Horror here, horror there, horror everywhere

Well, my brother finally sent that seemingly-phantom email about mother’s health. Tragically, it reads like a laundry list of human indignity. What makes it rather confusing and darkly amusing is that my brother then says that he and mother’s carers (who have to visit three times a day to feed her, dress her, and deal with her having shit herself) don’t believe she’s ready to go into a care home yet. I’ve politely replied, asking how bad she has to get before a home does become an option. I’m expecting a curt reply any minute now.

Methinks my sibling is too close to the situation to make such a tough decision, and these agency nurses may somehow be benefiting from their home visits.

Sigh.

Perhaps my father will talk some sense into him. He’s hardly a soft-touch.

On the lighter side of nothing, I had about two hours sleep last night. Not because of all the above, but just because. I’ve tried to nap throughout the day, but I’ve only added a half hour here and there to my daily total. Goodness knows what state I’ll be in for my nurse in the morning. If I even get there.

In the spirit of Halloween, I watched a few episodes of those comedy-horror anthologies, but I think I’ve had enough. I’ve moved back over to Family Guy for some cheering up and might stick on more Mad Max. I think the wine I added to that homemade curry didn’t burn off its alcohol content quite as thoroughly as I’d hoped, so I’m feeling a little groggy now. Oh well, at least it didn’t make me want to descend into a massive drinking binge.

Everything else is.

I just checked my bank account in preparation for buying that guitar, but my balance has gone down a shocking amount in just a week. The inflation is taking its toll! I might just hold fire on any big purchases like that for now. I mean, it’s not like I’m short of guitars around here.

Still, whores will have their trinkets!

I’m curiously warm this evening. Why can’t it just be dependably cold like it should be in October/November?! I’m reticent to open a window, just in case Halloween pranksters throw stuff up to my flat. Kids have been wandering around setting off fireworks unsupervised this week, so I could do without a rocket setting fire to my home.

That probably sounds like an exaggeration, but I can genuinely see it happening.

My cheery, motivated state of mind from yesterday hasn’t followed over into today, as you can probably tell. This lack of emotional consistency is hardly new, but that doesn’t mean I’ll ever get used to it. I got really stressed reheating that curry, although I’m not sure why. I added way too much cream to it (my logic being, well, what the fuck am I going to use the rest of it for?!), then tried to pour too much onto my plate* at once. I nearly spilt half of the sauce trying to get to my eating space.

*well, it’s actually a wide, shallow bowl, but I thought “plate” would get to the point quicker

So, yeah, now I’m feeling emotionally all over the place: nervous about money, sad about mother, frustrated at my brother, annoyed at the temperature, concerned there’s curry all over the carpet, fed up about my sleep, pissed at the world for just being out there.

When does it all end?!

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

The night before Spookmas

So, a day after I mouthed off to you fine folk about not including any alcohol in my weekly grocery delivery, I just went and bought some in separately anyway, getting nicely squiffy over Friday and Saturday. I’m rather predictable, aren’t I? Oh well, old habits, and all that! At least I’m keeping my sessions brief, rather than sticking to the full-time alcoholic-thing I started a few tragic months ago. I’ve stuck a bottle of flavoured vodka on my order this week, so at least I’m being honest with myself.

My mood swings are very harsh at the moment. Friday afternoon, I just lay prone on my bed for hours, virtually catatonic, feeling zero motivation of any kind. Them I drifted off to sleep for a few minutes and awoke a little more cheery and keen to get drunk! I seem to be saying “at least” a lot these days but, here it comes again, at least I was excited about something.

Today I actually made a curry. Homemade and everything! Not out of a tin or just reheating takeaway leftovers. Amazing, huh?! There’s even some leftover for tomorrow. I’ve put a grocery order in for the morning, so I may add some fresh cream or yoghurt just to whack it up to 11.

I’m sure this all sounds mundane but, trust me, being inspired to do anything is a luxury for me right now. I almost didn’t get out of bed this morning but, after a few minutes of abyssal apathy, my brain gave me a little kick and I sprung into action! I’ve not ordered that guitar I mentioned in my last post, but I might do so after my appointment with the nurse on Wednesday. My logic was that, if I ordered it today, the courier would probably try calling when I was out at the surgery.

