Sunday, 16 October 2022

Going down

Well, I've decided to drop back down to my old dose of antidepressants, as I now suspect that this higher one is what's making me go or feel out of control. Think I'll avoid booze while this is going on too, so I've just swapped whiskey on tomorrow's shopping order for the ingredients to make a curry.

I'd rather miss my friend and be on the right dose, than not feel anything at all.

We shall see. 

P.S. The curry is one I've not tried yet - chicken and sweet potato. I'll let you know how it goes.

Riding in vans with boys

So more epic week-long benders. More me not caring.


I’m generally a pretty nihilistic person, more in terms of a belief system than a feeling but, now, nihilism seems to have permeated my very pores.


I don’t feel particularly sad or anxious, I’m just back feeling like I’m standing in a desert without a map, a compass or a single drop of water on my person. That’s why I went back on antidepressants a few years ago, to get rid of that feeling. Somehow it’s punched through the wall of medication and latched onto my brain again.


I had my first telephone consultation with a mental health worker last week, which went well. I was very emotionally drained afterwards, but that was perfectly understandable. I’m opening up more about my drinking, even to the point of asking for help, but then I wonder “Oh what’s the point?!”. I mean, I’m 42 and still having the same problems I was having when I was 11. I’d have gotten drunk then, if only I knew about booze. Anyway, they’re going to call again this coming Tuesday, so I’ll have a chat with them about my deepening despair then. If that’s what I want to call it.


I’ve been back out to the pub, often much later than usual and already a little tipsy. I’m concerned the staff have noticed the change in my behaviour and may ban me for my own good. I don’t think they have noticed though, or would even think to ban me. I’m always in a good mood when I’m in there and seem to have a laugh and a joke with everyone. I’m even wondering whether one of the owners likes me. You know, LIKES-me likes me. She hung around a lot longer than usual the other day, and seemed keen to ask me about myself. Who knows. She’s married but, well, that doesn’t stop some people.


There’s a gay male customer who has taken an interest in me too, which I can’t quite wrap my head around. I think he’s just that type of sociable person, so I’m trying not to get too excited about it. He gave me a lift home in his van the other day, but nothing happened. I was pretty drunk and assumed he wouldn’t want to take advantage of me. He did work at the pub for a brief period, but then got fired. Apparently he got fired and was refused a reference because he couldn’t get a reference from his last job, which has made me suspicious. The staff still seem to like him though, so who knows.


I’m in such a strange place in my life. I guess friends leaving town, for one reason or another, has gotten me feeling the way I was feeling fifteen years ago, which I now believe was one of the causes for my meltdown at the time. I’m truly alone here now, so I feel like I’m grasping at straws to fill the loneliness. I feel out of control, as I’m certainly no expert in socialising. I don’t know who to trust, but I’m throwing myself at people anyway. I’m really concerned that something bad is on the horizon, but not in a melodramatic way.


I’m just spiralling into an abyss of uncertainty, and I am absolutely terrified.

Tuesday, 4 October 2022

Benders

So my drinking binges, or benders, have been getting more severe lately. I'm guessing the increased intake is due to my post-friend-dying nihilism. All this life nonesense does seem rather pointless now but, hey, at least I can party a bit before maybe just not waking up one day, like she did.

I've been avoiding going out since I realised I was going overboard. I was going to the pub maybe three times a week, getting completely paralytic, then just carrying on the next day. After a normal binge, I only have to deal with an immediate hangover. These, as I'm sure you're all aware, only last a day or so but, especially with my moving to whiskey, I've even started feeling addicted to alcohol. This only takes a couple of extra days to overcome but, well, it all adds up.

I'm sober now, amazingly, and feeling quite productive. I've been practicing my guitar and watching new movies, but I'm still feeling that need to go out and forget about everything. Or just feel nothing. Or at least a sense of emotional stability.

I think I have an appointment with a mental health worker coming up, so I'll talk to them about what's been going on.

Speaking of productivity, I've decided to start a creative writing blog. Just a serialised story I came up with last night. Well, it's been partially-gestating for a while, but it all came together whilst I was lying in bed waiting to go to sleep. I was so moved by the tale that I almost brought myself to tears. That's got to be a good sign, right?

Anyway, it's tentatively titled "Pontoon Railway", and you can find it here:

Pontoon Railway - A Story

I'll be updating it randomly and at different lengths, so each post isn't technically a "chapter" per se. I guess I'll just stop each time on a cliffhanger, as one does with serialised stories.

Always keep them wanting more!

Not sure what I'm going to do for the rest of the day today. Maybe go out and get drunk. You know, for a change.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Monday, 26 September 2022

Fame at last

Last night I put in another order to have a custom guitar built for me and the company just rang me, as they do, to confirm some of the customisation options. After going through each of our lists, he asked if I wanted to come down to pick it up in person, as they like to meet people who regularly buy from them. I'm very flattered, as I'm sure they get some very cool people showing up, but I'd probably be a major disappointment to them. Plus I don't like to travel anymore, what with my eyesight and all.

Anyway, I just fancied saying something about it, as it feels pretty cool to have somebody show an interest in me. Smallest violin in the world playing just for me, right?

Oh, I've just had to call the police, as there's a crazy guy outside shouting nonsensically. He's probably on drugs or something, but I'm concerned about his safety, so I thought I'd do, well, something.

That's all for now. Just a quick one today!

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Thursday, 22 September 2022

Gathering my thoughts and strength

So I've calmed down a little since yesterday. I have missed some brain medicine, hence the extra emotional instability. I ended up having a few beers and a takeaway after I posted, which chilled me out. I didn't overdo it, for a change. I have been binging a lot lately though.

I'm hoping to head out tomorrow to pick up my prescription, but I also have a parcel arriving, so we shall just have to see. I really don't want to miss anymore tablets, as I'm getting those horrid metallic dizzy spells I usually get when accidentally withdrawing.

I'm still experiencing grief due to my ex dying plus, if you factor in having to deal with eBay oddballs, then you get an extra-stressed Jim. The eBay purchase finally arrived today (although I've not opened it yet), so at least that mess is out of the way. I hope.

It's just been little things here and there that keep cropping up that has led to my extra stress. And, of course, my ill-advised attempt to get back into social media. I did warn people that my returning may only be temporary, so I hope I won't have to explain myself to everyone. Not that they'll notice I'm gone, of course.

I'm typing this on my new Apple MacBook, by the way. I finally got round to leaving Microsoft, which was a rational decision, and certainly not because I lost my temper with my old Windows machine.

Errr...

But, yes, I'm liking the efficiency of my Apple machine, although it is taking some getting used to. I did use Microsoft for over thirty years, after all. I need to explore it more, as I'm not sure whether there's an official word processing program on here, or whether it's just Notes. I still have my paid annual subscription to Microsoft Office to cancel but, if they do a version for OS, maybe I'll keep it. Hmmm. I was feeling inspired to write today, but I may actually just do that here. You know, start a separate blog and publish a serialised story, Dickens-style. Not sure who'd read it though.

I've just bought a new amplifier online too. It's collection only, but the guitar shop isn't too far from where I get my medication, so I'll try to kill to birds with one stone, as they say.

Well, I best get to bed. I may have lots to do tomorrow. I'm currently watching 30 Rock in bed, which is a great comfort watch.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!



Wednesday, 21 September 2022

Another sad retreat into isolation

I've nervously been dipping my toe back into Facebook and Twitter, hence me not posting here for ages, but it's all gone disastrously.

Surprised? No, me neither.

I'm feeling very tearful. I seem so adept at rubbing people the wrong way and losing friends. Even virtual friends. Virtual friends I haven't even made yet.

I'm going to stay in and stay off for a while. Limit my contact with the outside world.

Just me and single player video games, DVDs and guitars.

This world is not for me, so I shall create my own.

Everything is just terrible.

And it will only get worse.



Monday, 11 July 2022

Summer grumbling

Well, summer has finally arrived. I’ve dug out my system of towels to mop up the constant perspiration, which is bad even on a good day. I think it just runs in the family, as my blood pressure isn’t particularly high. I remember dad used to overheat too. I think it’s my thick, part-Canadian skin that’s the problem. I’m built for living on snowy mountaintops, not sun-bleached concrete council estates. So, yes, there’s not much to do in this weather, except sit as still as possible and hope for a breeze. I can play guitar effectively later in the evening, but during the day I’m just too sticky.

I’ve not drank since Thursday, by which point I’d been drunk for seven days straight. It seems to have knocked the grief out of me for now, but I was getting very bored. I’m not a high-functioning alcoholic. I randomly took a taxi down to the pub really late last-last Sunday evening, and accidentally stumbled upon the birthday barbeque bash of the bar manager. I got dragged in and hugged a lot, which was nice. It made me feel less lonely. Although, well, it’s a mild concern that I didn’t get an invite in the first place, but I’ll try not to dwell on that.

