Greetings from the eye of the storm! Yes, apparently we’re getting another one, this time called “Jorge”. It’s supposed to have started already, but so far it’s been very sunny today with only relatively minor winds. Maybe the storm will “heat up” tomorrow. Or later on today. I was thinking about getting a takeaway later, so I hope, for the sake of the delivery person, that it doesn’t. We’ve been forecast snow for most days this week, but it really hasn’t materialised. Maybe it has in brief showers, but restocking my kitchen cupboards like a crazy person really wasn’t necessary. Oh well.
So, how am I feeling? Pretty rubbish. I still haven’t noticed a great change with being on these new antidepressants for two months. I’m still struggling to get out of bed in the morning, I’m feeling anxious and hopeless most of the time, and I’m resorting to boozing just to feel stable. I know the latter is a big no-no, but it’s the only time I feel vaguely sane. I need to file a new prescription soon, so I may ask for a telephone consultation with the doctor and discuss going up yet another dose. We shall see. I did have a chat with the local mental health people over the phone. We went through one of those standard “rate how you feel” questionnaires, most of the answers to which I gave the highest rating of negativity. That’s never happened before. Usually I have to think about my answers and give sevens or eights. In this case, however, everything was a ten. Bad across the board. It was pretty grim. It’s been over a week since that conversation, but nobody’s been in touch. My feeling of isolation and dread worsens.
On the slightly plus side, my libido seems to have improved. I’ve started feeling naturally amorous at random points throughout the day, and haven’t struggled to reach orgasm. Actually, I’ve been getting so much precum whilst masturbating that it’s gotten annoying. Well, only in a technical respect. It means there’s just another thing to have to dry off. Still, my orgasms have been nicely intense, one being so much so that I overshot the towel between my legs. Not bad!
I actually managed to go to the pub on Thursday and not continue drinking once I got home, which is good. For me. I was pretty much over my hangover by yesterday afternoon. I need to do that every time, really. My best tactic is to plan an elaborate meal to cook for myself once I get home, which saps my energy. I can have a can or two while I’m cooking but, basically, the feast will send me to sleep so I don’t continue drinking indefinitely. It’s actually more fun that way. I think I stopped doing that a while back because I kept having incidents where I fell asleep while waiting for stuff to cook. Cue the smoke alarm. So, yeah, I just need to be a bit more careful, which is kinda tricky when you’re smashed.
At the very, very, very least, this behaviour gets me out of the flat and talking to people. Otherwise, I’ve got nothing.
On the hobby front, I’m still not playing guitar much. I had a little strum yesterday, but it was very uninspired. I’m mainly watching sitcoms and listing to Discworld audiobooks. I did watch the documentary Night Will Fall the other day, which follows the rediscovery and completion of the post-war government documentary German Concentration Camps Factual Survey. I have a vague interest in stories about lost artworks, so I decided to invest in the DVD. I was a bit dubious about a documentary-about-a-documentary, but it generally justified its existence. I think German Concentration Camps Factual Survey might be in the public domain, so free to watch online, but I’ve yet to catch it. It may not be. As you can imagine, it’s quite an emotional thing to experience. One should never be in the right mood to witness such horrors, but there is a middle ground somewhere. I’m sure I’ll get around to it this weekend.
I’ve been listening to the new album by La Roux this week, which has yet to grab my attention. It’s elevator music akin to the recent Arctic Monkeys album Tranquillity Base Hotel & Casino. Is this a new genre: boring the crap out of people? Sheesh. And I thought I was the one supposed to be getting old and stale. I shall persevere though. Maybe it just takes a few listens. I’ll let you know.
I’ve been listening to the Astronomy Cast a lot this week. I’m ten years behind, so I’m sure a lot of the information is out of date now but, hey, that just means I’ll have lots of fun update episodes to listen to. The two hosts are so inspiring. Due to my deteriorating Retinitis Pigmentosa eye condition (and maths blindness, intellectually speaking), astronomy is something I’ve never been able to engage in, which has always upset me. However, hearing these two wonderful people getting excited about it and sharing their enthusiasm with the world is a constant joy. I can’t recommend it enough.
I’m still doing a lot of solo gaming at the moment, almost to the point where I’m tempted to cancel my PS+ subscription. I’m just not talking to anyone anymore. I’ll give it a few more weeks though. There’s only a few games I’ll have to purchase if I do end it. I still enjoy doing GTA Online races and, when I’m drunk and feeling brave, playing Rainbow Six: Siege multiplayer, but it may not be enough for the £7 a month. I’ll have a think.
