Agony, ecstasy and egotism

It has just gone half past four in the morning as I write this first line. I’ve entered yet another unbalanced sleep pattern, which I am now trying to correct. A few late lie-ins due to alcoholic over-indulgence is usually the cause of this, and is certainly responsible this time. I got up at three in the afternoon yesterday, and my intention is to stay awake until as late as possible today. Sigh. Getting through these nocturnal periods is always an endurance test; however, I’m actually not that fussed about it this time as, to be honest, there’s nothing to get up for anymore. By the sounds of it, we’re approaching another lockdown so, hey, who cares whether it’s day or night anymore?! What’s out there to experience? Nothing.

My drinking increased a couple of weeks ago due to severe neck and back pains. The cause of these pains remained a mystery for almost a month, which were constant and left me nearly in tears morning, noon and night. Just to distract myself from the pain, it became standard practice just to get drunk until I passed out which, since I have nowhere to go and nothing to do, was quite easy. I have, I believe, discovered the root of the problem, which is my crappy council-issued bed. So far, the simple act of lying on it without pillows has allowed the pains to recede. I am very, very pleased by this turn of events. I could not live in such agony for much longer. A side-effect of my pain-induced emotional exhaustion (and subsequent liquid overconsumption) meant that I missed a week of my antidepressants, which caused some very ugly side-effects indeed. Thankfully, I managed to wander around to the chemist on Monday (or Tuesday, I’m still not sure), and get myself back on the medication wagon. Hurrah! I am feeling nearly human again, both mentally and physically. Relatively speaking, of course.

At the height of my withdrawal side-effects and boozing early last week, I did send some emotional texts about my family and friends to my ex. I can’t remember what I said, but it’s led me to want to keep my phones switched off ever since. My dad has tried to call me, but I’ve not answered. I assured them (just before my communications blackout) that I was recovering, so I hope I will be left alone. My ex, who also suffers from depression and knows the nasty side-effects of antidepressant withdrawal, will hopefully understand what I’m going through and respect my desire for privacy.

Well, as I’ve been feeling better this week, I’ve begun streaming video gameplay footage live on YouTube (with my verbal commentary/ramblings). I’ve been considering doings so for a while now, but never had the full confidence to do so. I think the effort I was putting into editing and posting short highlight clips, and the lack of views I was getting in return, forced me to want to try something else. I have no idea why I am striving for views, as such a thing usually leads to unwanted negative attention. I’ll probably just make all my videos private again soon, just to avoid trolls. I’ve mainly just had spam comments posted under my videos up until now, which is just tiring, to be honest. I’ve even had a couple of spam posts here, which is odd. That’s never happened before. I guess it's more disheartening than annoying.

My old gaming buddy is going through some standard life changes at the moment, so I’m guessing I won’t be hearing from or gaming with him for some time. It’s been sporadic this year, anyway. I’ve generally taken myself off the social, erm, radar altogether, apart from my streaming. Whatever one is to do in order to maintain close friendships in this life I am, well, at a loss to know. I truly believe I will be fossilised within these damned four walls. Alas!

So, what’s next? I have no idea. What scraps of dreams and ambition I may have had before are, like everything else right now, on permanent hold. I rise. I wash. I sit. I consume. I sleep. The echoes of invisible neighbours whisper through the dusty curtains. The curtains remain drawn. The whispers remain faint.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Strange notions/dark potions

Golly, it’s been a while! I’ve sat down, over the past month and a half, to write some words on my recent goings-on, but I’ve just not had any creative energy. I can’t say anything out of the ordinary has happened, although something may spring to mind as I type. Who knows.

My mood has generally been good, although I have had a few low spells. The last couple of days have been quite bad but, as always, I am at a loss to know why. Being clinically depressed, you do start to wonder what the trigger has been. I don’t think there has been one this time.

I’ve had long spells of not drinking alcohol, then periods of debauchery, with the after-effects being severe enough to make me stay sober for a while. I’m such a fool.

Even though I did try to stop gaming, due to my old gaming buddy no longer able to hook up (which did affect me), I’ve been immersing myself in Rainbow Six: Siege, which I’m finally getting sort-of good at. Over the past couple of weeks, my old gaming buddy has managed to say hello, and we’ve had a few nice catch-up sessions. They usually provide some fun clips to post on YouTube. Here's one:

The weather has suddenly turned wet today, after a few weeks of intense heat and milder days. I’m wondering whether we’re now venturing into autumn. I’m glad the summer wasn’t too prolonged. Perhaps we’ll get a very snowy winter. I guess being snowed in won’t make much of a difference this year.

I was thinking of ringing up my regular pub and asking for advice about me making a return. Being visually impaired, I’m unable to read signs or often tell how close I am to people, so I was hoping they would talk me through the protocol for venturing into their establishment. I might do that today, actually. I hope a member of staff I know answers, as that would make discussing my concerns a lot easier.

I’ve bought quite a few new DVDs/Blu-rays lately, but have struggled to concentrate on anything until the end. I did manage to finish All the Money in the World which, for a latter Ridley Scott film, is shockingly good. I would highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys a good suspense-thriller. While I have no interest in the gossipy-drama surrounding the film’s production, or even desire to engage in the grotesque trial by media/hearsay that seems grimly popular at the moment, I would say that Christopher Plummer was a much better choice of actor in the roll of J. Paul Getty. Regardless of any other factors, which are, frankly, none of my business, I just can’t imagine Kevin Spacey in that role at all.

I also finally sat down to watch Toy Story 4, which I had low expectations for. It’s a solid film, but it does tiresomely tread the same path as the last two films. I stick by my theory that 1-2 compliment each other wonderfully, and 3 is a fine soft-reboot. If you’ve seen the first two, then you don’t need to see the third, and vice versa. Like the, apparently, tear-jerking ending to 3, I was thoroughly unmoved by Woody’s exit from the series in 4. Perhaps I’ll do some serious soul-searching and write a Whittling Post essay on why, but I don’t feel emotionally strong enough for that right now.

I have some deliveries arriving today, one from Amazon and one from the supermarket. The former is just some stuff for around the house, including a new toaster and a towel set, while the latter is just some groceries. I’ve ordered some booze, as I’m really struggling with this low mood attack. Not that booze will help, of course, but it might at least shock my system into feeling something, well, different.

I may head over to my ex’s for a few days at the weekend (apparently it’s a Bank Holiday), although I’m not sure if that’s a good idea. I’ll decide later in the week.

Well, I hope this has all made sense, and that you are all faring better that I.

Finger’s crossed my mental state will improve soon. This is rather unpleasant.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

On the edge of night

I’ve had a suspiciously upbeat week, which may very well be breaking finally. Maybe it’s because I haven’t drank in nearly a month, but I have felt more positive, and even my gaming has been improving. But, yes, in the last twenty-four hours, I’ve felt a little low again, so I’m concerned I’m about to crash.

My week has mostly been spent playing Rainbow Six: Siege multiplayer, which I used to only be able to play either drunk or with a “wing-man” AKA my old gaming buddy, so it’s quite shocking that I’ve felt brave enough to enter the often-unfriendly arena of multiplayer gaming by myself. I have turned the game’s party chat volume down, and changed my privacy settings so I can’t receive messages from people I haven’t friended on PSN, so that’s blocked the usual verbal abuse I get from people (and my fear of it), and I think my confidence has increased as a result. There have been a few incidents that have upset me though, but their impact usually fades after a good night’s sleep. Here’s an example of some of the unpleasant people you can encounter:



I’d literally just met that guy and already he was being awful to me. I had hardly said anything, and that’s what I got. You can tell he’s a classic school bully type, abusing others just so he can impress his mates. Sigh.

My sleep pattern has generally been back on track and healthy, with me regularly waking up around ten in the morning. That’s the perfect time for me. I did get up after only five hours sleep on Saturday, but I really needed to go out to pick up my antidepressants and purchase a gas meter top-up. I’ve been without hot water for a few weeks, as I lost my top-up card. Well, after I went out to the shop, I managed to stay awake until ten that evening, thus tiring myself out with a seventeen hour day. Needless to say, it didn’t take me long to drift off to sleep that night. In fact, I was so out of it by the end of the day that I forgot to add to my creative writing project, which I’ve managed to stick to my “write something, even if it’s just a paragraph, a day” rule.

The weather was getting me down, as it just didn’t seem to want to stop raining, which is odd for July. Apparently, we’re due a heatwave this week, which I’m not looking forward to. Oh well, I’m sure it’ll be autumn soon enough. Never has a year gone so quickly as this one, I guess because we’ve hardly had anything to do. While life seems slow in the moment, days without incident do tend to fly by. If you cram your time with experiences, each day can feel like a lifetime. In a good way. 2020 has just been an agonising river of nothing.

My regular pub is finally opening back up but, after a perusal of the new guidelines they’ve published that customers have to abide by, I think I’ll hold off paying them a visit until this is all over for good. I was very downhearted. They’re not even opening in the afternoon during the week, which is when I prefer to go. I’d have thought that that would be the best time to test this all out, given how quiet it is during that period. It’s usually just single, middle-aged dudes like me who frequent the establishment, so why they want to start off with times where groups of people usually go is beyond me. There’s nowt so queer as folk. I was so disappointed by the new guidelines that I put in an order for a case of beer form that independent brewery I I’ve found during these quiet months. I think I’m about to take a break from sobriety. My sudden dip in mood certainly seems to be beckoning for a drink. You know, because alcohol really helps depression.

Oh, wait, I meant the other thing.

Anyway, yes, due to submerging myself back into gaming, the days have flown by. Shockingly so. I’ve not watched any new films as a result. Even my Planet of the Apes season has taken a backseat. I was only a few episodes into the TV series when I stopped. It was a pretty good run though, for me. I’m sure I’ll pick up where I left off soon enough.