I’ve started thinking seriously about upgrading my living conditions. I need shelves and tables, basically. I’m slowly being pushed out by musical equipment, and I can’t take it anymore. Sadly, I’m not a very practical sort of fellow, so I’m taking the planning process very slowly. I did give my number to a handyman in the pub, but I’ve not heard anything since. I also gave my number to a guy who had a bookcase to give away, but I’ve not heard anything since. Sigh. I haven’t cleaned in a while, which is made difficult by all the clutter. I’m hoping that, once I can move stuff up from off the ground, I can finally give the place a much-much-much-needed once over. We shall see.

I’m feeling pretty low today, which means I’m fighting off the desire to go drinking. Like I said, it’s hard to do anything else in this heat really. Maybe I should order a crate of beer or head down to the pub, after I’ve posted this.

So, yeah, just more whingings from a disabled, alcoholic, depressed, lonely, middle-aged nerd. The reasons for me to not be here anymore are really stacking up. I think the note will be very short, something along the lines of: “Do you really need me to tell you why?!”. Good times.

I've spent a bit more than usual on the lottery this week, so you never know.

Well, I best go scrub up and figure out what to do with the rest of the day. The possibilities are endless: stay sober, or go get drunk.

Feels great to be alive.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Tuesday, 28 June 2022

"I walk so that I don't let me stay in pain"

Well, I’ve tried to find something else to say other than how sad I am of late but, alas, I’ve drawn a blank. Literally. So, here I am, after two months of silence, prepared to indulge in a little self-pitying. I apologise in advance. Feel free to leave at this point.

Anyway, I’ve been very up and down since my ex and best friend passed away. When I’m sober, I have panic attacks and moments of abyssal sadness and despair. When I’m drunk, well, when I’m drunk I cope a bit better, which is worrying. Usually I like being sober, which is why I binge drink. I like to get the drunkenness out of the way in one go and as quickly as possible, so that then I can go back to my sober hobbies. But now… now… I kinda hate being sober. So, not only have I been too sad to type anything, but I’ve also been to drunk.

Although, saying that, I have managed to get some music recording done. It does actually help battle the depression to keep myself busy but, sometimes, the motivation to get started is hard to come by. I’m doing simple, short instrumental tracks, with titles inspired by all the history audiobooks/lectures I’ve been listening to. Here’s the first one I completed last week:

I’m trying to take things a bit slower this time, as my attempts last year were very scrappy and demoralising. If it takes a month to do one tack well, then that’s still better than racing to get one done in a week and being put off recording for another year. I’ve been inspired to get going by a couple of lo-fi alternative dream pop bands, Galaxie 500 and So Sue Me, who I’m just full-on addicted to right now. I recommend Galaxie’s “Don’t Let Our Youth Go to Waste” and So Sue Me’s “No Real Place”. I just get giddy when the latter starts plying.

As predicted, the criminally insane sister of my ex didn’t want any funeral or to see anyone regarding her sister’s death, mainly because she’s psychotically paranoid, so friends and other family members are apparently having a memorial this Friday. In a church, no less. My ex was two steps shy of falling into Christianity herself, I think, so I don’t think she’d disapprove too much, but I know she wanted a hippie-dippy woodland burial/scattering type of thing. I’ve told people this, but they haven’t listened. Plus, some of my ex’s friends are religious, and they seem to have appointed themselves in charge of things, as self-righteous arseholes usually do. Needless to say, I won't be attending. I was going to do my own thing and go to one of me and my ex’s favourite holiday destinations and lay a wreath somewhere, but the complexities of travelling just overwhelmed me, so those plans are on indefinite hiatus. What with my eyesight deteriorating all the time, plus my anxiety/depression, plus the fact that, even without the pandemic, I have become a bit of a shut-in, going further than down the road to my regular pub has become something of an ordeal. My ex used to help me with all that but, well, not anymore.

So that’s about it, really. Well, it’s not, but that’s all I have the energy to say right now. Maybe I’ll do part two later in the week. But, basically, what little botheration I ever had has officially been kicked in the balls, and I’m emotionally and mentally curled up on the floor just waiting for the pain to go away. If it ever will.

Good times.

Do stay in touch, darlings, and don’t let your youth go to waste.

Toodles!

Saturday, 23 April 2022

A different world

Well, it’s Saturday morning, and I think I’m finally sober. I’ve been drunk for the best part of two weeks now, which I’ve become worryingly used to. I did have a three day dry spell, but that ended when I went down to the pub on Tuesday. I just needed to get out and see people, whoever it was. So, shock-horror, I went down to my regular pub, which I haven’t been to in a couple of months. Their Facebook said they would be open at midday, but when I turned up fifteen minutes after noon, their imposing main door was shut and bolted. Luckily, because I’m a proper alcoholic, I had their number stored in my phone. Double-lucky, a member of staff I’m friendly with answered the phone, so she let me in early, which was cool. I got to see them setting up before their official opening time, which was like peeking behind the curtain at the Great and Powerful Oz. They make it look so easy! Anyway, I actually asked the two members of staff setting up, who know me very well, whether I’d done anything to annoy anyone, as I was getting bad vibes the last time I was in there, and they said they hadn’t heard anything. There’s definitely one regular who hates my guts, and may have been turning a new member of staff against me, but I think I accept that now. I’ll just be sarcastic to him from now on. Prick.

Some people you just can’t win over, I guess.

So that ended my three days of sobriety. I think I’ll leave it today, even though I have a few beers left over. I’ve pretty much drank myself sober, which is apparently a thing. Or, at least, it is now.

I called my dad Wednesday night. I think. We had a nice, long catch-up. He’s apparently been very paranoid about catching Covid, still shutting himself in more than usual, so he’s been appreciating people giving him a call. Odd really, as he’s never been particularly bothered about stuff like that since I’ve known him (all my life, if you can believe it). Maybe it’s his age. I was a bit annoyed that he hadn’t called me after hearing my ex had died (he knew her pretty well), but whatever. I think his girlfriend keeps him under the thumb, so he’s reluctant to ring out. Sad, really.

All in all, I think I’ve passed through all the main stages of grieving. I can’t say I liked being sober for those three days last weekend, which is why I feel off the wagon so easily. I’ll probably try staying dry now until… well… the next time.

I’ve heard nothing regarding a funeral or wake or anything ex-girlfriend-death related. Even though I went out with her for nine years, I doubt I’ll be invited or even told about stuff like that. Sigh. Me and a friend are casually planning a road trip together to do our own little personal goodbye, so you might see some YouTube clips from that in the coming months. I’d call her a “mutual friend” of my ex’s, but I guess she’s just my friend now.

I did try sending a voice message to my gaming buddy about what happened, but I think that must have failed to send, as he’s not reacted to it at all. Unless he just doesn’t know what to say, so he’s not said anything. We did game together last Friday, where he was being very argumentative and racist, so I’m not sure I want to speak to him again. He’s really growing up to be quite a grotesquely ignorant individual. You’ll notice I haven’t uploaded any clips from that gaming session. I was still in shock about the ex passing, and my gaming buddy’s nasty behaviour was battering me senseless. I don’t think I pressed “Record Game Footage” once.

I did chat to my guitar guru finally. I drunkenly left a message on one of his YT videos asking him to call, as I’d deleted his contact in my phone, and he actually called! Mind. Blown. He’s a very sweet guy, but prone to temper tantrums. I’m still not sure why we hadn’t chatted in months, although I did wonder whether he was pulling some sort of power trip (making me contact him first), but I’m too tired to bother thinking about that shit anymore.

Everything feels so trivial now. I haven’t played guitar in ages. Doing anything constructive just seems pointless. I just want to sit getting drunk and watching Parks and Recreation, which I technically do quite a lot anyway, but now on a full-time, permanent basis. Still, I’ll try to make this the last post where I talk about this, as there’s nothing worse that somebody droning on about grief.

Right, let’s do Saturday.

Bah humbug.

Thursday, 14 April 2022

A friend at peace

So they finally returned to redeliver my shopping at 8 pm. It was a lovely young man who came. I think he was expecting me to be ranting and raving, but I just blamed myself. Probably because I was to blame.

Anyway, I settled down to some beers and texting a mutual friend of my ex, who mentioned that my ex hadn’t been returning messages. I tried sending one and called her mobile and house numbers, but she didn’t answer. None of this was totally unusual behaviour, as she does usually have an annual meltdown around this time of year. These meltdowns often lead to friends having to go banging on her door, so we weren’t too worried. The next morning the mutual friend rang with the worlds “It’s not good news, I’m afraid”, at which point my stomach sank. Another mutual friend, a doctor, who I think had a key to my ex’s house, found my ex collapsed on the floor. It doesn’t look like suicide, apparently; more like one of the many medical conditions she suffered from. Being just the ex-boyfriend who hadn’t been in touch in a while, I assume I’ll be the last to know about anything from now on, but that’s ok. I don’t think I’d be able to cope with arranging anything. Her sister detests me, so I’m guessing that, should there be some sort of funeral, I’ll be strictly forbidden from attending. Public ceremonies aren’t really my cup of tea anyway, so I’ve started thinking about a way of saying goodbye on my own, maybe taking a trip somewhere we both visited together and laying some flowers. She liked flowers.

