The diva awakens

I’m feeling rather self-loathing this weekend. My weekly drinking binge ended Friday, but I was still suffering pretty badly yesterday (Saturday). Still, I think this dip in my mood is unrelated. I’m wondering whether stopping playing the lottery has really plunged me into a greater state of hopelessness, but I guess it’s better to be realistic and just accept I’ll never win. Or is it? When you’ve got nothing left to live for, perhaps a little false hope is ok.

See? Not one of my better moods.

I’m not sure how the near future is going to pan out. Everything has gone dark. I’ve lost all interest in playing guitar and writing and video games and movies and music. I went to bed early last night because I’d ran out of botheration. So, yeah, my sleep pattern is probably back to being weird. I had just about sorted it out too.

I finally ordered a new kettle, as the minor drip has turned into quite a heavy leak. Basically, I found a large puddle on the kitchen counter that was pouring onto the floor. Serves me right for putting off dealing with it. At least it’s done now. The local independent electrical shop I ordered it from said they can’t deliver until Friday, so I’ll be boiling water for my coffees in a pan until then. If I was more assertive, I’d probably have said to them: “What?! No. Get in your car right now and bring me my small items! Otherwise my feedback on your website won’t be positive this time!”. But I didn’t. I just said: “Oh, golly, ok, I guess I can make do until then”. Oh, I forgot to say, I ordered a microwave too. I’ve not had one in this flat at all since I moved in twelve years ago. I can’t explain why. I think maybe it’s because my ex trained me out of using one, thanks to her really swift gas cooker. Hmm, I guess I can explain. Anyway, I thought it was now time to invest in one, as I’ve just had one too many near-misses with my electrical cooker whilst drinking heavily. Well, these two new appliances will now have to count as Christmas presents to myself.

Whores will have their trinkets.

I’m just going through the Modern Family boxset which, when I’m in the wrong mood, can be insufferable. I’m currently on the episode where the titular middle-class white family is whinging about jetting off for a first class holiday in paradise.

Fucksakes.

I genuinely believe the “holiday episodes” were intended as team building getaways for the cast and crew, not for the enjoyment of the audience.

I don’t think my mood has been helped by watching a really depressing film during my booze session. I don’t know what possessed me. Trust me, DTs are only made worse by distressing movies that pull apart the morality of human society. It’s a really well-made film, but I won’t recommend it. It’s not a film anyone should subject themselves to. Actually, it should be used as a public service announcement or training video for social services staff.

Yeah, that depressing.

I’ve not found anything about that apparent stabbing on the local police’s website. There was a man in his forties found dead around the corner after concerns were raised for his safety, but that’s about it. Alas, that’s going to be the end of my story too, isn’t it? Perhaps that woman at the bus stop who told me about the stabbing was a fantasist. She did seem a bit off. I’m wondering whether that actual man dying had something to do with the tenant downstairs, as the police were banging on his door a few weeks ago, to no avail.

How sad.

There’s been a major storm outside all night. It’s one of those storms that makes you genuinely worry that your windows might get blown in. They’ve not though. Yet. Perhaps I should take out some contents insurance.

Well, I’m not sure what else to write about. Like I said, I’ve not been excited about anything, so there’s just nothing to report. Nobody’s visited. Nobody’s called. Nobody’s messaged. Maybe I should get drunk again. I’ve still not finished that blood pressure log, but I just don’t give a fuck. I just want to be left alone and not have to keep going to the surgery about all this fucking bollocks.

Just leave me alone.

Tales from the Valley

I finally managed to get out to post my prescription, pick up blood pressure meds, and get some energy meter top-ups. The latter weren’t terribly essential, but I felt better for having done it. You never know, more snow may come! I’ll need to take a few day’s worth of the meds before finishing off that blood pressure log for the nurse. After all, seeing how my body reacts to the meds is what the darned exercise is all about (and I’ve missed quite a few).

There was a nice, but very nervous, woman at the bus stop, who I managed to have a long-ish chat with. I think she was so nervous about leaving her flat that she had her mobile phone permanently held to her head with a friend on the other side. Apparently there was a stabbing within sight of my flat last week (I think you can see the area in question in that snowy photo I posted the other day), so that’s gotten everyone gossiping. I was shocked for about half a second, then was all like “Sadly, that kind of thing happens fairly regularly around here”. I did wonder whether the woman was my other next door neighbour, “Loud Phone Lady”, but she mentioned there were people living above her, so it won’t be her. Loud Phone Lady has been quite quiet lately, so I’m wondering whether she’s moved on. I guess she could be on holiday. Many Brits tend to fly south for the winter.

