Blood out, sleep in, hair off

Ok, so I think I’ve calmed down after yesterday’s antisocial rant. I’ve even come up with some more original ways to begin paragraphs.

So, anyway, I went for that blood test today which, apart from the pain, was fairly uneventful. The nurse did remember some random thing I said when I saw her three weeks ago, so I don’t know whether she’s in love with me or something. Regardless, I now need to keep a log of my blood pressure for a few days and hand it in at the surgery next week. Good grief. I’m pretty sure I was busier back in my working days.

After seeing the nurse, I bought a couple of wraps from the shop over the road and just headed home. I was out the flat and back in within an hour, which is pretty good going. One of the wraps was, apparently, “chicken tikka”, but I didn’t get the impression there was any meat in there. I guess it could have been a cheap chicken roll type of thing, but I’m now unsure and scared. I did think it was cheese at first but, after checking the wrapper, I was informed otherwise. Who knows. The other one was packed full of lamb, which I enjoyed very much. I’m glad they didn’t have the usual stock wrap fillings in that shop. They almost tasted homemade! I’m guessing they weren’t though.

Why two wraps, you ask?! I’m a fat fuck, that’s why. Get onboard, bitches.

Once I had consumed this vast, ethnic repast, I drifted off to sleep on my bed for about four hours. I don’t know whether this was due to the blood loss, or the fact that I’d originally gotten up and started my day around 3 am, but it was nice to finally have a large chunk of shut-eye.

Hey, that’s make a good band name!

“Good evening, Chicago! We are Chunk of Shut-Eye! Let’s ROCK!”

It’s good to have goals.

I’ve put a boozy grocery order in for tomorrow, so you’ll not hear from me for a few days. This is probably for the best. I’m switching over to Budweiser from Fosters at the moment, even though Budweiser cases are a few quid more. Fosters is just undrinkable to me nowadays. I’ve also slung in a bottle of that cheap supermarket whisky, which should take me out of it for a while. Let’s just hope I don’t leave the oven on all night like last time. I really should buy a microwave to stop these little accidents. I think I may be a little absent-minded at the moment anyway, as I noticed earlier that I’d left my guitar equipment turned on all night. I think the amplifier was off, but the pedals’ LED displays were definitely blinking.

I best go check my electricity meter.

Oh I managed to find this obscure kid’s movie from the 80s, which I believe my parents rented for us not long after it was made. It’s called The Peanut Butter Solution and you can find it in all its unrestored, low-res glory on YouTube. I hardly remembered anything about it, save for the title (which is the best title, let’s face it), its plot, and a particularly alarming jump scare. Well, scary for a 7 year old, that is. The film’s about a little boy who sees something in an abandoned house that makes all his hair fall out, and the rest of the film follows his attempts to grow it back. I don’t think the screenwriters had ever heard of alopecia, so they just came up with their own name for his condition. I’m sure people would be offended by all this nowadays and mob the producers on social media, but whatevs. Anyway, it’s a strangely compelling little film, with some surprisingly good performances from the young stars. Two of them, I suspect, would be coming out of the closet a few years later, as the main boy’s best friend has quite flamboyant body language, and his sister has a, shall we say, “butch energy” about her. So, yeah, give it a watch. Everybody involved seems to be enjoying themselves, which is nice, so there’s a uniquely chilled vibe to the whole thing. It is a Canadian production, so that might explain it. I think it probably spooked me back in the day because of the ambiguity to what the boy sees that makes his hair fall out. I’m still watching it back, so I don’t know what the twist is, but I remember that not knowing freaked me out.

I’ve also been making inappropriate “Do the curtains match the drapes?!” jokes all night, which is funnier when you take the bald kid’s age into consideration. I’m kinda glad nobody’s around to hear these comments, as I envision an awkward silence.

I suppose this is why my dark sense of humour keeps getting me into trouble.

Well, after my massive kitty nap earlier, I’m not entirely sure what time I should be going to bed tonight. At least I’ve got booze arriving in the morning so, should I be messed-up and sleep-deprived, I can drown my pain in liquor.