Not just a pretty face!

I’ve not really got anything planned for Halloween tomorrow. I might watch the comedy anthology shows by Channel 4 and the BBC, Garth Mareghi’s Darkplace and Dr Terrible’s House of Horrible, respectively but, in general, I’m not one to take part. I was even thinking about developing an alternative celebration calendar, just to be a dick. Not that there’s anyone in my life to complain about such eccentric behaviour. Ha! More fool… erm… me, I guess.

Sigh.

Anyway, kids daren’t come into these blocks to trick or treat, so I won’t need to buy any crap in to hand out. Well, sometimes they do sneak into the stairwell, but only as a dare to fuck about and break things. Or smoke weed.

Nobody ever offers me any. Where’s peer pressure when you need it?!

I’ve been getting into the podcast Muffed Movies over the weekend. They’re presented by a joyfully camp gentleman called Mark Soloff, who I discovered through the Blurry Photos podcast. He basically does spoof audio descriptions for the visually impaired, with elements of trivia commentary too. In fact, I enjoyed the Mad Max ones so much that I’ve dug out the boxset to watch, even though I only went through it recently. I sort of miss the youthful days when I used to watch certain films over and over again, almost obsessively. I think that was more to do with my lack of viewing options in the 90s, but my more diverse viewing habits these days could be to do with the pure horror of maturity. I’ve never particularly liked television as a passive viewing experience, so collecting home media has always been a distinct passion of mine. If I could have the time back at the end of my life that I spent in HMV as a teenager then, well, people would think I was an immortal! Just like in Highlander which, incidentally, was another one of my obsessive teen watches.

Oh that guitar rack arrived, but I’ve not built it yet. If this rare feeling of motivation continues into tomorrow, then I’ll have a quick vacuum around then assemble it. Hmmm, I guess I can assemble it before vacuuming, but I’d rather have some sort of order to my actions. I’m not sure why.

There’s still been no significant interaction with any other humans this week. I did text my brother over the weekend, but he’s absolutely useless at holding virtual conversations. He keeps saying he’ll email me an update about mother’s ailing health, but never does. I wonder if she’s died and he’s just not telling anyone. Eek! How very soap opera.

Anyway, I best go press play on Mad Max. I get anxious when I become side-tracked by my computer and leave the TV burning away electricity. Then again, I don’t much like sitting alone in the dark.

I hope y’all spook well tomorrow, whatever your plans are.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

"Ooh-bi-doo, I wan'na be like you-who-who"

Well, I think I made the right decision to leave watching the rest of Lust for Life until today, as it did get very upsetting from where I’d left it yesterday. Even though it was mildly twisted into a Hays Code-era romantic epic, the story of a lonely, tortured soul losing the will to carry on eventually brought a tear to my eye. I mean, how could it not? Kirk Douglas won me over in the end. I’d really recommend the film, even though, thanks to religious moralists of the time, it was unable to be more frank about some of the trials and tribulations of life, such a prostitution. Why a person would ever believe that not talking about something will somehow improve it will forever baffle me. I guess it baffles us all, as our world has matured somewhat since.

Although, a backlash may be brewing, I fear.

Anyway, 1950s politics aside, I doubt there’s a better presentation of Vincent Van Gogh’s life currently available out there. It would be nice to see something more gritty, but Vincent Minnelli’s film does a damn fine job. It’s also stunningly beautiful, which I don’t think I have yet mentioned. I’d love to travel around Europe and visit the Van Gogh museum and galleries and tour his old haunts. I fear though that I may have some sort of sympathetic breakdown if I ever stood in the courtyard of the hospital at Arles.

It’s just… a concern I have. Drama, drama, drama, huh? Silly ol’ me!

I had some groceries delivered this morning. At least I think it was this morning. My concept of time is wavering somewhat. No booze was included in my order, so at least I managed that. I’ve been working my way through some takeaway leftovers throughout the day, so I’ve not started on any of what they brought. Can you believe a litre of off-brand supermarket extra virgin olive oil will now set you back £7?! That’s a 100% markup over the past two years. I’m not even sure that’s legal, but then again I have no idea how these things work. I may have to start melting olive oil spread (normally for sandwiches/toast etc.) to cook with instead.