I’m still working my way through the core first three seasons of Arrested Development which, when I’m in the right mood, is an absolute joy. I’ve even been trying to get my old gaming buddy into it, as I managed to get him addicted to Parks & Recreation. I think I’ve started annoying him though, so I’ve stopped my hard-sell tactic. I’ll forever be jealous of Ellen DeGeneres for bagging the truly wonderful Portia de Rossi. I can imagine even gay guys and straight women fall for her. She’s just that awesome.

So, yeah, that’s about it, culture-wise. No new films. No new books. No new music. Just sinking into pointless gaming. It’ll just be another one of my phases though, so I’m sure I’ll be back enthusing over new stuff soon enough. Never fear!

My old gaming buddy managed to get a television sorted, so he’s been back online. We’ve had a couple of chats, which has been nice. Here's one of my favourite moments from our recent sessions:



Mainly we’ve been texting though. I think he actually flirted with me the other day, which took me by surprise. I was describing the manager of my local chemist who I have a crush on, and my old gaming buddy was all like “Oh, that sounds like me!”, in a coquettish sort of way. I’ll try not to read too much into it, but it’s the first time that’s happened. Maybe he’d had a large bang on the head earlier that day. Who knows.

Well, folks, I think I’ll call it a day here. I’m sure I’ll post again once I’m back at the bottom of a bottle, where I belong. Fun, fun, fun.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

June, July and JETPACKS!

My mood and general interest in doing stuff has improved over the last week, which is a relief. It definitely must have just been one of my “fun” little mental phases that has now run its course. In fact, I’ve been so active with my hobbies that I’ve not gotten drunk in about two weeks. Impressive, huh? I’m sure there’s no connection. None at all. Not one.

Anyway…

So, yes, I’ve managed to stick to my creative writing, having added some strict discipline to the process. I now write a chapter each night before bed (my most creative period), even if that chapter is just a paragraph explaining the general goings on, which will, inevitably, be fleshed-out in further drafts. Sometimes I surprise myself and write about a page, including dialogue, which is encouraging. I’m not putting any pressure on myself, which is what usually kills my motivation. The aim is just to get the bare-bones of a first draft written, with the basic series of core events outlined. Who knows, maybe I’ll have a novel written by the end of the year. Stranger things have happened.

I’ve also been listening to a bit more music, although nothing too new. I’ve gotten back into Arcade Fire, even though their second album comes with some emotional baggage (due to my circumstances when it was released back in 2007). I’m sticking to their first three albums, as Reflektor and Everything Now appear to represent a dip in quality. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten to the end of Reflektor, actually. It’s kind of depressing that Win Butler is the same age as me. He’s definitely achieved slightly more than I have, in the same amount of time. Oh well.

I finished watching the recent Planet of the Apes prequels, which was a wonderful experience. As I mentioned in my last post, movies about animals are not my favourite, which is why I’ve been putting off watching these, but I’m glad I finally bit the bullet. The second film, Dawn, is possibly the best, but War has a wonderful musical score and some great moments. It just feels a little aimless. It was fun having Woody Harrelson play the villain, even though he’s a very difficult man to hate. I wasn’t convinced I’d believe in his character, due to Woody’s likeability, but he worked hard enough to convince me of his dastardliness. Was he drunk at the end, or had he succumbed to the de-evolving virus? I wasn’t sure. I still think Caesar should have given him the doll, and not the gun, but whatevs. Steve Zahn was great as Bad Ape. Zahn was last on my list of actors I thought was doing the voice, so it was a nice surprise to find out that it was him. I always think Zahn is more famous than he actually is, which is a shame. I didn’t recognise much in his filmography. He seems like a nice guy. Fame seems pretty awful anyway, to be honest. So, as you can probably tell, I have a lot to say about War, even though Dawn is the better film. I’d recommend watching the whole trilogy. I actually found myself missing James Franco from the first film, which I didn’t think was physically possible. Life is full of surprises! Well, I’m now onto the short-lived 70s TV series, which is amiably naff. Roddy McDowell is superb though, and seems to be keeping the whole thing afloat. It’s apparently set before the Charlton Heston film, even though I think it’s actually after. I genuinely believe they just got the dates wrong. Fact-checking movie trivia wasn’t quite as easy back in the 70s as it is now but, even if it is wrong, it’s all I have to go by. There are only fourteen episode, of which I’m watching one a night. It’s actually quite a nice way to wind down before moving through to the bedroom.

I seem to be gaming a lot more at the moment, but it’s still nice having the standalone DVD/Blu-ray player for when I just want to switch off from the social aspect of modern gaming. I just bought a jetpack in GTA Online. Go me! My old gaming buddy still hasn’t gotten a new TV sorted, but we’re in daily textual contact. I’ve offered to buy him a new one, but he’s agreed to seek other options first. I’m fine with buying him one as, well, there’s nothing else to spend my money on at the moment (besides food and bills, of course).

I went for a walk on Friday to post my repeat prescription at the GP surgery, which seemed to be open again. Well, there were a lot more cars in the parking lot than there have been since March, but I’m not sure whether patients are allowed in yet. Apparently, this weekend is when hospitality business are allowed to reopen but, as I mentioned last week, my regular pub won’t be opening its doors until the lockdown easing guidelines are less restrictive. That first pint on my return will be a glorious thing indeed. I’ll be sure to take a picture.

I think I’m going to try to get out for a walk every day now, as my fitness level is perilously low. I have nowhere to aim for on my walk, so I’ll just do a circular plod to the nearby shops and back. Keep it simple. Any further and I’ll start having to deal with hills, which I’ll need to work up to. Everywhere in Sheffield is either uphill or downhill. It’s a thing.

I’ve started watching Arrested Development in bed at night, which I think is also helping to improve my mood. It’s such a funny show, and I’m glad it was short-lived. Long-running sitcoms in America just become depressing after a while. The first run of three seasons was just right. I’m not even going to bother with anything that came after.

That woman who works at my regular pub has gotten back in touch. She stopped texting me after we went for our friendly walk a few months ago, so I was worried I’d said something off but, no, apparently she’s just been stressed with some personal stuff. I’m glad, as she’s a very sweet person, and there always seems to be a nice vibe between us when we sporadically bump into each other at the pub. It’d be nice if a stronger bond develops, but I’m trying not to get my hopes up just yet. I probably will though. You know what I’m like.

Right, I best go practice my jetpack flying to impress nobody with. I’ll let you know if my current sobriety has ended in my next post. I haven’t stopped drinking as a rule, I think I just got bored of feeling like crap every day. Seems fair.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Invasion of the Eyes of the Planet of the...

…oh I don’t know.

My low period of disinterest persists, which I’ve unwisely tried to “cure” with alcohol. I’m going to have to stop that though. I’m getting through each day in relatively good spirits, but having hope taken away from you by what’s happening in the news does, indeed, make it difficult to get out of bed in the morning. It sounds like my regular pub won’t be opening next week like many others, as the guidelines set out for hospitality services are too restrictive. Sigh. I wanted one thing.

I've done a little creative writing this week, which I always seem to run out of inspiration for. It's so frustrating. I know I have a novel or three in me, but my ever-changing mental state is such a handicap. What I started the other day is a fairly low-key drama, so maybe that'll be easy to stick too. I just need to make sure I write something each day, even if it's a paragraph. Self-discipline seems to be the key, but the one thing I'm lacking.

I’m talking more to my old gaming buddy, which is boosting my spirits, although he now says his TV’s died, which may just be a polite way of avoiding me. But that’s ok. I’m sure I’m just being paranoid, as we’re in text communication most days. I told those new gaming acquaintances that it’s best we don’t chat anymore, as our age difference has made me rather uneasy. I thought it wise to stick to people in my own age bracket. It’s a shame, as they’re a nice bunch and a good laugh, so making that decision depressed me for a few days. It’s definitely for the best though.

Apart from that, things have been pretty quiet. The bad weather has kept people indoors, so my street has been party free, thank goodness. Text communication with friends has been sporadic and brief, but enough to keep me buoyant. The only regular contact I seem to be having is with grocery or takeaway delivery people. Maybe I should ring a sex chat line just for a gossip. No kinky talk, just a friendly chin-wag. Maybe somebody’s already set something like that up – a lockdown chat line. Who knows. It’d be great if people were using hook-up apps like Grindr to meet up and stand within six feet of each other. No touching or nudity, just close proximity. At the moment that would be considered kinky.

I’ve not been reading much, but I have been buying in new DVD/Blu-rays to broaden my movie knowledge. This included Irvin Kershner’s The Eyes of Laura Mars, starring the fabulous Faye Dunaway. It’s a Hitchcockian thriller about a photographer who psychically sees through the eyes of a murderer as the murderer commits their crimes. It’s an entertaining film, but I just kept thinking how much better it would be if it was directed by Brian De Palma. Afterwards, I watched Dressed to Kill and sighed deeply at how wonderful it was. Kershner’s work on The Empire Strikes Back and Robocop 2 was fantastic but, yes, De Palma would have been more appropriate for Laura Mars. I actually guessed who the killer was early on, as they mention that the only people to have seen the crime scene photographs were the police. That kinda gave it away. Still, it’s worth watching, but a little more visual flare would have gone a long way. Oh, the late Raul Julia has a small role in it too, which automatically makes the whole thing better than 99% of other movies out there. Damn I miss that man.

I’ve decided to have a big ape binge for some reason, so I’ve invested in the 9-disc Planet of the Apes film boxset (which includes the recent reboot/prequel trilogy) and the short-lived 70s TV series. Apart from Franklin J. Schaffner’s 1968 original and Tim Burton’s blah remake, I’ve not seen any of these films. Actually, along with prison dramas and gangster biopics, films about animals generally count as one of my least favourite genres. I always make an exception for Schaffner though, including his great prison drama Papillon. So, yeah, I watched Rise of the Planet of the Apes yesterday, which I really enjoyed. I did watch the first half an hour of it years and years ago, but the laboratory stuff at the beginning annoyed me. It’s such an unrealistically fictitious environment, and nobody talks like I’m sure real pharmaceutical laboratory people talk. It’s a very silly place. But, no fear, after we move away from those opening scenes and James Franco takes Caesar home, things improve drastically. Why isn’t John Lithgow just in every movie ever made? Wouldn’t that make the world a much better place? I guess he’d get pretty tired after a while though, like that Treehouse of Horror episode of The Simpsons where Krusty’s forced to be on television 24/7. Anyway, I’ll be watching Dawn of the Planet of the Apes later on today, which I hear is very good.

