Season's bleatings

Hey-ho! Thought I’d drop y’all a line, considering it’s that time of year when some of us struggle to stay emotionally buoyant more than others.

My only real plan for Christmas Day is to go down to the pub, share a few guffaws with the regulars, then go home and order a curry. I don’t think I’ve had a “proper” turkey dinner with all the trimmings in a couple of years, but I guess that’ll just make the next one extra-special.

I’m patching up my friendship with my ex, as we’ve both been really unwell this year so I thought we could both do with each other’s company. I think I’m the only one of her many, many friends with who she can cope with staying over at her home and spending any great deal of time with. Well, I guess we did go out for eight years. We hadn’t had a proper catch-up since I finally moved the last of my stuff out of her house in January, which is when I felt like even our friendship was over. I may have been a little melodramatic, but that’s not too strange for me. I’m a bit daft.

So, yeah, it’s been reassuring to have another friend to keep me sane. It felt a little unfair to put all that weight on my gaming buddy and a few confused old sods down at the pub. This flat and its inconsiderate tenants have been driving me crazy, so I needed to get out and see somebody. Putting aside petty differences to improve my mental health wasn’t too tough a challenge, and things seem to be going smoothly. For now.

I’ve made an appointment in January to finally talk to my doctor about going back on antidepressants. I’ve given it a year but, alas, I’m finding I just can’t cope anymore. I know I have other health problems which affect my mood, but my general outlook on life and myself as a person are so bleak and hopeless. When my old medication worked, they helped me get out of bed every morning and tackle each new day with vigour, regardless of my circumstances. Now, every day ahead feels like a wasteland of failure and inevitable decline. My mind also keeps pummeling me with bad memories that I'd rather just forget forever. It’s become a terrible struggle to not just sit crying and wailing into the darkness. Nobody should have to put up with that.

Booze-wise – yes, me staying off it didn’t last too long. A month, was it? Roughly. Anyway, I found myself at a low point one week where I just wanted to drink myself to death. I guess I could still achieve that, but trying the antidepressant route too seems sensible. I’m curious to see which ones I get put on this time, if at all.

In terms of hobbies, I’ve been getting into classic literature of late. On my current audiobook rotation are: Les Misérables, Don Quixote, Anna Karenina, Swann's Way and David Copperfield. All weighty doorstops, for sure, but I’m quite liking sinking into the past. At the risk of sounding maudlin, I often find peace in artworks made before I was born and all the problems started. It’s rather therapeutic. I’m also listening to a series of audio lectures on key turnings points in medieval Europe, which can get rather bleak. Humans have been quite shitty to one another throughout history. It hasn’t stopped. I've also started audioreading The Diary of Samuel Pepys, which I wanted to do more as research for a writing project. I'd like to set a story in the 17th or 18th centuries, so I thought Pepys' diary would get me in the right frame of mind. I've always wanted to read it, regardless.

I’m not playing guitar much at the moment, although I’m not sure why. I have a tinker on my acoustic maybe once or twice a week, but that’s about it. I’m sure I’ll come back round to another musical phase eventually, but it’s definitely on the backburner for now.

Oh, I've bought the Are You Being Served? boxset at last. I've obviously passed it while channel hopping when it's been on telly over the years, but I don't think I've ever actually sat through an entire episode before now. For some reason, I've felt like I've needed to watch it from the start, which really wasn't necessary. I'm really enjoying it, I must say. My favourite character is Mrs Slocombe, who is probably camper than the not-as-camp-as-his-reputation-suggests Mr Humphries (who's wonderful too). There's some awkward old-school 70s racism in there unfortunately, but so far there's only been one major incident. I'm on the third of ten series at the moment, and I hope the quality doesn't go downhill too steeply towards the end.

No romance news at the moment, I'm afraid. If something does crop up, then it’ll definitely be out of left field. I really could do with some intimacy though. Not sexual intimacy, just closeness with somebody I care about and who cares about me. It could be a he. It could be a she. When I'm lying in bed watching DVDs, I often imagine there's somebody lying there with me, their head on my chest, and I smell their hair, then they look up at me and smile, and I smile back, then we hold each other a little tighter and go back to watching whatever-it-was we were watching. I miss all that. I really don’t feel romantically about my ex anymore so, even though we’re becoming friends again, I don’t think I’d want to get back together. She’s been officially promoted to being my “fag hag”. Bless.

Saying that, there are a couple of guys I like, but I think they’ll just turn out to be dead ends. I’m not much to look at these days, even if they did turn out to be gay. I need to try a bit harder. Sigh. But, yeah, I’ve made the mistake of falling for straight guys in the past and, well, misery ensued. Flirting with supermarket delivery men will just have to do for now.

So, to bring things to a close, in some ways I’m shrugging to cope, but in others I’m feeling quite productive. It really depends on my mood on the day. I’m curious to see how Christmas Day goes, as I quite enjoyed a simple afternoon down at the ale house last year. I’ve not thought about what to do for New Year’s Eve yet, which is odd for me. I’m sure I’ll pick a film series to sit down with closer to the time. Maybe I’ll do the original six Star Trek films again. They’re usually a blast.

Well, if you fancy hooking up for a few jars over the holidays, then do let me know. I’ll probably be about somewhere staring off into the distance contemplating the universe. Fun, huh?

Anyway…

Toodles!