The prospect of an olive oil famine is a truly terrifying thing indeed!

I’m now watching the original cartoon Jungle Book, which I’m enjoying quite a bit. I’m looking forward to George Sanders turning up, who was such a cook mofo. Even the actor’s suicide note was gloriously bitchy.. A class act! I actually forgot how many catchy songs were in The Jungle Book, songs good enough to slip into just being proper-good-songs, not just good-songs-from-a-movie. Know what I mean? There seems to be no UK release of the TaleSpin TV series, which is a shame. I’m not signing up to any streaming service, I can tell you that much.

You said it, daddy bear! I guess this was the late 1960s, so more modern world-views/philosophies about breaking gender stereotypes were starting to make it onto the big screen without frightened, reactionary, conservative parents having any affect. Oh I’m sure they freaked out, and still do, but logical, rational minds have just stopped listening.

For now.

Oh I believe I have FINALLY stumbled upon a standard (not 4K Ultra Super Smashing Great Plus) Blu-ray, Extended Edition, Remastered, Region 2 copy of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I heard they had recently rereleased them with an upgraded shimmer, but I just couldn’t find a boxset with the above exhausting criteria. This box includes The Hobbit films too, which I don’t hate quite as much as other people do. They’re hardly the Star Wars prequels, after all. Nothing can ever be as bad as those! So, yes, I feel a long-overdue Middle-earth marathon approaching, depending on delivery times.

I’ve found a guitar I really fancy buying. It’s a modern version of the Epiphone Casino, but these ones are denoted as “worn”, meaning there’s a low-gloss satin/matte finish to them. Satin finishes are my absolute favourite, and I can’t stop stroking them for love nor money. The one I’m after is in a “Worn Ebony” colour (I do like black guitars!). They’re not too expensive either, relatively speaking. If I’m still foaming at the mouth by Monday, then I’ll put in an order. I think I can just about fit one or two more instruments in this tiny one-bedroom hovel.

Nice, huh? You bet!

How are you liking all these images? I’m hoping that including more media in my posts doesn’t spoil your reading experience.

Right, I best get back to The Jungle Book. It’s 9 pm and I’ve just had two cups of coffee but, to be honest, I’ll probably still be awake at 4 am even without such stimulation. How can such a lazy bastard such as myself have such bad insomnia?!

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Life by numbers

I wish it would pain me to say, but it doesn’t really, that I did indeed fall off the wagon over the weekend. Just a day later than expected. Oh well, best laid plans and all that! At least it was another short binge, lasting only Sunday and Monday, with me still feeling a little off yesterday (Tuesday). It’s very strange how it happens. I can’t express in worlds how utterly bored out of my skull I was sober. Having a binge does seem to reset my mental clock and make me enthusiastic about stuff again.

I’m sure my doctor wouldn’t approve though.

I managed to get out to the pharmacy/chemist today to pick up the extra batch of tablets my nurse prescribed me, now that I’m on a double dose. It was a mercifully fleeting excursion, with very little to report. Usually something terrible befalls me (nearly being hit by a car, potentially getting mugged, etc.) but, actually, I was in high spirits all the way and was even a little crestfallen that there wasn’t some nutcase at the bus stop to chat to.

Solidarity, my fruitcake brethren!

My appetite is still off, so I’ve not put much food on my grocery order to be delivered tomorrow. I’m going to order a takeaway tonight, just to see if my tastebuds are leaning back towards international cuisine (rather than chips, chips, and more fucking chips). I think it’s about 5 pm now, so the restaurants should be opening.

I never heard back from that music school about singing lessons, by the way. I’m a bit disheartened by that. Maybe they went under during the pandemic. Bless. They could just have a funny academic schedule, I suppose. Oh well, I’m quite happy with recording instrumentals, for now. I’ve just ordered a new guitar rack so, unfortunately, my homemade studio will have to remain closed until I’ve reshuffled all my equipment and build said rack. I’m really not happy with the current layout of my music nook. Plus I’d like to vacuum around that area, which will be the first time I’ve done so in a few years.