I also bought Philip Kaufman’s version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, which actually seems to have inspired Shaun of the Dead more than Dawn of the Dead did. It’s a marvellously creepy film with great sound editing, and everybody’s wonderful in it. I was trying to work out who Brooke Adams reminded me of while I was watching it, then it came to me… Dredd’s very own Judge Anderson – Olivia Thirlby! It’s almost uncanny, like Jessica Harper and Ellen Page. But, yes, I’m glad I now have Kaufman’s film in my collection, as I remember catching it on telly probably when I was a teenager and loving it. Now it’s mine. Forever! Mwahahahaha! I shall include it in my collection of films featuring Veronica Cartwright screaming a lot. It’s quite a large collection, as you can imagine. She’s one of my all-time favourite people.

I finally got around to watching the LGBT drama Carol on Sunday, which I wasn’t too impressed with. Everybody, both cast and crew, are trying their asses off, except for the dull-as-a-plank-of-wood Rooney Mara. She’s so tragically miscast. Her character should have been bright eyed and full of youthful energy, invigorating Cate Blanchett’s titular Carol during her difficult divorce but, no, she’s a blank slate. There’s one scene where she shows some passion and it really stands out. Not because it’s good, but because it seems like such an effort for her. I’m not sure who I would have cast, but she brings the whole thing down, which showed when I realised I just didn’t care whether she and Carol got together at the end. You really should be rooting for your star-crossed lovers. But I didn’t. What a shame.

Well, I think that’s all for now. I best go watch talking apes having crazy adventures in the post-apocalypse. If you can think of something better to do, I’d like to hear it.

You can’t, can you? Didn’t think so.

Do stay in touch, you damned dirty apes.

Toodles!

Shrouded in blah

I’m feeling rather apathetic this week. Not depressed, per se, just lacking interest in doing, well, anything. This is rather worrying, especially for someone with such an eclectic range of hobbies such as myself. Maybe I should try picking up one of my guitars. I need to trim my nails first. Last night I just went and laid on my bed from around seven and stayed there until I fell asleep. I had hoped that, at some point, I’d have a second wind and get back up again but, nope, I remained in bed for twelve hours straight. Not bad going, for me. Lying there was nice, actually, as there was a major rain shower and thunderstorm, which are always nice to snuggle up to. There seemed to be a lot of people out and about, which is unusual for British people in wet weather. A bit of rain has been known to stop riots in London. Anyway, I had The Mysterious Cities of Gold to keep me company. I think I’m on the last episode now. Or second to last. The introduction of the alien-like Olmec characters is very bizarre, but that’s fine. I might try watching the new series again, as I’ve only gotten a few episodes in until now. My appreciation of the original 80s series is based more on nostalgia, I think. And, perhaps, the performance of the actor Shiraz Adam, who plays Esteban. He’s very energetic and endearing. Somebody actually managed to track him down recently and did an interview with him. It’s a frustratingly short interview (one wonders whether the interviewer doesn’t care much for the series), but it’s nice to know “Esteban” is still out there and doing well for himself.

I’m trying to think what else I’ve been up to. Even my brain seems to have given up on being interested in remembering things. Sigh. Oh yeah, I picked up my medication last week after finally getting my sleep pattern back on track. It’s been raining on and off for quite a while now, but the summer warmth is still in the air so, erm, you can imagine what that’s doing to the humidity levels. Luckily for me, humidity is my least favourite type of weather, so I’ve now got even more of an excuse not to go outside. Seriously, poop could be raining from the sky, but I'd still be all like "Well, at least it's not humid".

On that note...

I texted my ex yesterday, as we haven’t spoken much since all that drama last month. It sounds like she’s still off work and in touch with a crisis team. I’ve been keeping in touch with that mutual friend of ours, with whom I agree that there’s nothing much we can do for my ex right now (especially since we’re prone to depression ourselves). We’re still here if she needs help, but we can’t solve her problems for her.

There’s been no change regarding my gaming situation. I’m still appearing offline whenever I do switch on the PS4. My despondency has affected even playing the solo games I enjoy, so I think my new standalone DVD player is about to get a good workout. My old gaming buddy did text me over the weekend about some random stuff, but the conversation was pretty brief. At least he’s not annoyed with me because of my flirtatious behaviour the other week.

I cooked a nice curry the other night, which was an event because I used pork instead of beef, chicken or lamb. Shocking revelation, huh? I was looking into the history of the vindaloo, which is derived from a Portuguese dish called “Carne de vinha d'alhos”. The curry version often mistakes the “aloo” part of “vindaloo” as meaning “potato”, but it actually comes from the word “d’alhos” in the Portuguese name, which means “garlic” (with “vinha” meaning “wine”). Carne de vinha d'alhos sounds more like a sharing dish that’s served at Christmas, where you marinate some pork in white wine, garlic and chillies and serve it relatively dry with bread, which is very different from the Anglicised version of vindaloo, which is a sauce-based dish. I basically made something somewhere in between these two versions, by frying off the pork, then making a curry sauce out of red wine, garlic and chopped tomatoes. Along with this, I also added my usual vegetables and spices, but it’ll take a while to list all of those. It was very nice, I must say, and I’m now sold on using pork in curries. It just never occurred to me, before. If I do the dish again, I may use white wine instead, as I think that’s what the original Portuguese dish uses.

Oh, those nineteenth century Shakespeare books arrived, and I was very impressed. Their condition Is wonderful, relative to their age. The covers are slightly different to the one I’ve had for years, but I’m wondering whether it’s an extra layer that was removed from mine. I’ll have a play about. Still, it’s nice to have them altogether. It’s just a shame the one I’ve had for years is in such poor condition. Oh well. I also can't read any of these books now, thanks to my deteriorating eyesight, but that's another story.

I think I’m going to take a break from The Office, as my interest is starting to waver a bit. I’ve just started season four, and was a little let down by how uneventful it was when Jim and Pam finally got together. They kinda messed that one up. All the actors are starting to look a bit bored now. I know that’s the point of the show, but they really are. It’s a shame Rashida Jones left (I'll just pretend Karen Filippelli changed her name to "Ann Perkins", moved to Pawnee and became a nurse) and they kept that horrid Ed Helms guy. They’ve really pared his involvement down though, to the point where he now says about two lines per episode. No bad thing.

I bought the Blu-ray set of Stanley Kubrick’s key works. This is the third time I’ve bought them now – the first was the Region 1 set (back when Kubrick was refusing to release A Clockwork Orange in the UK), and then the Region 2 set, which also included Eyes Wide Shut and the A Life in Pictures documentary. This Blu-ray set omits Dr Strangelove, which is a shame, but it’s nice to have new copies. Those two older DVD sets are about twenty years old now too, and Warner Bros were pretty negligent with their early DVD releases, in my experience.

It sounds like the fourth of July might very well be the day the pubs open back up, which I’m really looking forward to. Pub culture is an integral part of British culture, so taking that out of everyone’s lives has had a bigger effect than has been let on in the news. Hopefully the humidity will have dissipated by then. The valley where I live has been shrouded in fog for a week now, which is only adding to my sense of isolation.

Well, I think I’ll leave things on that positive note. I hope you fine people are faring better than myself. Maybe by my next post my motivation will have returned. We shall see. I have enjoyed writing this though, so that’s something.

Do stay in touch, droogs.

Toodles!

Thirty hours' sleep later...

So, yeah, I’m currently asleep during the day and waking up about four in the afternoon. The last time it got this bad was over Christmas, which made the winter shutdown even worse. Anyway, I managed to stay awake for twenty-four hours over Monday and Tuesday, which was impressive. I even managed to get out to my GP surgery to post my repeat prescription, which I think the sleep deprivation actually helped (my social anxiety has been getting worse the longer I’ve stayed in). Well, after I got home, I had a few beers to keep me awake a little longer and then… wait for it… I went to bed for the next thirty hours. As you can imagine, this has only made the sleep situation worse. Or just the same. Either way, it’s not helped. I got up for my shower at ten this evening. Sigh. So, what next? Well, I’ve got a grocery order coming in nine hours, so I’ll probably be still up for that. I need to go pick up my medication on Friday, so hopefully I’ll be back on track by then. I’m not sure. Maybe I should just ring the chemist and get them to delivery. I’ll have a think.

I best move on, as I realise talking about one’s broken sleep pattern isn’t the most interesting thing in the world. It does start to consume your whole existence after a while though. Alas! Being in bed for so long has left me quite weak, as I’m shaking uncontrollably at the moment. I’m hoping it’ll wear off soon. I had a sausage sandwich twelve hours ago, so maybe it’s an energy thing. I’m not sure.

As mentioned above, my ability to go outside has diminished a lot. It’s a psychological thing. I know we’ve been told to stay in recently but, if you’re prone to social anxiety anyway, then this has all just added to it. I’ve only been out twice in the past month, and that’s just been to take my refuse down to the wheelie bins. The pubs can’t open back up soon enough.

Oh, yeah, regarding my last post, I did get a little flirty with my old gaming buddy last week. It was, like, two in the morning and we both couldn’t sleep so were texting each other. He kept asking me if I was alright, which kinda felt like a “green light”, so I tried to make the conversation more intimate, but he wasn’t interested. I assumed that’d be the last I heard from him, but we have exchanged the odd message since. I think I might delete him from my contacts to discourage me from doing the same again. I don’t want to pester anyone.

I’ve still been playing some games on my PS4 since lettering my online subscription slide, but I’ve kept myself appearing offline. If I’ve wanted to watch a DVD, then I’ve used the new standalone player (so I’m not tempted by any notifications on the console). It’s been a good way of weening myself off. Actually, I did get drunk and pay for an extra month’s subscription one night when I was feeling lonesome, but I’ve not activated the auto-renewal. I’m such a fool.