Sorry, Spain. 

I’m so, so sorry.

Anyway, it was nice just to interact with people for a change, however briefly.

I’ve just ordered booze for immediate delivery. I have got some on my grocery order to be delivered tomorrow, but I just can’t wait any longer. My crazy sleep pattern is making time go so slow. It’ll feel like a lifetime before the bigger delivery turns up tomorrow morning. I guess I should amend the order to take off the booze. Or maybe not. I’ll see how I feel after a few glasses.

I can hear The Whistler downstairs screaming at somebody. I’m not sure whether he’s on the phone or what. He doesn’t seem to whistle as much these days, but he has started getting vocal in a more general way. His antics do tend to change regularly. Sigh. Why can’t they give me chilled out neighbours once in a while?!

I supposed you don’t live around here if you’re at a chilled place in your life.

I’ve been amending those cute pop playlists throughout the night. I had my breakfast at 9 pm yesterday, so hopefully that will help you understand the mental strife I’m in. The doctor won’t give me sleeping pills, due to my history of suicide attempts. Physical activity would probably work but… you know… effort.

Right, I best go listen out for the booze dude.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

8

Well, amazingly, I managed to sleep for about 8 hours last night. I just went to bed in that bored huff, turned on a history lecture, buried myself under numerous layers, huffed some more, then slipped into a much-needed full night’s worth of sleep.

It’s. A. Miracle!

I’m sure I’ll be back to my frustrating 4 hour naps in no time, but I’m happy with what I can get.

The snow isn’t washing away as fast as I’d hoped, so I’m glad I pushed back my grocery delivery a day. I’d hate to be responsible for any accidents. The roads on this mountainside are notoriously dodgy, after all. I’m feeling almost ready for my next drinky-drinky session, so Wednesday’s delivery should come as a relief.

I’ve ordered an assortment of DVDs as a treat, although I’m not sure how the post is at the moment, what with the combination of Christmas and snow. We don’t often get the two together in Blighty.

I’ve been getting a spike in views on this blog too now. Like the ones over on my no-longer-updated The Whirling Post, these have a varied traffic source too. How queer! Oh well, nobody’s posting angry comments about some petty bullshit, so I suppose it doesn’t matter.

I hope I didn’t just jinx it.

I just watched Bill & Ted Face the Music, which was an absolute delight! It pretty much sticks to the Bill & Ted formula, while also giving us a kind of “greatest hits” of the first two movies. I wonder whether they’ll risk any more. There did seem to be a threat of putting the eminently-punchable hipster daughters in charge, but who knows. Hey, did anyone else notice how Billie and Thea were meant to be fronting the group at the end, but all they really did was direct the band (filled with notable bandleaders and improvisers, so WTF?!) and dance like twats? Well, I did. Anyway, at least the fabulous Kristen Schaal turned up, although I was gutted that they didn’t hire Wendy to play her fictional mum. Bah!

Girl’s gotta eat.

Oh and it was cool having William Sadler back as Death, even though he didn’t get to do any naked tai chi at any point. I’m sure he was sad about that too.

If you get that reference, please marry me.

Speaking of music and annoying kids, I found this while searching for some cute pop songs to cheer myself up with. It appears to feature a pissed 8 year old singing a Bavarian drinking song. I have no idea what the lyrics mean, so my theory is mostly likely wrong, but that’s what I’m now picturing in my head.

Ik Heb Zo Waanzinnig Gedroomd

I usually say that I’ve given up on society and want no more to do with it, but finds like this spark a flicker of hope within my darkened soul.

More like this please, life. More… erm… drunk kids embarrassing themselves.

Us grown-ups can’t have a monopoly on that, surely.

I think the council were putting the security shutters on a flat downstairs earlier, so I’m wondering whether that tenant with the dog has gone for good. He was rather loud, even without the dog or any loud music. Which is a talent, for sure.

I’ve currently got a batch of that homemade curry heating on the stove. I’d have ordered a takeaway but, like with the shopping, I fear it’s a little premature, what with the slippery roads. No doubt the driver would have rung me from the street, refusing to leave his vehicle. Sigh. Not doing it. I’m also boiling some brown rice for a change. I didn’t realise I actually had any in the cupboard, so this should make a fun change from basmati.

Wow, I really am lonely, aren’t I?!

So, yeah, I best go stir stuff and crack on with… other stuff.

Be excellent to each other, darlings.