I’ve still not watched that documentary on Motown, which I’ve had on Blu-ray for about a fortnight now. Since I’ve not been feeling particularly musical, I’ve just not felt inclined to sit down with it and press play. Maybe doing so will inspire me to start performing more music myself. I’ll see how I feel later on today.
My mum rang me yesterday. I’ve not spoken to her since, well, probably early last year. Or maybe longer. She’s well into her seventies now and has been recently having trouble with her memory. She said over the phone that she’s been diagnosed with Early Onset Memory Loss, but I’m wondering whether it’s Dementia and she just doesn’t want to admit it to people. She’s very sensitive about what people think. She did get something wrong about me during our chat, which was rather worrying. It wasn’t a major thing, but she recalled something that I just hadn’t done. I kept trying to tell her that she must be thinking of someone else, but she didn’t seem to understand. Bless. She’s always been a bit eccentric, so this is hardly a huge step but, still, it’s sad to hear someone you love deteriorating. I haven’t seen either (divorced) parent in person in a decade now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about them. I’m just worried about my depression affecting them, because it probably will.
Anyway, I think that’s all for now. This post has been a bit of a mixed bag. I’m not sure how far off a little positivity is. The horizon looks pretty bare.
Do stay in touch, darlings.
Toodles!
Saturday, 29 February 2020
Saturday, 15 February 2020
Playing the fool (in the game of life)
Well, well, well, here we are again. The weather is still rather horrid, with high winds and horizontal rain battering the building as I type. It doesn’t help one’s mood, I must say. Speaking of mood, that’s not been great this week either. My new medication is supposed to combat this, but I’ve been feeling rather rejected and hopeless since my trip to the pub on Wednesday. I know booze doesn’t help but, as you may have noticed from my ad hoc “An alien” post, I felt like I’d failed to connect with people yet again. I may go back to a more anonymous drinking establishment, who knows. I feel so much for people, despite my outward misanthropy, and yet I just can’t seem to express it. Or am too afraid to. Why? Maybe it’s my rather reserved upbringing. Or just my mental health issues. I did give my gaming handle to someone, in case they might want to add me as a friend. They haven’t. I guess they could be busy or blah blah blah, or maybe I should just take the hint. That guy I like ended up taking another bloke home with him from the pub. For a friendly hangout, I assume, but still… I wish that kind of thing would happen to me. That’s my simple dream – to sit and watch some bad movies with a friend and get drunk together. It seems such an impossible thing to achieve. Everyone but me are pairing off together. Sigh.
Anyway, my two medical appointments didn’t pan out this week. The first I rearranged because the weather was so bad, the second my doctor cancelled because he couldn’t get to work due to snow. I’m guessing he lives somewhere nice out in the country, as Sheffield seemed snow-free. I think it did try to snow one day, but it didn’t stick.
I ended up having to walk down to the pub the other day, as part of the route down there was closed off for some reason. My bus service seemed to be cancelled altogether. There was a simple way of going around the obstruction, but I don’t think they were even trying. Oh well, at least I got some exercise. I’d do that more, but the weather does tend to sap one’s enthusiasm. I think I may feel well enough now to start using my exercise bike again, so maybe I’ll start later on today, or do it tomorrow morning. We shall see.
I re-watched that Shock Treatment film on Tuesday, only this time with the audio commentary track by Nell Campbell and Patricia Quinn on. What a delightful pair of old lushes! They’re SO catty! Listening to them rambling on is the most fun you can ever have. Patty Quinn is not quite on this planet, unless she was having a few glasses of wine as they chatted. She was just as bizarre during the mid-90s Rocky Horror commentary recording that she did with Dicky O’Brien. That one’s on the DVD. I’ve been listening to the Shock Treatment soundtrack all week. I highly recommend: “Denton USA”, “Bitchin’ in the Kitchen”, “Little Black Dress”, “Shock Treatment”, “Breaking Out” and “Anyhow, Anyhow”. “Breaking Out” is a great moment in the movie itself. I don’t know why, but the tight medium shot of Oscar Drill as he sings it is so powerful. I was totally rivetted the first time I saw it. I may have to add “Breaking Out” to my Good Songs playlist on Spotify. Here's that scene:
I haven’t watched much else new, as I’ve mostly been indulging in safe, familiar stuff. Hopefully I’ll be brave and branch out this week. I certainly have plenty of new stuff to be getting on with. I did start watching that Good Omens series, which I was really enjoying. I’ve just not gotten around to continuing it yet. I’ll add it to the list!
