Just a quick update. Life’s been pretty quiet of late, so it’s more internal stuff that I have to report.
I’ve been on my new antidepressants for about three and a half weeks now, plus one and a half weeks on the higher dose. Dosage? I’m never too sure how to word that. Anyway, I feel that I am over the worst of the initial negative side effects, and am now waiting for the positive effects to take hold. I am feeling some changes, but I try not to take them for granted. They may just be natural daily emotional shifts. The waiting is always the worst. Regardless, I’ve still been keeping myself indoors mostly, only going out to see my doctor or to take rubbish down to the wheelie bins. I do get a little fed up of these four walls, but I think it’s safer for everybody if I keep myself isolated for now. I did go out to the pub last Monday, which was pleasantly uneventful. I didn’t stay for too long. I went to the pub at the train station where nobody knows me, which made a nice change. Anonymity is nice, sometimes. I’m feeling a little more inclined to go back to my old regular pub now, so maybe that’s a sign that the medication is working. Who knows.
I was concerned that we were about to get a heavy snow fall, but that doesn’t seem to have transpired. I think it may have snowed one night, as I heard light precipitation hitting the window but, if it was snow, it didn’t settle. Apparently the weather is going to improve from now on, but I shall keep my cupboards stocked regardless.
Contact with other people has been minimal. I’ve played video games online with a couple of friends, and I’m in regular text communication with the ex, but that’s about it. Again, it’s probably for the best. Unless it’s not. Maybe I’m getting a little weird. I guess I’ll find out if I do return to my regular ale house. That friend I thought was “moving on” has assured me that they’ve not forgotten about me. They’re just a bit busy. I hadn’t said anything about it, but I think they were aware that we hadn’t spoken lately. I don’t want to be clingy or anything. I understand that friendships can come to an end. I also understand that I can be a bit of a handful, so it’s fine if people need a break from me.
I’ve been watching some new films, which feels healthy. It’s good to exercise the mind. I should be exercising my body too, but that’s just not been happening. I don’t feel too inclined to go into great detail about what I’ve watched, but I have been collecting films about artistic people, including Mr Turner, Love is the Devil and Vincent & Theo. The latter I’m in the midst of watching this afternoon. If you know of any inspiring biographical films about creative people, of any kind, then do get in touch.
I’ve also started listening to one of those Great Courses audio lectures on the history of China. I know next to nothing about Chinese history, so it’s been quite interesting. It’s amazing how much information there is about their BCE era. I suppose Britain is quite unique in having historical “dark ages”. I’m also finding that learning about history is often a lesson in how horrible people can be to one another, but there are some nice stories in there too. It’s not all bad.
Well, since I’m feeling a little emotionally muted today, I won’t keep you. Maybe I’ll post something more detailed over the weekend.
Do stay in touch.
Toodles!
Friday, 31 January 2020
Friday, 17 January 2020
Bedside history lessons
A week being back on antidepressants has brought about some lows and some mediums. I’ve generally felt very unwell, so have kept myself indoors. Today was the first time I’ve left the flat since last Wednesday, if only to take my rubbish down to the wheelie bins. It’s something. The side effects can make you physically unstable so, combining that with my poor eyesight, I thought it best to quarantine myself for a bit. My mood has also been pushed down considerably, but I expect that to be pulled back up eventually. It’s just how the tablets work, I’m afraid. I’m hoping that I’m over the worst, but I shall keep an open mind.
I’ve tried my best to keep away from booze while the side effects take hold, although I did have a mini-session on Monday. I felt slightly stranger than usual after a few beers, so I’m glad I kept it to a minimum. Well, a minimum for me. Since I’m feeling a little more clear-headed today, and because it’s Friday, I might have a session this evening. I’m still not feeling confident enough to go out, although I usually don’t at the weekends anyway. Maybe I’ll venture out after my doctor’s appointment on Wednesday. I still need to find myself a new regular drinking establishment after deciding that my usual place has been getting a bit racist. I have a couple of ideas.
