Well I’m feeling a little better today. I stuck to staying in bed last night and managed to drift off in the end. I’ve started to wonder whether my sleeplessness is down to just having the same things on my iPod for too long, so last night and this morning I’ve begun adding new songs.
I took some more Night Nurse capsules last night and they seemed to space me out quite nicely. My girlfriend says she’s on her period again so I think that’s why she’s been acting a bit funny recently. I was worried it was just my lack of medication.
I’ve got to fill out an application form before I go away for my college assessment. I’m still not sure whether I want to go or not. Things are so up in there air here in Sheffield that I’m thinking that maybe it would be a good idea to get away for a while… before things come crashing down again.
I’m glad the autumn weather has set in. There’s something so comforting about the cold. I hope it doesn’t snow though, I’m not a big fan of that extreme.
We’re still rehearsing for the open mic session in a couple of weeks. I think I’ve narrowed the list of songs down. My girlfriend is working a lot of nights this week so I’m worried we won’t get enough practice in. At this rate it might just be me signing. Sorry, Sheffield.
I fancy a kebab, anybody got one?
Friday, 22 October 2010
Thursday, 21 October 2010
Down down down
I’ve not been sleeping properly for the past few days. I’ve not been up to date with my anti-depressant medication so I am concerned this is the reason I’m having difficult sleeping patterns. My mood is lowering and I’m finding it hard to cope with things again. I took some Night Nurse capsules last night before bed in the hope that they would make me drowsy enough to sleep. I’ve got some things in the post this morning which are hard to get to grips with. I really feel awful and feel like crying. I’m not sure how to cope and there’s nobody to call. My girlfriend won’t be home till about 10pm tonight as she’s working all day. I feel rotten. Really empty and worried.
Wednesday, 20 October 2010
Cheaper than the real thing
I almost ran out of medication last week so I started taking a reduced dosage to eek them out. Now I’ve completely ran out and starting to feel a bit low. I’ve called the surgery and a doctor’s going to ring me back to sort out a prescription. I hope things work out.
My girlfriend and I are negotiating a time slot for an open mic gig in the centre of town in a couple of weeks. She has to work in the morning so we won’t get there till sort of mid afternoon. We’re trying to rehearse as we need to. Fingers crossed we’re tight by the time the date swings around.
Last week we went to Scarborough on holiday. It was fairly uneventful but that’s just what we both needed. There was some tension before we left over home security, but once we got on the road we forgot about it. I bought some vinyl records and a model replica of a Gibson ES-335 which is just beautiful. It’s only little, but I do like looking at it.
Cheaper than the real thing, anyway.
We might go back to Scarborough within a year as we really like going. I just wish my girlfriend got used to winding down as she gets so stressed when she has a few days off.
I’ve put on a little weight again due to illness and holidays, but I’m hoping to be back on track with my daily exercises. We shall see.
I’ve tried writing lyrics for three new songs and need to go over them again today to see if they are any good. I’m a bit frightened. They’re probably crap, but then again the songs I’ve poured over for years seem crap to me now, so go figure.
My girlfriend is at the dentist and will probably be back soon. I’m waiting for my medication call back. The pets seem ok, I think they’re glad to be home after being looked at by friends while we were on holiday.
Right, must crack on.
My girlfriend and I are negotiating a time slot for an open mic gig in the centre of town in a couple of weeks. She has to work in the morning so we won’t get there till sort of mid afternoon. We’re trying to rehearse as we need to. Fingers crossed we’re tight by the time the date swings around.
Last week we went to Scarborough on holiday. It was fairly uneventful but that’s just what we both needed. There was some tension before we left over home security, but once we got on the road we forgot about it. I bought some vinyl records and a model replica of a Gibson ES-335 which is just beautiful. It’s only little, but I do like looking at it.
Cheaper than the real thing, anyway.
We might go back to Scarborough within a year as we really like going. I just wish my girlfriend got used to winding down as she gets so stressed when she has a few days off.
I’ve put on a little weight again due to illness and holidays, but I’m hoping to be back on track with my daily exercises. We shall see.
I’ve tried writing lyrics for three new songs and need to go over them again today to see if they are any good. I’m a bit frightened. They’re probably crap, but then again the songs I’ve poured over for years seem crap to me now, so go figure.
My girlfriend is at the dentist and will probably be back soon. I’m waiting for my medication call back. The pets seem ok, I think they’re glad to be home after being looked at by friends while we were on holiday.