Make it five.

At least it’s much cooler now, so any housework, heavy-lifting, and building I do won’t end with me being in too much of a sweaty state. I do tend to overheat very easily, which I think is genetic. It still happened when I was trim and healthy in my early 20s, so it’s not a weight/age thing.

What?

Oh I’ve had no contact from anyone else either. They’ve all phased me out. Sigh. I don’t blame them really, I’m sure I’d phase me out too if I knew me. I guess I’m happy with that, as it means I’m not getting paranoid about what I’ve said to people. I don’t say anything to anyone now. It’s nice and quiet, just me and my hobbies and this thing, which doesn’t get any views anyway. Hello, readers of the distant future! How are the flying cars doing?!

Nice.

I’m currently working my way through the Kirk Douglas-starring Vincent Van Gogh biopic Lust for Life, whichI’m trying to savour it the best I can, as it’s very good. I was initially worried that Douglas might be slightly miscast, being too charismatic for the troubled painter, but he actually does a great job. The film is a little too “Classic Hollywood” and romanticised for the subject, I’d say, but it’s still way better than that awful Robert Altman miniseries (although I’ve still not seen the shorter theatrical cut, which I suspect will be more watchable). I think I’m just about to the part of Lust for Life where Van Gogh’s mental state really goes down hill, so I’m waiting until I’m emotionally stronger to finish the film off. It certainly won’t be while I’m eating my takeaway (which I’ve just managed to order).

More Disney cartoons have arrived, so I’ve decided my next viewing will be The Jungle Book. I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen that one before, much to my surprise, although I was a big fan of the series TaleSpin. To give them some credit, Disney really did/do put effort into their television spin-offs, which I hear is more than one can say about their direct-to-video sequels. Oh I finally managed to sit all the way through The Black Cauldron which, while uniquely dark for the studio, is tediously fantasy-by-numbers stuff. John Hurt’s in there though, so it’s not all bad.

Hmmm, I think it’s time to go. The takeaway arrived and has mostly been consumed in the time it’s taken me to proof read this post, so I’m feeling a serious food-coma coming on. I’ll let you know how Lust for Life goes.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

"This little toy is gonna break, break down"

I’m really struggling to stay off the booze today. I’ve not taken a sip yet, but I’m starting to make serious plans. My mood and self-esteem started to drop considerably in the middle of the night, and now I’m on the verge of tears. I even curled up on the sofa hugging my childhood teddy bear for a while.

Yeah, THAT bad.

I’ve been very good at just riding these low mood spells out this week, but this is a deep one. Like, planet core-deep. I should really write a motivational speech to myself to read at times like this. I dunno. I keep thinking about hobby stuff to do, but then I’m all like: “Oh, what’s the point?!”. Then I get really tired and have to go for a lie down.

Quite how drinking will help this, I do not know. I always manage to convince myself into doing it though.

I’m taking a break from the 2 Broke Girls boxset today, as I need something familiar and reassuring. Yup, that means I needed one of the Seth MacFarlane shows, so I’ve stuck on Family Guy. His brand of obscene black comedy really helps me get through the seriousness and utter abyssal pointlessness of life.

Good times.

Oh, I’m pretty happy with that E G Daily best of playlist now. I’ve tried to find a song worth from her third album, but I just can’t do it. The opening track is sort of ok, but “sort of ok” is hardly a personal recommendation. It’s not a bad album, per se, it just lacks a strong melody… anywhere. Also, don’t forget, her fourth album still remains absent from Spotify, so I can’t include anything from that. Maybe it’s a massive, walking, talking hit machine, but I have no way of knowing at this point. Anyway, here’s the link to the playlist as it stands:

Jim's Best of E. G. Daily Compilation

My appetite’s still a bit off. I’ve started taking double my usual diabetes medication (nurse’s orders), so that may be what’s messing with it. I’ve kept the option of a takeaway open, as I do, but I just can’t settle on a cuisine. Just nothing’s blowing my skirt up. I’ve got plenty of food in the flat, which I’m happy resorting to, but it’s a very half-hearted experience. Food is usually the one thing I can resort to, but even that seems to have abandoned me.

