Well, I've decided to drop back down to my old dose of antidepressants, as I now suspect that this higher one is what's making me go or feel out of control. Think I'll avoid booze while this is going on too, so I've just swapped whiskey on tomorrow's shopping order for the ingredients to make a curry.
I'd rather miss my friend and be on the right dose, than not feel anything at all.
We shall see.
P.S. The curry is one I've not tried yet - chicken and sweet potato. I'll let you know how it goes.
So more epic week-long benders. More me not caring.
I’m generally a pretty nihilistic person, more in terms of a belief system than a feeling but, now, nihilism seems to have permeated my very pores.
I don’t feel particularly sad or anxious, I’m just back feeling like I’m standing in a desert without a map, a compass or a single drop of water on my person. That’s why I went back on antidepressants a few years ago, to get rid of that feeling. Somehow it’s punched through the wall of medication and latched onto my brain again.
I had my first telephone consultation with a mental health worker last week, which went well. I was very emotionally drained afterwards, but that was perfectly understandable. I’m opening up more about my drinking, even to the point of asking for help, but then I wonder “Oh what’s the point?!”. I mean, I’m 42 and still having the same problems I was having when I was 11. I’d have gotten drunk then, if only I knew about booze. Anyway, they’re going to call again this coming Tuesday, so I’ll have a chat with them about my deepening despair then. If that’s what I want to call it.
I’ve been back out to the pub, often much later than usual and already a little tipsy. I’m concerned the staff have noticed the change in my behaviour and may ban me for my own good. I don’t think they have noticed though, or would even think to ban me. I’m always in a good mood when I’m in there and seem to have a laugh and a joke with everyone. I’m even wondering whether one of the owners likes me. You know, LIKES-me likes me. She hung around a lot longer than usual the other day, and seemed keen to ask me about myself. Who knows. She’s married but, well, that doesn’t stop some people.
There’s a gay male customer who has taken an interest in me too, which I can’t quite wrap my head around. I think he’s just that type of sociable person, so I’m trying not to get too excited about it. He gave me a lift home in his van the other day, but nothing happened. I was pretty drunk and assumed he wouldn’t want to take advantage of me. He did work at the pub for a brief period, but then got fired. Apparently he got fired and was refused a reference because he couldn’t get a reference from his last job, which has made me suspicious. The staff still seem to like him though, so who knows.
I’m in such a strange place in my life. I guess friends leaving town, for one reason or another, has gotten me feeling the way I was feeling fifteen years ago, which I now believe was one of the causes for my meltdown at the time. I’m truly alone here now, so I feel like I’m grasping at straws to fill the loneliness. I feel out of control, as I’m certainly no expert in socialising. I don’t know who to trust, but I’m throwing myself at people anyway. I’m really concerned that something bad is on the horizon, but not in a melodramatic way.
I’m just spiralling into an abyss of uncertainty, and I am absolutely terrified.
So my drinking binges, or benders, have been getting more severe lately. I'm guessing the increased intake is due to my post-friend-dying nihilism. All this life nonesense does seem rather pointless now but, hey, at least I can party a bit before maybe just not waking up one day, like she did.
I've been avoiding going out since I realised I was going overboard. I was going to the pub maybe three times a week, getting completely paralytic, then just carrying on the next day. After a normal binge, I only have to deal with an immediate hangover. These, as I'm sure you're all aware, only last a day or so but, especially with my moving to whiskey, I've even started feeling addicted to alcohol. This only takes a couple of extra days to overcome but, well, it all adds up.
I'm sober now, amazingly, and feeling quite productive. I've been practicing my guitar and watching new movies, but I'm still feeling that need to go out and forget about everything. Or just feel nothing. Or at least a sense of emotional stability.
I think I have an appointment with a mental health worker coming up, so I'll talk to them about what's been going on.
Speaking of productivity, I've decided to start a creative writing blog. Just a serialised story I came up with last night. Well, it's been partially-gestating for a while, but it all came together whilst I was lying in bed waiting to go to sleep. I was so moved by the tale that I almost brought myself to tears. That's got to be a good sign, right?