Right, must crack on.
Saturday, 9 October 2010
Just pillow talk?
I got a little upset last night as my girlfriend spent most of the evening making comments about me not loving her anymore and wanting to find someone else. She hid them in a cartoon delivery that wasn’t meant to be taken seriously, but it still upset me. Later on in bed she said that I wasn’t as affectionate as I used to be, or as loving and that she is only an “auxiliary” girlfriend to me, that I’m going out with her out of desperation or something.
If that’s how she views our relationship then I’m very hurt. We’ve had discussions like that in bed before and it’s upset me but she’s never seemed to take responsibility for the hurt she’s caused. Almost as if it’s ok to have such confrontational and argumentative chats.
I’m not sure whether to let it go or not. It seemed very cruel.
I had a call yesterday from college giving me a date for my assessment, so I’ll spend a couple of days there in November by the sounds of it. I also tried getting my CV changed with the job advice place to help me get this call-centre job that sounds like something I can do.
It looks like I’m facing a dilemma but the first few paragraphs of this post seem to make the outcome pretty clear.
I’ll see how the next week/month goes.
If that’s how she views our relationship then I’m very hurt. We’ve had discussions like that in bed before and it’s upset me but she’s never seemed to take responsibility for the hurt she’s caused. Almost as if it’s ok to have such confrontational and argumentative chats.
I’m not sure whether to let it go or not. It seemed very cruel.
I had a call yesterday from college giving me a date for my assessment, so I’ll spend a couple of days there in November by the sounds of it. I also tried getting my CV changed with the job advice place to help me get this call-centre job that sounds like something I can do.
It looks like I’m facing a dilemma but the first few paragraphs of this post seem to make the outcome pretty clear.
I’ll see how the next week/month goes.
Thursday, 7 October 2010
Stillness. It’s quite eerie.
I went to the debt advice guy yesterday and he gave me more help and support. He seems to understand that the reason I’ve got into this mess is because of my tendency to procrastinate and hide from my problems due to depression. He’s very good at just getting things moving. I always walk away feeling positive and supported. I don’t feel helpless, I don’t feel alone.
I also had my first appointment for counselling yesterday but it got cancelled at the last minute. I wish I could have gone, I think it’s getting to the stage again where I need to talk things through with somebody.
We washed the pets yesterday, which was fun. The guinea pig and rabbit seemed to enjoy themselves and are a bit happier now that they’re looking all shiny and pampered. The rabbit especially liked it… but then again she is a bit of a tart, lol.
My girlfriend went out to the theatre last night with a friend and I stayed in watching Wes Anderson films. I was a bit let down by Rushmore, but I’ll watch it again just to make sure. The Darjeeling Limited is just a joy, I highly recommend it.
My girlfriend is making great efforts to stay in touch with friends and go out more with them, my only concern is that this might be at the detriment of our relationship. I like spending time with my girlfriend and want to do things with her, but every time we plan to go out she cancels at the last minute. This means we get to have lots of good “quiet time” at home together, but I’d still like to get out. I tend to get cabin fever fairly easy. It doesn’t help that she’s at work all day and I’m at home, so when we do finally meet up in the evening and at weekends we sort of want different things. I want to get out and she wants to veg on the sofa.
I’ve been thinking about writing again and have been combining old ideas together that have been floating around in my head for years. They’ve never really got to the page because they’ve never had the fuel in them to push them down to my fingertips… but hopefully now that they’ve all become part of a bigger story I’ll get writing.
I’m starting to feel less confident about myself and I’m not sure the anti-depressants are working quite as well as they were. I’m feeling quite isolated again and lethargic. I wonder what’s happening in my mind. Maybe I just need a holiday.
I don’t know if my girlfriend and I are drifting apart or not. I just think we want too much of the same thing at the moment: to make friends and move our lives forward. The problem is that these things don’t always involve spending much adventurous time together. I do keep making suggestions for going out and doing things, though, so at least I make the effort. I just think sometimes my girlfriend pushes certain ideas and projects too far too quickly and burns herself out. This might happen with the thing with her friends. I try to remind her of my theory of the “lost childhood friend” which involves the notion that as adults we’re all looking for friends who can give up as much time for us as our childhood friends. But when we’re older we have more commitments and want to spend more time by ourselves. We will never have friends like the ones we had when we were children who had nothing but time for us. The only way we can recapture this amount of attention is with a partner, which I’m happy with. It’s just my girlfriend seems intent on going elsewhere for this. Maybe it will change, I don’t know.