It's odd knowing she’s not around anymore. She cared a lot about so many things, and affected so many lives. The world just won’t be the same without her.

I hope she’s at peace now, as life always seemed so hard for her. She also missed her mother and grandfather, who both died over a decade ago. Her heart was always in the past, and her happiness was with people who were no longer here.

I hope she’s with them now, and finally happy.

Here's a picture of the two of us, I think taken around 2009ish. While I feature more prominently, I certainly didn't mean for it to be like that. It's cute though, right?



Wednesday, 13 April 2022

Death

 My ex passed away.

I don't know how i feel.

I guess I feel everything.

And nothing.

I don't know.

Monday, 11 April 2022

A nap too far

I think I eventually fell asleep around 4 am.

I then awoke an hour before my grocery delivery slot, turning off my alarm, which was set for half an hour later, as I did.

I then awoke once again an hour after my delivery slot.

Sigh.

Well, nobody tried to call my phone, even though the supermarket said they had. The “persistent knocking” was clearly not loud enough to wake me, which is odd, as I’m not a particularly heavy sleeper. Part of me wonders whether they just got the wrong building or something. That happens a lot around here. Or, just maybe, whatever it is that’s been getting me down lately is what made me sleep through the delivery. I feel such a fool, but I guess these things do happen. The driver will apparently try to redeliver sometime this afternoon, but I know neither when nor, erm, well, that’s kind of it. So I thought I’d type this as I wait, to placate my guilty conscience.

I’m also watching Isle of Dogs, part of my impromptu Wes Anderson season. His films form part of my “happy place”, that I go to when I’m extra depressed. I’ve also included into my happy place the lectures on ancient Egypt, the act of listening to which I now refer to as “a Bob Brier hug”. I don’t know why, but he just calms me down. I also just noticed that Wes Anderson’s The French Dispatch is now available to stream, so I’m tempted to watch it this afternoon, rather than wait any longer for the physical release. Perhaps I should just rent it. The film’s theatrical release was delayed interminably due to the pandemic, so I’m very keen to finally experience it.

Funnily enough, my neighbour “slept” through someone knocking on his door as well. I opened mine and inquired who the person knocking was after, just in case it was my delivery, but it was definitely for my neighbour. A while later, once I’d heard my neighbour return from one of his fifty trips in-and-out the building an hour, I knocked on his door and informed him that he’d missed the knocking. He said he’d done it on purpose, as he was avoiding the council repair people. Who knows why. My neighbour is cute, in a “rough trade” kind of way. I have elaborate sexual fantasies about him, which I guess is pretty sad. Or normal. I can’t tell anymore.

I didn’t end up recording any music last night, opting instead for staying in bed listening to my history lectures. I keep making notes of interesting phrases I hear as potential titles for instrumental tracks. Maybe some day I’ll actually get around to recording one of them.

Nobody else has been in touch today, but that’s no surprise. Is there something going on that I don’t know about? I fear soon I will utter the two saddest words in the English language:

“What party?!”

Anyway, I best go finish Isle of Dogs, so I’m not wasting electricity on keeping it paused.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Sunday, 10 April 2022

The present in past tense

For whatever reason, I have felt moved to write another post only a day or so after the last. Perhaps it’s because my low mood persists, so I need to get stuff off my chest. I haven’t really got anything emotional to open up about, as my depression is medical-related, but just talking to someone about random events might help.

I didn’t go out to the pub today, as sort-of/sort-of-not planned. Instead, I ate a lot of junk food and had two major naps. Most of the day has been spent lying on my bed either watching sitcoms or listening to history lectures. I listened to a lot of the ancient Mesopotamia one today. I’ve got so many lectures on the go that relate to ancient Mediterranean civilisations that it’s fun to find them overlapping. It’s actually a good way of jogging your memory about what you’ve already learned. But, yes, I was very low energy today and just couldn’t face the outside world. Who knows how I’ll feel tomorrow.

Due to my two naps, I’m not entirely sure what time I’ll get to sleep tonight. I had a strong coffee and two caffeinated cola drinks around 8 pm, so goodness knows. Maybe I should set up some music recording tracks. You know, curfew-friendly ones that don’t involve making ambient noise to upset sleeping neighbours. As if anyone cares about that sorta stuff around here anyway.

I’m just updating my grocery shopping cart for tomorrow morning’s delivery. I just put in an order when I’ve ran out of milk, basically. I’ve added booze, although that’s more to make staggering back from the pub a lighter task. I’m pretty sure I’ll be going down to one at some point this week. If you can believe it, I still haven’t quite figured out the logistics of all the crap on my personal admin to do list. Whatever I decide to do, I need to do it quick, as rubbish is piling up in my kitchen. It seems I need an excuse to go past the wheelie bins downstairs, as I’m too shy/scared to do it just randomly.

What a life.

The route I take may go something like this: first taxi > drop off prescription > same taxi > pub > second taxi > guitar shop > third taxi > home. There’s a reason why disabled people get paid for, erm, being disabled. I’m using buses less and less since I noticed my eye condition had dropped another major step. I’ve lost a lot of confidence, and having to stay in due to the pandemic certainly hasn’t helped.

Actually, with the amount of alcohol I’ve just added to my order, I may just stay in and skip the whole week entirely. I’ll see how I feel.

I’m finding I’m not able to play the video game I usually play at the moment. If you’ve seen my YouTube channel, you’ll notice I play a lot of Rainbow Six: Siege, which is a multiplayer game. Sadly, even though it’s meant to be a team versus team game, your biggest enemies are often players on your own team, which has finally gotten to me this week. The cruelty that people show to one another is also upsetting. I know it’s just a game and none of it is real, but it still gets me down when people are unpleasant, sometimes for incredibly petty reasons. So, yeah, I think I’ll take a break from playing until I feel strong enough to head “back in”. If I’m hungover, then I definitely won’t be playing.

You find me here nearly at my most self-destructive. I’m sure, if I left it, I’ll be fine in a day or two but, like Sherlock Holmes, boredom and emotional fragility drives me to substance abuse. Then again, Sherlock Holmes isn’t actually real, so I probably shouldn’t use that as some sort of justification.

Sigh.

Nobody’s been in touch today at all, but I’m pretty sure I’m to blame for that. It’s just been me and ancient civilisations. And what have I learned? That people have been crappy to one another. For millennia.

Some things never change.

At least my boiler is fixed now. Did I mention that previously? So, yeah, my boiler stopped working which, considering I’ve started having baths (that require hot water form the boiler), was a bit of a problem. I had to have showers for a few days, which just reminded me to keep having baths. It’s a grim experience standing there under a dribble of lukewarm water. Never again. Unless I can’t help it. Thankfully, the repair people came out within a couple of days. It was the water pressure, apparently. They were gone within about half an hour. A nice pair of lads.

Oh, as well as non-fiction history books, I’ve started reading the novel “A God Against the Gods”, by Allen Drury, which is a novel about the whole Akhenaten heresy in ancient Egypt. I thought I was alone in finding that whole era fascinating, even going so far as to plan my own fictional work, but it seems that there’s an ocean of stuff out there about it.

It's always nice to find out your ideas are about as unique as yet another new celebrity panel quiz show.

Did that work? It felt like it did. Oh well.

Anyway, for what feels like a forgotten work (none of the reference resources I’ve looked at recommend it), the book is actually very well researched and written, so I’m looking forward to continuing. It’s written in first person, from different points of view, sort of like the film All About Eve. Only a book. Erm… so yeah.

Righty, folks, I think I’ve ran out of things to say, and I didn’t have much to say in the first place. I’ll try and update you asap on my emotional rollercoaster. If I do get blind stinking drunk tomorrow, don’t expect another post for about a week. You probably get the drill by now anyway.

Good times.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Saturday, 9 April 2022

The bitch is back

When you’re in the moment, bad times, as well as good, seem like they will last forever. But, with hindsight, fortune undulates quite significantly. As do people. We are, by nature, neither wholly good, nor bad. We are just fragile entities fighting against the pain of existence.

Poetic, huh?

I’m in a sombre mood today, so all my creativity is spilling out rather uncontrollably. I could do with this during the week, when I actually have time to be creative. Well, I have time now but, well, my bath is running. Anyway, I think being shut in with the flu for a couple of weeks has left me suffering from rather severe cabin fever, so I’m seriously considering popping out to the pub tomorrow. I did get stinking drunk at home the other day, but when do I not?! Even when the major symptoms of the flu had subsided, I was left feeling weak and battle-scarred, so a trip out was rather unappealing to me. Maybe I should do Monday instead. I keep feeling as though I have an appointment for something coming up, but I don’t. Yeah, I may wait till Monday. I need to post my repeat prescription too, so I’ll do that on the way down.

