it’s still at his house but he’s not replied yet.

A friend emailed me to say that him and his wife are having a baby. This news was quite a surprise and reminded me of how careful I need to be in not feeling like I’m trapped. I’m concerned my life is starting to stop moving forward again. I keep taking my tablets but the atmosphere of negativity around here is overwhelming.

I shall just focus on what I enjoy… my music. It always makes me feel positive thinking about it. I hope I can get recording soon, for my own sanity.

This afternoon I am going over to see my girlfriend in work. I might fill out the forms to register at the surgery while I’m there. I find it hard to fill out forms at home. It’s just the wrong environment.

Anyway… onwards!!

Craft fair, fairly crafty

Had a mixed bag of a day yesterday.

My girlfriend and I went to a craft fair in town and met up with one of her friends. I was a little out of my depth amongst the stalls so I went for a quick bite to eat as I’d not done so all day. Once my girlfriend and her friend had finished at the fair we went for a walk and had some good chats. Her friend seems nice and we all managed to get a lot off our chests… which we hadn’t planned to do but we all seemed to open up and talk about personal stuff.

We might all meet up for a pub quiz next week. A bit of “coupling” no less. Has it come to this? Oh I’ll just let the wave of maturity carry me.

Later on yesterday we found a message on the house phone from my girlfriend’s housemate saying she had overdosed on anti-depressants and wanted a chat. We got the message five hours late and weren’t quite sure what to do as we didn’t have a contact number for her. A few minutes later the hospital called to say that she’d been taken in for a check up, but that she was fine.

We’re not quite sure how to handle it really as it seems like a bit of attention seeking from somebody who makes a living from seeking attention. I know that sounds harsh, but there’s no other way to describe it. She seems good at soaking up other people’s addictions and ailments (monkey see, monkey do etc) so we’ve just recommended she goes to the doctor and tells them what’s been going on. It’s hard to address somebody’s problems when they don’t appear to have any.

We’ve tried everything else and just get abused in return. This time we’ll keep our distance.

Today we’re going to have a rest and do some washing. We had a Chinese takeaway last night and there’s still a whole mushroom chow mein in the fridge which we’ll share later.

Police... Barnsley... Action!!!

My girlfriend’s housemate disappeared last night after splitting up with her boyfriend. We got a couple of angry messages from her on the house phone saying she was going to try walking back but, by morning, there was no sign of her.

We decided to call the police and report her as missing. A nice policeman came out and had a chat with us and took some notes.

Later on in the morning we got a call from one of the housemate’s usual haunts saying that she was there and safe so my girlfriend had a chat with her.

The search has been called off and everyone is back home.

We are a bit worried about the housemate’s (now) ex-boyfriend who seems like a nice guy and has problems with depression too. Even though the housemate wants nothing more to do with him my girlfriend and I will try and stay in touch so he’s not isolated. He’s been messed around a bit.

The day has been horrid and humid. We went to Barnsley after all the excitement with the police and had a wander around, but it was too stuffy and hot to do too much. We bought some herbs and I got some new shoes.

We are both very tired now after not sleeping well and having such a stressful day. This calls for an early night I think.

I might elaborate tomorrow.

Heat exhaustion, anxiety and vertigo

It’s been an odd couple of days. My girlfriend has not been well so I’ve been taking care of her. It’s thrown everything else out of synch though so I’ll have to play catch-up later this week.

We think she has heat exhaustion, which I think a lot of people are suffering from. Her bowels are playing up and she feels unsteady on her feet. I had something similar a few months ago when I had my collapse. It’s best to keep hydrated and eat healthy and salty food.

I started getting myself a little organised yesterday, just to start dealing with things again. I will need to contact the local Citizen’s Advice Bureau etc and continue getting help up here. We shall see how things go. I hope I adjust ok and manage to take care of things. I’ve got to make sure I don’t bury my head in the sand again.

We both watched Vertigo last night, which I enjoyed. It’s a haunting film but best watched only now and again. Along with Psycho it’s definitely Hitchcock’s most visually interesting film.

Anyway, best go check on my girlfriend…

Farms, herbs and chinese food

We had a slow, slightly uncertain start to the day today. What with the extreme weather both hot and windy we weren’t sure whether we wanted to head out. In the end we ditched our plans to go to the Sheffield “On The Waterfront” festival and instead went to, I think, Healy City Farm and bought some nice herbs and had lunch.

I’m finding herbs more and more interesting and they remind me just how marvellous this planet is and how much we take nature for granted.

Never forget!!

On the way home we stopped off at a fair thrown by the local emergency services. We arrived just as it was ending but it looked quite well received and busy.

When we got home I made another chow mein which was a little nicer than Friday’s. I used the rest of our homemade herb infused olive oil marinade to fry the vegetables in. I’ve still got some left. Top notch!!

I fed Branston our guinea pig a carrot by hand, it’s cute watching him nibble away. I want to build up a better layer of trust with him, as he’s still a nervous little thing. Bobbie the rabbit seemed quite sedate, I don’t think she likes this weather and is napping a lot. She seems ok though.