Party on!

Bored

I’m so bored that I can’t even be arsed to get drunk, which is pretty fucking bored.

I don’t feel too tired, but I’m officially going to give up and go to bed.

It did snow hard last night, but it looks to be melting away already.

Just tried watching Legend, but then realised how boring it was. A film flawed from the bottom up. When the best thing in your lavish, special effects-laden, Ridley Scott-directed fantasy epic is Mia Sara, you’ve got fucking problems.

And I like Mia Sara.

Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey was fine, although not as enjoyable as Excellent Adventure. William Sadler’s Grim Reaper was fun, which was certainly an improvement over his dull Die Hard 2 villain (a film which shares Bogus Journey’s cinematographer, bafflingly).

Maybe I’ll write more on it when I don’t feel so… urgh… bored.

Did I mention I was bored?

Of all the billions of stars in the universe that go supernova every second, why can’t ours?! Then I would be rid of the tedium of existing. Humans should only live for twenty years. WHY AM I STILL HERE?!

So, yes, time for bed and maybe a Bob Brier lecture on Ancient Egypt.

Bob makes everything better.

A dog day afternoon

Well, I seem to have calmed down a little after yesterday’s funny turn. The whole horrible experience began around 2 pm-ish, while I was cooking dinner. There was a really intense sun in the sky around then too, which seemed to pierce into me like a searchlight. Going to bed was definitely the best thing to do, until sundown helped chill me out a little, that is. I’m wondering whether my cyclothymia is gearing up for another major shift. As mentioned in a previous post, I’ve come to suspect that my mental illness has started affecting my whole body. Well, when there’s a more profound shift, at least. I do feel like I’m in limbo a bit at the moment, so maybe all this will help focus my interests. I’m sad that I’ve moved on from reading history books, but these things do happen. Before my history fad, I was obsessed with the Discworld novels. Who knows what’s next. I’ve mostly been listening to that Blurry Photos podcast in bed while searching for something new. At least Flora and Stecco cheer me up.

I finished off watching Harold & Maude, having a good cry during the last five minutes. I mean, how can you not? I’m not sure I like the Cat Stevens soundtrack, as I find his music somewhat saccharine, but it’s a small niggle. I like how Harold’s mother isn’t a stock mean mum, as she genuinely seems to want to help her depressed son throughout the film, even going so far as to set him up with a woman he doesn’t particularly approve of. She does get frustrated with Harold from time to time, but I suppose we all would. I also managed to catch the brief glimpse of Maude’s sinister tattoo this time. The shot lasts for less than a second, but it says so much about her character. Some literal-minded commentators have said a person like her wouldn’t have been in a German concentration camp that tattooed arms during the war, but it’s never made explicit where she got it. This is a work of fiction, after all. She’d been on so many adventures and probably experienced so many regimes, that it could have come form anywhere. But, yeah, I get what it’s meant to imply.

So please do watch Harold & Maude, if you haven’t already. Not only does it feature wonderful philosophy, but it’s also very, very funny. Comedy can be intelligent and emotional too, you know.

Fart sound.

Yeah, so I’m not sure what was happening downstairs yesterday as I was having my freak out. The dog was barking for ages, probably reacting to a car alarm, then some people turned up at the tenant’s flat and seemed to take the dog away. I don’t know whether they were friends, family, or somebody official, but I think the oppressive era of the dog is now over.

I hope.

Again, it wasn’t bothering me so much, it was my next door neighbour’s loud and violent reaction to it that was upsetting me. He’s nice once you get to know him. Honest.

I also watched a bit of Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey after the sun went down. It’s a shame they chose the 1.85:1 aspect ratio over Excellent Adventure’s 2.35:1, as the latter has a bit more class. The cinematography is also rather garish, but hopefully that’ll calm down once the film gets going proper. I’m roughly ten minutes in, so I really shouldn’t be making such harsh judgements so soon. I was glad to see Joss Ackland turn up. Can you believe he’s still alive?! That guy has looked on the verge of death for about forty years now. Let’s hope he’s still got a decade or two left in him!

He’ll probably outlive us all.

I’m currently working on a cheesy pop playlist on Spotify, which is tapping into my creative side. Most of my playlists are just album compilations (so I don’t have to rummage around for the next one after the first is finished), but every now and then I actually get caught up in creating a “proper” best of list. I doubt I’ll post a link here, as it’s mostly likely nobody’s taste. Still, it’s helping to buoy my spirits for now.

