Stacking chairs on tables

I just managed to fall asleep not long after going to bed proper, but sadly my body woke me up after only a couple of hours. I’d been up for at least 12 hours prior to, so I’m not sure why I was pulled out so soon. I’m wondering whether to make some coffee, but caffeine might not be the best thing for me right now.

My anxiety has increased this evening. I’m finding it hard to concentrate on anything again. I’m also feeling rather tearful, what with Asteroid City, an emotional film steeped in themes of loss and loneliness, affecting me greatly. I had a cry towards the end, especially during the balcony back-and-forth. It made me imagine the spirit of my ex saying to me “I’m not coming back, James”. Even now, I’m brought to tears.

I keep thinking how it’s sod’s law that I’m not able to buy booze in when I’m feeling so low, but then I remind myself that the whole reason I’m feeling low is due to this fuss with my bank and my subsequent inability to purchase anything that might “help” with a low mood. It’s a circular problem, where the only solution is patience. Sadly, patience is something I am in short supply of.

I’ve started to wonder whether my blood pressure medication is the thing shortening my temper. I almost just got into a physical altercation with a doorframe. I might try ringing my GP surgery about it tomorrow, although even a phone consultation can take weeks to book nowadays.

Perhaps going back on antidepressants is the thing, as what I’d hoped to achieve by coming off them has not come about. There was a brief lull where it seemed like my plan had worked, but not anymore.

Not anymore.

I’ve turned post comments back off. What a silly idea. I don’t know what I was thinking. I suppose any viewers I have must be either modbots, spybots, or someone with a Stephen Hawking-like physical disability, barely capable of communicating with the outside world.

Too soon?

Anyway, I might switch this whole blog to private, as writing just for myself won’t affect anything. The loneliness of this experience is beginning to weigh on me, much like everything else I attempt in life.

I guess this means you are free to consider this my last post.

Adios.

The cliff and the strawberry

I am pleased to report that I am in a better and calmer mood today. I believe I may have achieved a satisfying night of sleep, even though it was mostly experienced in short bursts. I was going to stay in bed a little longer, but an initial sense of sleep deprivation soon wore off.

I’m never sure whether or not to hyphenate “sleep deprivation”. What do you think?

I’m now watching Wes Anderson’s Asteroid City, which is as wonderful as all his movies. I loved the bit where the narrator, Bryan Cranston, accidentally interrupts a scene, subsequently apologising and exiting. I think Tom Hanks had to replace Bill Murray for some reason, although I don’t know the circumstances for this. I do hope Mr Murray is well.

I’ve played some electric guitar, which was fun. It’s nice feeling a little more active and inspired. I played that new Nashville Telecaster through a Vox emulation pedal then out my Fender Vibro Champ amplifier.

I’m pressing pause on Asteroid City a lot, which is what I tend to do whilst watching a film. I have a very short attention span and always feel like I should be doing something else, whatever task I find myself undertaking. My love making has been described as “sporadic but thorough”.

It’s a shame Wes Anderson hasn’t used Jared Gilman since Moonrise Kingdom. Sam and Suzy always remind me of me and my ex - social outcasts who eventually found each other. That’s why her passing away hurts so much. She was my soulmate.

Why did she have to go.

My old school friend has finally broken his usual weekend silence, albeit a day late. Sometimes it does take an extra day. Our conversation is as bawdy as usual. He’s not much for small talk. Neither am I.

One must discuss great matters, or none at all!

Anyway, I think I’ll have ham and egg on toast for lunch. I’ve taken a homemade dish out of the freezer for diner. I’m not sure what the dish is exactly, but I assume it’ll go well with rice or couscous. They usually do.

The weather has improved, at least visually. It’s been dark and wet these last few days, which I believe has been affecting my mood significantly.

No new debit card has arrived yet, although I am browsing for some new musical equipment to help keep my balance down.

I have money, just no means in which to use it. How can one start off the year with too many debit cards, then find themself with none?! Only this could happen to me. I best not dwell on it. Where’s my mental totem?!

Right, back to Asteroid City…

Burp.

Night noodling

It’s been about 12 hours since my rather stressful phone call with the bank. I have yet to calm down, feeling extremely anxious and restless. I’ve been able to have a few laughs throughout the day, but my usual sense of impending dread has been charged to its fullest.

I retired to bed a couple of hours ago but, of course, sleep alludes me. I’ve been listening to the Blurry Photos podcast, as I find it to be the most calming of the media at my disposal. Those silly boys really do know how to cut through the b.s. in life. I need that “energy”, now more than ever.

I’ve just gotten up to make some instant noodles. I like the Mama brand. They’re fun to build and the broth is sooo tasty. I wouldn’t usually add the included flavour sachet with cheap noodles, as they’re always horrid, but Mama’s are just divine.

I don’t think I’ll stay up longer than this little snack. I just can’t focus on anything. More DVDs arrived today, so I can do my random 80s Goldie Hawn marathon, at last. That new Wes Anderson film, Asteroid City, has turned up, which I only learned by chance had been released. It doesn’t seem than long ago since The French Dispatch came out, but I think that was help back during Covid.

I wonder if my dear departed ex is able to watch all his new films, wherever she is now.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to get maudlin about her. We just loved watching them together and always got excited when a new one came out in cinemas.

Nerds unite.

It’s still very chilly. I’ve had the heating on a few times today. I’m glad I have so many pairs of fingerless gloves secreted around the flat. I am good at losing things, after all.

I just started listening to that album William Shatner did with Ben Folds. It’s making me smile. I remember standing, stressed out, in a busy shop queue years and years ago thinking “Surely nothing can make this experience any worse”, then one of the songs from this album came on the PA. I was all like “Yep, that’ll do it, good call”.

