A boulevard of broken dreams

Feeling a bit teary-eyed this morning. This’ll be the second day without antidepressants at all, having gradually stepped-down from 100mg to 50mg over the past week. Now nothing. I might pop one if I get noticeable side-effects, but I’ve not had any so far. Just the one should calm any bad withdrawals.

I didn’t have any booze delivered yesterday, in the end. I was umming-and-arring about it all night on Thursday, eventually coming to the conclusion that I just didn’t fancy getting drunk. Seems logical. I’m slightly regretting that decision now though.

I don’t mean to blitz you all with posts this week, but it seems like a good coping mechanism. I’m getting a little fed up of stuffing my face, which is perhaps why I now fancy a drink. I’m not very good at sticking to routines. Improvisation is my mistress.

I’ve finally plucked up the courage to watch the film Boulevard, which is one of Robin Williams’ last films. I’ve had a DVD copy for years now, but I’ve just not felt strong enough to fire it up. I’m not even sure I’m strong enough this morning but, well, I guess I needed to watch a drama to see where my post-medication emotions sit. I watched E.T. yesterday and was crying my eyes out, which should have tipped me off to how I’d feel this morning. E.T. is a particularly distressing film though. It was definitely incorrectly marketed (or correctly, if Universal’s plan was just to make money) as a kids’ movie.

Is there such a thing as a “kids’ movie”?! I always assume such things are really for parents to help them feel safe and like good parents.

Anyway, Boulevard is certainly turning out to be a tear-jerker, which is fine, considering I’m crying already.

I keep imagining how I would have dealt with the situation if I was the one who’d found my ex passed away in her bed. I’m glad her doctor-friend found her instead. I’m sure she’s used to such things. I might write a story about how I had a dream the night before about my ex and I bumping into each other in town and trying to arrange a proper get-together. We never did manage to pin down a date and time. But, then again, she was never very good at freeing herself up for me. Maybe she felt like she didn’t have to. Oh well.

I’m not sure food is going to get me out of this state of mind. I’m not sure I even WANT to get out of it.

Sigh.

What a palaver.