Last night I finished the Great Causes audio lecture on Turning Points in Medieval History, which I’ve been listening to in bed off-and-on for a few months now. I was actually really sad when it was all over. I highly recommend it. The lecturer, Dorsey Armstrong, is very passionate, and has helped me generate a great deal of passion and interest in the subject matter. I will not only listen to this one again, but seek out further lectures by her. I’ve learnt more in these past few months than I ever did at school, I must say.
I’ve started watching the 1927 silent biopic about Napoleon. It’s about six hours long, so I’ve been waiting until I’ve been in the right mood. Since starting it, I’ve decided to treat it like a television miniseries that has multiple episodes, so I take a break for a day or so once I finish each act. It’s a very innovative film, for its time, therefore wonderful from a film appreciation perspective; however, it tends to lavish affection on its subject matter to a fault, treating Napoleon with almost Christ-like reverence. It’s alternately amusing and tiresome. I’ll let you know how I feel if I ever get to the end. Silent films are quite difficult for a visually impaired person to experience, so I sometimes get a little frustrated with how little information I am able to pick up. That’s not the film’s fault, of course, but it does mean that it’s taking me longer than necessary to get through it. Oh well.
Speaking of biopics, I also watched the 2002 film Frida the other day. Basically, I thought it was a good primer for somebody, like me, who knows next to nothing about artist Frida Kahlo but, overall, I thought it was a bad movie. It’s wonderfully shot, to the point where I actually want to track down more films by director Julie Taymor, but the script is embarrassingly banal. They clearly had a series of events that they wanted to put in the movie, but had no idea what to have the characters say to each other. There are moments of unintentional comedy. I actually wished this had been a silent film too. Also, while I enjoy Salma Hayek in most things she’s in, she is dreadfully miscast in this. She certainly looks the part, but you can image there were probably a dozen actresses, much more skilled, who would have been better and probably killed to be in the role. It feels like a wasted opportunity. But, again, I don’t blame Hayek for this, as she's naturally very charismatic and seems like a lovely person. It’s really the fault of whoever chose to cast her. Saying all that, due to the poor screenplay all the actors struggle, even the gorgeous Geoffrey Rush. So, yeah, I think I would recommend it, as it does have a lot of visual flare, but just try to close you ears whenever somebody starts to speak.
Golly, it’s been quite an educational week!
My neighbour downstairs has started listening to loud music a lot during the week again. I don’t mind when it’s at the weekend, as we all like a party, but when they’re doing it every day then it starts to get a bit much. I wonder whether she’s scored some new drugs or something. It’s not made my quarantining myself any easier, I must say. I’ll lodge an official complaint with the council next week. Or later on this afternoon.
Yes, she’s just started again.
Sigh.
Anyway, I don’t think I have much else to report, so I shall let you go for now.
Do stay in touch.
Toodles!
I’ve tried my best to keep away from booze while the side effects take hold, although I did have a mini-session on Monday. I felt slightly stranger than usual after a few beers, so I’m glad I kept it to a minimum. Well, a minimum for me. Since I’m feeling a little more clear-headed today, and because it’s Friday, I might have a session this evening. I’m still not feeling confident enough to go out, although I usually don’t at the weekends anyway. Maybe I’ll venture out after my doctor’s appointment on Wednesday. I still need to find myself a new regular drinking establishment after deciding that my usual place has been getting a bit racist. I have a couple of ideas.
Last night I finished the Great Causes audio lecture on Turning Points in Medieval History, which I’ve been listening to in bed off-and-on for a few months now. I was actually really sad when it was all over. I highly recommend it. The lecturer, Dorsey Armstrong, is very passionate, and has helped me generate a great deal of passion and interest in the subject matter. I will not only listen to this one again, but seek out further lectures by her. I’ve learnt more in these past few months than I ever did at school, I must say.