I’m wondering whether to treat myself to a takeaway tonight, but I feel so bad making delivery people come out in this weather. I almost talked myself into going out to the pub again today but, alas, this weather has put me off. It looks and sounds pretty brutal out there. Apparently the storm has been named: “Clara”. So now you know.
What else? Hmmm, I guess my sex-drive has been pretty low the past few weeks. Maybe that’s medication related. I’ve masturbated nearly every day, but I’ve kinda had to remind myself to do it. I tend to fire-up some porn, rather begrudgingly, in the hope that something will interest me. Mostly I’ve gotten there in the end, but it’s been a pretty mechanical process. I could do with some real passion in my life. A big fat cock to suck would be nice. Nom, nom, nom!
Oh, I just found out Green Day have a new album out, called Father of All Motherfuckers. I just listened to it about an hour ago. It was pretty forgettable, like Revolution Radio. Shame, as I’ve loved all their stuff from American Idiot to the Uno! Dos! Tre! trilogy. I guess you can’t keep going forever. They can’t need the money anymore, so I admire that they’re probably still working simply because they enjoy it. That’s a comforting thought.
I was quite proud that I managed to complete Downwell the other week. I’ve been playing it for years, but have only just managed to defeat the big boss. I almost didn’t finish that session actually, as it was just before I went out to the pub last Saturday. As I went through each level I was all like “Shall I keep going? I really need to leave the house!”, but I stuck with it and, miraculously , actually got to the end. I was so stunned. Here’s the video of my extraordinary victory:
Speaking of video games, my gaming buddy has said they’ll be offline indefinitely from now on, so I’m guessing that’s another friendship coming to a conclusion. I’m really stacking them up, aren’t I? Well, it’s not the most shocking turn of events ever. As I’ve said in the past – I’m used to having to move on. Maybe they’ll make a comeback someday, but I’ll gracefully accept their departure in the meantime.
Right, I best go experience life so I have more to write about. I hope you’re all staying dry, darlings.
Do stay in touch!
Toodles!
Anyway, my two medical appointments didn’t pan out this week. The first I rearranged because the weather was so bad, the second my doctor cancelled because he couldn’t get to work due to snow. I’m guessing he lives somewhere nice out in the country, as Sheffield seemed snow-free. I think it did try to snow one day, but it didn’t stick.
I ended up having to walk down to the pub the other day, as part of the route down there was closed off for some reason. My bus service seemed to be cancelled altogether. There was a simple way of going around the obstruction, but I don’t think they were even trying. Oh well, at least I got some exercise. I’d do that more, but the weather does tend to sap one’s enthusiasm. I think I may feel well enough now to start using my exercise bike again, so maybe I’ll start later on today, or do it tomorrow morning. We shall see.
I re-watched that Shock Treatment film on Tuesday, only this time with the audio commentary track by Nell Campbell and Patricia Quinn on. What a delightful pair of old lushes! They’re SO catty! Listening to them rambling on is the most fun you can ever have. Patty Quinn is not quite on this planet, unless she was having a few glasses of wine as they chatted. She was just as bizarre during the mid-90s Rocky Horror commentary recording that she did with Dicky O’Brien. That one’s on the DVD. I’ve been listening to the Shock Treatment soundtrack all week. I highly recommend: “Denton USA”, “Bitchin’ in the Kitchen”, “Little Black Dress”, “Shock Treatment”, “Breaking Out” and “Anyhow, Anyhow”. “Breaking Out” is a great moment in the movie itself. I don’t know why, but the tight medium shot of Oscar Drill as he sings it is so powerful. I was totally rivetted the first time I saw it. I may have to add “Breaking Out” to my Good Songs playlist on Spotify. Here's that scene:
I haven’t watched much else new, as I’ve mostly been indulging in safe, familiar stuff. Hopefully I’ll be brave and branch out this week. I certainly have plenty of new stuff to be getting on with. I did start watching that Good Omens series, which I was really enjoying. I’ve just not gotten around to continuing it yet. I’ll add it to the list!
I’m wondering whether to treat myself to a takeaway tonight, but I feel so bad making delivery people come out in this weather. I almost talked myself into going out to the pub again today but, alas, this weather has put me off. It looks and sounds pretty brutal out there. Apparently the storm has been named: “Clara”. So now you know.