Mother called the other day. It was an odd conversation. While I’ve never truly seen her as one who is fully “all there”, she is now definitely losing her marbles. She must be the only person in their 70s to not enjoy talking to people, especially their children. I think we spoke for all of five minutes until I was summarily dismissed. She. Called. Me. Anyway, she repeated herself multiple times and never seemed completely sure who she was talking to, so whatever. Oh well, it happens to the best of us. She’s never been the warmest person in the world, bringing to mind Leonard’s mother in The Big Bang Theory (played by the fabulous Christine Baranski, no less), so this new decent into deeper detachment makes me want to be in touch even less. I keep expecting a “Mum’s died” text from my brother. It’ll come any day now, I’m sure.

Believe me, she is not a nice person, with whom I share a worrying amount of things in common. Sigh.

Oh I snapped and bought yet another new guitar the other day. Fender have released a whole new model called the “Meteora”. It’s sort of like a Jazzmaster, but the offset body is more pronounced. In fact, it’s more like an upside-down Gibson Explorer. It ticked many boxes of guitars I was planning on getting, so I just couldn’t resist it. I’m very pleased with it indeed, and haven’t regretted the purchase one bit.

Speaking of guitars, the one I booked in for repair the day I had that bad fall is now ready for collection, so maybe… oh… wait… maybe I should fit that into my pub day. Or something. Ok, now I’m confused. I’ll have to rethink everything now. Sigh. Why is life so complicated?!

There’s a surprising amount of admin involved in just wanting to get drunk and play guitar.

There’s still been no word form my guitar guru, but I’m leaving that in his hands. I’ve deleted his mobile number, along with my gaming buddy’s, so I don’t bother either of them when I’m having episodes of extreme depression/consumption. Unless I get post a message on their YouTube channels, of course.

I’m in sporadic touch with the ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend’s friend. She’s really sweet, although we don’t have a great deal in common. I think she’s as ditsy as me, so her friendship is quite comforting. At least someone doesn’t know me well enough to want to stay away.

My thumb seems to have almost entirely healed now. I can feel a little scarring or flaky skin, but the pain has gone completely. Basically, I don’t have to worry about catching it on something now, and I’m totally back on the guitar practice wagon.

I’ve decided to stop watching Modern Family at last. To give it some credit, it didn’t start getting bad until Season 8, when the actors started looking like well-paid Hollywood TV stars, rather than their characters. Plus storylines started being repeated, which is a big no-no. Ty Burrell, who I didn’t like at first, seemed to be the only one keeping it together by the end. I’d love to see him in more stuff. The show had “a good innings” though, as they say. Twice as long as my usual sitcom series quality cap of four seasons. Kudos to the producers for keeping it tight for as long as they did.

I finally managed to masturbate the other day. I’m still not feeling terribly amorous, but I thought it’d be good for my health. I may try again today, in the hope that it will chill me out a bit. I really could do with a shag (yes, British people do actually say “shag” unironically). I even went so far as to download Grindr yesterday, although I’ve still not set up a profile. My phone was being weird. Perhaps, if I get a profile all ready by the time I head out to the pub, I can have a nice romantic encounter with a stranger in the toilets. Bless.

Right, on that graphic note, I think I shall bid you adieu. I have history books to read and Arrested Development to have playing in the background as I do so.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

P.S. The title of my last post is meant to be the Latin for “limp man”. I was dubious at first, but the ridiculously long translation of the word “limp” sold me on it.

P.P.S Don’t worry, I had my bath halfway through writing this, so it hasn’t overflowed or anything.

Saturday, 2 April 2022

Homo claudicationem

My illness is still lingering, which I’m now pretty sure is the flu. It feels too nose/snot-related to be, erm, the other thing. Still, I’m staying indoors and trying not to move about much, mainly because I can’t do much else. I definitely feel worse in the mornings, such as now as I type, but the evenings make me feel a pinch of positivity.

My lips are hurting today, but that may have more to do with the ambient temperature than whatever-it-is that has befallen my frail, but still bootylicious, body. It did finally snow the other day, but it was shockingly all rained away by sundown. Speaking of which, I think the clocks have gone forward, so that means I don’t have a pub curfew anymore. Well, once I’m strong enough to venture out to the pub, that is. I did actually get super-drunk at home on Tuesday, which made me feel a hell of a lot better. Well, until the next morning, of course. I started drinking so early that I ordered a Chinese takeaway delivery at lunchtime, which always feels weird to do. Takeaways just seem like an evening thing. I’ve done the same in the past, and always expect the delivery person to be all like “Dude, what is up with your life?!”. Hopefully, the sight of the council estate where I live should explain it al to them. Anyway, the hangover was over by the end of Wednesday, but I can hardly tell the difference. I’ve ordered some flu medicine with my shopping (that should arrive in an hour or so), so fingers-crossed that helps a little.

I’ve just realised I haven’t masturbated in almost a week, which I put down to my illness. It’s hard to feel sexual when you’re blowing your nose and coughing. Good times. I’ll probably break a window when I finally get round to it. There must be quite a build-up down there.

Aren’t you glad you visit here?

My old gaming buddy seems to be quietening off again, if that’s at all possible, so I’ve decided to delete him from my contacts. For his benefit, really, as I don’t want to pester anyone. Plus, if I do get drunk again soon, I’ll probably send a petulant text whinging about not getting enough attention. I don’t wanna be THAT person.

There’s been no word from my guitar guru either, so it’s pretty quiet around here.

The pigeons swoop down to my balcony every day for a chat though.

Sweet Jesus, has it come to that?

Did I mention they’d sorted the flooding problem out? That was February, so I must have. But, yes, they built a scaffold up to next door’s balcony to remove the collection of junk they’d thrown out there, thus unblocking the communal drain, thus stopping my balcony flooding, thus stopping the leak into downstairs, thus me not getting assholes knocking on my door about it anymore.

For someone who’s unemployed and has no friends and rarely speaks to their family, I just can’t seem to get a minute’s peace around here. Renting a council flat is nearly a full time job.

Slight exaggeration there, but you know what I mean.

Oh, actually, I forgot to mention that, on top of the flu, I managed to split my thumb open about a week ago. I was searching through my miscellaneous cutlery drawer for a spatula and discovered, the hard way, that my vegetable peeler is razor sharp. I was in the middle of doing, like, four things at once in the kitchen too, so I really could have done without my hand pouring blood at the same time. It seems obvious, but you’d be amazed how much primates use their opposable thumbs that set them apart from every other species on the planet. You really do miss one when you’re desperately avoiding contact with it. The biggest issue with this injury has been playing guitar. You don’t use your left thumb to hold down strings much (maybe the bass E now and then), but you do put a lot of pressure on it whilst pressing down with your other fingers, therefore I was unable to play for days. But, hey, what with the flu and all, I wasn’t in much of a mood to do so anyway.

I’m in a bit of a state.

Luckily, a misanthropic shut-in like myself still has the internet to vaguely keep them company. I went through and added to my library all the history lectures that are free with membership to Audible, so I’ve got those to work on (should my illness linger). Plus video games and movies blah blah blah. You know the drill.

I’m still enjoying Modern Family, although it’s definitely gotten a bit creaky. The thing with Phil and the ducks was just weird, and I’m surprised the writers of Friends didn’t sue. I got the feeling that even the actors were baffled by it all. The ducks are gone now though, so we’re moving on.

Is it just me, or does Phil only show houses for sale on his own street?! You’d think there’d be a broader scope of properties in the vast Los Angeles area, for goodness sake.

Well, I think I’m done here, folks. I just thought I’d drop a few words to lessen my sense of isolation. It’s not too fun being alone when you’re ill. Now I know why Dracula was such a cranky bastard. Is? I don’t know, I never finished the book.

Anyway, I best go listen out for the supermarket delivery person. I hope they send a cute boy today, just to brighten my mood. Wish me luck!

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Tuesday, 29 March 2022

Weakness

I’m not sure what’s wrong with me, but I think it’s the flu. I woke up with a sore throat yesterday, then proceeded to feel rough all over until I crashed on the bed. Things have just gotten worse since then. I’ve just had to get up early for a grocery delivery but, had that not been due, I’d probably have stayed in bed until… erm… what month is it? Anyway, I did want to go out for a drink yesterday, as it’s supposed to snow this week, but I cancelled due to this. I’m glad I did, as it clearly wasn’t a false alarm. I was keen to get out for some “fresh air” before potentially being shut in for ages but, well, you’ve got to chose your battles sometimes. The grocery order was meant to be the second best to going out: a shitload of beer. While I’m not really in the mood to drink now, I still may, as there’s the very real chance the combination of the flu and alcohol may kill me. Not that I’m feeling melodramatic or anything. Alas!

Oh, it took me less than twenty-four hours after my last post to snap and buy a new acoustic guitar. It’s a brand I’ve never heard of before, but it was the right body shape, finish, price point and the demos on YouTube left me in tears. Good tears, of course. Plus I wanted something unique. It’s a beautiful instrument, although I may change the strings to something lighter, as they’re pretty hardcore. I’ve found the type that are on my Gibson acoustic, so I’ll try ordering some of those. They’re only, like, a fiver, which is great. I thought they’d be fifty quid or something. Crazy days.

So, yes, I’m managing to burn through that back-payment pretty quickly. It’ll probably all be gone by my birthday, but at least I won’t get used to having a sense of financial security for too long. That isn’t the way for a poor disabled homo to feel.

