Sticking to my guns

I’m about 3 days into my “tidied up life” and doing fairly well. What would have helped me along would have been a normal sleep pattern but, alas, I’m currently getting up at midnight. Hey ho, I’m sure it’ll right itself out. I just hope it does by around Tuesday, when I hope to get out the flat for a wander. I said in my last post that I’d either go to the pub or restaurant, but now I’m thinking I should do both. Basically, get right royally pissed, then sober up with some food so I don’t continue boozing for days after. Sounds logical, right? I am nervous about how alcohol will interact with my new and more positive mental state though.

Well, it’s Friday night/Saturday morning as I type, so that’s a few days off yet. I’m managing to stick to my “No Negative Thoughts” rule, although I was struggling Thursday. Having something to eat then going for a nap seems to douse the fire quite well. I’m cooking a lot, which is great. I’ve also had two sessions on the exercise bike which, as hoped, makes me feel great. It’s weird being so physical at 3 am, but that’s my life right now.

I’m managing to stay away from YouTube as part of my “No Social Media” rule, but it does take time to dust off old habits. Sometimes I’ll move to click on the app, either on my phone or PlayStation, then remember what I’ve committed to.

My mental totem seems to work quite well in times of crisis. If I begin to be attacked by negative thoughts, I just imagine a quant backstreet in an old Italian hilltop town. You know, the sort with washing hanging from building to building, little old ladies peeling tomatoes, and bike messengers bouncing along on the cobbles below their wheels. Or something. You get the idea. Anyway, that seems to work for some reason.

Usually I’d be cynical about any of this lasting, but those sorts of thoughts are against my new system, so I’m not allowing my usual nihilism to mess me about. I’m sure my cyclothymia will try to derail things too, but I’ll simply adapt my rules and galvanise them to its rules. Whether it likes it or not.

I’m in change.

I guess here will be the only place that I allow myself to mull over the thoughts I am now suppressing. Some may call this “denial” and rather unhealthy, but I think it’ll work for me. Nothing else bloody-well does.

I actually did a bit of writing yesterday. It’s a second pass at the first chapter of a new story. I’ve been planning it, a coming-of-age story, for a while, so I think it’s ready to be put down on, erm, electronic paper. The first pass I made a few months ago was a little dour, but this new one has more humour and direct human interaction. Listening to any audiobooks read by Frederick Davidson helps inspire me. He is the voice of my inner monologue and writing style, regardless of what he’s narrating.

I opened up to my old school friend by text about my recent self-harming. He was, of course, very loving about it, but we quickly went back to our usual obscene humour. He’s been going through similar mental anguish himself recently, so he can relate. He’s also now officially cheating on his wife. While I don’t condone this, she did it first and only confessed when she thought she’d caught something off her lover. Who knows what’ll happen next. I guess I could make up the sofa for him, should he caught and need a place to cool-off. He probably has friends more conveniently closer to him though. And he had a brother nearby.

One can always hope though.

Anyway, I’m currently sat watching John Woo’s Hard Boiled. This Italian Blu-ray (come on, UK distributors!) doesn’t have the original Cantonese audio but, bizarrely, the original language dub is just as silly as the English one. Oh I think the library book Tony Leung hides the gun in early on is the same three-volume collection of Shakespeare plays from the 19th century that I’ve collected. Isn’t that crazy?! I bought one in a second hand book shop on the Isle of Man when I was on holiday with the family back in the 90s, then found the other two recently on eBay (coincidentally, they only had the two I was missing, so perhaps it was the same book shop). I’ll check to see whether there are fake-blood stains around the edges of any of my three.

My brother keeps sending me texts updating me about mother’s health, but I’ve stopped replying to them. I think he sends out a group text and ignores any responses. Plus, well, I know there won’t be any good news regarding her anymore. Unless they can magically un-shrink her brain.

Seriously, that’s actually what’s happened to her.

Right, on that deeply sorrowful note, I best get back to super-gay Honk Kong cops shooting… everything.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!