Again, it’s good to have goals.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

The One Where Jim Loses It

So I lasted less than 48 hours on that friendship app. I believe that’s a new record for me. Turns out there’s a paywall if you want to see who’s liked your profile and messaged you, plus I encountered one of those classic obnoxious profile bios that puts you off humanity altogether. The obnoxious user “kindly” asked that no cis-gender or heterosexual people contact them, which I’m pretty sure would be against the app’s T&Cs. A person certainly couldn’t get away with saying “NO trannies or queers”. So, yeah, I didn’t like the bait-and-switch tactic of a “free” app with hidden charges for crucial content. I must say, once I’d deleted my account and the app, I felt like a weight had been lifted.

Fuck ‘em.

So I’m back to where I was two days ago, only feeling much less anxious. Isn’t social media just the best?! HAHAHA. Which reminds me, one of the presenters of that astronomy podcast I watch said she’s being targeted by bullies on YouTube, which is awful. She’s such a sweet person. What’s wrong with people?! The internet seems to bring out the worst in people. It’s a dark day when I actually start preferring to speak to people in person, rather than over the web. We’re in the “Please Like and Subscribe Generation” now, where vain, shallow individuals aren’t on social media to socialise, they just want you to look at them and give them money.

Pathetic.

Oh, before I forget, please like this post and subscribe to my channel!!!!!!!!!!!

I’M SO DESPERATE FOR YOUR ATTENTION.

Anyway, moving on…

I thought my dad texted me out of the blue earlier, but it was just my dull brother. The conversation lasted four messages, wherein he made sure to remind me that it was his birthday next week. He’s nearly fifty. So that was fun.

I had a bacon sandwich for dinner, but I put too much bacon in it. I didn’t actually think that that was possible in a million years, but it kinda was. I may go back to buying pork loin steaks instead, which are way more succulent and not as salty.

Yes, I just said that out loud.

Speaking of pork, I had quite an animated masturbation session earlier. Toys were involved and everything. Odd really, as I really didn’t feel particularly amorous when I started looking up videos. It just went that way. An extreme wank takes a while to set up and take down, due to the cleaning involved, so I don’t do it very often. But this was great. I even made a very rare video of my orgasm to post on the site I usually frequent (don’t worry, I won’t post a link here). I’ve never liked filming myself doing such things, not being a natural exhibitionist, but sometimes it’s nice to give something back to a community I adore so much.

Sex is just the best.

If you don’t like it, please just leave those who do to their sticky business.

In other news, I downloaded a load of video games from my PlayStation library over the weekend, so I’ve been going through those this week to see if I missed a gem. I’ve generally not been impressed, remembering instantly why I deleted them from my console in the first place. I’ll keep scrolling through to see if there’s anything else interesting-looking though. I’ve amassed quite a collection, thanks to PS Plus.

They haven’t paid me to say that, don’t worry.

Can you imagine me getting sponsorship for this fucking thing?! That’s when you’ll know the world is coming to end. I remember years ago some cocky prick on Twitter asking for Patreon support for their blog. I just thought “Why do you need money to type a few words into the internet, which literally billions of people manage to do for free every minute of every day?!”. I didn’t say this to them, of course, but they still ended up randomly blocking me, so they never got my support. I’ll never know what I did to upset them. Exist, probably. My mere existence seems to offend people to their very core.

Oh well, fuck them too.

So, in a post where I’ve started sentences with the word “so” far too often, I’m really managing to show off my charming side, aren’t I? I guess this is me off antidepressants. I just can’t be bothered to be nice anymore. Perhaps I’ll feel a little more pro-society tomorrow, at least until I meet up with the nurse for my blood tests. Fingers crossed I get the pleasant one with decent bedside manners! Chances are I will not.

Do stay in touch, darlings, but only if who you are as a person is acceptable to me and if you have the money for a full membership to my botheration.

Toodles!

P.S. PLEASE LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE!

Not much dot com slash blah blah blah

I’ve just put dinner on. It’s quite a posh feast: a tin of chicken in white sauce and a tin of meatballs mixed together and served with rice. It’s one of my signature dishes. People come from all over the country, the world even, to sample it.

Yes, it’s that good.

In other lonely news, I’ve downloaded an app that’s apparently dedicated to friendship, not romance. It doesn’t look good so far, however, as it has that Tinder system of requiring you to swipe left or right, depending on how you think a user looks. FFS. It also says, in a condescending way, that “first impressions are important”. Well, they are for business meetings and dates you hope to end in sex, but I’m looking for long-term friends. If I can’t be honest about myself up front, then what’s the point?!

I’ll give it a go for a week, then most likely delete it.

I predict it’s going to be a looong week.