I’m writing this post as I really can’t decide what to do with myself. Should I continue gaming in my pjs (actually just an old t-shirt), or take a bath and maybe start drinking. Sigh. Why is life so complicated?! This paragraph should go at the top of the post, but I’m too sick to copy-paste stuff around.

I’m onto Season 7 of Modern Family now, and still laughing! I have a rule/theory that most sitcoms start getting unwatchable around the fifth season, but this is still working for me. I have three rules a sitcom shouldn’t break: don’t change the core concept AKA situation of your SITUATION comedy (otherwise you may as well just start a new show with a different title); always stay true to the characters (when your actors stop trying and just start doing whatever they want, you’ve got problems); and keep it FUNNY and LIGHT-HEARTED (resorting to births, deaths and marriages is the stuff of soap operas, not comedy). SEE: Red Dwarf for the first point, Friends for the second, and Will & Grace for the third. Thankfully though, Modern Family is avoiding most of my no-nos, although the inclusion of a cute dog and a new baby is pushing the third one a bit.

Golly, I’m getting very profound for someone who feels like they’re about to keel over.

And I’ve not even started drinking.

Yet.

I finished all the stops in the Assassin’s Creed: Origins educational Discovery Tour, so I’m onto the one set in ancient Greece now. Should “ancient” have a capital A? Who knows. Anyway, I’m also downloading the Viking one, so that’ll all keep me busy for a while. Speaking of which, I also bought the complete series boxset of Vikings, which is the usual modern grimdark bollocks, but it’s something to watch, I guess. I do need to expand my pallet a bit.

I’m still in text communication with my old gaming buddy, but unfortunately we’re still on the maybe-once-a-month gaming schedule. If I upload a bunch of clips to YouTube of us both chatting, that’ll just be from about two hours of gameplay. And that’s it. Oh well.

Speaking of gaming, I got really upset the other day when, due to another gamer accidentally having his microphone on, I overheard a mother screaming verbal abuse at her daughter, which I felt crossed the line. The mother sounded just awful. Anyway, after briefly hesitating (and texting a couple of friends to ask if I should), I saved the gameplay footage and sent it to the police. They do say that you should report it if you overhear domestic abuse going on but, as you can probably guess, the police just got back to me to say that there was nothing they could do. I spent the rest of the day in bed, due to feeling disturbed by what I’d heard and powerless to help someone. It’s made the world a little darker for me. I just don’t get people anymore. I’ve uploaded the clip to YouTube, although it’s set to Unlisted, so you can only watch it if you have a direct link to it, such as below. Warning: it’s very upsetting, but apparently not upsetting enough for the police to do anything about.

And, yes, that is my voice at the end asking the player if they're alright. They never replied.

I feel like I should type something more uplifting to lighten the mood. I’m breaking one of my sitcom rules here, aren’t I?

Urgh, no, I’ve got nothing. I think I’m gonna go run my bath before drinking away how miserable everything is all the time. Then maybe order some Chinese food. I do like grilled dumplings.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Sunday, 20 March 2022

Contemporary Strangers

Two major life-changing events have happened to me since my last post: I finally got my act together and bought a new washing machine, and I’ve started and finished a twelve-hour history lecture on ancient Mesopotamia.

Things will never be the same again.

Well, by that hyperbole I mean that my flat will smell better and, erm, something relevant about the Middle East. Still, it’s nice to finally have clean sheets and clothes and towels. It’s the little things.

I cancelled that acoustic guitar order, as I really was annoyed how at long it took them to inform me it was out of stock. It was a mistake they’d made, and they should have called me on the phone immediately to give me other options, not leave it three days until late on a Friday afternoon to tell me by email I’d have to wait a few months. That’s not acceptable. When I ordered my new washing machine from a local, independent electrical company (who I assume are busier than a music shop), they rang me by the end of the day to confirm my order and discuss delivery. They didn’t have to, as I’d put in the order at about 1630 that afternoon, so I wasn’t expecting any contact from them until the next day. Now that’s customer service. Luckily, that music shop hadn’t taken any money off me yet, so it’s all cool. I bought an electric guitar from a trusted supplier instead. Suckers!

Speaking of bad customer service, I’ve missed nearly a week of antidepressants and diabetes medication due to how slow my pharmacy works these days. To give myself some credit, I did try ringing them every day this week, but they either didn’t answer, or just hung up on me. I’m getting pretty bad withdrawal symptoms now from both tablets, including the battery acid dizziness from the antidepressants. I also nearly cried during an episode of Modern Family, which ain’t right. I did try picking them up yesterday morning but, of course, they apparently stopped opening on a Saturday morning a few months ago. I mean, why the fuck wouldn’t they?! Am I right?! So I’ll pop out tomorrow, then come home and change my nominated pharmacy (that my GP automatically sends my prescriptions to). I hate going to my local shops anyway, it’s infested with semi-retarded adult chavs and feral street urchins. Yesterday was particularly bad.

Oh yeah, I’m really enjoying Modern Family, by the way. I think I’m into season four now. I was worried that things were starting to falter when they introduced a cute dog for Jay, Gloria and Manny, but things still seem pretty steady. I think Luke is my favourite character. Nolan Gould’s comic timing is flawless, plus I think his relationship with his immature dad is adorable. Second in line for favourite character is Gloria. I don’t think I need to give a reason. I’ve even started talking like her in my head. Seriously, she’s typing this post, not me. I believe Sheffield is twinned with Bogota too, which is convenient.

Belief is a powerful thing.

Since we’ve starting talking again, I send my old gaming buddy daily clips from Modern Family that I find particularly funny. I checked he was ok with it, and he enthusiastically said “yes” and asked for them more frequently. That’s good. Although, he does seem to have gone quiet on me the last few days, as he does. As mentioned in previous posts, he’s very hot and cold in terms of friendship. I’m not expecting much contact with him now for a few weeks. At best. Sigh. My heart just isn’t strong enough for this.

I’ve still not heard anything form my guitar guru either, even after posting a guitar amp demo on YouTube yesterday. I did get a like for it though, so maybe that was from him. He hasn’t left a comment or texted me about it though. Who knows. I had felt he was going quiet on me too, so I’ve steered clear for a while.

Oh yeah, I bought an actual vintage 1954 amplifier last week. It’s lovely! I’m a bit concerned that it may burn my flat down, but I’m always careful to switch my gear off after I practice. The music shop assured me they’d PAT tested it anyway. Hmmm. After I had a really bad fall on the steps leading up to their entranceway, I’ve got my doubts. The steps are a pre-health & safety set of concrete slabs with no railing. Very disability-unfriendly. I also managed to break my white cane in the fall, which really upset me. The impact to my knee, which still hurts, wasn’t much fun either. Oh well, at least I got it done, plus I handed in a guitar I bought last year for a setup. It’s a nice guitar, but it just feels indefinably not-quite-right. They’ll know what to do. I think they’ve had to get a whole new bunch of staff in since the lockdown, and the new repair guy is an absolute sweetie-pie. The last one was very cocky and intimidating, like he knew how irreplaceable he was. I guess the shop sure showed* him.

*Quite the little tongue-twister, huh?

I think I’m going to ease off on my Brewster’s Millions-esque spending spree until my birthday in May. It’ll be nice to treat myself around that time. I’ve still got until the end of November to get rid of this government back-payment (otherwise I’ll actually have to start paying rent on this shithole). I think it’ll be a dreadnaught acoustic next, mainly because the word “dreadnaught” is really cool. In reality, it just refers to its body shape.

I’ve started playing the non-combat mode of Assassin’s Creed: Origins recently. It’s a terribly boring title for a game that is wowing me on a daily basis. It’s set in Hellenistic Egypt, and you basically go around learning stuff about the region and period, rather than just getting into fights with random NPCs. I do a few tours each night, and I’m not bored yet. It’s been a good way to test what Bob Brier’s been teaching me in audiobook form. Being able to climb the Lighthouse of Alexandria is pretty sweet too. The mode is called “Discovery Tour”, and I’ve done one live stream of it, just to feel out interest. Spoiler alert: there is none. Oh well, I’ll just keep playing it offline. Here’s the one stream I did:

Social services dropped off my new cane the afternoon after I’d spoken to them, which was really cool. She literally stopped off on her way home from work. How awesome is that? It is a pretty important piece of mobility equipment, to be fair. She also showed me the Seeing AI app, which scans and reads hardcopy text for you. It even reads the text on DVD/Blu-ray discs, which I always find nearly-impossibly to read (due to the busy artwork in the background). My mind has, officially, been blown. It’s a piece of technology that will definitely improve my life. I actually said that to the social service woman, and she seemed genuinely touched that she’d made a difference. Bless.

She did keep asking me whether everything was ok and if I needed help with something else though, which concerned me. I should have asked “Why, does there seem like there is?”, but I didn’t. I have had a lot of bangs and falls lately (sometimes to do with my eyesight, sometimes to do with alcohol), so maybe I have bruises on my body that concerned her. Or maybe she was just being thorough. Who knows.