I’m now onto Season 3 of The Office. The addition of the character Andy nearly broke me, as he was just too obnoxious. I know he’s supposed to be obnoxious, but he really was, and not in a fun way. I think the producers realised that too and sent him off to anger management. Based on the actor’s IMDb page, he does make a return. Fingers crossed, by then, they’ll have figured out the character’s issues. We shall see. I was really pleased to see Rashida Jones pop up as a regular. I wasn’t expecting that. She’s so great in Parks & Recreation, which is what I know her from the most. I hope her role in The Office doesn’t sour me to Ann Perkins. I supremely doubt it though.

I bought the third version of Oliver Stone’s Alexander on Prime Video the other day. This is the “Revisited” cut. The longest one. It was meant to keep me up while I was trying to nudge my sleep pattern along, but I started to struggle halfway through. It is one of the most unintentionally funny films you’ll ever watch, and apparently it doesn’t matter which version you watch. The comedy is buried deep, deep, deep down in the production. I think it will genuinely become a much loved “so bad it’s good” classic. The problems? Oh, just everything, from the casting to the direction to the cinematography to the writing to the music to the wigs to the awkward homoeroticism. Just everything. It’s amazing.

I’ve had, since the 1990s, a very old volume of Shakespeare’s historical plays. I found it in a second hand bookshop on the Isle of Man while the family and I were on holiday there. I remember the shop had just opened and the eccentric owner was trying to cope with sorting out all the books by himself. He said he was looking for an assistant, which was tempting, but I had a college course to go back to. And nowhere to stay in the Isle of Man, of course. Anyway, I’ve always wondered where the two missing volumes (the comedies and tragedies) were then, the other day, I found someone selling them on eBay. Amazing! I doubt they’re from the same set, but I just couldn’t say “no”, especially at the price of £30. These editions were published about a hundred and fifty years ago and are wonderfully illustrated. My copy of the historical plays is in a terrible state (the front and back hardcover boards have come off completely), but I still love it. If the two that turn up in the post are in even a slightly better condition than mine, then it’ll have been more than worth it. I can’t wait to take the reunion photo!

Righty, I best go back to my daily dose of The Office. The shaking hasn’t subsided yet, so typing this hasn’t been very easy.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Working my way around the clock

Just a quick one.

My sleep pattern is totally messed-up again, so I've forced myself to stay awake since 4pm yesterday. It's now 4pm today. I'm not sure what "real" is anymore.

The beer is helping.

Anyway, I'm worried some overtly-flertatious text messages last week to my old gaming buddy has officially put a stop to that friendship. Not that there was much left to it anyway. Think that's why I did it.

Well, I hope when I post next I'll be back around to a normal, sane, less tortuous existence with slightly more to say than "help!".

It's all good.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Deaf by dawn

I’m feeling a little lonesome today, so I thought I might drop by for a quick gossip.

My multiplayer gaming membership has expired at last, so I’m currently adjusting to it no longer being a social crutch. I’m not feeling much of a difference. Yet. That standalone DVD/Blu-ray player arrived, so I can now watch films without even being tempted to solo-game quite so much. It’ll be nice to keep the two separate. I’ve been concerned that gaming has been too good of a procrastination tool for me, to the extent that other hobbies and key chores around the house aren’t being done. Well, they definitely aren’t being done, but I was beginning to wonder whether lazy/passive gaming was part of the problem. I did get some stuff done today (instead of lounging in my armchair catatonically button-mashing the PS4 controller), so that’s something. It wasn’t a lot, just breaking down empty delivery boxes and creating space on a shelf in my bedroom to store film/TV boxsets. Simple tasks, but doing them made a difference and helped me to feel better about myself. Now I just need to haul all that cardboard down to the recycling bins.

Pain. In. The. Arse.

Oh well.

Rather embarrassingly, I had so many empty boxes piling up in the living room that I had failed to notice four unopened cans of beer sitting in one. Score! So I’ve just had those with my dinner. It felt like a nice little reward for my “hard work”. Still, I would have preferred to have found them on my birthday when I needed them, but hey-ho.

I made a simple curry yesterday out of some sausages that were going out of date. They were quite fancy pork, apple & black pudding ones too. I cut them up into little coin-shaped meatballs with the kitchen scissors and fried them, before adding in some leftover onions and chillies from the Chinese takeaway I had the other day (I carefully ate just the beancurd out of a “Salt & Pepper Tofu” dish, saving the veg for use later). I then added the usual chopped toms, peas and spices. It turned out to be a really hot one, so much so that I was genuinely concerned it may have been inedible. But it wasn’t. I downed that mofo over two days. It’s not my first time. I had it with some brown rice, which made a change from basmati, of which I’ve been working my way through a 4kg sack. It was the only quantity they had.

The ex sent a quick text the other day, but our conversation was very brief. I didn’t want to encourage a deep discussion. I’m really not capable of that right now. I’m finding it too hard to stay afloat (emotionally speaking) myself. I’ll check in at the weekend.

One of my aunts sent me a quick “hello” email, which was nice. I wasn’t even too sure she was still alive, as I had heard she was very ill a while ago. She’s also in her late 70s/early 80s. Around the time that I heard she wasn’t well, she ominously went quiet on social media and I was too afraid to ask anyone how she was. I don’t know why. Maybe it was just something I couldn’t face. If the worst had happened, that is. She’s a really fun person, who always reminds me of a Julie Walters creation. A proper Merseyside eccentric. I hope she stays around for many years to come.

Two of the women who live in this long block of three sets of six flats decided to have a private conversation outside last night. The only thing was, it was 3am and they were at opposite ends of the building. This didn’t stop them though. Oh no. They just shouted to each other for half an hour. I really should have recorded a video of it, as it was so surreal. I wouldn’t have had to go near the window to do it, just lying in bed holding my phone normally would have captured it clear as day. The funniest bit was when another neighbour got fed up of it and slammed his window shut, which caused the two women to complain about the noise he’d made. The hypocrisy was completely lost on them. Anyway, apparently one of them is currently having an argument with her boyfriend, while the other is out of weed. Jeremy Kyle hasn’t been cancelled around here, you only have to open your window to get a new episode. Sigh.

I’m still watching The Office, which means I’ll probably be buying the DVD boxset once my Prime trial is over. I’ve laughed out loud many times. The embarrassment humour still isn’t my cup of tea, but at least it’s not mean-spirited. All the characters, even the most dislikeable ones, get a moment of redemption and sympathy. I know that might seem like the quintessential American schmaltzy thing to do, but I’m totally fine with it. I like my light entertainment to be lightly entertaining. So sue me.

I managed to get six episodes into Transparent, which is very compulsive viewing. I mean, it’s hardly edge-of-your-seat stuff, so maybe I was just in the right mood. It’s a little soap opera-ish and familiar, but there’s enough charm to it to keep me interested. It's also not as predictable as I first thought it was going to be, indulging instead in slightly shifting where the audience thinks things are going to go. Not in a revolutionary fashion, but just enough to make you go "Huh. Ok. Interesting!". I really don’t like the character of Josh, but I guess I’ll just have to put up with him. I’m not sure whether it’s how he’s written or acted. Maybe it’s a bit of both. Anyway, everyone else is great. I think I caught what’s about to happen with the character of Ali, as I suddenly noticed about three episodes in that Gabby Hoffmann kept changing her hairstyle, almost to the point of confusion. I was all like “Is that Ali?”. But then I realised that her character might end up transitioning like Maura. I’ll try cracking on with it over the weekend.

Oh, I did actually manage to watch all three original Evil Dead movies in one go, which surprised me. I don’t know why it surprised me, but it did. Maybe it’s because they’re so familiar to me that I assumed that halfway through I’d get bored. Who knows. The new Blu-ray copies that turned up are very nice, especially Evil Dead 2. Even though I’m visually impaired and struggle with fine details, peripheral information and dark scenes, I was still able to notice the clearer image and more vibrant colours. I enjoyed the first film a lot more than I was expecting. I used to find its shabby, student-like quality too distracting, but I really got caught up in the drama yesterday. Actually, this time around, I felt real sadness for Ash as his friends were possessed one-by-one and he had to kill them. Erm, spoiler alert. Films can affect you differently at different points in your life. I remember not enjoying Withnail & I when I was in my mid-teens but, after I’d lived away from home for the first time and lived in similar drunken squalor, it finally connected with me. Good times. Anyway, yes, I didn’t regret rebuying the Evil Dead set. I was especially glad that the version of Army of Darkness was the American one, the ending to which ties in better with Ash vs Evil Dead. The action ending to the American Cut is just a lot more fun too, instead of simply echoing Evil Dead 2’s dark twist of a last scene, which the International Cut does.

I’m currently watching The Mysterious Cities of Gold before bed at the moment. It never gets old, and I’m always transported back to my childhood when I watch it. I’m trying to do about a disc per night. I wonder if anyone’s cut together the mini-documentaries that end each episode to form one long feature. I guess a quick check of YouTube would answer that but… you know… effort.

Right, I’m starting to get a bit hot sitting here typing over the laptop, so I best go cool down on the bed. I’m hoping to drift off to sleep earlier than 5am tonight. That’s really getting old. I guess turning night into day doesn’t really matter much at the moment. There’s nothing to look forward to at either end of the clock.

On that positive note…

Hail to the king, baby.

Toodles!

Party of one

So, yeah, I turned the big four-oh the other day. I still don’t feel like a responsible adult yet, probably because I don’t have kids, a job, a house with two garages and a dog, but whatever. I prefer cats, anyway. I didn’t do much on the day as, well, there isn’t much one can do for fun at the moment, in terms of socialising. I’m not quite sure what I would have done had all the pubs and restaurants been open. Probably not a great deal different. It’s not like I enjoy parties. Hmmm, maybe I’ll make up for it once July/August swings around. But, yes, basically I’ve stayed in all week drinking heavily alone. Not a great idea, I know. For my actual birthday I mostly spent the time feeling sorry for myself, which was as fun as it sounds. The youngest of my two older brothers called, who I spoke to for the first time in ten years a few months ago. Our chat this time felt a little more chilled, possibly because I felt so rough that I couldn’t be bothered to feel self-conscious about anything. Still, it felt nice to connect with an old friend. I should really call him more often.

