Little Miss Negativity

I’d like to say that my mood has improved since I’ve been home this week but, alas, it has remained in descent. My mission here has been to look after my girlfriend as she comes off her antidepressants and part of the brief was to cope with her mood swings, periods of despair, negativity and outbursts of temper. It’s not been fun. She was awake at 2am last night crying and I had to try to comfort her. When you suffer from depression too it’s hard to be positive and bring someone else out of it. I’m managing though… I think. I enjoy these pockets of quiet when I can collect my thoughts and regroup my strength for when the battle starts up again. I only hope this is the final wave of the comedown and not how she will always be without the tablets… I’ve only known her whilst she’s been on medication.

We’re meeting up with friends tomorrow and doing some things together next week so I hope that that will brighten her up a bit. She needs to get away and look at her life from a different perspective. Hopefully she’ll realise that things aren’t quite as bad as she thinks. Who knows.

I’ve not felt much inspired by other things this week. I looked around a music shop and started getting interested in the recording and mixing equipment. There was a small-ish mixing desk for about £400 in the shop window and, as I looked at it, there was a familiarity to the set-up which proves that I’m learning something at college.

I’m still not looking forward to going back to college but then again being cooped up here with Little Miss Negativity is bringing me down quite dramatically. At least college will feel less claustrophobic and be the lesser of two evils.

Sigh.

That sinking feeling

I’ve still not heard back from my tutor regarding my decision to stay at home this week. Either he’s auctioned my email but not bothered to reply or he’s not read it and people around the college are wondering where I am. I don’t seem to have any messages on my mobile phone though, so I’m assuming the former has happened.

I might ring an old friend today who did the same course ten years ago and get his advice. I really do feel disenchanted at the moment and am not looking forward to going back to college on Sunday at all. At least my girlfriend will be travelling over with me.

I might go into town this week and look at music equipment to see if anything seems familiar. Maybe I’ve learnt more than I realise. Who knows. At least I’m developing an interest in music equipment beyond guitars.

I feel a little lost.

This is the first time in ages that I’ve wanted to lose myself in booze. I could quite happily go to the pub now and stay there until they have to carry me out. That wouldn’t be fair on my girlfriend though. I might “treat” myself to a bottle of wine tonight, but that might turn out to be the slippery slope.

I should start writing and get a story underway. Why can’t I get cracking on something? It’s all there in my head… it just won’t move down to my fingertips.

I guess I’m a failure and an utter waste of space. If I was meant to achieve something I suppose I would have done it by now. But I haven’t. I’ve just wasted hours and days and months and years. And do you know what? I let it happen willingly. I’m just a lazy armchair artist who hasn’t got the courage of his conviction. I can talk the talk… I just can’t walk the walk :(

Decreasing motivation in the face of apathy

Well the last week and a half at college has been a mixed bag of wasted time and false starts. Our tutors keep cancelling lessons in favour of menial tasks involving college promotion whilst my attempts to start my own music project have been hampered by my own lack of confidence as a performer. I think it’s safe to say that, without the other non-music lessons to keep me going, coming back to college this term would have been pretty pointless.

My girlfriend has been coming off her antidepressants recently and seems to be struggling at home and in work. I’ve sent an email to my college tutor explaining that I need to be at home and that I will not be returning to college today… I just don’t think being away from home at the moment is worth it. Also I need to investigate into work experience for college so maybe I’ll do that if I get a chance this week.

There was an incident on Thursday night which has gotten me a little concerned and unsettled. After a late night in the student bar I returned to my room and ordered a takeaway food delivery. About half an hour later the dorm warden rang me very angrily explaining that my food had arrived and that I wasn’t to expect her to tell me about it. After I picked up my order I texted the warden and asked to discuss what just happened as I didn’t think her attitude was particularly fair. This proved an error as the following conversation descended into an argument and ended up with me hanging up. The situation wasn’t helped by me being rather drunk and downhearted, however the warden seemed to antagonise me further and be acting very unreasonably. I’m not sure whether to complain about the incident or not as my judgement and viewpoint is very hampered by my poor memory of what happened. Oh well, we shall see if anything is mentioned when I return next week.

I’m glad to be home for a little while longer and I’m really looking forward to finishing college for good. The warnings I’d received from previous students on the music course have turned out to be correct: it’s a waste of time and I’ll walk away feeling bitter and used. At the very least it’s given me guidance for what I might want to do in the future… unfortunately the path I choose will have to involve a lot of self-tuition.

I wanted this six months away from home to be worth it and it’s slowly turning out not to be. Cheers guys. Much appreciate :(

Back out west

Well I’m back at college. I’m trying to work on my own music project in the hope that it will force me to learn something. The lecturers seem keen to set me on something productive so everybody’s happy. I just hope I have the confidence to work on music I’ve written myself and be able to master the studio equipment.

It’s weird trying to work on my music in public away from my home comfort zone. I don’t know why I get shy about it as I’ve recorded in front of friends and relatives before and it never bothers me. I don’t know why college staff/students are so different. I think it’s just me that’s different, not them.

I’m slowly adjusting to being back in halls of residence again but I’m attempting to keep a low profile this term. I’m not going to go out drinking on “school nights” anymore and will try and get the most out of being here in an academic sense.

I’m also going back to my old work diet: no breakfast; no lunch; and whatever turns up at dinner. I’m not checking the college menu obsessively like I was last term which was making me hungry. I’ve stocked up on healthy-ish snacks in my room which should stop me ordering takeaways and loading up on sandwiches in the canteen.

I had a good counselling session today and I think I was able to explain my fears and concerns concisely. I always worry that I won’t make sense, but I guess that’s the whole point of going... to try and make sense of all my confused thoughts and feelings.

I keep forgetting to look for a new external dvd drive for my laptop as my current/old one is on it’s last legs and takes ages to get going. Sigh. All I do out of hours here is watch dvds, so I could do with a better one. Fingers crossed I can get a cheap one that’s still better than my knackered one.

The weather is very erratic at the moment and it’s hard to know how to dress from one minute to the next. You can go for a sunny walk in shorts and a t-shirt and come back soaking wet. Weird.

Righty, must go watch Friends... (on dvd of course... slowly lol)