I’m still going down to the train station pub once a week for drinks, instead of my regular down the road from here. I’m still feeling a bit paranoid about how some people were treating me in there. It’s fine, and nice to have a change. Hopefully my mental state will strengthen so I can make a glorious return, but it doesn’t feel like that’ll be anytime soon.

Well, I think that’s all for now, folks. I can year the supermarket delivery guy coming up the stairs, so I best go deal with that. I hope you are all well and getting less injured than myself.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

P.S. Yes, I did have to look up what the capital of Columbia was. Give me a break, I grew up in the 80s and 90s. The UK didn’t do education back then.

P.P.S. The title of this post is meant to be the sort-of opposite of "Modern Family". Did you get it? Does it work? No? Never mind. DON'T LOOK AT ME.

Friday, 4 March 2022

Let's face the music... and dance

A fair amount has happened since my last post. The council finally got back to me about my finances, but not before asking me to resubmit my evidence to clear up the payment conflict. Two week’s previously, I literally went down there and handed it to them in person. They even gave me a receipt (which proved worthless). But, well, apparently it got lost in the system somewhere/how. Or… did it?! No, it didn’t, it was just delayed, but they asked me to trapse down there again anyway. So I did. Whilst perfectly polite to the staff myself, I did nearly insight a riot by gossiping with the other poor saps waiting in the queue. Oh wait, this was all after three days of ringing the council’s call centre and sending emails, none of which the correct department ever replied to. I genuinely felt like I was stuck in some Kafka/Gilliamesque bureaucratic nightmare. Actually, forget the word “like”. There was a point where I was shaking with stress and pent up rage at the wall of silence I was experiencing. I felt like they were stonewalling me on purpose. Conspiracy-like. It was the darkest hour I’ve faced for about twelve years.

But it all worked out ok!

Some miserable sounding jobsworth called me at 1659 last Friday to say everything was fine and I just had to spend the large back-payment by the end of November. I still haven’t received a confirmation by post, so I’ll chase that up next week. Another delay will not surprise me.

Speaking of delays, I ordered a new acoustic guitar on Tuesday, but they’ve only just gotten back to me, just like the council, at close of play on a Friday afternoon, to say that they’re out of stock of the guitar I asked for. FFS. If they say they’ll have to order it special, I’ll cancel it. I haven’t even paid for it yet. I clicked on “pay by credit/debit card”, thinking that would be easier, but it then said that the store would be in touch either by email or phone to sort out payment. Double FFS. So now I’m pissed about that. Sigh. Fuck is wrong with people?!

As I type, I’m waiting for a Chinese takeaway to turn up. If this is delayed, or they refuse to come upstairs to my actual door, I swear I’ll… erm… well… you have to be careful what you joke about these days, don’t you? With that in mind, I’ll just say that I’ll just “hug them extra hard until they painlessly lie down and go to sleep”. There, isn’t that nice.

I haven’t been back to the pub since my stress-induced blackout two weeks ago. I’ve actually been enjoying going for drinks down at the train station. It’s a lovely pub, and I imagine it’s my house when I’m sat in their big, ballroom-like back seating area. I think I’ve just enjoyed being anonymous, especially while I’ve been super-paranoid. I might put a grocery order in tonight and stick some shitty lagers in the basket. I’m not much in the mood to go out anywhere. I just want to sit at home, watch crappy movies, and lose my inhibitions and self-loathing. Just for a few hours.

My takeaway’s here already! I only ordered it, like, half an hour ago. Right, I’ll continue this in a few minutes after I’ve had a few bites…

…brb…

…back! Damn, this new place really knows how to do chips! Don’t worry, I ordered some actual Chinese food too. I’m not that kind of a guy. Anyway, I think I’ve had enough for now.

I had some boxsets delivered earlier – Modern Family Seasons 1-11 and the Tim Burton Blu-ray set. I’ve just watched Pee-wee’s Big Adventure, which is very cute. While I don’t believe Pee-wee is technically gay, it still feels like an LGBT film. He’s very flamboyant, and everybody in that world just seems cool about it. It’s very inspiring. Plus it co-stars Elizabeth Daily, who is literally one of my all-time favourite people. I’ll try watching some Modern Family later. I’ve not seen it before, but I’ve heard good/so-so things. Guess I’m just a sucker for middle-of-the-road American sitcoms.

I’m still listening to a lot of history reference audiobooks/lectures in bed at night. I started on the Etruscan civilization this week. The lecturer is a little one-note, but not as dull as the Mesoamerican guy. I’ve also started on the Vikings, but that guy’s so enthusiastic that I’ve had to take a break. He’s a bit like Dave Van Ronk… but really, really, really fucking into history. You half expect him to cry “Yeah, Vikings, bitches! Woo!” at the end of each lecture. It’s a slightly different high-energy to Bob Brier, but it’s just as infectious.

I’m back in fairly-regular communication with my old gaming buddy, but we’re still not back to a good voice chat place yet. We did talk last week, but that’s been it. There’s a few clips from our “first chat back” on my YT. It was just like old times. I’ve not spoken much to my guitar guru, but he, like most of us, tends to go through quiet times. I’m sure he’ll be back.

Hmmm, I best go fire up the supermarket’s website in preparation for the usual 1900-ish opening-up of new delivery slots. They must get confirmation of casual drivers around that time. Or a load of people cancel their orders. Who knows.

Right, I’ll leave you here and, hopefully, my stress levels will be back to “normal” by my next post. And I’ll have a new guitar. And washing machine. Speaking of which…

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Saturday, 19 February 2022

But while there's music and moonlight

I’ve still had no word back from the council about that back-payment dispute issue thingy. Shame really, as there are a few things I’d like to spunk some cash on. I’m freezing any unnecessary large expenditures until I get a letter telling me what’s happening. Who knows, maybe I’ll have to give it all back. Assholes.

Golly, what a harsh start to this post! Well, this has all stressed me out quite a lot, plus I’ve been struggling to get replies from friends of late. I get the feeling society, as a whole, has decided just to start ignoring me. I have been trying. Genuinely. So it’s not like I’m sat waiting for messages to arrive out of the blue. People are apparently just too busy to type in a few words and hit “send”. I dunno. Is it something to do with the time of year?

I went to the pub on Tuesday, and even got quite upset down there. Everybody seemed to be chatting with one another, whilst excluding me. At least, that’s what it felt like. The person serving, who I’ve spoken to a few times and seem on good terms with, seemed a little off with me when I first arrived; then, when another regular turned up, they opened-up fully and relaxed. This is a problem I’ve had all my life. People just seem unsettled and put-off by me. I think it’s a “you need to get to know me”, sort of thing, as my ex used to say I’m one of the most chilled-out people in the world, even going so far as to say she thought one of her friends would benefit from going out with a person like me. I would have been happy to share my love around, FYI.

Eww, that was pretty gross. See? This weird headspace I’m in at he moment is turning me into a disgusting fratboy.

Anyway, my trip to the pub ended with me drinking more than usual, to the point where I barely remember anything from the rest of the evening. I don’t even remember coming home in my usual taxi. I definitely fell down hard at some point, as most of my body is still in pain. Even my face. I managed to fall on my face, for goodness sakes! Maybe it’ll all come back to me some day. I was getting this upset about socialising a few years ago before I left social media, so maybe I need to make some changes in my life. I think I’m going to steer clear of my text message inbox and any pubs where people know me, for a while. I think I just need to be alone with myself, my thoughts and my own time. Other people clearly have none for me anymore.

I feel like I’m creaking towards the end of something.

I had another custom-made guitar arrive the other day. I ordered it back in December, when that back-payment first arrived “on my desk”. It’s a lovely instrument, although the maple fretboard I ordered is so dark that it may as well be rosewood, which is counter to the visual concept I was going for. Sigh. Oh well, live and learn, I guess. Maybe it’ll lighten up the more I play it. Still, it sounds and feels fabulous. I might try to start recording music today. I did try starting a few weeks ago, but it was a massive disaster, ending in me accidentally deleting everything I’d recorded. It was only an evening’s worth of work, but… still. I want to do some instrumentals inspired by themes of ancient civilisations. I’ve been listening to a lot of reference audiobooks lately on the subject, so it’s foremost in my consciousness at the moment. I know they didn’t have electric guitars back in ancient Egypt, but I’m sure they would have liked to.

I’m wondering whether to start video game streaming again. Since nobody else will talk to me, I’ve found I’ve been having sparling conversations all by my lonesome, so I may as well record some of it for prosperity. Tragic, isn’t it? Anyway, I’ve started playing single player games more and more, which generally seem to get more views.

The weather’s been really horrid this week. Apparently there’s a near-hurricane level storm knocking about. Things seem a lot calmer this morning though. My weather app tells me snow is due today, but it seems too wet for anything to settle, should it start. I think I’m nicely topped-up with energy meter credit, but I’ll still check. I don’t want to have to trudge though snowdrifts just so I can put the kettle on.