My old school friend finally got back in touch. Apparently his phone wasn’t telling him about new messages. Think I’ve heard that one before. Just say “I’ve not felt very sociable, but I’m still here!”. A bit of honesty goes a long way. At least there’s still somebody I can be obscene with. He’s a rare breed, nowadays. I’m guessing that’s why we became friends thirty-five hairless years ago.

The council still hasn’t called about the new boiler being installed. Maybe they’ve forgotten about me. Figures. Still, I’m in no rush.

I’ve got an appointment with the nurse on Wednesday, so brace yourselves for that rant. I’m guessing I’ll be getting drunk later on that day.

My cyclothymia has decided it’s had enough of East Asian indie bands, so I’m now having to find a musical genre that compliments the new rules my mental illness has laid out for me.

People on that app really don’t know what they’re in for, do they?

Right, I best go stir my Michelin Star-worthy dinner.

Do swipe to the right, darlings.

Toodles!

The Passion of the Jim

I’m feeling strange tonight. I had my weekly drinky-drinky session Wednesday and Thursday, which I should really be over by now, but I’m on quite the downer. I’m wondering whether I have a viral thing. I did feel like I had twinged my neck early on Wednesday, which is why I was keen to get boozing, but I think it may have been something else. I guess resorting to alcohol isn’t the best of ideas, illness recovery-speaking but, hey, at least I’ll be out of it mentally. Oh yeah, I forgot to say, I was considering getting drunk again now. Perhaps that’s why I’m writing this, to talk my way out of it.

I definitely feel like I’m on the event horizon of another meltdown.

My creative urges have completely abandoned me, and I don’t feel sociable at all. I know I was thinking about downloading Grindr for some company, but even that idea is fading away. I kept going through what my potential bio might be this time (as if people read the damn things), but it keeps coming up as cynical and unappealing: “Gentle, casual, easy-going nerd with a naughty sense of humour looking for fun and/or friendship. I’m not really into formal dating, preferring instead to nest, so feel free to come hang out with a bad movie and a bottle of wine or three. Prefer to accommodate, but that’s negotiable”.

Pretty dull, huh?

Personally, I’d offer to marry anyone with a bio like that. Sigh. Oh I give up. I wonder what the rent boy situation is around this estate. Probably quite good, I assume. Maybe I’ll catch something fatal so this tedium will finally end.

Anyway, I’m still texting that old school friend, although I think I may have tired him out. He does have a family and all that, which I hear is the most exhausting thing a person can possibly experience. Methinks a good way to promote contraception would be to show young people a fly-on-the-wall documentary following a single parent around for the day.

Apart from the above, I’ve not heard from anyone else. Although, to be fair, I’ve not tried to contact them either. I got the feeling my lesbo friend might have been starting to phase me out, so I’m going to leave the ball in her court. She lives so far away now anyway. Everybody left town or died. Why does everybody always leave me?

Well, that’s my bummed-out chorus for tonight.

No refunds or returns, folks.

Marigolds of love

I just got a bit of a fright.

I was sat in the dark with my noise-cancelling headphones on listening to music when, all of a sudden, it felt like the building was shaking. I quickly turned off my hot jams but, alas, the shaking had stopped. I think somebody in the building was banging on something. My current theory is that “The Whistler” downstairs has a new neighbour to the side who play loud music, so he’s started banging on their adjoining wall. Rather hypocritical of him, methinks, considering he whistles at the top of his voice all day and night. Maybe his neighbours were banging at him. Hmmm. Anyway, I missed whatever it was. I’m not expecting any visitors, so I can’t imagine it was my door. Plus it’s a bit late for courier deliveries, if it was that crowdfunding perk that’s supposed to arrive this week.

Anyway, this week I’ve been browsing for East Asian indie bands to listen to, which was what I was rocking out to in the first place. So far, I’ve discovered Negoto, Akai Ko-En (or Akaiko-En), and Regal Lily. I can’t understand the lyrics, of course, but the playing, production, and melodies are all far more skilled than what you’d experience in the west. Akai is a kooky, avante-garde girl-group that mixes odd asides with unique melodies. They’re like Captain Beefheart with boobs and… erm… sushi.

Is that racist? It wasn’t meant to be.

Sexist too? Again… not meant to be.

Sigh, it’s exhausting expressing yourself these days! I should really turn off the comments section below, just in case the wrong person stumbles across this blog and decides to mob me. I’m not emotionally strong enough to defend myself against such reactionary hatred!

