Party of one

So, yeah, I turned the big four-oh the other day. I still don’t feel like a responsible adult yet, probably because I don’t have kids, a job, a house with two garages and a dog, but whatever. I prefer cats, anyway. I didn’t do much on the day as, well, there isn’t much one can do for fun at the moment, in terms of socialising. I’m not quite sure what I would have done had all the pubs and restaurants been open. Probably not a great deal different. It’s not like I enjoy parties. Hmmm, maybe I’ll make up for it once July/August swings around. But, yes, basically I’ve stayed in all week drinking heavily alone. Not a great idea, I know. For my actual birthday I mostly spent the time feeling sorry for myself, which was as fun as it sounds. The youngest of my two older brothers called, who I spoke to for the first time in ten years a few months ago. Our chat this time felt a little more chilled, possibly because I felt so rough that I couldn’t be bothered to feel self-conscious about anything. Still, it felt nice to connect with an old friend. I should really call him more often.

I got a few nice cards from people, plus a couple of £40 gift cards. Get it? Glad they weren’t rubbing in my age or anything, lol. I’ve used them to buy a DVD/Blu-ray player, which I mentioned I was thinking about getting in my last post. My PS Plus membership runs out tomorrow so, once the standalone disc player arrives, I’ll probably unhook my PlayStation indefinitely. To be honest, I’ll probably go crazy after a few days but, more than anything, I’m just curious to see how I cope without it. It has become sort of a social crutch for me, but that side of it has pretty much ended anyway. Like when I shut down my social media accounts last year, I think I need to force some changes. The internet has become a means for making myself feel more and more lonely the past few years, and I’ve had enough.

I’ll still post here though, so don’t you worry about that.

My old gaming buddy finally came online last week, which was nice. We had a pleasant little catch-up while playing a few games but, so far, that seems to be about it. I think it’s been a week now since we talked. I have another gaming acquaintance who only agrees to talk to me once a week, so I’m not having another. If they want to get in touch, they know where to find me. I think the usual only-once-a-week guy does it as a power/control thing, which I don’t appreciate. I think he has even less going on in his life than I do, so you do start to wonder. Maybe I’m being hard on people and paranoid, but I need more certainty in life. I can’t sit around waiting for people to find time for me. To be fair, they shouldn’t have to but, I dunno, it always feels so easy when we talk. Why wouldn’t you want more of that? Sigh, I’m really trying my best not to sound like a clingy nutcase here, so that’s probably why I’m making these changes – not to be melodramatic and cause a scene, but to get my life moving. I always feel like I’m running out of time. Probably because I am. We all are.

I turned my phone off for half a day last week, mainly because I was feeling hungover and didn’t have the energy to speak to anyone. This brief radio silence caused my ex to go into full-on panic mode and she called both the police and the ambulance service. Her anxiety had led her to believe I had done something to myself. Luckily, I turned my phone on and spoke to her before anyone turned up and started breaking the door down. I was rather annoyed, as I now feel like I have to communicate with her or else she’ll call the emergency services. Talk about creating a scene! I was texting our mutual friend (the one who took her to hospital last week because of my ex’s very real suicide attempt) and we discussed our shared frustration at how my ex has been acting. I know my ex doesn’t mean to upset anyone, but when your actions start affecting those who love you then, well, it’s time to start taking control of your life. I'm hoping that that mutual friend and I can combine our energies to lend greater support. I'll been struggling to give advice on my own, especially with my own depression issues. I managed to sort out my major life crisis ten years ago when I realised how much it was hurting the people around me. If I can do it, then my ex surely can. I’ve said I’ll help out with anything she wants to do in order to get better, but I can’t do it all for her. She has a really nice, intelligent, proactive group of friends ready to lend a hand. I think she just needs a plan of action. We shall see.

I started my annual Amazon Prime 30-day free trial yesterday, so I’m checking out some of the free stuff to watch online. I started off by making my second attempt to get into the American version of The Office, an attempt which has been a lot more successful this time around. I’m not a big into farce/embarrassment humour (which is the heart of The Office) but, like the UK version, I’m finding enjoyment in the cute love story that’s on the periphery. Jim and Pam are so adorable. I’ve definitely fallen in love with John Krasinski. I might buy the DVD boxset eventually, but I wanted to make sure I liked it first. I didn’t want a repeat of the Community incident.