I’ve still not ordered a new washing machines as, well, I just keep forgetting. I’ll try putting my near-dead one on today and see how it behaves. I really can’t keep putting it off for any longer.

So, there you have it. My recent goings on, all summed up in a nice, tidy rant. I’m in pain, physically and emotionally but, for some bizarre reason, I keep on persevering. I feel like I’ll run out of energy even for that soon. It’s all just… so… meh.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Monday, 14 February 2022

There may be trouble ahead

So many feelings. Mostly the concern that nobody likes me. But definitely not romance. Basically, I hope y’all are having a more successful Valentine’s Day than I am. I was going to joke text once of my three friends with a heart emoji, but they’ve all been very lax at replying to my messages of late, so I’ve decided none of them are worthy. Can you believe I’m single?!

Oh, I’ve just heard my phone vibrate. Maybe it’s somebody announcing their undying love for me. Or it’s just some b.s. admin that I could do without. We shall see. I’ll check once I’ve finished this.

Speaking of romance, one government department got in touch about that massive back payment I received from a different government department. It’s so nice that they communicate with one another. Anyway, they want evidence that it was a mistake on someone else’s part, so that I can continue receiving certain other regular payments. Since I struggled to check my post over the holiday season (due to a combination of depression, drunkenness and assuming nobody would send out something so important over that period) I wasn’t aware of their request until they started getting angry. Well, I’ve had said regular payments suspended until I get back in touch, which I have now done. I had to go to the local blind society for their assistance, as their was a lot of stuff I just couldn’t do and/or didn’t know from my home. They have very good support workers who are savvy about such things, and the bloke I saw was very helpful. He ended up drafting me a letter of appeal which, because I also had to hand in originals of the evidence surrounding this bollocks, I handed in in person. This meant that I had an excuse to visit the pub in town, of course. That was on Thursday, and it’s now Monday. I’m not sure how long the appeal process is going to take, so the next few weeks are going to be rather tense. Worst case scenario is that I could go to jail for embezzlement. Best is that I have to spend a lot of money, “Brewster’s Millions style”, in a very short period of time. Not a problem.

So, yeah, I’ve been rather stressed. I’m amazed I got all that sorted last week, as I’ve stupidly hit the bottle quite a bit. I guess I wanted to make the most of my taxi fares into town by visiting various drinking establishments. I guess it was either that or just sit around my flat soberly feeling anxious. Ain’t got time for that shit, mofo.

And so we come to here. I’ve finally shaken off my recent hangovers, so I’m now experiencing cold, hard, merciless reality. I’m sure I’ll be back in the pub by tomorrow.

I’m still going through an odd musical phase. I’ve been playing and listening to a lot of acoustic music. Keyboards too, actually. I’ve created playlists for Jean-Michel Jarre and Tangerine Dream, in particular. I’ve not settled on any acoustic artists, just an instrumental playlist I found on Spotify. It’ll do for now. I’m not sure how long this phase will last, so I don’t know whether I should invest in another cha-ching acoustic guitar. My regular pub now has an acoustic jam session once a month, which I might attend next time it’s on. I won’t take my guitar for the first time, I’ll just check it out. Maybe I’ll go “armed” the second time, should I enjoy the vibe of it. Who knows.

The days seem to be getting longer, which bodes well for me and my nyctalopia. I’ve been out to the pub a little later than midday, and been home before total darkness. I’m sure I’ll be complaining about the hot weather in no time.

Oh golly, I still need to sort out a new washing machine, as mine hasn’t been working since the new year. Fortunately, I never go anywhere or do anything, so my need to wash stuff is fleeting. I can’t get away with it forever though, as I do have towels and sheets that need washing and, let’s face it, summer is a very stinky time. I’ve found an independent electronics store in town, and it sounds like they do installations and removals, rather than just basic deliveries. I won’t be able to get it up the stairs myself, and I have no fucking idea how you install a washing machine. I’ll put the order in today, if I remember.

Well, there you have it. Those have been my anxiety-inducing adventures since the New Year. I’ve done a few other things, but they’re not coming to me right now. They can’t have been all that exciting. I’ll try and update you again later on in the week. Maybe. If you send me a Valentine’s Day message. Or just pop over for some rampant, sticky, no-strings loving. Or stringed. Both are good.

Right, I best go see who’s texted me.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Tuesday, 18 January 2022

Back from the Bed

Well, I’m still here. It seems that what was afflicting me was only temporary. I’m guessing it was the flu, as it had all the hallmarks of such. I’m feeling better now. Pretty much fully recovered (although I don’t wish to jinx it). I did order a takeaway in the end, but not a kebab (as the oh-so-witty title of my previous post suggested). I had a nice Chinese instead, which seemed to do wonders for my soul. I ordered a takeaway last night too, as my desire to cook seems to have gone for a bit. I’m sure it will be back soon though. I was planning a new curry recipe [see below], but that’ll have to wait until I’m feeling a bit more motivated.

I’m expecting a guitar delivery today, which I’m very excited about. It’s a fancy Gibson acoustic, which I’ve always wanted to own. It’s less of something I need (I already have a really nice Gretsch Rancher jumbo) so much as something I want. Know what I mean? I think this is the perfect moment to quote Parks & Recreation…

…TREAT YO’SELF!...

…so there. It’ll be, officially, my most expensive instrument, which is why I’m a little nervous this morning. Having an expensive hollow wooden box traverse our percussive courier system is probably a terrible idea, but it’s not like I’m gonna go travelling to Colchester where the store is. Let’s just hope it doesn’t arrive with a foot-shaped hole where a foot-shaped hole shouldn’t be on an acoustic guitar. I was setting things up to start recording again last week, but then this bug hit me and laid me out. Hopefully, once the Gibson arrives, I’ll be inspired to put music to, erm, digital save slot.

I’ve found myself shifting musical tastes this week, as does happen regularly. I think it’s all part of the “wonderful” cyclothymia extravaganza. So I’ve been browsing Spotify for anything that’ll inspire me, which led me to Janis Joplin. I’ve never been that big of a fan of Janis’ before but, for whatever reason, now seems to be the right time. I’ve put all of her albums (solo and with Big Brother & the Holding Company) onto one playlist and listen to it pretty much every day. I also rewatched her performance at the Monterey Pop festival, which is great, and I’m now watching the recent documentary film they made about her. Literally, I keep pressing pause to come type some more of this.

What fire she had!

Nowadays, aspiring singers would get trained at art school to be that energetic on stage but, with Janis, it was just natural. I think I also like her because I relate to her substance use issues. I’ve never done drugs, but I am an alcoholic, so I know that pain and temptation and self-loathing. I find the most interesting part of her life to be the interim period where she went back home. That happened to me twelve years ago – life just got away from me and so, practically homeless, I spent three awful months staying with mother, then six chilled-out months staying with dad. Then, around July, I headed back up to Sheffield to start again. And here I still am, twelve years later, waiting for a guitar delivery. Where does the time go? Sure, I’m not in a band as I’d love to be, but at least I’m not where I was. Which was living in Huntingdon and working in London. Just typing the latter city’s name makes me shiver. Terrible place. Never go.

Gosh, I’m getting all emotional. I best reel it in.

I’ve not got much planned for today, which is what happens when you have deliveries that are due at… well… some point. I haven’t been to the pub since New Year’s Eve, but I do finally feel like seeing people. I didn’t go out last Friday, as I mentioned in my last post. It probably wouldn’t have been a good idea anyway, given my illness. Maybe I’ll go out this Friday, or somewhere different in town during the week. Wherever’s open at midday. Or I could just stay in today and get wasted on the booze I have leftover from last week. I’ve bought a bottle of Portuguese wine to add to that curry recipe I was planning, but I’m concerned it might disappear if I binge today. Stranger things have happened at see. I plan to make a combination of a vindaloo and it’s original Portuguese inspiration - the carne de vinha d’ahlos (a seasonal sharing dish, apparently). I’m still thinking the recipe through, so maybe it's best I wait a little longer. The Portuguese seem to like beans in their dishes, so maybe I should add some, but it doesn’t quite scan right in my brain. I’ll have a think.

I keep checking my emails to see if there’s a delivery update. I’ve so excited! But still a little nervous.

Well, light is starting to appear in the morning sky (no sun, as it’s very overcast), so I best go open some curtains. I wonder if it’ll snow soon. If so, I best get some dried food in from the supermarket, as my cupboards are a little bare at the moment. Oh and I’ve got the rest of that Janis Joplin documentary to watch.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Friday, 14 January 2022

In Bed with Mah Donner Kebab

Well, something’s definitely up, as I feel just terrible. It’s sometimes hard to tell when you’re a binge-drinking alcoholic when you are genuinely ill (and not just suffering from yet another hangover), but I’m pretty sure this is the real deal. I’ve been in bed 24-hours and haven’t eaten. Or bathed. I finally have just had a dunk though, so I’m feeling a lot fresher. This definitely feels like the flu, or I guess it could also be… the other thing. I’m very drowsy and have been coughing a lot, so you never know. Due to me now having diabetes, it’s apparently more likely for me to catch these things and not react well to them. At the risk of sounding like the drama queen I am, if I don’t post again in a week or so, you’ll know something’s happened.

