Fear and loathing on the breadline

Hello! Just an attempt at a general update here. I’ve been pretty quiet of late, so I thought I’d outline a few ongoing life issues. Nothing too serious though. I think.

Due to my previously discussed new health problems, I’ve decided to knock booze on the head as best I can. I’ll allow myself Christmas, New Year’s Eve, my birthday and a hair-of-the-dog for the resultant hangovers, but that’s about it.

While I am, indeed, doing this for my own health, it was inspired by a gaming buddy not wanting to get together anymore when I was in that state. I wasn’t being nasty or anything, I just think it was bothering them to hear me in that condition. I’d keep off the bottle even if they still didn’t want to game with me, so this isn’t me trying to guilt-trip them. Sometimes you just need that kick up the arse.

I must say, going to the pub every day and asking for an orange juice & soda water has been a hurdle, as you do get the odd comment. Mostly though, people have been really cool about it, which has been a great relief. I mean, we all go through these things, right?

Sadly, what has made it harder has been a few smaller, random, unrelated things going wrong. These have been: medical appointments proving fruitless due to professional incompetence, stuff breaking down on me, and people I know going through their own life difficulties, leaving me feeling sad for them and nihilistic about the general unfairness of life. Despite these things, I’m learning to just ride the wave, and accept that getting drunk won’t solve any of the issues that keep cropping up.

Related to my staying on the wagon, I’m also trying to get more exercise, mostly by going out for a walk in the morning every day, then hopping on the exercise bike just before bed. Both boost my mood and leave me feeling really positive. It’s just the gaps in-between that fill me with anxiety, dread and hopelessness. What about, you ask? Nothing. It’s just good old clinical depression hard at work. I think the time is nearing for me to go back to my doctor and try out some different antidepressants, as my body seemed to start rejecting Fluoxetine after eight loyal years.

I’m still playing the lottery, which I’m forever unsure about. Some days it fills me with enough hope just to get through the week, then some days it fills me with despair, especially since I never win the jackpot. I just need to win once though, I keep telling myself. Just once!

My lottery-related “what if?” fantasies are becoming more and more regular and detailed. I hunt for houses on the internet that I’d like to buy, should I win the jackpot. I’ve favourited a few extravagant doozies to my browser. I’m not planning on staying in Sheffield, as there’s nothing keeping me here anymore. I’m looking to go back down south, where the landscape might be easier for a person with mobility issues to deal with. Sheffield is just too full of deadly little surprises.

Any recommendations you have will be much appreciated. I’m sure I’ll win tonight and have to start packing my bags in the morning, hehe.

Elsewhere, I’m working on my fiction writing, which could also spell my way out of this hellhole. It’s slow going, but I’m feeling pretty positive about it. I just need to stop dwelling on the chapters I’ve already written for now and just plow on to the end of this draft. I keep holding myself back by obsessing over the handful of opening pages. That behaviour needs to wait until the next pass.

So, yes, life’s mainly been a series of sharp peaks and troughs, which is something going back on medication should smooth out. I might make that appointment tomorrow. I’m getting a bit tired of randomly bursting into tears.

Well, I best leave you for now. I’ve been struggling to sleep this week, so my exercise routine is a bit hit and miss .I didn’t go for my walk this morning, and I’m not too sure whether I’ll be steady enough to go on the bike later. Sleep deprivation is truly a horrible thing.

Do stay in touch, darlings. If anyone is actually out there. My pageviews aren’t very encouraging these days, but it wasn’t any better before I left social networking, so I’m not putting it down to that. I guess I’m just fading away. I’m not a big seeker of attention anyway. Less is more.

Anyway, that’s my spleen vented for now.

Toodles.