I got a few nice cards from people, plus a couple of £40 gift cards. Get it? Glad they weren’t rubbing in my age or anything, lol. I’ve used them to buy a DVD/Blu-ray player, which I mentioned I was thinking about getting in my last post. My PS Plus membership runs out tomorrow so, once the standalone disc player arrives, I’ll probably unhook my PlayStation indefinitely. To be honest, I’ll probably go crazy after a few days but, more than anything, I’m just curious to see how I cope without it. It has become sort of a social crutch for me, but that side of it has pretty much ended anyway. Like when I shut down my social media accounts last year, I think I need to force some changes. The internet has become a means for making myself feel more and more lonely the past few years, and I’ve had enough.

I’ll still post here though, so don’t you worry about that.

My old gaming buddy finally came online last week, which was nice. We had a pleasant little catch-up while playing a few games but, so far, that seems to be about it. I think it’s been a week now since we talked. I have another gaming acquaintance who only agrees to talk to me once a week, so I’m not having another. If they want to get in touch, they know where to find me. I think the usual only-once-a-week guy does it as a power/control thing, which I don’t appreciate. I think he has even less going on in his life than I do, so you do start to wonder. Maybe I’m being hard on people and paranoid, but I need more certainty in life. I can’t sit around waiting for people to find time for me. To be fair, they shouldn’t have to but, I dunno, it always feels so easy when we talk. Why wouldn’t you want more of that? Sigh, I’m really trying my best not to sound like a clingy nutcase here, so that’s probably why I’m making these changes – not to be melodramatic and cause a scene, but to get my life moving. I always feel like I’m running out of time. Probably because I am. We all are.

I turned my phone off for half a day last week, mainly because I was feeling hungover and didn’t have the energy to speak to anyone. This brief radio silence caused my ex to go into full-on panic mode and she called both the police and the ambulance service. Her anxiety had led her to believe I had done something to myself. Luckily, I turned my phone on and spoke to her before anyone turned up and started breaking the door down. I was rather annoyed, as I now feel like I have to communicate with her or else she’ll call the emergency services. Talk about creating a scene! I was texting our mutual friend (the one who took her to hospital last week because of my ex’s very real suicide attempt) and we discussed our shared frustration at how my ex has been acting. I know my ex doesn’t mean to upset anyone, but when your actions start affecting those who love you then, well, it’s time to start taking control of your life. I'm hoping that that mutual friend and I can combine our energies to lend greater support. I'll been struggling to give advice on my own, especially with my own depression issues. I managed to sort out my major life crisis ten years ago when I realised how much it was hurting the people around me. If I can do it, then my ex surely can. I’ve said I’ll help out with anything she wants to do in order to get better, but I can’t do it all for her. She has a really nice, intelligent, proactive group of friends ready to lend a hand. I think she just needs a plan of action. We shall see.

I started my annual Amazon Prime 30-day free trial yesterday, so I’m checking out some of the free stuff to watch online. I started off by making my second attempt to get into the American version of The Office, an attempt which has been a lot more successful this time around. I’m not a big into farce/embarrassment humour (which is the heart of The Office) but, like the UK version, I’m finding enjoyment in the cute love story that’s on the periphery. Jim and Pam are so adorable. I’ve definitely fallen in love with John Krasinski. I might buy the DVD boxset eventually, but I wanted to make sure I liked it first. I didn’t want a repeat of the Community incident.

I’ve also started watching the LGBT-themed show Transparent. Actually, I watched the first episode literally right before I started typing this post. Erm, I don’t know why you needed that detail. Anyway, I found the first episode very moving. Jeffrey Tambor is just so utterly wonderful. I remember having an adverse reaction to him in The Larry Sanders Show when I was younger, mostly because of how badly I felt for his downtrodden character in that, but Arrested Development completely turned me around on The Tambor. I initially didn’t think I’d get on with Transparent as, well, all the characters seemed so obnoxious. I was all like “Is this a show glorifying yuppy LA hipster baby-boomers?! Yuck!” but, thankfully, I soon realised that that was the point of the show. Tambor’s character even laments at one point how selfish and shallow his offspring are. I was very relieved, and got to the end of the episode wanting more. While watching, I kept thinking that I recognised the actress who plays Tambor’s daughter Ali, then I discovered it was Gabby Hoffmann, who I totally thought was cool when I was a kid, probably after seeing her in Sleepless in Seattle. I don’t think I’ve seen her in anything since then, so it was nice to find out she was still working. I think I responded to the tomboyish vibe she gives off. Speaking of which, The Office’s very own Melora Harding seems to be in the main cast as well, and her character is pretty fabulous. That’s kinda how I wish I looked but, sadly, I couldn’t be further from it. I try to explain to people that I’m “a man who identifies as a woman who identifies as a man”, but it usually just confuses them. I know the character of Tammy isn’t a ftm transgender (at least, I don’t think she is), but I’m talking more about the look. So I think I’ll watch a couple more episodes of Transparent this evening before, maybe, settling on a film or something. It might be bedtime by then, but I didn’t get to sleep until about 5am this morning, which was frustrating, so I’m not sure when I’ll be ready for bed tonight There’s nothing more annoying than the dawn chorus when you still haven’t gotten to sleep yourself.

Speaking of sleep, while attempting it last night I kept myself entertained with some audiobooks, as I do. I’ve started on some new ones, mostly about people visiting foreign places. That wasn’t a theme I specifically went for, it just seemed to happen. Yesterday I began Emile Zola’s The Belly of Paris, which is read by the gorgeous (but sadly no longer with us) Frederick Davidson. It’s about late-19th century life around a Parisian marketplace, which I thought would be fun, and it’s turning out to be just that. I was worried it might get a bit dark at one point, but those moments are generally fleeting and incidental. I think it’s going for something more casual. Last week I started on Down and Out in Paris and London, by George Orwell, which was wonderfully boozy and debauched. I haven’t continued with it yet, but it remains on my unofficial “now reading” list. Last night I began Death in Venice, which is quite short, so I’m hoping to maybe have that finished tonight or tomorrow. For a relatively short book, Thomas Mann does witter on. I did manage to get to his first few encounters with the boy, so at least I’ve made it past the introductory chapters. They can sometimes be hard on the weak minded, like myself. I’ve also started A Moveable Feast, which I did get quite deep into on ebook many years ago, but I thought I’d start from the beginning on the audiobook format. I think it’s going to be fairly similar to Down and Out, but my assumption is that Ernest Hemingway and George Orwell have different enough writing styles that I’ll be kept entertained by both.

Oh, I did watch The Rise of Skywalker again, and I was still pleasantly entertained by it. It’s a shame they resorted to the now-cliched “blue laser shooting up into the sky” finale, but up until that point it feels a lot fresher than the first two Star Wars sequels. I’m still amazed by how annoyed I wasn’t at them shoehorning Lando Calrissian into the one, but I guess the charisma of Billy Dee Williams knows no bounds. At 83, he’s still got it going on.

Speaking of things rehashed from the 1980s, along with the DVD/Blu-ray player I also ordered the Blu-rays of the original Evil Dead films and the complete 1-3 set of Ash vs Evil Dead. I already have the films and first season of Ash on DVD, but I thought I’d upgrade. They are old copies, and sometimes the newer Blu-rays aren’t as censored, which was the case with earlier releases of films like Predator and Die Hard with a Vengeance. Maybe I’ll cram the lot into an all-day marathon, once they arrive. Hmmm, then again, that might take too long, especially with three seasons of a TV show. I’ll have a think.

Right, I think I’ve purged enough truth for one day. I best go back to my hobbies. Maybe I should start planning that belated birthday event too.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

False starts, ends and promises

I was just sat in a website queue trying to put in a grocery order, so I thought I’d jot down a few quick thoughts here to kill some time. Once I left the queue, I found the site had cancelled my delivery slot and, when I went in to book a new one, all the available slots had gone. Oh well, I’ll try again tomorrow. I’m ok for basics, I just wanted to get in some fun stuff for my upcoming 40th birthday. My 30th party involved me sat alone at Cambridge train station eating an M&S egg sandwich. I kinda wanted something better for myself ten years leter. I guess not, but I’ll cope.

I had a bit of a shock yesterday when a mutual friend of myself and my ex rang using my ex’s phone. Once I’d answered, and gotten over the initial confusion, the mutual friend informed me that she was at my ex’s house and had found that my ex had overdosed on sleeping pills, antidepressants and alcohol. I initially thought she had found her too late, as she seemed to be holding back what state my ex was currently in. Turns out she was alive but, for some reason, they both felt it necessary to call me and ask what to do. I felt annoyed at this bizarre delay, but then calmly told them just to ring for an ambulance. As mentioned in my last post, my ex has recently been referred to the same mental health crisis team as myself, but I thought she was improving. As far as I know, this is the first proper attempt she has made to take her own life. I know she’s thought about it, but I don’t think she’s ever actually taken action. Anyway, she was driven to hospital and, well, I’m not entirely sure what happened there. All I know is that she was back home by the end of the day. I’m not sure what she’s been telling doctors as, surely, if she’s suicidal, they wouldn’t be prescribing her sleeping pills. They’re a classic checkout method, almost to the point of it being a cliché. Sigh. She won’t get help unless she’s more clear and concise about what’s upsetting her. I’m not convinced she’s even sure herself. Regardless, it sounds like more mobile friends than myself are now checking up on her throughout the day. I’ll give her a call tomorrow. I’d go over and keep her company, but I’m not sure how much trouble that would get me into right now, what with things being the way they are.

