Wednesday wisdom

I’m feeling unsteady on my feet today, yet again. I wonder if this is connected to me hardly going out anymore. Apparently my blood-sugar levels have never been better though. Hmmm. I’m still content to stay in. The only thing that used to get me out was the ex, but thats obviously not an option anymore. I need a new “wing person”. Maybe I should put an ad in the local newspaper. Friendship apps are clearly not for me.

I just had to ring the bank about some minor admin issue. I’d been putting it off because, well, ringing the bank about a minor admin issue is so fucking boring. The guy was nice though Turns out the last person I spoke to hadn’t done certain things to my account they said they had. Glad I kept my notes about that earlier call.

“Angry Game Boy” kicked in the building’s main door earlier so loudly that it genuinely sounded like an explosion. He didn’t slam the door to his flat though. He used to do that so often that his letterbox flap fell off. It’s now been comically off for years. Bless. Maybe I should go over and ask if he wants a calming handyjay.

I think “Loud Phone Lady” on the other side of me has started drinking again, as she’s been making me laugh with her wild outbursts. She’s not been aggressive or scary, just weird in a funny way. Goodness knows why I’m sober. I mean, what am I saving myself for?!

I’m not feeling particularly inspired regarding food. Wondering whether to have a takeaway. Or make egg and chips. I think the potatoes I have are still good. I’ve got a tin of beans & sausages too. Oh yes, this is happening.

Wow, what a life I lead.

My motivation is still very low. It’s not helping that I feel physically weak too. I did just trim my nails, so perhaps I should try playing guitar for a bit. That does require some energy though, which is in short supply at the moment.

I guess I could have a wank. I think I’m into women today, pending the reaction of Angry Game Boy to my sexual advances.

Urgh, I dunno, something else to do with depression or loneliness or anxiety or alcoholism.

I’ll let you fill in the blanks.

Something camp at the end to sign off.

Blah.

MAD CRAZY HOUSE PARTY, USA!

I’m having a pretty uneventful day today. It’s one of those days where I end up thinking “I’m not drunk, but I may as well be”. Meh, I can’t be arsed to go through another hangover so soon. Yup, that’s how lazy I am.

I think I was quite sleep deprived when I got up earlier, as I’d completely lost track of my sleep count. I just got up because, well, I had no idea how much more was required of me. Not that I felt like it was going to happen anyway. I’ve just had a post-lunch/dinner/whatever siesta, which has sorted me out nicely. The kettle’s just boiling for my second round of coffee of the day.

I’m not sure what to do with myself. I played a little guitar earlier, although rather awkwardly. I need to trim my fingernails. I found the neck pickup on that Eastwood guitar I bought rather impulsively last year to be very nice indeed. Dream tone kinda stuff.

I’ve developed a nasty cough this evening. Plus my left elbow keeps hurting. It’s hard to straighten it out, not that I do that a lot.

“The Whistler” downstairs was arguing with someone loudly earlier. Not on the phone, the other person was actually there with them. One of them ended up storming out the flat in a huff and slamming the door. Lovers tiff? Who knows. I do like a bit of drama around here though.

Oh that reminds me, someone was going up the stairwell banging on doors yesterday quite late. I’m wondering if it was the police looking for witnesses. That happens a lot around here. I ain’t seen nuffin’, guv.

Just had to stop typing and put a jumper on. It’s really cold at the moment. It was even down to 0’C the other day. Crazy days.

I made a stroganoff for dinner. The ready meal versions are always so expensive. To be honest, even the slim packet of seasoning was £1. Good grief. I added the leftover stir fry I’d taken out the freezer, as there wasn’t much to it. The combo worked out very well. I think stroganoff is one of my all time favourite dishes. Lucky, I have the veg and another sachet for a second potion. Woo!

It’s all fucking go around here, huh?

Well, I thought I’d just chime in. I’m also curious about something, which this may shed light on.

Right, this post has gone on far longer than I expected.

Do stay in touch, darlings, wherever you are at the moment.

Toodles!

Homemade happenings

So I managed to stay away from the whisky yesterday, which is a mild improvement. Sticking to wine and beer is less, erm, crippling. I’m getting into buying in stouts at the moment, which are a nice alternative to horrid cheap lager. I used to drink stout a lot when I used to go out to the pub, but now, obviously, I don’t. It’s usually quite expensive from shops, but I’ve found a good middle ground.

