That sinking feeling

I’ve still not heard back from my tutor regarding my decision to stay at home this week. Either he’s auctioned my email but not bothered to reply or he’s not read it and people around the college are wondering where I am. I don’t seem to have any messages on my mobile phone though, so I’m assuming the former has happened.

I might ring an old friend today who did the same course ten years ago and get his advice. I really do feel disenchanted at the moment and am not looking forward to going back to college on Sunday at all. At least my girlfriend will be travelling over with me.

I might go into town this week and look at music equipment to see if anything seems familiar. Maybe I’ve learnt more than I realise. Who knows. At least I’m developing an interest in music equipment beyond guitars.

I feel a little lost.

This is the first time in ages that I’ve wanted to lose myself in booze. I could quite happily go to the pub now and stay there until they have to carry me out. That wouldn’t be fair on my girlfriend though. I might “treat” myself to a bottle of wine tonight, but that might turn out to be the slippery slope.

I should start writing and get a story underway. Why can’t I get cracking on something? It’s all there in my head… it just won’t move down to my fingertips.

I guess I’m a failure and an utter waste of space. If I was meant to achieve something I suppose I would have done it by now. But I haven’t. I’ve just wasted hours and days and months and years. And do you know what? I let it happen willingly. I’m just a lazy armchair artist who hasn’t got the courage of his conviction. I can talk the talk… I just can’t walk the walk :(