My old gaming buddy briefly got in touch yesterday to say, once again, that he’d be back online for a chat within 24 hours. He wasn’t. I’m not sure whether he’s doing this on purpose to keep me dangling or what. I don’t think he is, as he’s not that kind of person. I just don’t think he’s aware of how empty my life is right now. Alas! I replied, via text, that I was cancelling my online gaming subscription so, even if he did make a return to the PlayStation, I wouldn’t be able to game with him anyway. Which is true. I didn’t just say that to be dramatic. It’s been on the cards for a while. I’ve even been thinking about buying a DVD/Blu-ray player for the lounge and disconnecting the PS4 altogether. I’m just not playing that much anymore, mainly due to a lack of interest, so I was wondering whether focussing on watching movies might be more, well, mentally nourishing. My subscription runs out in just over a week so, unless I’m given a decent reason to stay, I think that’s the end of my gaming life. For the foreseeable future, at least. I really do miss my old gaming buddy’s daily company (and, let's face it, him in general), but I need to sort something else out if his absence turns out to be permanent. It certainly does look that way.

It’s all been so emotional around here!

Oh, those DVDs turned up in the post, so I’ve finally watched The Rise of Skywalker and The Man Who Killed Don Quixote. It’s been a regular Adam Driver-fest at my pad! The Rise of Skywalker was a lot better than I was expecting. It mercifully lacked the nostalgic cheese of The Force Awakens and embarrassment-factor of The Last Jedi, but it did replace both with a rather dull story. I guess final instalments in a series are usually just exercises in tying-up loose ends. Still, there were plenty of fun character moments and striking visuals, plus I actually felt quite moved by the end. Basically, it didn’t let me down as it seems to have let others down. Perhaps my expectations were so bedrock-low that my appreciation had nowhere to go but up. The scenes with Princess Leia were the only parts that jarred, for obvious reasons. I wonder whether I’d have noticed had I not been aware that Carrie Fisher had died prior to the film’s production. I guess we’ll never know. Would be funny to cut in moments of her from When Harry Met Sally in place of the unused footage from previous Star Wars films though. Erm, respectfully, of course. Although I'm sure she'd love it. So, yes, if you’re avoiding The Rise of Skywalker because you’ve heard bad things, then take it from me that it’s actually a solid, entertaining and often very funny science fiction adventure. Dare I say it - it could very well be the best Star Wars film we’ve had in forty years. Hmmm, I may have to retract that statement after my second viewing.

Moving onto The Man Who Killed Don Quixote, this week I found myself pleasantly relieved for the second time! I feel like I’ve won a prize. As planned, I did watch Lost in La Mancha again right beforehand, which I heartily recommend doing, as there are some amusing references to Terry Gilliam’s aborted 2000 production (the subject of Lost in La Mancha) in the final film. I was primed for the successful 2018 version by the time the DVD started. I must admit, I was expecting something grander, but the charm of this seemingly-modest production won me over. Jonathan Pryce didn’t quite look the part of Don Quixote but, gosh darned it, he made up for it with some great acting! I appreciated the fact that Gilliam probably wanted to cast a reliable long-time collaborator as Quixote, given the problems he had with Jean Rochefort on the original production. In fact, when I first heard that Pryce had replaced Rochefort, I smiled knowingly to myself, as I knew exactly why. Adam Driver continues to impress us, this time with his portrayal of a cynical film director who slowly begins to see the world through the eyes of the lovably barmy Don Quixote. Driver has a power that really leaps off the screen. He commands quiet, languid moments and violent, bombastic outbursts with equal aplomb. The film’s narrative is, unsurprisingly, a little on the confusing side at times, but I’m guessing a few more watches will fix that. Its habit of jumping back and forth between fantasy and reality is something that can’t really be avoided when dealing with Cervantes’ novel. I’m hoping to pick up the audiobook where I left off pretty soon. It’s notoriously long, and my attention span is short. After that, I just need to catch up on all the Terry Gilliam films I’ve not seen since Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. As with David Cronenberg’s oeuvre, I’m terribly behind, and I really have no excuse. But, back to the film, please do track down a copy and support the film as best you can. Well, if you’re able to find a copy, that is. As mentioned in my previous post, I had to settle on a German DVD due to distribution problems. I believe the curse of Quixote leapt on Gilliam again only after the film was completed, with someone involved in the 2000 production claiming they were owed money from this version. Probably best not to think about it. Just enjoy the movie! Oh and if you haven’t fallen in love with Joana Ribeiro by the end of the film then, erm, you’re a much stronger person than I.

Here’s the episode of my old podcast where I discuss Lost in La Mancha in, I assume, greater detail:



This week I also finished off my 1-5 boxset of King of the Hill, which I’m a bit sad about. It did pick up by the end, but I don’t think I’ll be pursuing any further seasons. Unless you can convince me otherwise, that is. I’m now watching a bit of Will & Grace in bed, as a placeholder, until I can settle on another comedy series to end each day on.

Right, folks, I think that’s all for my “quick” update. I needed to get a few things off my chest before bed, I think. I’ll either fire up the Don Quixote audiobook after the telly’s switched off or, as I have been doing recently, listen to a nonfiction history title. I’ve been working my way through one about ancient Mediterranean civilisations. It’s light, but still interesting. And long. Very, very long.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Life in a northern town

Well, I’m not feeling quite as negative as I was just before my last post. Perhaps having the mental health people ringing me each day last week to check on my wellbeing helped. What’s that scientific expression? “The act of observing something changes the thing being observed”? Something like that. Anyway, it worked. My GP also rang this morning to check on my progress, which was as riveting as a two minute telephone conversation with your homeworking doctor can be. At least he was on time for our appointment, for a change.

I just went out to the shops for the first time in three weeks, and I certainly felt it. I needed to pick up energy meter top-ups, antidepressants and, erm, some other “medication”. Apart from me nearly dying from lack of fitness, it was a pretty easy ride. It was a bit awkward at the chemist at first, as I didn’t realise I had to queue up outside. Nobody said anything when I entered the premises, even though I was using my white cane. I shouldn’t feel guilty as, well, it’s not like I can read signs or anything. There were two gossipy ladies in the queue, which was fun to listen in on. Everybody seems just as confused as everybody else about current outside behavioural rules, so I’m not in the minority. The grocery shop was smooth sailing too. It was pretty empty until, of course, I got to the till, then loads of people appeared behind me. I feel very self-conscious when I’m first in a long queue. Knowing people are watching what I’m doing makes me very anxious. At least I got plenty of booze in, which should speed time up nicely.

I’ve found some new gaming buddies to chat to this week, although they’re a little high energy. I’ve gotten so used to solo gaming recently that it’s been quite a shock to the system. I might appear offline while I regain my strength. My old gaming buddy got in touch last week to say he was going to be back online, but then realised his headset was broken, so that came to nothing. After buying him that stuff for his birthday, I’ve kinda stopped being bothered about him at all. It was a cathartic act. I’ve moved on.

My ex got in touch, as she’s hit rock bottom recently too. In fact, we both had the same crisis team on the phone. Separately, of course. We're quite the pair. Her anxiety has been so bad that she’s been noticeably stuttering over the phone, which isn’t like her. I seem to have managed to calm her down though. She’s a very sweet person, so it’s not nice hearing her so distraught. It’s been the usual stuff getting her down, so I’m not sure how long my calming influence will last. I’ll keep an eye on my phone, just in case.

I think I’m coming to the end of the good seasons of King of the Hill, so I’m glad I only invested in the 1-5 boxset. It’s now starting to feel like the later episodes of The Simpsons. The characters aren’t acting like how they did in the earlier seasons, and everything’s becoming, well, nice. You should be afraid for the Hill family that either Dale, Bill or Boomhauer will one day murder them all in a murder-suicide incident, but now they all go on wacky adventures each week and act loveably eccentric. Dale Gribble should not be loveable. He should be terrifying. The series did hit a high, though, with what I’m going to call the “Buckley Trilogy”. It includes the episodes: “Death of a Propane Salesman, Part One”, “Death of a Propane Salesman, Part Two” and “Wings of a Dope”. I’d be interested to see a version of these episodes cut together to form a mini-movie, as they almost form a strange art piece. I won’t spoil it for you, but “Wings of the Dope” had me in tears. Please do find these three episodes and watch them back-to-back, even if you’re not a fan of King of the Hill in general. They make an incredibly moving and profound work, and you will find yourself loving Luanne Platter as a character, even if you disregarded her as “kooky” before. Like the Hope storyline in Xena: Warrior Princess, the Buckley Trilogy was almost too good for the series. I would even go as far as to call it a “show-killer”, as I was left thinking “Wow, where do they go from here?!”. Which was a fair question, as “Wings of a Dope” felt like a finale. In some ways it was.

Oh, I found out that The Strokes have a new album out, which I’ve been listening to over the last few days. It follows the same melodic themes as their last two albums, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Julian Casablancas sounds as disinterested as always, but I guess there’s nothing we can do about that. His apathetic poetry about nothing-in-particular will avoid moving you as you may have come to expect. Oh well. Still, his backing band are as still perky and manage to inject a bit of life into the middling alternative rock genre. I shall continue my audio experiments!

I was pleased to discover Amy Poehler's new series Duncanville last week. It's an animated comedy about the comings and goings of a teenage boy and his family and friends. From what I just said, you can probably guess that it's not the most original thing in the world, but it's genuinely funny and entertaining. Plus, it's interesting to see a show centered around teens that has slightly more adult humour. It doesn't go to the foul-mouthed extremes of The Inbetweeners, but it certainly dares to be darker than something like Boy Meets World. Whether it's darker than the masterpiece that is Hey, Arnold! is another thing. So, yeah, go watch Duncanville. Now!

I’ve just put in an order for The Rise of Skywalker on DVD, so that’ll be interesting to finally see. I hear it’s “clusterfuck”, but I’m hoping it’ll at least be a fun one. I also ordered Terry Gilliam’s long-gestating The Man Who Killed Don Quixote, which still does not have a UK home video release. I’ve had to buy a German import. Sigh. Once it arrives, I’ll probably watch the Lost in La Mancha documentary again first, just to remind myself of the troubled initial production. Gilliam’s reaction when his assistant director quits makes you want to hug him. Bless.