The deepest of sighs.

Well, I hope you peeps are staying more positive and having a rock-tastic weekend.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Staying in/geeking out

I’ve had a funny morning today. For a start, I slept well, which hasn’t happened since I got tanked a week ago. The second is that, despite sleeping well, I fell ill and had to go back to bed in the time it took me to brew/steep my morning cafetiere. Well, I’m back up now and have downed my cold (alas!) coffee. It’s nice feeling 100% refreshed though. A novel experience indeed!

The rain has been coming down pretty hard since last night. I do enjoy the cosy sound of rain. It’s even better since I sorted out that horrible buzzing on the outside of the building, which even the dumbass council repair dudes couldn’t figure out.

Cut to me hanging out my bedroom window with a spatula at 1 am after a bottle of whisky.

And that wasn’t even about the buzzing.

Anyway, I think I’ll be holding off taking my rubbish down to the wheelie bins for another 24 hours. At least it’s that time of year now when I can put on more layers and snuggle up in front of the telly. I mean, I do the latter all year round anyway, but this time it’s comfortable. I was definitely born in the wrong part of the world!

I’m still enjoying 2 Broke Girls. The character of Sophie has just ben introduced, who’s amazing. I hope she remains a regular. She kinda reminds me of my dear-departed ex, only blonde. She does, however, have the same vivacious figure and penchant for pretty dresses. I doubt Sophie’s a maths genius too though.

I’ve also been watching some classic Disney cartoons. The Blurry Photos podcast recommended Mr Toad and Ichabod, which I actually wasn’t too impressed with; then I watched The Sword in the Stone, which has been a long time coming. I really enjoyed this one, and may even keep the disc out to watch again. It’s like somebody started reading T H White’s The Once and Future King, gave up after a few chapters, then just skipped to the end. I think the scene with the creepy witch actually comes BEFORE the fish scene, on paper. Them crazy Hollywood screenwriters! The bit with the love-struck squirrel mad me sad (I think it was supposed to), and I kept expecting Merlin to turn the girl-squirrel into a human for Wart to, erm, hang out with. Medieval-style. But Merlin didn’t. I’m guessing he would if they remade the film today. It bothered me so much that I actually searched for some fanart online, eventually coming across this cute picture:

Bless. At least I’m not the only one to think of it. Disney does seem to be remaking stuff into CGI shit-fests at the moment, so you never know. At any rate, I’m trying to buy up as many of their classic movies as I can, before they discontinue all physical copies in favour of Disney+.

Nerds prefer collecting stuff, dammit!

Speaking of the Arthurian legend, I also watched the prophetic (in terms of modern multiplayer video gaming) 2001 cyberpunk movie Avalon last night. The only copy I could get my hands on was an Italian release, so there actually wasn’t an English-language dub or subtitles (although, bizarrely, the opening “text crawl” was in English). I’ve wanted to see Avalon for twenty-two years, mainly because it was one of the first, if not THE first, live action film by anime director Mamuro Oshii (Patlabor, Ghost in the Shell, Skycrawlers). Even with only the original Polish audio on, I was sort of able to figure out what was happening. It has a wonderfully quiet tone to the whole thing, so it feels like something caught between David Lynch and Andrei Tarkovsky. The vibe I got as I watched blind was that it’s a film about a woman choosing to isolate herself from people after a bad experience, then being lured back into society, much to her peril. A bit like my life, basically. I checked a detailed plot synopsis afterwards and found I wasn’t too far off. I really recommend the film, but you shouldn’t worry too much if you can’t find a copy in your own language, as the visuals kinda speak for themselves.

The camera has a particular obsession with lead actress Małgorzata Foremniak who, I guarantee, you will fall in love with.

Was it yesterday I went out to see the nurse? That feels like weeks ago now. I seem to be over how upset I was when I got home, so that’s something. And I didn’t even have to resort to booze! Just a Wispa Gold.

Or two.

Righty, I best go wake up further and deal with life. I’m now watching Disney’s Robin Hood, which is a classic. I remember having a crush on the LITERALLY foxy Robin when I was little. In fact, I may still do.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!