I woke up for the shopping early this morning, then went back to bed until 3 pm. Then I had a few hair of the dogs, some food, then went back to bed for about 4 hours. I’m now up and on the coffee and making some homemade chips. See? Usually I’d be suffering for another few days on whisky.

It takes me a while to catch on.

My toilet was backed up yesterday evening, which happens about once a year. I didn’t need to call anybody out, as it seems to sort itself out after about 12 hours, but it was still gross. At one point I drunkenly sat down and accidentally gave my balls a soaking. I was all like “Mmm, that’s nice! Oh wait… eww!”. So I had to wash my scrotum in the sink, which is difficult when you’re swaying from side to side.

The supermarket delivery boy was cute. He sounded quite young. So young in fact, that he didn’t have much to say for himself. Anything, really. I guess I was like that until I was about 30. Now I don’t shut up. Anyway, no flirting took place. I’m sure he’s up to his waist in horny housewives much more attractive than myself.

Ho-hum.

My emotions are still rather dulled, thanks to the booze. I wonder how I’ll feel once I’m fully recovered. I’ve taken a portion of homemade curry out of the freezer, which now seems like a really good idea. I cook loads of fancy recipes when I’m feeling inspired, then eat the frozen leftovers when I’m at a lethargic low point.

I can’t say I’m feeling any more positive than I was feeling when I posted yesterday, although searching through Catherine Tate clips helped cheer me up. I really should buy her full boxset, as I think I only have the first two discs. What a silly thing it was to make her Doctor Who’s assistant. Catherine Tate is nobody’s sidekick. She’s far too charismatic. She definitely pulled focus from David Tenant.

How on Earth did I get onto Doctor Who?! Hmmm…

Well, I’m trying to cheer myself up again with some Family Guy while the chips roast away. I’l probably need to give them a quick turn soon.

My old school friend finally broke his week-and-a-half silence. No explanation, he just sent me a rude picture and asked for my opinion. Bless. Just like when we were kids. Ah the 80s.

Yup, I think that’s about it. I think I’ll make a sandwich to have with my chips. I’m finding stilton works really well with salami. Plus I’ve started using soft cheese instead of margarine, or whatever you’re legally allowed to call the stuff you spread on a sandwich which isn’t butter. Sigh.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Quite an experience to live in fear...

...isn't it?

That's what it is, to be a slave.

Beaten down

Well, I managed to get to sleep around 9 am in the end, but only for a paltry 4 hours. I mean WTF. Sigh. It’s enough to turn a person to drink, which is what I’m going to do after posting this. I just can’t take another night of those agonising adrenaline seizures. My head is still hurting from the last round.

I thought I’d become strong enough to combat my cyclothymia at its own game, but I just can’t. It’s too strong. The plans I made a few weeks ago, the changes I’d begun to implement, the positive attitude I’d generated… all gone. I have no power. And it will never end.

I’m not convinced my next batch of blood pressure medication will last longer than a day.

I’m just so frightening of everything and everybody all the time. It’s been this way all my life. And why? Oh, no reason. It’s just how my brain likes to torture me. It’s an exhausting experience to live in fear. It seems all the cute pop music in the world can’t help me. Drink briefly can though. But apparently that’s enough.

I started off a precocious middle class kid with so much potential. Now I’m an alcoholic loser living on a northern council estate. That’s what mental illness really does to a person. They don’t make films about that.

Anyway, I’ve still got a load of booze leftover from last week’s harmful binge, plus I have a grocery order put in for tomorrow. I’ll add some more drinks before the midnight cut-off. I’ll try to avoid that cheap supermarket whisky, as that’s the thing that really does me a mischief.

Well, folks, I guess that’s me done for a few days.

See you on the other side.

Sigh.

Do stay in touch, darlings, although I’m no longer receiving visitors.

Toodles!

8 am agony

I’m in so much pain.

I’ve been spending a lot of time in bed, what with these sudden, unnatural feelings of aggression. I assumed I’d be able to do a lot less damage hiding away, even in my tiny flat. But my body keeps conspiring against me. Again and again and again.

My brain is attacking me from all sides. It’s like a dying creature lashing out in all directions, desperate to hurt anything. I’m having a really bad adrenaline seizure, which usually occur around the hypnogogic period of sleep. I just want to scream until my throat is raw.

I’m in so much pain.

I just want to be at peace.

Why won’t my brain leave me alone?!

A song so adorable you will cry

Try it. Although I recommend sound-only.

See?

Earnest kids are heartbreakingly cute.