But, anyway, besides all that nonsense, I finally managed to pick up my medication on Wednesday, so I’ve been adjusting back to those. Maybe that’s what’s making me ill. I did miss a week-and-a-half’s worth, after all. The horrid “battery acid” dizziness that comes with accidentally going off antidepressants went almost immediately. That’s one good thing about Sertraline – they’re fast acting after you’ve missed a few.

Some drama seems to be brewing between me and my ex. I’ve not felt particularly inclined to stay in touch with her recently, for various reasons, and she now seems to be picking up on this. She tried calling me yesterday (we haven’t spoken over the phone in well over a year), but I didn’t answer. I’m just not emotionally, or physically, strong enough for this teenage drama b.s. at the moment. She’s never proven to be a particularly loyal friend, although not in a vindictive kind of way. She’s just frustratingly in her own little world and can barely find interest in the people around her. She’d deny this, of course, and start crying, therefore making it all about her, but it's true. Urgh. I just… can’t… be arsed.

My guitar guru and I are still chatting, although I keep expecting him to tell me to put a sock in it for a while. Unfortunately, there are limitless things to talk about if you’re into playing guitar, which is bad news for him. Oh well, I’ll try going quiet for a bit. I’m not after anything, I just get bored and lonely.

Speaking of guitar, I’ve started playing whilst stood up with the guitar strapped around me. I guess I just fancied trying something different, and I seem to be getting into this. There’s really no need for me to play this way, as it’s not like I’m in a band or anything but, well, sometimes just little tweaks to one’s life here and there can improve things and open the floodgates to inspiration!

I have been meaning to get a takeaway over these past few days but, because of my weird sleep pattern and feeling ill, I’ve not gotten around to it. They’ll not be opening for another eleven hours, so I should probably find something in the cupboard to snack on. Trying to decide which genre of food I fancy. Perhaps some Chinese.

Anyway, I’m going to leave it there, as this has been a bit of a struggle. I just felt like I needed to talk to someone, as it kinda sucks being ill when you’re all alone. I’ll be sure to post an update before next Sunday.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Saturday, 8 January 2022

Primer

It’s hard to know quite where in space and time that I am right now. This is due to my having missed well over a week’s worth of medication. Accidental withdrawal of antidepressants isn’t the most fun thing in the world, I must say. Although, oddly enough, it is different, and sometimes different, even when unpleasant, can bring its own twisted reward. My sleep pattern is non-existent at this point. I have a few hours here and there, but I’m not sure whether I’m over or under-slept right now. I woke up yesterday around 5 pm and proceeded to cry as I organised a cup of coffee. I was Inconsolable for about an hour, then seemed to calm down. Nothing was wrong, in particular. it was just the withdrawals. I’m supposed to get a text message from the chemist when my tablets are ready for collection, but I’ve received nothing yet. Either they’ve lost my number once again, or there has just been a backlog between them and the surgery due to the Christmas/New Year shutdown.  I was going to order a lot of booze to arrive tomorrow… erm… later on today, to help me drive through this nightmarish headspace, but I soon realised what a terrible idea that was. So, basically, plenty of comfort food is on its way, including two boxes of fruit and fibre cereal. Do I know how to party, or what?!

I just had to check when I last made a post here, so I knew what to update you with.

New Year's Eve was as fun as it usually is. For me, at least. Being all grown up now, and an atheist, I have no interest whatsoever in Christmas. But New Year's Eve. Oh, New Year's Eve! That feeling of rebirth and starting again. Well, it just rubs me the right way. It’s as if we’re all like “Hey, we fucked up last year, so let’s just try again!”. I like that way of thinking. You should never keep going down a certain path just for the sake of it. The word “tradition”, like family, is one of the most dangerous words in the English language, or any language, for that matter. Cast off the past and start afresh! It’s really all we have. Do you think we learn something by remembering the Holocaust? Do you know how many genocides there’s been SINCE the Holocaust?! Lots. We never learn, so all we can do is grieve, move on and try better next time.

Woah, how did we get to genocide?! Right, let’s chill things out a little…

So, yes, I got plenty plastered on New Year's Eve. Whilst the cacophony of fireworks were intoxicating my sonic pallet, I definitely remember going out into the stairwell and shouting something to the rest of the tenants. I don’t know what I shouted, but I was sure having a blast. That’s how exited New Year's Eve makes me. I want to shout to people. Crazy, huh?! I’m expecting my antisocial behaviour letter from the council any day now.

The plan for the evening had been to watch three films in the original Star Trek movie series, the three I call the “David trilogy”, including II, III and VI. Hopefully, if you’re a fan, you’ll understand why. If not, then let me know and I’ll explain next time. I don’t remember much about watching II, and VI had hardly started before I must have passed out. I think I passed out multiple times during the evening. I even ordered a Chinese takeaway, like, half an hour before midnight. Smooth. It’s ok, I gave the driver a £10 tip, so hopefully that made up for it.

Oh! That’s it! I went to the pub for the afternoon! I was trying to think how my celebrations started. Yes, I turned up for their midday opening time, and left way before it got dark. I must have then passed out once getting home, then started on the Star Trek films. I wasn’t really expecting to stay up until midnight but, through a series of drunken blackouts, I managed it. I made various videos throughout the day and posted them on YouTube, but I’ve now only left the first one public. I got pretty incoherent.

See, I felt crap a few minutes ago when I started typing this, but now I’m all excited! Sigh. Mood swings sure are… well… something.

My guitar guru/old work colleague and I are now in regular daily contact. I even bought a second guitar off him, which arrived a few days ago. It’s a make of guitar I’ve never owned before, so I thought I’d go cheap to begin with, just to see if I liked them, and he was selling one from their budget line so, as they say, two birds. Everybody wins. Well, it’s a lovely sounding instrument, although strangely light and small-scale. I’ll consider upgrading to a premium model, but I already have another custom build guitar in the works, so I’ll wait until… you know… I snap in a few weeks. I’m not sure where things are going with my guitar guru, friendship-wise. He’s straight and married with a kid, so I’m not expecting romance but, well, I guess I just like to know where I stand with people, and what the future may bring. I’m a bit anal like.

I’ve had no contact with my old gaming buddy since New Year's Eve. I don’t think I said anything rude. Anyway, even if I did, he prides himself on not being offended or upset by anything that people say or do to him, so I’m guessing he’s just wandered off again. I’ve really lost interest, to be honest. It’s the same with my ex – if that’s their idea of friendship, then I don’t want their friendship.

I finished that Great Courses lecture series on Ancient Egypt this week. I got genuinely emotional by the end. As mentioned in my last post, Bob Brier is such an amazing teacher, and his enthusiasm is genuinely infectious. You just have to get past his harsh Bronx brogue. But it’s worth it. I’ve gone back to “page one”, as I do, so hopefully I’ll pick up on anything I missed in my first listen. History nonfiction has become my new bedtime read, replacing the Discworld books and, before those, Tolkien’s Middle-earth series and, before those, general radio podcasts. I need something to keep me company in bed. It’s just one of my things.

Having enjoyed Dr Brier’s guide through Ancient Egypt, I decided to buy up as many fictional movies as I could on the theme. They range from classic Hollywood romances to b.s. modern “family” animation. There’s precious few available, to be honest, so if anyone wants to hire me to write a screenplay about a niche period in Egyptian history, then Bob’s gotten me well primed! I think I’d like to see one about the Akhenaten heresy, but do it from the perspective of the common Egyptian. Epic scenes of kings spouting lofty exposition aren’t all that fun for me. So, yes, I think those films should be arriving later on today. I shall endeavour to report back.

Oh, I’ve started having baths. I haven’t had regular baths in ten years, having become more of a “shower guy” but, after seeing how disgusting my shower curtain had become, I decided to just throw it out immediately and take baths until a replacement arrived. Well, the replacement has arrived, but I’ve not taken it out of its packaging yet. I’m actually enjoying having baths. They’re great for this time of year, as you can just stew in hot water for ages, rather than fighting to keep warm under a lukewarm, low-pressure shower. I may have entered a new phase in my life altogether, due to this. “The Age of Jim Taking Baths”. Exciting, huh?! I feel like a kid again. A fat, awkward, hairy, smelly, depressed kid. Good times.

Over the past twenty-four hours, my antidepressant withdrawals have really messed with my interest in my hobbies. I did some guitar practice today, but I was really phoning it in. This is why I almost turned to booze, as I’ll probably be bored until I can pick up my prescription. Not knowing quite what part of the day I’m in is also very disorientating, as my routine, for what it was, has been completely thrown into a cocked hat. Frig does that saying even mean?! Anyway, I’m just doing what I can to pass the time between small bouts of sleep, which is very frustrating. While I like having order even less, I like having no order at all rather trying.

Righty-ho, I think I’ve come to a natural stop here. Fingers crossed that, by my next post, I’ll be back to “normal” again, and not having random crying fits and sleeping in two-hour shifts.

I hope you are all fairing better.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!