A new day

I feel as though I have emerged from an immeasurably deep and dark cave. The past two and a half weeks have involved me making two very serious attempts to end my life, which has left me emotionally exhausted. But I’m feeling positive now. The second attempt, which nearly worked, had me starving myself of food and water. I got 48 hours in, and I would have continued, were it not for my lifelong mentor Keith Floyd who, during one if his cooking shows, made me chuckle. He didn’t say anything particularly funny, he was just being himself. But that was enough.

He saved my life once again.

So, to move things along, I’ve decided to make some changes in my life. These mostly involve going backwards. First, and most importantly, is to make sure I completely remove myself from social media. The last bastion of which was the dreaded YouTube, which I think was making me very unwell indeed. Therefore, I’ve cancelled my Premium subscription and logged out and deleted links and apps on all my devices.

It’s funny, I originally thought that it was the outside world I needed to hide from, but no, it’s the people on the internet I need to avoid. The invention of the smartphone really has ruined the internet for shy, awkward, lonely nerds such as myself. While potentially dangerous in a physically way, at least people in the outside world won’t push my nerves to the point of harming myself. The internet will purely be for shopping and posting here now. Nobody interacts with me on here, so I consider it safe.

The rest of my plan of action is five fold:

NO NEGATIVE PERSONAL THOUGHTS

This one is crucial. Basically, my brain was attacking me from all sides. I was lamenting my past, present, and future, all day every day. I was filled with regret and bleakness about everything. Just everything. Well, those thoughts are out. I’ll be trying to find a way of blocking such things in an efficient, non-alcoholic way. Perhaps by focussing on an image in my head, or carrying some kind of simple totem. I’ll even avoid reminiscing about the past, even if they’re fond memories. I’ll also stop conversing with myself around the flat, as there really is no point to that, and it often leaves me stressed out.

EXERCISE BIKE

This isn’t to lose weight, as I think those days are gone. No, it’s to lift my mood. Exercise is a good way of feeling good, even if it doesn’t necessarily make you look great. I’m going to try and have a 45 minute session before my bath as many times a week as I can. I used to do this all the time but, as with all exercise regimes, I quit when I wasn’t a lithe t-shirt model within a couple of weeks. I just need to keep reminding myself of the real reason I’m doing it.

GO OUTSIDE

As mentioned above, I have nothing to fear mentally from the people outside. I just have to go out there and do... something… anything. So I’m going to go to either a pub or restaurant once a week, probably on a Tuesday or Thursday, and leave it at that. After my visit, I’ll avoid going over every little detail of every little interaction I have with people, which is what I usually do ad nauseam. I’ll also make sure to rotate places, so I don’t get too familiar with anyone. That was the mistake I made with that pub I used to go to. When I arrive, I’ll just pick a seat waaay at the back and mind my own business. That worked for about ten years, then I got lured into being… urgh… sociable. Well, never again!

COOKING

While I really don’t care where I get my food from, I’m going to stick to cooking all my own stuff. This will include peeling and cutting potatoes for chips. I’m no baker, which is a science in itself, so simple one-pot recipes are my passion, and I simply don’t do them enough. Plus, like exercising, it’s very uplifting, as you’re doing something creative and constructive, only with cooking you also get to eat stuff! Big plus there.

STAY OFF SOCIAL MEDIA

I already addressed this above, but I feel it needs restating. No more internet people. Only outside people. So there.

And that’s that. Five potentially simple rules to live by. I may even keep this post to hand, just so I can remind myself of the important conclusions I have come to. Again, these aren’t radical changes, and I used to do them all the time, I’ve just slipped out of the light and allowed myself to become weighted down by personal grief and the negativity of people on the internet.

I think the reason why Keith Floyd inspired me was that, like me, he had had a life of failure and regret. He had failed business after failed business, debt problems, numerous failed relationships, issues with booze, and everybody in the world, from journalists, his own audience, to horrid internet people, just seemed to absolutely despise him. His very existence seemed to infuriate people. I can relate to that. But there he was, bumbling around on screen, being the flamboyant epicurean he was, and it made me chuckle. So who the fuck cares about what all those other cunts think?! While everybody out there seems to have rejected me for good, perhaps there will be one person who won’t be offended by me breathing in and out. Perhaps someone will chuckle at me, instead of pointing a judgemental finger.

Isn’t that enough?

We shall see.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!