So, yeah, I’m loving trawling through band recommendations on Spotify and creating playlists, at the moment. There’s a (Pacific) ocean of uncharted talent out there, just waiting for me to find! You know, in between scrubbing bogs and such.

I’ve been texting rude stuff to my old school friend this evening. He appreciates what I send him, and I enjoy turning him on. We’re clearly a good match. He straight and married, but I’m working on that. Still, I’m sure I’ll manage to mess things up eventually, so stay tuned for that eventual upsetting rant. He’s the last of the last of the last of all my contacts right now. Maybe it’s best if he phases me out too.

I’m no good for anybody.

Oh, I finally got round to cleaning my bathroom earlier. This may not sound like a big deal, but it was. It’s strange seeing white, shiny surfaces in there again, I must say. Nice too, of course. It takes me about an hour to do, but feels so much shorter. Why I don’t do it more often, I cannot say. It’ll be a stress off my mind for a while though. It had been eating way at me for some time. I also took a load of recycling down to the wheelie bins, so I can now get to my front door without having to shuffle things around.

My home is a health and safety black spot.

I managed to get about an hour’s nap in after lunch, so I’m slowly catching up on sleep. My brain really doesn’t seem to want to slip into unconsciousness. Heaven knows why. It’s not like I’m not sleepy. In fact, I’m often so sleepy that I’m on the verge of tears. Know that feeling? Not sleep deprivation, per se, just sooooo naturally sleepy that it hurts.

Well, that’s all for now. I just felt like dropping by after that little scare.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Windy city blues

I’ve just found out there’s now a James Bond-themed game show on television, which may well be a sign of the end times. While I felt it important enough to raise in this opening paragraph, I believe the above is really all I have to say on the matter.

Moving on…

Friday or Saturday’s booze delivery took forever to arrive. I bought it through Tesco’s “Whoosh” within-an-hour service, but they kept sneaking the delivery window back and back until it was three hours later. My preliminary buzz was wearing off by that point. I think they just hire local taxi drivers to go to a Tesco Metro and pick shit up for you, as this asshole even refused to get out of his car. I was actually assertive for a change and said “No, I don’t live out in the street, plus you’re three hours late!”. He sighed and, after two more phone calls between his car and my building, he finally handed over the good stuff.

Lest it be said, it was not a happy place I found myself in for the rest of the evening.

Anyway, I’ve now sobered-up and finding myself fighting insomnia, which is, as always, just the worst. I think I’ve had about two hours sleep over the past twenty-four hours. I was even reluctant to type this, but I felt like saying something. I’m not sure what’s causing this spell of extreme sleeplessness, but I’m hoping to ride it out soon.

That tenant downstairs with the dog is still causing bother. “Angry Game Boy” next door came out in the stairwell and shouted down to him to shut up while I was dealing with my weekly grocery delivery. The very sweet and professional standard delivery dude looked very awkward.

The person from the council came out today to survey my old boiler, in preparation for installation of a new one. Apparently I’m going to get a call at some point to organise the installation, but that didn’t happen today. They need to build a scaffolding up to my flat and everything. Sigh. That really is gonna be a looong day! I’ll be sure to plan in advance and buy the booze in ahead of time.

I’ve just tried swapping out one guitar amplifier for another one under my knew music nook layout. It all went smoothly. I think I will be able to fit another five-slot guitar rack in there, so I’ll order that this week at some point.

The weather was very extreme today. It sounded like hurricane-force winds out there! I don’t think this helped “Angry Game Boy”s attempts to find peace and quiet. I actually expected him to stick his head out the window and start shouting at the sky to shut up. I genuinely think he has done this in the past, bless ‘im.

What I wouldn’t give to have that up all in my business.

Speaking of which, my sex drive has been quite high of late. I’ve not risked having anyone over or done any extreme masturbation, but rude stuff has been on my mind a fair amount. Maybe I’ll download Grindr and see what’s what. I just get a little depressed when I see all the good-looking guys in my area and think “What chance do I have?!”. I’ll probably just download the app and only check messages I get. I daren’t put my heart on the line by approaching people. Maybe “Angry Game Boy” will be on there.

Chance would be a fine thing, huh?

Well, I think that’s all for now. I just thought I’d chime in with more tales of morbid isolation.

Au revoir, mes enfants!

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!