Anyway, I thought writing down a few words might help calm me down a little more. Perhaps screaming into a pillow for half an hour or so might help also.

Right, time for noodles.

Burp.

Further adventures in call waiting

Well, I finally managed to get through to the bank for the third time. It turns out that, yes, the person I spoke to last week made a mistake and cancelled the wrong card and, even though I was somehow able to use it briefly over the weekend, my old card has also been cancelled. I discovered the latter late last night as I tried to put a supermarket order in, hence my rather downbeat post. So, basically, I sit here now, with no active debit cards at all, unable to order in… well… anything. Life, huh? The bank has now apparently issued me a completely new card to wipe the slate clean, but I shall remain skeptical.

This farce would be funny, were it not for my body-shattering anxiety.

I also can’t keep my bank balance down, which may cause additional problems. I may have to call the local blind society for some admin advice, which they offer to clients.

I managed to be polite over the phone, as I do generally have a long fuse. Bank staff, like the emergency services, work at the coalface of human misery, and I have no desire to make things worse for them. Even if they do fuck my life up and kick me closer and closer and closer to the edge.

Calm blue ocean. Calm blue ocean. Calm blue ocean.

Fortunately, I do have some supplies in the flat, so I shan’t starve. I think that would take me a good while anyway. The person I spoke to on the phone suggested getting a friend to buy stuff in for me, but I just said I didn’t have friends. That was kind of a low point for me.

So now all I can do is just sit here and wait to be shat on once again.

I wonder how long it will take.

I’m sure life has plenty planned for me.

I think I’ll instigate a “Chatty Tuesday” (I know it’s Monday) and unlock post comments, should anyone out there in the abyss have any positive thoughts to keep me buoyant. I’ll close the comments again on Wednesday.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Crying

Life is agony. It always has been, and it always will be. 

Nothing will make the pain go away. 

That is all I know. 

"I follow, where my love leads the way"

I must say, sticking to wine and beer is giving my alcoholism a fine longevity indeed! I’d usually be questioning every decision I’ve ever made by now, should cheap supermarket whisky rear its ugly head, but being “good” and moderate in my choice of poisons is working out very well for me.

I’m sure that seems obvious to most people, but it does take me a while.

I’m just watching Floyd Uncorked, as I sip a party box of shiraz. I felt a dose of Keith Floyd, my spiritual leader, was much needed. A takeaway has just been delivered, but I think I’ll leave that for a little while longer. Buying a microwave means takeaways can now be reheated more delicately. A conventional oven is not kind to leftovers.

I don’t use it for “real” cookery, be assured.

The Coen Brothers’ Hail, Caesar! arrived today. I’ve only watched it once before, but it definitely feels in line with The Big Lebowski. You know, one of those comedies where, even when nothing particularly funny is happening on screen, you’re laughing at the po-faced sincerity of it all.

See the films Moonrise Kingdom and the first Wayne’s World for more information.

I’ve been listening to Petronius’ The Satyricon in bed, whilst my head bubbles with stout and grape. It has to be one of my favourite works of fiction ever, reporting the exploits of three dimwitted bisexuals and their bawdy adventures. Sound familiar? Hmmm. Anyway, the liberal, pre-Christian morality at play is like learning to breathe for the first time. I can’t recommend it enough, if one is so inclined. It’s not for the faint hearted though, and I doubt such a work would get a publishing deal today. Maybe a visit from one authority or another, but not a publishing deal.

That’s progress for you.

Oh that grotesque cockney oik was in the area earlier. I think he and the noisy bitch (harsh, but trust me, she was a “bitch”) who lived downstairs a few years ago shacked up together nearby. I don’t have to hear his cheesegrater voice very often, but he does sometimes wander round with his dog, which he seems to use as a prop to chat to the local children.

A bit of a concern, but who would believe me?

So, yes, the wine is flowing, the Floyd is prancing, and the Indian cuisine is simmering.

Let’s make merry!

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

The night after the night before

So… erm… yeah, I’m not sure what that drunken post about Star Trek was all about. I wasn’t even watching star Trek last night, which is weird. I have no recollection at all about either typing said post or the thought process that went into it. Very strange. I wasn’t that out of it either, managing to make that mushroom stroganoff whilst swaying back and forth. Plus I was on the stout, having made a commitment to keep away from that damaging supermarket whisky. Oh well, it made for an amusing morning anyway, before being deleted.

This blog that nobody reads is about quality, dammit!

I’ve sobered up somewhat now, even though I had more booze delivered this morning. The plan was to get wrecked today too, but after a few cans and some lunch, I fell asleep for hours and hours. Sigh. Now I’ll have to start all over again, with a heavily reduced stock.

Alcoholism takes some planning, you know.

It’s still really cold, although I’m sure I’ll be moaning about the heat soon enough. The heat brings out all the local scallies, which means noise. A bit of sun and they congregate like rats at high tide in the sewer.

My old school friend has predictably gone quiet. It is the weekend, after all. It’s fine. Hos before bros. I get it.

Oh that wasn’t a joke at the end of yesterday’s “proper” post. I was sat on hold with the bank for over an hour when they shut up shop. At least I’ve found a card that works. What a palaver! I ordered some DVDs, just to see if money was flowing. I’ve decided to have an 80s Goldie Hawn marathon, of all things. So, basically, Sergeant Benjamin, Overboard, and Bird on a Wire are on the way. I did want the third one to be Wildcats, but there’s no UK release of it. I already have Sugarland Express and Death Becomes Her, but I wanted some new stuff.

 

Well, I just had a pot of coffee, so I’m not sure when today’s bedtime will be. I may still drink, or just take advantage of having sobered up. Decision, decisions.I mean, it’s not like being sober has been working for me recently.

Remember that fortnight of positivity? Oh well…

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!