What else? Hmmm, I guess my sex-drive has been pretty low the past few weeks. Maybe that’s medication related. I’ve masturbated nearly every day, but I’ve kinda had to remind myself to do it. I tend to fire-up some porn, rather begrudgingly, in the hope that something will interest me. Mostly I’ve gotten there in the end, but it’s been a pretty mechanical process. I could do with some real passion in my life. A big fat cock to suck would be nice. Nom, nom, nom!
Oh, I just found out Green Day have a new album out, called Father of All Motherfuckers. I just listened to it about an hour ago. It was pretty forgettable, like Revolution Radio. Shame, as I’ve loved all their stuff from American Idiot to the Uno! Dos! Tre! trilogy. I guess you can’t keep going forever. They can’t need the money anymore, so I admire that they’re probably still working simply because they enjoy it. That’s a comforting thought.
I was quite proud that I managed to complete Downwell the other week. I’ve been playing it for years, but have only just managed to defeat the big boss. I almost didn’t finish that session actually, as it was just before I went out to the pub last Saturday. As I went through each level I was all like “Shall I keep going? I really need to leave the house!”, but I stuck with it and, miraculously , actually got to the end. I was so stunned. Here’s the video of my extraordinary victory:
Speaking of video games, my gaming buddy has said they’ll be offline indefinitely from now on, so I’m guessing that’s another friendship coming to a conclusion. I’m really stacking them up, aren’t I? Well, it’s not the most shocking turn of events ever. As I’ve said in the past – I’m used to having to move on. Maybe they’ll make a comeback someday, but I’ll gracefully accept their departure in the meantime.
Right, I best go experience life so I have more to write about. I hope you’re all staying dry, darlings.
Do stay in touch!
Toodles!
Wednesday, 12 February 2020
An alien
I guess I sort of know, but generally I don't get why I don't connect with people like other people do. I do legit feel like an alien sometimes. Like everybody's in on something that I'm not.
I just don't understand.
I want to befriend people, but everyone just seems freaked out with me. Like there's something wrong with me.
Is it because I'm too complicated? Is it because I'm disabled? Is it because I'm queer?
I feel utterly lost tonight.
Society simply doesn't want me.
Why? Tell me the secret.
I just don't understand.
I want to befriend people, but everyone just seems freaked out with me. Like there's something wrong with me.
Is it because I'm too complicated? Is it because I'm disabled? Is it because I'm queer?
I feel utterly lost tonight.
Society simply doesn't want me.
Why? Tell me the secret.
Sunday, 9 February 2020
Blown away
But not in a sexual fashion, unfortunately. Chance would be a fine thing. Anyway, yes, the weather is appalling here in the north of England. I was genuinely worried my windows were going to shatter from the sheer force of the gales last night. I’m not quite sure where this has all come from, as I thought the weather was supposed to be getting better. Nope! Time to stock up on energy meter credit again, just in case it snows. Alas!
I’ve only got two medical appointments to attend this week, so at least I’m able to avoid unnecessary travel. Still, it all makes me a little anxious. I’m on the top floor of a block of flats that’s quite high up on a hill here, so the wind feels even stronger. The rain has been horizontal! If it’s not too rough on Wednesday, I’ll try popping to the pub after my appointment. I’ve started going back to my regular ale house, which is good. I think my new antidepressants have boosted my confidence a little. I was in such a bad state a month ago. I still have downs, but I’m definitely noticing some positive change. I just hope more is to come.
It’s been a bit quiet on the gaming front, but I’m actually getting used to that. My regular gaming buddy is still busy with other things at the moment, so I’m making do with single player stuff. I’m not sure whether this is a permanent situation or not, so I’m preparing myself for the worst. I’m familiarising myself with Rainbow Six: Siege maps by creating custom solo matches, then I just wander around getting used to the layout of each area. The villa map is my favourite. I wish I could live there for real. I like that it’s clearly a mansion owned by a single person, as there’s only one bedroom and the rest of the upstairs rooms are dedicated to hobbies. That’s how I’d have it. You never know! I just need those winning numbers.
Oh, I’ve just watched the 1981 film Shock Treatment, which is the sequel to The Rocky Horror Picture Show. It’s generally referred to as a “semi-sequel” as, while it follows the characters of Brad and Janet again, the story is completely different. It’s sort of a cross between The Prisoner and The Truman Show. It makes about as much sense as Rocky Horror, which is none, but it looks fabulous and the songs are great! I’d say this is a better film than Rocky Horror, and I prefer the lovely Jessica Harper as Janet. I can’t recommend this film enough. It’s just a shame that it’s generally ignored as an inferior accompaniment to Rock Horror. But no, it’s not! They made a real effort with Shock Treatment, and every penny is up there on screen. Please, PLEASE watch it, if you can. I’m becoming more and more convinced that Patty Quinn has the best voice ever. It’s just a shame she hasn’t done any audiobook readings. Bah!