Anyway, it's tentatively titled "Pontoon Railway", and you can find it here:
I'll be updating it randomly and at different lengths, so each post isn't technically a "chapter" per se. I guess I'll just stop each time on a cliffhanger, as one does with serialised stories.
Always keep them wanting more!
Not sure what I'm going to do for the rest of the day today. Maybe go out and get drunk. You know, for a change.
Do stay in touch, darlings.
Toodles!
Last night I put in another order to have a custom guitar built for me and the company just rang me, as they do, to confirm some of the customisation options. After going through each of our lists, he asked if I wanted to come down to pick it up in person, as they like to meet people who regularly buy from them. I'm very flattered, as I'm sure they get some very cool people showing up, but I'd probably be a major disappointment to them. Plus I don't like to travel anymore, what with my eyesight and all.
Anyway, I just fancied saying something about it, as it feels pretty cool to have somebody show an interest in me. Smallest violin in the world playing just for me, right?
Oh, I've just had to call the police, as there's a crazy guy outside shouting nonsensically. He's probably on drugs or something, but I'm concerned about his safety, so I thought I'd do, well, something.
That's all for now. Just a quick one today!
Do stay in touch, darlings.
Toodles!
I've nervously been dipping my toe back into Facebook and Twitter, hence me not posting here for ages, but it's all gone disastrously.
Surprised? No, me neither.
I'm feeling very tearful. I seem so adept at rubbing people the wrong way and losing friends. Even virtual friends. Virtual friends I haven't even made yet.
I'm going to stay in and stay off for a while. Limit my contact with the outside world.
Just me and single player video games, DVDs and guitars.
This world is not for me, so I shall create my own.
Everything is just terrible.
And it will only get worse.
Well, summer has finally arrived. I’ve dug out my system of towels to mop up the constant perspiration, which is bad even on a good day. I think it just runs in the family, as my blood pressure isn’t particularly high. I remember dad used to overheat too. I think it’s my thick, part-Canadian skin that’s the problem. I’m built for living on snowy mountaintops, not sun-bleached concrete council estates. So, yes, there’s not much to do in this weather, except sit as still as possible and hope for a breeze. I can play guitar effectively later in the evening, but during the day I’m just too sticky.
I’ve not drank since Thursday, by which point I’d been drunk for seven days straight. It seems to have knocked the grief out of me for now, but I was getting very bored. I’m not a high-functioning alcoholic. I randomly took a taxi down to the pub really late last-last Sunday evening, and accidentally stumbled upon the birthday barbeque bash of the bar manager. I got dragged in and hugged a lot, which was nice. It made me feel less lonely. Although, well, it’s a mild concern that I didn’t get an invite in the first place, but I’ll try not to dwell on that.
I’ve started thinking seriously about upgrading my living conditions. I need shelves and tables, basically. I’m slowly being pushed out by musical equipment, and I can’t take it anymore. Sadly, I’m not a very practical sort of fellow, so I’m taking the planning process very slowly. I did give my number to a handyman in the pub, but I’ve not heard anything since. I also gave my number to a guy who had a bookcase to give away, but I’ve not heard anything since. Sigh. I haven’t cleaned in a while, which is made difficult by all the clutter. I’m hoping that, once I can move stuff up from off the ground, I can finally give the place a much-much-much-needed once over. We shall see.
I’m feeling pretty low today, which means I’m fighting off the desire to go drinking. Like I said, it’s hard to do anything else in this heat really. Maybe I should order a crate of beer or head down to the pub, after I’ve posted this.
So, yeah, just more whingings from a disabled, alcoholic, depressed, lonely, middle-aged nerd. The reasons for me to not be here anymore are really stacking up. I think the note will be very short, something along the lines of: “Do you really need me to tell you why?!”. Good times.
I've spent a bit more than usual on the lottery this week, so you never know.
Well, I best go scrub up and figure out what to do with the rest of the day. The possibilities are endless: stay sober, or go get drunk.
Feels great to be alive.
Do stay in touch, darlings.
Toodles!
