Stillness. It’s quite eerie.

I went to the debt advice guy yesterday and he gave me more help and support. He seems to understand that the reason I’ve got into this mess is because of my tendency to procrastinate and hide from my problems due to depression. He’s very good at just getting things moving. I always walk away feeling positive and supported. I don’t feel helpless, I don’t feel alone.

I also had my first appointment for counselling yesterday but it got cancelled at the last minute. I wish I could have gone, I think it’s getting to the stage again where I need to talk things through with somebody.

We washed the pets yesterday, which was fun. The guinea pig and rabbit seemed to enjoy themselves and are a bit happier now that they’re looking all shiny and pampered. The rabbit especially liked it… but then again she is a bit of a tart, lol.

My girlfriend went out to the theatre last night with a friend and I stayed in watching Wes Anderson films. I was a bit let down by Rushmore, but I’ll watch it again just to make sure. The Darjeeling Limited is just a joy, I highly recommend it.

My girlfriend is making great efforts to stay in touch with friends and go out more with them, my only concern is that this might be at the detriment of our relationship. I like spending time with my girlfriend and want to do things with her, but every time we plan to go out she cancels at the last minute. This means we get to have lots of good “quiet time” at home together, but I’d still like to get out. I tend to get cabin fever fairly easy. It doesn’t help that she’s at work all day and I’m at home, so when we do finally meet up in the evening and at weekends we sort of want different things. I want to get out and she wants to veg on the sofa.

I’ve been thinking about writing again and have been combining old ideas together that have been floating around in my head for years. They’ve never really got to the page because they’ve never had the fuel in them to push them down to my fingertips… but hopefully now that they’ve all become part of a bigger story I’ll get writing.

I’m starting to feel less confident about myself and I’m not sure the anti-depressants are working quite as well as they were. I’m feeling quite isolated again and lethargic. I wonder what’s happening in my mind. Maybe I just need a holiday.

I don’t know if my girlfriend and I are drifting apart or not. I just think we want too much of the same thing at the moment: to make friends and move our lives forward. The problem is that these things don’t always involve spending much adventurous time together. I do keep making suggestions for going out and doing things, though, so at least I make the effort. I just think sometimes my girlfriend pushes certain ideas and projects too far too quickly and burns herself out. This might happen with the thing with her friends. I try to remind her of my theory of the “lost childhood friend” which involves the notion that as adults we’re all looking for friends who can give up as much time for us as our childhood friends. But when we’re older we have more commitments and want to spend more time by ourselves. We will never have friends like the ones we had when we were children who had nothing but time for us. The only way we can recapture this amount of attention is with a partner, which I’m happy with. It’s just my girlfriend seems intent on going elsewhere for this. Maybe it will change, I don’t know.

Sometimes I think I sound like a pretentious idiot and wonder if she gets tired of my voice. I try to keep some things in my head but she always asks for my thoughts and advice. I hear myself talking and find my words ridiculous and wonder why she doesn’t roll her eyes every time I speak. I am a bit of a twat, I’ll grant you that.

Anyway, I must make some calls…