I’ve also started watching the LGBT-themed show Transparent. Actually, I watched the first episode literally right before I started typing this post. Erm, I don’t know why you needed that detail. Anyway, I found the first episode very moving. Jeffrey Tambor is just so utterly wonderful. I remember having an adverse reaction to him in The Larry Sanders Show when I was younger, mostly because of how badly I felt for his downtrodden character in that, but Arrested Development completely turned me around on The Tambor. I initially didn’t think I’d get on with Transparent as, well, all the characters seemed so obnoxious. I was all like “Is this a show glorifying yuppy LA hipster baby-boomers?! Yuck!” but, thankfully, I soon realised that that was the point of the show. Tambor’s character even laments at one point how selfish and shallow his offspring are. I was very relieved, and got to the end of the episode wanting more. While watching, I kept thinking that I recognised the actress who plays Tambor’s daughter Ali, then I discovered it was Gabby Hoffmann, who I totally thought was cool when I was a kid, probably after seeing her in Sleepless in Seattle. I don’t think I’ve seen her in anything since then, so it was nice to find out she was still working. I think I responded to the tomboyish vibe she gives off. Speaking of which, The Office’s very own Melora Harding seems to be in the main cast as well, and her character is pretty fabulous. That’s kinda how I wish I looked but, sadly, I couldn’t be further from it. I try to explain to people that I’m “a man who identifies as a woman who identifies as a man”, but it usually just confuses them. I know the character of Tammy isn’t a ftm transgender (at least, I don’t think she is), but I’m talking more about the look. So I think I’ll watch a couple more episodes of Transparent this evening before, maybe, settling on a film or something. It might be bedtime by then, but I didn’t get to sleep until about 5am this morning, which was frustrating, so I’m not sure when I’ll be ready for bed tonight There’s nothing more annoying than the dawn chorus when you still haven’t gotten to sleep yourself.

Speaking of sleep, while attempting it last night I kept myself entertained with some audiobooks, as I do. I’ve started on some new ones, mostly about people visiting foreign places. That wasn’t a theme I specifically went for, it just seemed to happen. Yesterday I began Emile Zola’s The Belly of Paris, which is read by the gorgeous (but sadly no longer with us) Frederick Davidson. It’s about late-19th century life around a Parisian marketplace, which I thought would be fun, and it’s turning out to be just that. I was worried it might get a bit dark at one point, but those moments are generally fleeting and incidental. I think it’s going for something more casual. Last week I started on Down and Out in Paris and London, by George Orwell, which was wonderfully boozy and debauched. I haven’t continued with it yet, but it remains on my unofficial “now reading” list. Last night I began Death in Venice, which is quite short, so I’m hoping to maybe have that finished tonight or tomorrow. For a relatively short book, Thomas Mann does witter on. I did manage to get to his first few encounters with the boy, so at least I’ve made it past the introductory chapters. They can sometimes be hard on the weak minded, like myself. I’ve also started A Moveable Feast, which I did get quite deep into on ebook many years ago, but I thought I’d start from the beginning on the audiobook format. I think it’s going to be fairly similar to Down and Out, but my assumption is that Ernest Hemingway and George Orwell have different enough writing styles that I’ll be kept entertained by both.

Oh, I did watch The Rise of Skywalker again, and I was still pleasantly entertained by it. It’s a shame they resorted to the now-cliched “blue laser shooting up into the sky” finale, but up until that point it feels a lot fresher than the first two Star Wars sequels. I’m still amazed by how annoyed I wasn’t at them shoehorning Lando Calrissian into the one, but I guess the charisma of Billy Dee Williams knows no bounds. At 83, he’s still got it going on.

Speaking of things rehashed from the 1980s, along with the DVD/Blu-ray player I also ordered the Blu-rays of the original Evil Dead films and the complete 1-3 set of Ash vs Evil Dead. I already have the films and first season of Ash on DVD, but I thought I’d upgrade. They are old copies, and sometimes the newer Blu-rays aren’t as censored, which was the case with earlier releases of films like Predator and Die Hard with a Vengeance. Maybe I’ll cram the lot into an all-day marathon, once they arrive. Hmmm, then again, that might take too long, especially with three seasons of a TV show. I’ll have a think.

Right, I think I’ve purged enough truth for one day. I best go back to my hobbies. Maybe I should start planning that belated birthday event too.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!