I had a terrible food experience yesterday, which didn’t help my descent into freak out. I needed to use up a couple of fancy hotdogs, standard mushrooms, and a load of fresh chillies, so I decided to combined them all with a tin of cannellini beans and rice. It was horrid. I may have been able to improve it by simply adding some salt but, for reasons I cannot fathom, I found merely shuffling over to the salt pot and sprinkling some in to be too difficult. I’m tempted to make up for said culinary tragedy by ordering out later on today, but that’s no guarantee of quality either. I may just stick some chips in the oven.

On a more graphic note, I managed to have a wank in bed earlier without any external stimuli or bothering with a towel. This doesn’t happen very often, but my imagination seemed to be whirling. I was going to get up and prepare more, but just ended up shooting all over myself and rubbing it into my tummy like moisturiser. My masturbation routine changes regularly, so maybe this is the new thing my cyclothymia has been working on.

Crazy days!

Oh I checked my electricity meter and it turns out I have £85 credit left so, should I be snowed in today, I’ll be alright for a little while longer. To give myself some credit (no pun intended), topping up to a high amount in case of bad whether was part of the plan a few weeks ago anyway. Go me! I’m not usually so organised.

Ah, I literally just heard a couple of cars driving past my building very slowly and making a noticeable crunching sound with their tires, which isn’t a good sign. Hmmm, I guess a takeaway is now out of the question.

Right, I think I’ll go run my bath. I wonder how long my day will last today. I slept from 9 pm until 1 am, so it looks like I’m sort-of moving my sleep round to a healthier pattern.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Out of mind

Feeling strange. My brain’s all fizzy. Wonder if I’ve eaten something funny. Been hiding in bed, but now watching the new Best of the Worst to cheer myself up.

Weird goings on downstairs. Noises everywhere. Think that dog may have been taken away.

Bogus Journey has arrived.

Just want peace of mind.

Frosted window pains

“Oh my, how dearly the world still loves a cage!”

It’s nearly 5 am and I’m sat watching Harold & Maude, as one does. I guess it’s one of those films that’s perfect for anyone who doesn’t quite understand the world. Or life in general. Plus, hey, Bud Cort was the prettiest thing in the whole wide world back then. Ruth Gordon's smokin' hot too, of course. I’m hoping the film may aid the existential malaise I currently find myself in. I may even dig out some similar movies.

The first and third Bill & Ted movies arrived the other day, so I’ve watched the first. I believe the second is in transit somewhere. I forgot how enjoyable Excellent Adventure is. Such a good natured little film, with a very positive message. I’m not sure what the message is, but it feels positive. It also features one of my favourite cinematic tomboys, in the form of Jane Wiedlin’s Joan of Arc. I remember responding to her greatly when I was a kid.

In a nice way, of course.

Anyway, I look forward to finally watching Bogus Journey, but am naturally apprehensive about Face the Music.

I’m sure I’ll balance things out by watching an arthouse film or two… erm… some other time.

I think I may need to get up and turn the heating on, as I’m literally sat here shaking. The snow seemed to have mostly thawed by sundown yesterday, but I’m concerned more may have come during the night. We shall see. I still need to pop out to pick up medication and energy meter top-ups, so maybe I can squeeze that into my tight schedule later on. Saying that, I’m not a big fan of leaving the flat over the weekend. Too many youths about, and all that!

I ended up enjoying Season 4 of Rick and Morty, so I’m planning on investing in more discs. I had actually seen some of it before through a Netflix free trial years ago. You know, back when there were still only four seasons to watch.

Hmmm, I was surprised to find I managed to post two entries here during my weekly session. Drunk Jim isn’t usually quite that vocal, only being able to manage a text message or two. Sober Jim does not approve. Oh well, it’s done now. At least y’all were kept abreast of my squiffy adventures!

I get the feeling the tenant downstairs with the dog came up to have a word with my next door neighbour, “Angry Game Boy”, as the latter’s temper tantrums over the dog barking were getting violent. The dog owner is in the wrong, of course, but Angry Game Boy is taking it a little too far. I think he may have a mental illness that makes dog barking stab him in the brain like knives. Bless. I’m willing to sit with him and soothingly stroke his head, if he likes.

Moving on…

Oh, I think that’s it. I’ve had the fridge tub portion of my homemade curry, which was delicious! I’ve just got some other chilled items to use up first, before I defrost any more.

Brrr! I think I shall pause Harold & Maude and go for my bath. Yes, that should warm me through and through!

Do stay in touch, darlings

Toodles!