Lust for life

So the past couple of weeks have been a bit of a downer. My antidepressants really seem to be struggling to keep me afloat. I’ve definitely gone back to existing from day-to-day, barely achieving anything at all. I need to drop my prescription off soon actually as, much to my surprise, it’s been nearly a month since I last left the flat properly and I’m running out of meds. The days are slow but, somehow, they’re passing quickly. If all you really want out of life is to go down to the pub once or twice a week and converse with a bunch of sad weirdos like you, but you can’t, because they’ve shut all the pubs down, then you really start to lose focus. I mean, I’m into other stuff, obviously, but wandering down the hill for a few ales has been what’s gotten me out of the house for the past decade. Now it’s just gangs of kids out there who make comments about my disability. I just want a fucking pint, but that’s become too much to ask. Sigh.

I mentioned to my IAPT (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies) worker over the phone yesterday that I’ve been feeling morbid again. I should have known, from past experience, to just bottle that noise up as, of course, he had to cut our session short to go discuss what I’d told him with his supervisor. Now I’ve got a crisis team ringing me regularly to make sure I’m not swinging from my balcony. Maybe this means they’ll bump me up to a proper counsellor, rather than an admin bod who’s probably only been on a week-long mental health training course. Well, that’s a bit unfair, I’m sure they’re much more trained than that, but IAPT isn’t about them listening and giving advice so much as guiding you to help yourself. Basically, I think I need an actual psychologist, but we shall have to wait and see. I’m feeling a little better today so, when they ring later, I’ll try to get them off my back.

It was my old gaming buddy’s birthday the other day, so I bought him a bunch of stuff off his Amazon wish list. I spent over a hundred pounds. I didn’t think it was weird at the time, but now I’m regretting making such a grand gesture. I wasn’t trying to buy his affection or anything. I dunno, I guess I just wanted to say “thanks” to him for helping me stay sane the past few years. He’s been very appreciative about what he’s received, so I hope he leaves it at that and doesn’t feel under pressure to get back in touch. Silly me. I don’t like doing things out of obligation, so buying him all that stuff just because I wanted to felt pure and more honest than the usual reluctant gift-giving nightmare we all go through. Who knows where things will go now. I’ve probably made a fool out of myself, but that’s ok. It’s not my first time.

I’ve been watching King of the Hill in bed a lot this week. I’ve really gotten into it. I genuinely forgot how funny it was. I just wish I’d bought the boxset sooner. Oh well. While my favourite character, in terms of laughs, is Dale Gribble, my overall favourite character is Luanne. She’s so unashamedly herself that she’s a joy to watch. Her blissful approach to doing everything is so inspiring, and her modest dreams (she doesn’t want to be a movie star, she just wants to be the makeup artist to a movie star) make her even more relatable. She’s not perfect though, as sometimes she does get angry and vindictive over things (don't we all?), but that just makes her more human. None of us are perfect, whatever “perfect” even means. We’re just people, and Luanne feels more like a person than anyone else on the show. I wish I could share her sweetly-naïve lust for life and be just as passionate about the little things as she is.

RIP Brittany Murphy.

Well, I think I’ve come to the end of today’s incoherent rant. I’m sure I say this at the end of every post now but, well, by my next post I hope things in the news will have changed and I’ll have more interesting adventures to report. Shit gets pretty crazy in a suburban real ale pub on a weekday afternoon with a bunch of elderly people. Cuh-ray-zee!

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!