It’s hard to know quite where in space and time that I am right
now. This is due to my having missed well over a week’s worth of medication.
Accidental withdrawal of antidepressants isn’t the most fun thing in the world,
I must say. Although, oddly enough, it is different, and sometimes different, even
when unpleasant, can bring its own twisted reward. My sleep pattern is non-existent
at this point. I have a few hours here and there, but I’m not sure whether I’m
over or under-slept right now. I woke up yesterday around 5 pm and proceeded to
cry as I organised a cup of coffee. I was Inconsolable for about an hour, then
seemed to calm down. Nothing was wrong, in particular. it was just the
withdrawals. I’m supposed to get a text message from the chemist when my tablets
are ready for collection, but I’ve received nothing yet. Either they’ve lost my
number once again, or there has just been a backlog between them and the
surgery due to the Christmas/New Year shutdown.
I was going to order a lot of booze to arrive tomorrow… erm… later on
today, to help me drive through this nightmarish headspace, but I soon realised
what a terrible idea that was. So, basically, plenty of comfort food is on its
way, including two boxes of fruit and fibre cereal. Do I know how to party, or
what?!
I just had to check when I last made a post here, so I knew
what to update you with.
New Year's Eve was as fun as it usually is. For me, at
least. Being all grown up now, and an atheist, I have no interest whatsoever in
Christmas. But New Year's Eve. Oh, New Year's Eve! That feeling of rebirth and
starting again. Well, it just rubs me the right way. It’s as if we’re all like “Hey,
we fucked up last year, so let’s just try again!”. I like that way of thinking.
You should never keep going down a certain path just for the sake of it. The
word “tradition”, like family, is one of the most dangerous words in the
English language, or any language, for that matter. Cast off the past and start
afresh! It’s really all we have. Do you think we learn something by remembering
the Holocaust? Do you know how many genocides there’s been SINCE the Holocaust?!
Lots. We never learn, so all we can do is grieve, move on and try better next
time.
Woah, how did we get to genocide?! Right, let’s chill things
out a little…
So, yes, I got plenty plastered on New Year's Eve. Whilst
the cacophony of fireworks were intoxicating my sonic pallet, I definitely
remember going out into the stairwell and shouting something to the rest of the
tenants. I don’t know what I shouted, but I was sure having a blast. That’s how
exited New Year's Eve makes me. I want to shout to people. Crazy, huh?! I’m
expecting my antisocial behaviour letter from the council any day now.
The plan for the evening had been to watch three films in
the original Star Trek movie series, the three I call the “David trilogy”,
including II, III and VI. Hopefully, if you’re a fan, you’ll understand why. If
not, then let me know and I’ll explain next time. I don’t remember much about
watching II, and VI had hardly started before I must have passed out. I think I
passed out multiple times during the evening. I even ordered a Chinese takeaway,
like, half an hour before midnight. Smooth. It’s ok, I gave the driver a £10
tip, so hopefully that made up for it.
Oh! That’s it! I went to the pub for the afternoon! I was
trying to think how my celebrations started. Yes, I turned up for their midday
opening time, and left way before it got dark. I must have then passed out once
getting home, then started on the Star Trek films. I wasn’t really expecting to
stay up until midnight but, through a series of drunken blackouts, I managed
it. I made various videos throughout the day and posted them on YouTube, but I’ve
now only left the first one public. I got pretty incoherent.
See, I felt crap a few minutes ago when I started typing
this, but now I’m all excited! Sigh. Mood swings sure are… well… something.
My guitar guru/old work colleague and I are now in regular
daily contact. I even bought a second guitar off him, which arrived a few days
ago. It’s a make of guitar I’ve never owned before, so I thought I’d go cheap
to begin with, just to see if I liked them, and he was selling one from their
budget line so, as they say, two birds. Everybody wins. Well, it’s a lovely
sounding instrument, although strangely light and small-scale. I’ll consider
upgrading to a premium model, but I already have another custom build guitar in
the works, so I’ll wait until… you know… I snap in a few weeks. I’m not sure
where things are going with my guitar guru, friendship-wise. He’s straight and
married with a kid, so I’m not expecting romance but, well, I guess I just like
to know where I stand with people, and what the future may bring. I’m a bit
anal like.
I’ve had no contact with my old gaming buddy since New Year's Eve. I don’t think I said anything rude. Anyway, even if I did, he prides himself
on not being offended or upset by anything that people say or do to him, so I’m
guessing he’s just wandered off again. I’ve really lost interest, to be honest.
It’s the same with my ex – if that’s their idea of friendship, then I don’t
want their friendship.
I finished that Great Courses lecture series on Ancient
Egypt this week. I got genuinely emotional by the end. As mentioned in my last
post, Bob Brier is such an amazing teacher, and his enthusiasm is genuinely infectious.
You just have to get past his harsh Bronx brogue. But it’s worth it. I’ve
gone back to “page one”, as I do, so hopefully I’ll pick up on anything I
missed in my first listen. History nonfiction has become my new bedtime read,
replacing the Discworld books and, before those, Tolkien’s Middle-earth series
and, before those, general radio podcasts. I need something to keep me company
in bed. It’s just one of my things.
Having enjoyed Dr Brier’s guide through Ancient Egypt, I
decided to buy up as many fictional movies as I could on the theme. They range
from classic Hollywood romances to b.s. modern “family” animation. There’s precious
few available, to be honest, so if anyone wants to hire me to write a screenplay
about a niche period in Egyptian history, then Bob’s gotten me well primed! I
think I’d like to see one about the Akhenaten heresy, but do it from the
perspective of the common Egyptian. Epic scenes of kings spouting lofty
exposition aren’t all that fun for me. So, yes, I think those films should be
arriving later on today. I shall endeavour to report back.
Oh, I’ve started having baths. I haven’t had regular baths
in ten years, having become more of a “shower guy” but, after seeing how
disgusting my shower curtain had become, I decided to just throw it out
immediately and take baths until a replacement arrived. Well, the replacement
has arrived, but I’ve not taken it out of its packaging yet. I’m actually enjoying
having baths. They’re great for this time of year, as you can just stew in hot
water for ages, rather than fighting to keep warm under a lukewarm, low-pressure
shower. I may have entered a new phase in my life altogether, due to this. “The
Age of Jim Taking Baths”. Exciting, huh?! I feel like a kid again. A fat, awkward,
hairy, smelly, depressed kid. Good times.
Over the past twenty-four hours, my antidepressant
withdrawals have really messed with my interest in my hobbies. I did some
guitar practice today, but I was really phoning it in. This is why I almost
turned to booze, as I’ll probably be bored until I can pick up my prescription.
Not knowing quite what part of the day I’m in is also very disorientating, as
my routine, for what it was, has been completely thrown into a cocked hat. Frig
does that saying even mean?! Anyway, I’m just doing what I can to pass the time
between small bouts of sleep, which is very frustrating. While I like having
order even less, I like having no order at all rather trying.
Righty-ho, I think I’ve come to a natural stop here. Fingers
crossed that, by my next post, I’ll be back to “normal” again, and not having
random crying fits and sleeping in two-hour shifts.
I hope you are all fairing better.
Do stay in touch, darlings.
Toodles!