I’ve started watching the 1927 silent biopic about Napoleon. It’s about six hours long, so I’ve been waiting until I’ve been in the right mood. Since starting it, I’ve decided to treat it like a television miniseries that has multiple episodes, so I take a break for a day or so once I finish each act. It’s a very innovative film, for its time, therefore wonderful from a film appreciation perspective; however, it tends to lavish affection on its subject matter to a fault, treating Napoleon with almost Christ-like reverence. It’s alternately amusing and tiresome. I’ll let you know how I feel if I ever get to the end. Silent films are quite difficult for a visually impaired person to experience, so I sometimes get a little frustrated with how little information I am able to pick up. That’s not the film’s fault, of course, but it does mean that it’s taking me longer than necessary to get through it. Oh well.
Speaking of biopics, I also watched the 2002 film Frida the other day. Basically, I thought it was a good primer for somebody, like me, who knows next to nothing about artist Frida Kahlo but, overall, I thought it was a bad movie. It’s wonderfully shot, to the point where I actually want to track down more films by director Julie Taymor, but the script is embarrassingly banal. They clearly had a series of events that they wanted to put in the movie, but had no idea what to have the characters say to each other. There are moments of unintentional comedy. I actually wished this had been a silent film too. Also, while I enjoy Salma Hayek in most things she’s in, she is dreadfully miscast in this. She certainly looks the part, but you can image there were probably a dozen actresses, much more skilled, who would have been better and probably killed to be in the role. It feels like a wasted opportunity. But, again, I don’t blame Hayek for this, as she's naturally very charismatic and seems like a lovely person. It’s really the fault of whoever chose to cast her. Saying all that, due to the poor screenplay all the actors struggle, even the gorgeous Geoffrey Rush. So, yeah, I think I would recommend it, as it does have a lot of visual flare, but just try to close you ears whenever somebody starts to speak.
Golly, it’s been quite an educational week!
My neighbour downstairs has started listening to loud music a lot during the week again. I don’t mind when it’s at the weekend, as we all like a party, but when they’re doing it every day then it starts to get a bit much. I wonder whether she’s scored some new drugs or something. It’s not made my quarantining myself any easier, I must say. I’ll lodge an official complaint with the council next week. Or later on this afternoon.
Yes, she’s just started again.
Sigh.
Anyway, I don’t think I have much else to report, so I shall let you go for now.
Do stay in touch.
Toodles!
Friday, 10 January 2020
Crisis point
Well, I made it through the dreaded Christmas shutdown period. Just. It was pretty hard going for a while there. I did finally manage to swing my sleep pattern back around to normal, so today I woke up at a healthy 0700. Unfortunately, I did have to resort to heavy drinking, but that really does seem to be my only solution. Anyway, it worked.
The important thing about getting my healthier sleep pattern back is being able to get out and do stuff. Most importantly, this week I managed to get to my doctor, wherein it all came out. My tearful rant lasted about ten minutes. He seemed quite taken aback by my honesty, even thanking me for opening up to him. I’m not sure why, as that’s kinda what he’s there for. Maybe he’s had some trouble with his patients recently. Who knows. Well, to cut a long story short, he’s put me back on antidepressants and is going to arrange some counselling. I took the third tablet this morning, and already I’m getting the usual horrible side effects one gets when starting and ending antidepressants. It’s a change, though. Change is good.
Getting all that stuff off my chest did help, although it hasn’t cured me. I’ve been taking the last few days very slow. I’m treating myself to things I like as much as possible, as I know the next few weeks will be tough. After all, antidepressants do take about 4-6 weeks to take a positive effect. You really have to be patient which, to be honest, is a difficult thing to do when your emotions, and possibly your life, are hanging by a thread.
I also admitted to my doctor that I’d been drinking heavily. Being drunk has been the only time that I’ve felt happy and sane. It’s also when I feel like I have some control over my emotions. Even the hangovers. It’s like: “I did this. Me. It was MY choice for once”. Sigh. What a mess.
So, yeah, things are moving forward. I think. I’m currently waiting for the counsellor to call to make an appointment. Goodness knows when that’ll be. My doctor wants to see me in two weeks to check up on me. You can only usually make bookings about a month or so in advance, which is a pain, but he gave me a sort-of override code to take to reception. That was pretty cool. Fit me in, grrrl!