My girlfriend is now on the phone to a family friend and I am trying to cool down after doing the dishes.

All in all, today has been most enjoyable.

The IT Crowd, Episode 3: “Something Happened”

An episode that only half works because the storyline about Roy being sexually assaulted by a sports therapist during a relatively straight forward massage isn’t as funny as it’s meant to be. This wrong turn has a knock-on effect on both Moss’ reaction to Roy’s recounting of the incident and the later courtroom finale… neither of which work because what happens to Roy can actually be quite upsetting in real life and Chris O’Dowd’s emotional performance is a little too convincing.

This apparent attempt to pay tribute to Chris Morris and Brass Eye has the unfortunate effect of slightly undermining the seriousness of sexual assault, rather than satirising media witch-hunting.

Occasional poor editing choices mean that a few other moments in the episode stumble, but apart from that Jen’s romantic storyline is classic IT Crowd stuff which didn’t deserve to be pitted against such a dark companion story.

What happened, Graham? I await his DVD audio commentary with anticipation.

A day of errands…

I was in quite a paranoid state yesterday. I’m wondering whether it’s to do with my higher dosage of anti-depressants. I kept worrying my girlfriend was angry at me for something or kept snapping at me for no reason, but I couldn’t be sure, so I stayed calm and kept smiling. I know I tend to get the wrong end of the stick. I had my patient and persevering head on.

I’m up early today waiting to take delivery of a parcel for my girlfriend. I think it’s a new swimsuit. I hope she gives me a demonstration when she gets home, yay!!

I have a few things to get sorted regarding moving up here… register with the local doctor (although they still might have my details from when I was last here), let the Jobcentre know I’ve moved, change my address with the council house office (since I’m still going to bid for properties) and have a meeting with the local CAB to carry on dealing with my issues.

I’ll be a busy boy. Priorities? Jobcentre and housing office. Then doctor, then CAB… I think, something like that.

I’m still listening out for the door!!!

We had a Chinese takeaway last night to celebrate my arrival. There’s a little leftover in the fridge which I will have cold for lunch later. Cool.

I think I’ve forgotten to bring up my microphone to record music with. I’ve got everything else here, including electric guitars, but I’ve forgotten the one vital piece of equipment which enables me to record. Perhaps it’s a good thing, I am terrible at doing it, eek!!

We’re expecting my gf’s housemate to return today so I wonder how the mood will shift. Will there be conflict? I’m not looking forward to the stress of that. Last time I turned to drink. This time I’ll make sure I handle it better.

The dishes need doing too.

Onwards!!

Journey north, ships that pass in the night and reunion

Well I managed to take all day packing yesterday even though I didn’t have much stuff. I think it was because my room was such a mess and I had to find a way of making things as compact as possible to fit in the car. I gave the place a quick vacuum as well and washed the sheets… to leave it “as I’d found it”.

Dad drove me up and we had some nice chats in the car. I think we talked more than we have done over the past five months that we’ve been living under the same roof. I guess we have our own lives to lead. I think more has been going on than he has let on, especially regarding his depression over his ex-girlfriend, so I hope he’s talking to somebody about it and not bottling it all up.

I got to tell him how I was dealing with things better and how I am being more positive about life. I’d like him to not worry about me and be glad that I am healing. He kept mentioning employment in other contexts but I know he was hinting that he wants me to get a job. I want me to get a job, but it’s not that simple right now, my eyesight is going fast and I’m not sure what I can do anymore.

We got to Sheffield about 9pm and he set off straight back down to Newmarket. Anna was a bit relieved as she was worried about him mentioning her weight. I almost asked him to watch what he says but he had his sensible hat on anyway. She doesn’t need to worry, she looks great.

We had a good sleep last night and some fun in the morning, which was a nice introduction. I think I’ll just keep telling myself I’m only staying here temporarily if I want to keep sane should things get difficult with her housemate again. Fingers crossed it won’t be as bad, but I’m not holding my breath.

I picked up my prescription yesterday and have started taking my new “double dosage”. I wonder if I’ll hit those initial lows again. Hope not.

Right, onwards and upwards!!

The nomad moves on, the adventure continues…

It looks like tonight might be my last night here in Newmarket. I shall check with my girlfriend when she calls next but, basically, dad’s agreed to drive me up to Sheffield tomorrow night after he’s finished work. He didn’t seem to have much to say about it other than to remind me to be packed and ready for when he gets home.

I’ve not been sure whether he’s been happy to have me over or not, he doesn’t usually say much about anything. I know he’s struggled to keep the house running since his girlfriend left and I’ve been worried that he’s only staying in this house because of me. Hopefully once I’ve gone he can move on. Who knows.

I’ll be worried about him alone in this big house by himself but he seems pretty settled with his new girlfriend and seems to enjoy going down to visit her in Essex. Maybe this situation will work better for him… a relationship at a distance.