Sometimes I think I sound like a pretentious idiot and wonder if she gets tired of my voice. I try to keep some things in my head but she always asks for my thoughts and advice. I hear myself talking and find my words ridiculous and wonder why she doesn’t roll her eyes every time I speak. I am a bit of a twat, I’ll grant you that.
Anyway, I must make some calls…
I also had my first appointment for counselling yesterday but it got cancelled at the last minute. I wish I could have gone, I think it’s getting to the stage again where I need to talk things through with somebody.
We washed the pets yesterday, which was fun. The guinea pig and rabbit seemed to enjoy themselves and are a bit happier now that they’re looking all shiny and pampered. The rabbit especially liked it… but then again she is a bit of a tart, lol.
My girlfriend went out to the theatre last night with a friend and I stayed in watching Wes Anderson films. I was a bit let down by Rushmore, but I’ll watch it again just to make sure. The Darjeeling Limited is just a joy, I highly recommend it.
My girlfriend is making great efforts to stay in touch with friends and go out more with them, my only concern is that this might be at the detriment of our relationship. I like spending time with my girlfriend and want to do things with her, but every time we plan to go out she cancels at the last minute. This means we get to have lots of good “quiet time” at home together, but I’d still like to get out. I tend to get cabin fever fairly easy. It doesn’t help that she’s at work all day and I’m at home, so when we do finally meet up in the evening and at weekends we sort of want different things. I want to get out and she wants to veg on the sofa.
I’ve been thinking about writing again and have been combining old ideas together that have been floating around in my head for years. They’ve never really got to the page because they’ve never had the fuel in them to push them down to my fingertips… but hopefully now that they’ve all become part of a bigger story I’ll get writing.
I’m starting to feel less confident about myself and I’m not sure the anti-depressants are working quite as well as they were. I’m feeling quite isolated again and lethargic. I wonder what’s happening in my mind. Maybe I just need a holiday.
I don’t know if my girlfriend and I are drifting apart or not. I just think we want too much of the same thing at the moment: to make friends and move our lives forward. The problem is that these things don’t always involve spending much adventurous time together. I do keep making suggestions for going out and doing things, though, so at least I make the effort. I just think sometimes my girlfriend pushes certain ideas and projects too far too quickly and burns herself out. This might happen with the thing with her friends. I try to remind her of my theory of the “lost childhood friend” which involves the notion that as adults we’re all looking for friends who can give up as much time for us as our childhood friends. But when we’re older we have more commitments and want to spend more time by ourselves. We will never have friends like the ones we had when we were children who had nothing but time for us. The only way we can recapture this amount of attention is with a partner, which I’m happy with. It’s just my girlfriend seems intent on going elsewhere for this. Maybe it will change, I don’t know.
Sometimes I think I sound like a pretentious idiot and wonder if she gets tired of my voice. I try to keep some things in my head but she always asks for my thoughts and advice. I hear myself talking and find my words ridiculous and wonder why she doesn’t roll her eyes every time I speak. I am a bit of a twat, I’ll grant you that.
Anyway, I must make some calls…
Monday, 4 October 2010
Doom?
What a waste of a weekend.
The weather was bad so it was more of a temptation to stay in. We ate mostly takeaways each day and only left the house to go to the local shop.
We had an argument yesterday over my girlfriend’s anxiety about going away on holiday and her getting into an awkward situation with our housemate whilst negotiating the housemate looking after the house for a week.
Ridiculous.
More trouble has been caused and I feel more stressed.
I ended up going out for a walk last night and buying a Chinese takeaway to clear the air and cheer us both up. The mood hardly changed though. I sometimes wonder why I bother to do nice things.
I told my girlfriend that I don’t want her to cause problems with our housemate again like last year because that’s why I left in December… because she couldn’t handle her and I was stuck watching her being manipulated and harassed but unable to do anything about it due to the house ownership situation.
I hope I get my college placement as I am worried things will ditereate around here fairly soon. I’m glad I’m staying off the booze, but my temptation is up. I just need to keep eating to treat myself.
I am worried that this week will be a nightmare and we’ll end up cancelling the holiday. If that happens then I think I’ll admit defeat and go away to college and say my goodbyes.