Well, I think I’ve said all that needs to be said. I hope you are all well. It sounds like the pubs might be open in the next couple of months, so we’ll all benefit from that.

Until then, do stay in touch, darlings.

Chicken thigh!

Lust for life

So the past couple of weeks have been a bit of a downer. My antidepressants really seem to be struggling to keep me afloat. I’ve definitely gone back to existing from day-to-day, barely achieving anything at all. I need to drop my prescription off soon actually as, much to my surprise, it’s been nearly a month since I last left the flat properly and I’m running out of meds. The days are slow but, somehow, they’re passing quickly. If all you really want out of life is to go down to the pub once or twice a week and converse with a bunch of sad weirdos like you, but you can’t, because they’ve shut all the pubs down, then you really start to lose focus. I mean, I’m into other stuff, obviously, but wandering down the hill for a few ales has been what’s gotten me out of the house for the past decade. Now it’s just gangs of kids out there who make comments about my disability. I just want a fucking pint, but that’s become too much to ask. Sigh.

I mentioned to my IAPT (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies) worker over the phone yesterday that I’ve been feeling morbid again. I should have known, from past experience, to just bottle that noise up as, of course, he had to cut our session short to go discuss what I’d told him with his supervisor. Now I’ve got a crisis team ringing me regularly to make sure I’m not swinging from my balcony. Maybe this means they’ll bump me up to a proper counsellor, rather than an admin bod who’s probably only been on a week-long mental health training course. Well, that’s a bit unfair, I’m sure they’re much more trained than that, but IAPT isn’t about them listening and giving advice so much as guiding you to help yourself. Basically, I think I need an actual psychologist, but we shall have to wait and see. I’m feeling a little better today so, when they ring later, I’ll try to get them off my back.

It was my old gaming buddy’s birthday the other day, so I bought him a bunch of stuff off his Amazon wish list. I spent over a hundred pounds. I didn’t think it was weird at the time, but now I’m regretting making such a grand gesture. I wasn’t trying to buy his affection or anything. I dunno, I guess I just wanted to say “thanks” to him for helping me stay sane the past few years. He’s been very appreciative about what he’s received, so I hope he leaves it at that and doesn’t feel under pressure to get back in touch. Silly me. I don’t like doing things out of obligation, so buying him all that stuff just because I wanted to felt pure and more honest than the usual reluctant gift-giving nightmare we all go through. Who knows where things will go now. I’ve probably made a fool out of myself, but that’s ok. It’s not my first time.

I’ve been watching King of the Hill in bed a lot this week. I’ve really gotten into it. I genuinely forgot how funny it was. I just wish I’d bought the boxset sooner. Oh well. While my favourite character, in terms of laughs, is Dale Gribble, my overall favourite character is Luanne. She’s so unashamedly herself that she’s a joy to watch. Her blissful approach to doing everything is so inspiring, and her modest dreams (she doesn’t want to be a movie star, she just wants to be the makeup artist to a movie star) make her even more relatable. She’s not perfect though, as sometimes she does get angry and vindictive over things (don't we all?), but that just makes her more human. None of us are perfect, whatever “perfect” even means. We’re just people, and Luanne feels more like a person than anyone else on the show. I wish I could share her sweetly-naïve lust for life and be just as passionate about the little things as she is.

RIP Brittany Murphy.

Well, I think I’ve come to the end of today’s incoherent rant. I’m sure I say this at the end of every post now but, well, by my next post I hope things in the news will have changed and I’ll have more interesting adventures to report. Shit gets pretty crazy in a suburban real ale pub on a weekday afternoon with a bunch of elderly people. Cuh-ray-zee!

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

It never rains, but it pours

Hello! Thought I might check in. Hope you’re all doing well. Can’t say I have a great deal to report but, well, do I really ever? Hmmm, I’ll let you be the judge of that. I shall just start typing and see what I come out with.

Believe it or not, I’ve ran out of booze. Shocker! But it’s ok, I managed to get another grocery delivery slot for this coming Thursday, so I’ll be back being well lubricated from then on. I’m hoping this delivery dude isn’t as intense as the last one. I understand the drill now, sort of, so fingers crossed it won’t get confrontational again. I keep ordering more than my usual amount of booze because I’m concerned I won’t be able to get my hands on some closer to my birthday next month. I guess I shouldn’t worry about it, as I seem to be doing alright. I might even reduce the amount I’ve put on this week’s order. I’m sure I’ll find some more within a few weeks.

On the hobby front, while I’m still lacking interest in music, I have gotten my nose stuck back into classic literature these past couple of weeks. I’ve managed to finish importing that box of Shakespeare performances and put them onto my MP3 player. I’ve been doing about five plays each night, with three discs a piece. It was a pain in the bum, but I’m finding my “hard work” to have been well worth it. The only problem with these recordings is that they’re lacking any stage directions so, while I’m getting some very good performances, I generally have no idea who is who and where is where. But that’s ok, I usually have to read the synopsis on Wikipedia before delving into each play anyway. I do struggle to pick up on what’s going on just by listening to Shakespeare’s work. Reading his plays as printed in the folio is a little easier, as you can pace yourself. Regardless of this issue, I was really amazed that I genuinely laughed at a Shakespeare joke for the first time in my life. It was this bit in As You Like It:

JAQUES
I thank it. More, I pr'ythee, more. I can suck melancholy out of a song, as a weasel sucks eggs. More, I pr'ythee, more.

AMIENS
My voice is ragged; I know I cannot please you.

JAQUES
I do not desire you to please me; I do desire you to sing.

I was all like "Hey, that was a joke! And it was funny!!". I guess it had to happen some time. I wonder whether it plays out as a comedy moment in other screen/audio adaptations.

The best retelling of any of Shakespeare's canon is, of course, Russ Abbot’s “Do the Richard the Third” musical sketch. I don’t think I’m exaggerating when I say it’s the crowning achievement of Western culture, and should be preserved in a museum somewhere. Behold:



I’ve also restarted my Audible membership, as I felt I’d backed off for long enough. I spent my first credit on Chaucer’s The Canterbury Tales. I know I can get free recordings of these waaay out of copyright works, but having tried listening to the amateur performances of the dedicated Librivox folk, I’m appreciating the training of professional actors who are actually being directed by someone. I don’t mind paying money for the privilege of not being distracted by the incoherent rantings of a bunch of crazy motherfuckers. Bless their cotton socks. They do put a lot of effort in.

I’ve also been looking into the writings of one of Shakespeare’s contemporaries – Ben Jonson. I’ve only been able to find the amusingly disastrous Librivox recordings of his plays, but it’ll do for now. Maybe they’ll release a Jonson boxset similar to the Shakespeare one I bought. The latter wasn’t the ONLY playwright around at that time, you know. Sheesh! Some people, huh?!

I did initially spend my first Audible credit on another of Dorsey Armstrong’s lecture series about the middle ages, but I was concerned that The Medieval World may tread too much of the same territory as Turning Points in Medieval History. Luckily, Audible have a swap system for if you’re not satisfied with what you’ve spent your credit on. I do like Dr Armstrong’s lectures though, so next month I may invest in one that promises to be a bit different - either one on King Arthur or one on the Black Death. Although, erm, reading about a major historical pandemic might not be great at this moment in time. I shall have a think!

Movie-wise, I’ve been trying to work my way through 1986’s Lady Jane, starring an adorably fresh-faced Helena Bonham Carter and Cary Elwes. It’s a historical piece about the short reign of the titular Lady Jane Grey, also known as "the Nine Days' Queen", who was executed by Mary I, also known as “Bloody Mary”, also known as “Queen Bitch of the Universe”. The last one was by me, but whatever. Lady Jane is proving to be somewhat of a struggle, as it is very much the work of a stage director with very little interest in the art of cinema. Methinks a textbook would prove to be more exciting and visual. However, it does have the inimitable Patrick Stewart in it, who is always a joy to watch. I mean, he’s the same in everything, but what else do you want?! IT’S PATRICK-BLOODY-STEWART! But, yes, I’m hoping things will liven up the deeper into the film I get. It is rather odd that the film sort-of restarts after half an hour. Not literally, but we get a second round of introductions to the same characters and multiple blasts of exposition. I wonder if they shot two openings and then decided to just chuck them both in. Who knows.

In other news, the pubs aren’t back open yet, so I’m still missing my weekly venture out into civilisation. I’m generally fine without it, but I do like to remind myself now and again why I prefer to stay in. I haven’t been on any more walks with that woman that helped me with my shopping the other week, so I’m guessing my personality worked its usual charm. Sigh.

My old gaming buddy has been back in touch though, as he’s apparently fallen out with my replacement. I think my gaming buddy will be back on his old console within a week or so for a chat. I’m not sure how I feel about being someone’s consolation prize, but I’ll take it. I can’t really be too fussy at this point in my life. Well, I can, and I am, but whatever. It's fine. He's actually very sweet. Coincidentally, while he was texting me about his friendship crisis, I was on the phone to my ex trying to talk her down from her weekly anxiety ledge. Counselling two people at once isn’t the easiest thing in the world to accomplish, I must say. How come nobody contacts me for weeks and then – boom! – all of a sudden I’m rushed off my feet. Crazy days. Oh well, I do enjoy the attention, and I’m very flattered that people find me easy-ish to talk to. Who’d-a-thunk-it?

Right, what next? Oh, I definitely need to take a trip to the recycling bins downstairs, as my living room is cardboard city at the moment. It hasn’t built up like this in quite a while. I’ll probably find a few homeless people making a home in there somewhere. Stranger things have happened.

Well, folks, I think that’s all for now. I best go find… I dunno… something to do. With any luck, I’ll have more to report in my next post. That’ll be nice, won’t it?