I think I’ve finally warmed to this house, which is nice because until now I’ve mainly only had bad times here when I’ve stayed over due to depression. That’s good in a way, at least I’ll have happy memories if dad decides to pitch his tent elsewhere, somewhere smaller.

I think it takes about two hours or so to get up to Sheffield from here, but then again I’m not sure how quick it will be with the rush hour traffic. Maybe after six it will be ok.

My girlfriend will ring soon and I’ll make sure she’s cool with me coming up tomorrow. I hope this whole post hasn’t been for nothing.

I went to see the doctor today and I asked him for a letter supporting my case for council tax exemption for the house I’ve not lived in for a year and a half… and is going to be repossessed. He’s a good guy, it’s a shame I’ll have to change doctors again. He also prescribed me a higher dosage of anti-depressants because I’ve been worried that I’m acclimatising to the current dosage. I have had a lot of mood swings lately and have been slipping back into a morbid state of mind.

With any luck I can pack lightly tomorrow, I don’t think I’ve got much here apart from paperwork, a few clothes, me laptop and guitar. We shall see.

I wonder if it’ll be cooler up in Sheffield, lol.

PS
My girlfriend finally called and she said that it’s cool for me to come up tomorrow. She sounds very excited… so am I.

A day on the coals

It’s too hot to think or to do anything particularly constructive. I’ve mostly spent the day slobbing around and listening to music. I had a second shower later in the day and a shave because I felt really grubby and sweaty. I felt better for it… at least I won’t have to shave tomorrow morning.

I’ve listened to some different things today. Dinosaur Jr, The Dream Syndicate, The Replacements, Sonic Youth and At The Drive In. So lots of American post-punk alternative rock. I do like that sound. Can’t stand “classic” punk though.

I’m looking forward to going back up to Sheffield. I hope the situation with living with my girlfriend will be stable. Things are still quite tense between her and her housemate and I’m concerned about how things will be once I arrive. Tried it once and bailed. Fingers crossed things will be different this time.

I was going to do some washing today but I think I’ll leave it until tomorrow or later in the week. If I can get dad to drive me to Sheffield sooner than the weekend then I’ll need some fresh threads. Actually, that reminds me, I need to buy underwear and socks. Shall check the cheaper shops in town tomorrow.

I’ve got to sign on and see the doctor tomorrow. I’ll tell them that I’m going up to Sheffield and will need to sign on there from now on. I hope it’s an easy process, I’m not in the mood for difficult at the moment. I shall ask the doctor about my medical state.

I wonder if I’ll get the chance to do some music recording. I listened back to some of the vocals I recorded last week and I’m not sure what to make of them. They’re either utterly awful or very avant-garde. I’ll keep going with it and see how they sound with a full rock backing.

My girlfriend is on her own and so am I. I wish we could curl up in bed together.

I hope tomorrow goes ok, I’m not looking forward to sleeping.

I hope it goes well, please say it will.

The big lock-out

I travelled back down to Newmarket today and it was very hot on the trains. We had to change at Nottingham due to, erm, gawd knows what, but they made us hop platforms anyway.

Maybe they did it for a laugh.

I got back to the house and found that dad hadn’t unbolted the door and I couldn’t get in. I finally managed to get through to him at his girlfriend’s house and he came all the way up from Essex to open up for me.

It was either that or I spent the night on the patio, eek!!

I told dad that I’m going to go and stay with my girlfriend permanently but he didn’t seem too interested. He said he might be able to drive me up next week but he showed no other interest other than that. He’s such a warm bloke, lol.

I really am starting to get fed up with his true colours.

His sons are for life, not just for Christmas.

I guess I’ll spend the night trying to cool down and wake up after my journey.

I feel a little lonely and I miss my girlfriend.

Decisions, drains and aliens

I shall be heading back down to Newmarket for hopefully the last time tomorrow. I’ll try and get dad to drive me and my gear back up to Sheffield mid week or at the weekend where I will stay. I hope I’ve made the right decision. I shall keep looking for council properties and keep bidding, but since the waiting time seems indefinite I may as well make alternate plans. I need to check my post at the house and see if I have anything regarding it’s repossession. I have to make sure I’m not due in court over anything. I’ve got an appointment with the doctor on Monday so I’ll try and get letters regarding my health to send to the council and Jobcentre etc.

I went into town yesterday and bought some drain unblocker for the bath. It’s been filling up with water when we take showers. My gf says it seems to have worked when she tried it this morning, so that’s good. She seemed glad that I was helping even though I don’t live here. She likes having that support. I’m always happy to help.

I watched Alien 3 last night and my gf seemed to get into it, which surprised me. She wasn’t too fussed about the first two but slowly her interest began to grow as I watched it in the background as she read her book. It’s not an amazing film but it’s lyrical in places and the supporting cast is brilliant. I love Charles Dance… I must see if he does any audiobooks, his voice is just lovely. I’m curious to see if my gf will want to watch the rest of it as we only got up to the bit with them readying the trap for the alien.

I need a shower.