Drink, drugs and death camps

Greetings from the eye of the storm! Yes, apparently we’re getting another one, this time called “Jorge”. It’s supposed to have started already, but so far it’s been very sunny today with only relatively minor winds. Maybe the storm will “heat up” tomorrow. Or later on today. I was thinking about getting a takeaway later, so I hope, for the sake of the delivery person, that it doesn’t. We’ve been forecast snow for most days this week, but it really hasn’t materialised. Maybe it has in brief showers, but restocking my kitchen cupboards like a crazy person really wasn’t necessary. Oh well.

So, how am I feeling? Pretty rubbish. I still haven’t noticed a great change with being on these new antidepressants for two months. I’m still struggling to get out of bed in the morning, I’m feeling anxious and hopeless most of the time, and I’m resorting to boozing just to feel stable. I know the latter is a big no-no, but it’s the only time I feel vaguely sane. I need to file a new prescription soon, so I may ask for a telephone consultation with the doctor and discuss going up yet another dose. We shall see. I did have a chat with the local mental health people over the phone. We went through one of those standard “rate how you feel” questionnaires, most of the answers to which I gave the highest rating of negativity. That’s never happened before. Usually I have to think about my answers and give sevens or eights. In this case, however, everything was a ten. Bad across the board. It was pretty grim. It’s been over a week since that conversation, but nobody’s been in touch. My feeling of isolation and dread worsens.

On the slightly plus side, my libido seems to have improved. I’ve started feeling naturally amorous at random points throughout the day, and haven’t struggled to reach orgasm. Actually, I’ve been getting so much precum whilst masturbating that it’s gotten annoying. Well, only in a technical respect. It means there’s just another thing to have to dry off. Still, my orgasms have been nicely intense, one being so much so that I overshot the towel between my legs. Not bad!

I actually managed to go to the pub on Thursday and not continue drinking once I got home, which is good. For me. I was pretty much over my hangover by yesterday afternoon. I need to do that every time, really. My best tactic is to plan an elaborate meal to cook for myself once I get home, which saps my energy. I can have a can or two while I’m cooking but, basically, the feast will send me to sleep so I don’t continue drinking indefinitely. It’s actually more fun that way. I think I stopped doing that a while back because I kept having incidents where I fell asleep while waiting for stuff to cook. Cue the smoke alarm. So, yeah, I just need to be a bit more careful, which is kinda tricky when you’re smashed.

At the very, very, very least, this behaviour gets me out of the flat and talking to people. Otherwise, I’ve got nothing.

On the hobby front, I’m still not playing guitar much. I had a little strum yesterday, but it was very uninspired. I’m mainly watching sitcoms and listing to Discworld audiobooks. I did watch the documentary Night Will Fall the other day, which follows the rediscovery and completion of the post-war government documentary German Concentration Camps Factual Survey. I have a vague interest in stories about lost artworks, so I decided to invest in the DVD. I was a bit dubious about a documentary-about-a-documentary, but it generally justified its existence. I think German Concentration Camps Factual Survey might be in the public domain, so free to watch online, but I’ve yet to catch it. It may not be. As you can imagine, it’s quite an emotional thing to experience. One should never be in the right mood to witness such horrors, but there is a middle ground somewhere. I’m sure I’ll get around to it this weekend.

I’ve been listening to the new album by La Roux this week, which has yet to grab my attention. It’s elevator music akin to the recent Arctic Monkeys album Tranquillity Base Hotel & Casino. Is this a new genre: boring the crap out of people? Sheesh. And I thought I was the one supposed to be getting old and stale. I shall persevere though. Maybe it just takes a few listens. I’ll let you know.

I’ve been listening to the Astronomy Cast a lot this week. I’m ten years behind, so I’m sure a lot of the information is out of date now but, hey, that just means I’ll have lots of fun update episodes to listen to. The two hosts are so inspiring. Due to my deteriorating Retinitis Pigmentosa eye condition (and maths blindness, intellectually speaking), astronomy is something I’ve never been able to engage in, which has always upset me. However, hearing these two wonderful people getting excited about it and sharing their enthusiasm with the world is a constant joy. I can’t recommend it enough.

I’m still doing a lot of solo gaming at the moment, almost to the point where I’m tempted to cancel my PS+ subscription. I’m just not talking to anyone anymore. I’ll give it a few more weeks though. There’s only a few games I’ll have to purchase if I do end it. I still enjoy doing GTA Online races and, when I’m drunk and feeling brave, playing Rainbow Six: Siege multiplayer, but it may not be enough for the £7 a month. I’ll have a think.

I’ve still not watched that documentary on Motown, which I’ve had on Blu-ray for about a fortnight now. Since I’ve not been feeling particularly musical, I’ve just not felt inclined to sit down with it and press play. Maybe doing so will inspire me to start performing more music myself. I’ll see how I feel later on today.

My mum rang me yesterday. I’ve not spoken to her since, well, probably early last year. Or maybe longer. She’s well into her seventies now and has been recently having trouble with her memory. She said over the phone that she’s been diagnosed with Early Onset Memory Loss, but I’m wondering whether it’s Dementia and she just doesn’t want to admit it to people. She’s very sensitive about what people think. She did get something wrong about me during our chat, which was rather worrying. It wasn’t a major thing, but she recalled something that I just hadn’t done. I kept trying to tell her that she must be thinking of someone else, but she didn’t seem to understand. Bless. She’s always been a bit eccentric, so this is hardly a huge step but, still, it’s sad to hear someone you love deteriorating. I haven’t seen either (divorced) parent in person in a decade now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about them. I’m just worried about my depression affecting them, because it probably will.

Anyway, I think that’s all for now. This post has been a bit of a mixed bag. I’m not sure how far off a little positivity is. The horizon looks pretty bare.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!