I’ve also got a documentary on Motown, The Hateful Eight, and the Hamlet spinoff Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead to watch. I saw the latter on television years ago, but it’s taken me this long to track down a copy. I think they finally did a rerelease in 2015, which is what turned up yesterday.
Speaking of Tim Roth, I didn’t manage to finish that Vincent & Theo miniseries, in which he plays the titular Vincent Van Gogh. It was pretty terrible. I might get the shorter theatrical version and compare the two. The miniseries is just baffling. I’m not quite sure what Robert Altman was thinking, if he was thinking at all. It’s almost worth recommending just for how bizarrely dreadful it is. I’ll try and finish it before I dismiss it entirely though. If I can summon the energy.
Well, I best try and get some sleep. I’m working my way through Will & Grace in bed again. I’ve needed plenty of comfort watches recently. I did start watching the 80s British sitcom Shelley, but I’m taking a mini-break from it. It’s not been funny or interesting enough to stick with, but not bad enough to abandon. It’s just kind of, well, there. Hywel Bennett is delightful though, may he rest in peace.
Do stay in touch, darlings.
Toodles!
I’ve only got two medical appointments to attend this week, so at least I’m able to avoid unnecessary travel. Still, it all makes me a little anxious. I’m on the top floor of a block of flats that’s quite high up on a hill here, so the wind feels even stronger. The rain has been horizontal! If it’s not too rough on Wednesday, I’ll try popping to the pub after my appointment. I’ve started going back to my regular ale house, which is good. I think my new antidepressants have boosted my confidence a little. I was in such a bad state a month ago. I still have downs, but I’m definitely noticing some positive change. I just hope more is to come.
It’s been a bit quiet on the gaming front, but I’m actually getting used to that. My regular gaming buddy is still busy with other things at the moment, so I’m making do with single player stuff. I’m not sure whether this is a permanent situation or not, so I’m preparing myself for the worst. I’m familiarising myself with Rainbow Six: Siege maps by creating custom solo matches, then I just wander around getting used to the layout of each area. The villa map is my favourite. I wish I could live there for real. I like that it’s clearly a mansion owned by a single person, as there’s only one bedroom and the rest of the upstairs rooms are dedicated to hobbies. That’s how I’d have it. You never know! I just need those winning numbers.
Oh, I’ve just watched the 1981 film Shock Treatment, which is the sequel to The Rocky Horror Picture Show. It’s generally referred to as a “semi-sequel” as, while it follows the characters of Brad and Janet again, the story is completely different. It’s sort of a cross between The Prisoner and The Truman Show. It makes about as much sense as Rocky Horror, which is none, but it looks fabulous and the songs are great! I’d say this is a better film than Rocky Horror, and I prefer the lovely Jessica Harper as Janet. I can’t recommend this film enough. It’s just a shame that it’s generally ignored as an inferior accompaniment to Rock Horror. But no, it’s not! They made a real effort with Shock Treatment, and every penny is up there on screen. Please, PLEASE watch it, if you can. I’m becoming more and more convinced that Patty Quinn has the best voice ever. It’s just a shame she hasn’t done any audiobook readings. Bah!
I’ve also got a documentary on Motown, The Hateful Eight, and the Hamlet spinoff Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead to watch. I saw the latter on television years ago, but it’s taken me this long to track down a copy. I think they finally did a rerelease in 2015, which is what turned up yesterday.
Speaking of Tim Roth, I didn’t manage to finish that Vincent & Theo miniseries, in which he plays the titular Vincent Van Gogh. It was pretty terrible. I might get the shorter theatrical version and compare the two. The miniseries is just baffling. I’m not quite sure what Robert Altman was thinking, if he was thinking at all. It’s almost worth recommending just for how bizarrely dreadful it is. I’ll try and finish it before I dismiss it entirely though. If I can summon the energy.
Well, I best try and get some sleep. I’m working my way through Will & Grace in bed again. I’ve needed plenty of comfort watches recently. I did start watching the 80s British sitcom Shelley, but I’m taking a mini-break from it. It’s not been funny or interesting enough to stick with, but not bad enough to abandon. It’s just kind of, well, there. Hywel Bennett is delightful though, may he rest in peace.
Do stay in touch, darlings.
Toodles!
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