Crisis point

Well, I made it through the dreaded Christmas shutdown period. Just. It was pretty hard going for a while there. I did finally manage to swing my sleep pattern back around to normal, so today I woke up at a healthy 0700. Unfortunately, I did have to resort to heavy drinking, but that really does seem to be my only solution. Anyway, it worked.

The important thing about getting my healthier sleep pattern back is being able to get out and do stuff. Most importantly, this week I managed to get to my doctor, wherein it all came out. My tearful rant lasted about ten minutes. He seemed quite taken aback by my honesty, even thanking me for opening up to him. I’m not sure why, as that’s kinda what he’s there for. Maybe he’s had some trouble with his patients recently. Who knows. Well, to cut a long story short, he’s put me back on antidepressants and is going to arrange some counselling. I took the third tablet this morning, and already I’m getting the usual horrible side effects one gets when starting and ending antidepressants. It’s a change, though. Change is good.

Getting all that stuff off my chest did help, although it hasn’t cured me. I’ve been taking the last few days very slow. I’m treating myself to things I like as much as possible, as I know the next few weeks will be tough. After all, antidepressants do take about 4-6 weeks to take a positive effect. You really have to be patient which, to be honest, is a difficult thing to do when your emotions, and possibly your life, are hanging by a thread.

I also admitted to my doctor that I’d been drinking heavily. Being drunk has been the only time that I’ve felt happy and sane. It’s also when I feel like I have some control over my emotions. Even the hangovers. It’s like: “I did this. Me. It was MY choice for once”. Sigh. What a mess.

So, yeah, things are moving forward. I think. I’m currently waiting for the counsellor to call to make an appointment. Goodness knows when that’ll be. My doctor wants to see me in two weeks to check up on me. You can only usually make bookings about a month or so in advance, which is a pain, but he gave me a sort-of override code to take to reception. That was pretty cool. Fit me in, grrrl!

One of the immediate side effects of the tablets seems to be sleepiness. I don’t have a problem with this. So, amazingly enough, I went to bed last night at a sensible time and actually felt like falling asleep. It wasn’t the usual battle to attain unconsciousness. Very strange. I hope this continues.

I’m not quite sure what else to report at the moment, as everything is up in the air. I do feel a little more like being creative today, which is great. I actually played guitar for the first time in weeks, I’ve just put on a movie to watch, and I’m writing this. Who knows what other craaazy things might happen!

In other news, I’m thinking of changing the pub I usually go to, as some of the regulars have started getting a bit racist at the bar. The worst thing is, one of the bartenders won’t say anything. It’s a bit upsetting to hear. Some of them have also started being a bit standoffish with me. I don’t know whether it’s just my usual paranoia or what, but something definitely seems to have changed. I’ve been going there for a few years now, so I should be on better terms with people. But I’m not. I do get a bit upset when friendships with people don’t move forward, so perhaps it is just my usual reaction to this sort of situation. I don’t know. Well, anyway, I’m going to try somewhere else, maybe a place that’s a little more anonymous, where I don’t have to worry about fitting in. A shitty high street sorta establishment. We shall see.

Right, I better go.

Do stay in touch.

Toodles!