One of the immediate side effects of the tablets seems to be sleepiness. I don’t have a problem with this. So, amazingly enough, I went to bed last night at a sensible time and actually felt like falling asleep. It wasn’t the usual battle to attain unconsciousness. Very strange. I hope this continues.
I’m not quite sure what else to report at the moment, as everything is up in the air. I do feel a little more like being creative today, which is great. I actually played guitar for the first time in weeks, I’ve just put on a movie to watch, and I’m writing this. Who knows what other craaazy things might happen!
In other news, I’m thinking of changing the pub I usually go to, as some of the regulars have started getting a bit racist at the bar. The worst thing is, one of the bartenders won’t say anything. It’s a bit upsetting to hear. Some of them have also started being a bit standoffish with me. I don’t know whether it’s just my usual paranoia or what, but something definitely seems to have changed. I’ve been going there for a few years now, so I should be on better terms with people. But I’m not. I do get a bit upset when friendships with people don’t move forward, so perhaps it is just my usual reaction to this sort of situation. I don’t know. Well, anyway, I’m going to try somewhere else, maybe a place that’s a little more anonymous, where I don’t have to worry about fitting in. A shitty high street sorta establishment. We shall see.
Right, I better go.
Do stay in touch.
Toodles!
The important thing about getting my healthier sleep pattern back is being able to get out and do stuff. Most importantly, this week I managed to get to my doctor, wherein it all came out. My tearful rant lasted about ten minutes. He seemed quite taken aback by my honesty, even thanking me for opening up to him. I’m not sure why, as that’s kinda what he’s there for. Maybe he’s had some trouble with his patients recently. Who knows. Well, to cut a long story short, he’s put me back on antidepressants and is going to arrange some counselling. I took the third tablet this morning, and already I’m getting the usual horrible side effects one gets when starting and ending antidepressants. It’s a change, though. Change is good.
Getting all that stuff off my chest did help, although it hasn’t cured me. I’ve been taking the last few days very slow. I’m treating myself to things I like as much as possible, as I know the next few weeks will be tough. After all, antidepressants do take about 4-6 weeks to take a positive effect. You really have to be patient which, to be honest, is a difficult thing to do when your emotions, and possibly your life, are hanging by a thread.
I also admitted to my doctor that I’d been drinking heavily. Being drunk has been the only time that I’ve felt happy and sane. It’s also when I feel like I have some control over my emotions. Even the hangovers. It’s like: “I did this. Me. It was MY choice for once”. Sigh. What a mess.
So, yeah, things are moving forward. I think. I’m currently waiting for the counsellor to call to make an appointment. Goodness knows when that’ll be. My doctor wants to see me in two weeks to check up on me. You can only usually make bookings about a month or so in advance, which is a pain, but he gave me a sort-of override code to take to reception. That was pretty cool. Fit me in, grrrl!
One of the immediate side effects of the tablets seems to be sleepiness. I don’t have a problem with this. So, amazingly enough, I went to bed last night at a sensible time and actually felt like falling asleep. It wasn’t the usual battle to attain unconsciousness. Very strange. I hope this continues.
I’m not quite sure what else to report at the moment, as everything is up in the air. I do feel a little more like being creative today, which is great. I actually played guitar for the first time in weeks, I’ve just put on a movie to watch, and I’m writing this. Who knows what other craaazy things might happen!
In other news, I’m thinking of changing the pub I usually go to, as some of the regulars have started getting a bit racist at the bar. The worst thing is, one of the bartenders won’t say anything. It’s a bit upsetting to hear. Some of them have also started being a bit standoffish with me. I don’t know whether it’s just my usual paranoia or what, but something definitely seems to have changed. I’ve been going there for a few years now, so I should be on better terms with people. But I’m not. I do get a bit upset when friendships with people don’t move forward, so perhaps it is just my usual reaction to this sort of situation. I don’t know. Well, anyway, I’m going to try somewhere else, maybe a place that’s a little more anonymous, where I don’t have to worry about fitting in. A shitty high street sorta establishment. We shall see.
Right, I better go.
Do stay in touch.
Toodles!
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