I can’t live under this oppression forever.
I wish I felt more inspired in life. At the moment I just don’t feel much like doing anything at all. I should write more songs and stories, but I just don’t feel moved to. I need to get exercise as I’m fast putting on weight again.
I hope I don’t end up dreading weekends as that seems to be the time my girlfriend stressed out the most. She can’t seem to handle time off, even in the evenings. Most people are happy to leave work and get home so that they can chill out, but she seems to fall into a pit of despair and misery.
Maybe things will get better once the autumn and winter sets in… maybe they’ll get worse.
Who knows.
The weather was bad so it was more of a temptation to stay in. We ate mostly takeaways each day and only left the house to go to the local shop.
We had an argument yesterday over my girlfriend’s anxiety about going away on holiday and her getting into an awkward situation with our housemate whilst negotiating the housemate looking after the house for a week.
Ridiculous.
More trouble has been caused and I feel more stressed.
I ended up going out for a walk last night and buying a Chinese takeaway to clear the air and cheer us both up. The mood hardly changed though. I sometimes wonder why I bother to do nice things.
I told my girlfriend that I don’t want her to cause problems with our housemate again like last year because that’s why I left in December… because she couldn’t handle her and I was stuck watching her being manipulated and harassed but unable to do anything about it due to the house ownership situation.
I hope I get my college placement as I am worried things will ditereate around here fairly soon. I’m glad I’m staying off the booze, but my temptation is up. I just need to keep eating to treat myself.
I am worried that this week will be a nightmare and we’ll end up cancelling the holiday. If that happens then I think I’ll admit defeat and go away to college and say my goodbyes.
I can’t live under this oppression forever.
I wish I felt more inspired in life. At the moment I just don’t feel much like doing anything at all. I should write more songs and stories, but I just don’t feel moved to. I need to get exercise as I’m fast putting on weight again.
I hope I don’t end up dreading weekends as that seems to be the time my girlfriend stressed out the most. She can’t seem to handle time off, even in the evenings. Most people are happy to leave work and get home so that they can chill out, but she seems to fall into a pit of despair and misery.
Maybe things will get better once the autumn and winter sets in… maybe they’ll get worse.
Who knows.
Friday, 1 October 2010
Ears, careers and weather fears
It’s raining today, pretty hard, so I’m not looking forward to going out in it.
My girlfriend has a job interview today so I’ve got my supportive hat on. I hope she gets it, she deserves something new.
My ear is finally unblocking, which is a relief. It really was affecting my mind and making me bad tempered. Thank goodness I can start thinking straight.
As much as I can normally, that is.
I’ve been procrastinating a bit lately due to ill health. I’ve been putting things off when really I shouldn’t. But it’s hard when you just feel like crap constantly.
The handyman is in putting locks on the bedroom doors for when we go away. We don’t want our housemate rummaging through our stuff… and we know she does and will
I’m getting a little further with applying to go to college through the job centre but I’m still not 100% sure I want to go. It’ll mean being away from my girlfriend for a long time and I’m not convinced either of us want to go through that again. A local support agency have found me an interesting job and are helping me apply. I’m keeping quiet about it at home until I hear something firm about it though.
You never know.
My girlfriend will be coming home soon to get ready for her interview. With any luck the handyman will have finished by the time she’s ready to go so we can go into town together and I can be there for her.
I wonder how the day will turn out.
My girlfriend has a job interview today so I’ve got my supportive hat on. I hope she gets it, she deserves something new.
My ear is finally unblocking, which is a relief. It really was affecting my mind and making me bad tempered. Thank goodness I can start thinking straight.
As much as I can normally, that is.
I’ve been procrastinating a bit lately due to ill health. I’ve been putting things off when really I shouldn’t. But it’s hard when you just feel like crap constantly.
The handyman is in putting locks on the bedroom doors for when we go away. We don’t want our housemate rummaging through our stuff… and we know she does and will
I’m getting a little further with applying to go to college through the job centre but I’m still not 100% sure I want to go. It’ll mean being away from my girlfriend for a long time and I’m not convinced either of us want to go through that again. A local support agency have found me an interesting job and are helping me apply. I’m keeping quiet about it at home until I hear something firm about it though.
You never know.
My girlfriend will be coming home soon to get ready for her interview. With any luck the handyman will have finished by the time she’s ready to go so we can go into town together and I can be there for her.
I wonder how the day will turn out.
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