Ok, less of that, you.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Supply and demand

There are two things that, generally speaking, I really do not enjoy, these are: mass public melodrama and social trends. These dislikes are possibly irrational and triggered by my clinical depression, so bear with me while I maniacally vent spleen. Now, I know that what is going on right now does not technically constitute a social trend, but it FEELS like one. It has all the irritating hallmarks, so that is where my brain is filing it. The melodrama, I assume, I am mercifully avoiding, having removed myself from social media last year. I'm glad that people are taking positive action and not just wallowing in misery about it all; in fact, there's a real "Dunkirk spirit" taking hold, which is encouraging. However, a mildly creepy commercialisation and a sort-of “pandemic chic” has arisen and is seeping through to me, no matter how much I attempt to shut the world out. At the risk of sounding like a hypocrite by having a rant myself, all this is giving a lot of people the opportunity to make speeches, usually by email. Each day, I have to wade through paragraph after paragraph of pontificating bollocks that’s merely a regurgitation of what we already know, just to get to the point of what the sender (retailers, service providers etc.) is messaging their customers about. Sigh. But it’s ok, I’ve been managing to get my hands on some booze.

Which leads us to…

I’ve managed to get my hands on some booze! LOADS OF IT! It’s nearly all gone now, but it sure has sped up the last couple of weeks. Last Wednesday, that woman who works at my local pub and I went for a walk to the local shops together. Don't worry, we were both safely enclosed in our own lead-lined, 12-feet in diameter social distancing exercise balls. You know, like guinea pigs have. I was getting really anxious about dealing with the public, especially with my visual impairment and my obvious inability to read instructional signage outside shopfronts. And they are out there. It was the first time I’d been out in a few weeks and we had a lovely chat. She even helped me carry my beer home – all 24 cans of it! I think I’m probably eligible for some obnoxious lads’ mag award for having an attractive woman carry a crate of lager home for me. But I wouldn’t accept it, of course. I’m not that kind of guy. While in the shop, I did keep forgetting to stay within the black lines that the staff had laid out on the floor for customers, but nobody freaked out. It was a surprisingly drama-free experience. Once we got back to mine, I said I’d take over all the carrying duties outside the building, as my flat’s in too much of a messy state for people to come in and, erm, experience. Which is the truth, although I think she would have been happy to come all the way up. I don’t think she likes me in THAT way, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like her. Anyway, I think she has a boyfriend, so I’m happy to wait for her to make any moves in that direction. I’m a pretty passive fella.

The next four days passed by in a boozy blur, believe it or not. My memory starts to return around Sunday. This was quite a good day, actually, as I finally managed to get a grocery delivery slot! It genuinely felt like I’d won the lottery. I didn’t panic buy, but I did have a backlog of things I desperately needed. I usually spend about £60, but this week I spent double that. Odd really, as there really wasn’t anything out of the ordinary that turned up. I’m blaming my general household needs. Still, it’s been really great having some fresh food in the flat and some of my favourite snacks (most importantly: Cofresh’s Balti Cashews, which I heartily recommend!). The delivery guy was a little aggressive with his social distancing anxiety. I wasn’t sure what the drill was, so he kept shouting “Stay back!”. I was all like “Yeah... ok, dude... I’m cool”. He even mentioned that his wife had cancer, like to guilt-trip me or something. I didn’t think that was necessary. I was so glad when he left. He’d made me really anxious. See? This is why I hate all this – not for the fear of catching something and dying, but having to deal with society differently, which I’m not great at even on a good day. Especially having to deal with a society that’s reveling in melodrama (faux or otherwise) which, having experienced it ad nauseum on social media, I’m now fighting to avoid “off the grid” and at my very front door.

And this weekly clapping thing can get lost. Sheep, the lot of them.

Please be patient with me, I need to get all this frustration out. Growing up in a military family has left me feeling, well, rather disconnected from society. I struggle with empathy, sometimes.

Oh, I forgot to mention, the day after I went on that platonic walk, those three cases of beer turned up from that online supplier, so I had EVEN MORE booze to work through! Woohoo! So, yes, that’s definitely kept me busy. I best not have any tonight, as I really need to pick up my medication tomorrow. Why does it always run out just before the weekend?! Alas!

Actually, I have noticed that, since these new antidepressants have kicked in, my noisy neighbours haven’t been bothering me as much. One of them actually shouted down the stairwell to the other today to get them to turn their music down but, I dunno, it’s just not been getting to me. I’m seeing that as a positive change. I mean, why not? Still, that did make me laugh earlier.

Oh, I watched the 1987 biopic Prick Up Your Ears the other day. It’s directed by Stephen Frears and stars Gary Oldman and Alfred Molina as romantically entangled but sort-of-competing writers. I wanted this for my “movies about creativity” collection, but it also fits neatly into my LGBT collection. Hmmm, I’ll decide later where to slip it in. Most importantly, the film also stars Julie Walters and Vanessa Redgrave – two of my favourite people in the universe ever. Redgrave is actually a lot like that woman I went for a walk with last week, so you can see why I’m smitten. Prick Up Your Ears actually has some minor similarities to Withnail & I, which was released the same year. Both films are about two creative types of differing skill and potential living together, with one being very flamboyant and self-doubting, while the other is more sedate and quietly self-confident. Obviously, the homoeroticism in Withnail & I is purely subtext, while in Prick Up Your Ears it is text. I recommend a double bill, perhaps a triple, if anyone can think of a third film with similar themes. That can be your homework for this week, lovers.

Righty, I best go, as I’ve got a curry on the hob. Homemade, of course! Yay! I haven’t had to order a takeaway for “fresh” food in a week and a half! Amazing!

Anyway, I hope you are all keeping well and succeeding in not tearing your hair out with boredom.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Another day, another nothing

Big news! I’m considering turning my refrigerator off. Exciting, huh?! The thing is, all that’s in there at the moment are some condiment sauces and half a tub of margarine. I’m sure it’s chewing up a lot of electricity, and my meter credit is now down to £23. It generally equates to about £1 a day, give or take. I’ll probably be okay for another couple of weeks, but I’m sure I’ll start getting anxious about it soon. I’ll have to actually go out to get a credit top-up, but I’m really not keen to go into any shops at the moment. I’m not fused about catching anything, it’s just not knowing how I’m supposed to act when I’m in there is what’s getting me worked up. I just want things back to normal. If I do turn off my fridge, then I won’t be able to store takeaway leftovers (should I order enough for a few days, as usual). Hmmm, is it worth it? Three day old pizza is pretty good eating. I’ll have a think.

Maybe all this will be over by the time my meter dries up and the lights go out. Or I’ll find I can survive on just cold water baths and staring out the window at nothing for entertainment. Sounds fun.

I managed to put an order in a for a few cases of beer earlier today. I was quite surprised I was able to. I don’t know why I was so surprised, as beer is hardly an essential. Well, maybe for some. The cases are from a place I’ve ordered from before (who do mixed bottle gift boxes). I ordered three. I’m wondering whether to drink them once they arrive or wait until my birthday next month. It’s a big round number, so I should celebrate. I guess I could order more cases should these arrive quick enough.

I made a curry yesterday out of tinned vegetables and meat. Very posh. It’s kinda what I do anyway, so it was no big change. I ran out of rice last week though, so I had it with pasta. It actually wasn’t too bad. There’s something in rice that makes me happy though, so running out is very bothersome. I need my fix! Today I stirred in a tin of new potatoes as I heated it up. It was fine. Rice would have been better. Just saying.

I watched a couple of films directed by Karel Reisz and lensed by Freddie Francis this week – The French Lieutenant’s Woman and Saturday Night and Sunday Morning. They’re both films I’ve been meaning to catch for years but, for some reason, have just never gotten around to it. Freddie Francis is my favourite cinematographer, having worked on The Elephant Man, Dune and Cape Fear, so I was keen to check out more of his work. He seems to like creating layers of similar colours, which gives a pastel-quality to his scenes. He was quite a genius.

The French Lieutenant’s Woman is rather an oddity, as it jumps back and forth through time from the Victorian era to modern day, where Meryl Streep and Jeremy Irons play actors working on a film version of the Victorian scenes. It’s a rather pointless device, to be honest. I think they did it to fit in the multiple endings that the source material has, but they could have done it a better way. The film Clue did it best, I’d say. Regardless, The French Lieutenant’s Woman is a very moving study of depression, a subject which is close to my heart. Streep’s character is in a very confused state throughout most of the film, and just wants to isolate herself in order to recover. I can relate to this. She emotionally wounds people, but not on purpose. Depression creates so much doubt in one’s mind, and can make the sufferer see the world not for what it really is. Sometimes people around them inadvertently get caught up in that. It’s really nobody’s fault. Just the illnesses.

Saturday Night and Sunday Morning was very interesting. It’s fascinating seeing English life as it was sixty years ago. I think it’s a film that helped kick-off the British new wave, adding grit to motion pictures, rather than the soft fantasy world of films from and before the 1950s. Albert Finney is very compelling as the loutish main character, although his loud line delivery gets a bit irritating after a while. Rachel Roberts gives a very moving performance as the married woman Finney’s character is having an affair with. I nearly teared up myself as she broke down while confiding she was pregnant. I need to check out more British films from this period. Let me know if you have any recommendations!

The rest of that bulk Amazon order I put in hasn’t even been dispatched yet. Apparently they’re prioritising essential items, which is fine. I wonder which will come first – my beer cases or box of DVDs. We shall see.

I’m still doing a lot of solo video gaming at the moment, although I did have a catch-up session with my once-a-week gaming buddy. I’ve been venturing into playing with randoms on certain titles, with mixed results. Still, it’s nice to have some company, even if they never turn their mic on.

I’ve started fantasy house hunting again, which is a nice bit of escapism. I looked for houses around Lyme Regis last night, which is a town on the south coast. It was featured prominently in The French Lieutenant’s Woman and looked rather pleasant. I didn’t find much though. I’m searching for properties under the assumption that I’ll win the lottery next week so, basically, plenty of bedrooms and a big garden are a must! I’m sure I’ll be packing my bags by the end of the week. Just when I’ll be able to actually move is another thing. Your guess is as good as mine.

Well, I must dash. I have a whole lot of nothing to be getting on with. Hopefully I’ll be writing my next post from the bottom of a bottle. Good times.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!