"Hey, let's grab a coffee sometime!"

Yeah, so not much has developed since the other day. My old school friend is still talking to me, which is a relief. He did seem to be a little off with me a couple of weeks ago, so I eased off. Then he voluntarily messaged me yesterday and we had a humorous back and forth, as we are want to do.

Dad still hasn’t acknowledged that DVD I sent him. I’d give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he’s on holiday but, considering he’s long retired and lives with his rich girlfriend, I seriously doubt he’d jet off somewhere during the school holidays. Even he’s not that daft.

My guitar guru has remained silent since that email I showed you fine folks an extract from. I’m guessing he’ll return that guitar to me without saying a thing. I’ve started to wonder whether he’s actually quit music altogether, and that’s why he really doesn’t want to accept my gift. He did get fired from his local dad-rock covers band a few years ago (he has a terrible temper on him), so maybe it was the final straw with regards to that part of his life. He is a bit of a social chameleon, after all, so perhaps his interests now lie in double dating with other married couples and discussing Netflix shows and Ikea over lattes and pain au chocolat.

Doesn’t the idea of that just make you want to blow your fucking brains out?!

Anyway, if he does message me to tell me the guitar’s coming, I’ve already drafted my response, so we shall see.

The birds still haven’t touched that feeder I put out for them. In fact, they seem to be avoiding my balcony altogether now, which is rather disheartening. I can hear them out there still, so they haven’t buggered off down south yet or anything.

My appetite is in flux at the moment. I did go through a brief vegetarian phase recently but, of course, now that I’ve bought a whole load of veggie stuff in, I’ve lost interest. Oh the joys of suffering from cyclothymia! I think I’ll “need” to order a takeaway tonight, as nothing in my food cupboard is really blowing my skirt up.

I’m still developing new song ideas, one of which I really like. I’ve probably copied the chord progression and melody from another song without knowing it, but that’s life.

I can’t tell you how much I’m enjoying proper, undisturbed sleep now. I can, however, confirm that those hypnogogic “adrenaline seizures” were the result of my antidepressants, which will motivate me to stay off them indefinitely.

Well, I best be off. I have… erm… sitting around to do.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Rejection City

My guitar guru is really pressing me on his desire not to accept the guitar I sent him. It’s now getting weird. He keeps saying he and his wife don’t even spend as much on each other for Valentine, birthday, or Christmases.

Maybe the problem isn’t with me.

Anyway, after his third response, I’ve told him just to throw it in the river if he doesn’t want it.

"Well, aren't you in a pickle then. If you send it back, you'll offend me, but if you keep it, you'll have to upgrade your love to your WOE-MAN.

Hmmm...

Ok, if I was more of an evil genius then, just maybe, I'd have an end game here. But I'm not. So I don't. I used to wear glasses and not talk much, so people thought I was smart. I'm not. Now I don't wear glasses. And I don't shut up.

You're making this weird.

Trust me, I've wasted MORE money on random internet "friends" (and this email exchange) in the last five years or so than you'd care to imagine. The social landscape of the internet has changed. Your boy will be sending girls cars over Snapchat before he even knows how to drive.

You've earned this.

Or just... throw it in the East Anglian flood plain. 

Peace  x"

I can’t be arsed with all this.

Three blog entries in a day?!

Effort.

My one reader in Portugal better appreciate this.

Gypsies, tramps, and thieves

No gurus.

No friends.

No pigeons.

No dads.

No nothing.

At the very least, I can say I’ve tried.

At the very, very, very, very least.

Sigh.

To all the kids out there - love will die after you hit puberty.

Nobody will have time for you anymore.

You might as well kill yourself after that.

Seriously, it’s not worth it.

People are just the worst.

Bird seed for the soul

 So my guitar guru finally got home and unboxed what I sent him. He said it’s too generous and he can’t accept it. I hope he’s just being polite. If he does actually return it then I’ll be very hurt.

I get a lot of pigeons on my balcony, so I thought I’d finally put some seed out for them. Some of them stay in town, even around autumn/winter, so it might help them out. They’ve not touched it yet.

I watched a documentary about Scott Walker yesterday. My dad’s a big fan, so I ordered him a copy. If he doesn’t accept his gift either, I think I’ll have a nervous breakdown.

At least I managed to finally pick up my medication yesterday. Everywhere was back open after the Bank Holiday. I also bought a blood pressure monitor, as my doctor wants me to keep track for a week.

Can’t imagine what’s stressing me out.

LIFE IS SO MUCH FUN.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Effects loop

Sometimes I hold off on writing one of these blog entries, should I have some minor escapade planned. Today, I knew I needed to go out to pick up some energy meter top-ups and my medication so, logically, I chose to wait until I got home to write something. There was a certain anxiety inherent in my journey, as I now know that I will usually have something to document.

And it won’t be good.

Well, this wasn’t the worst thing ever. Just a little embarrassing. Anyway, it’s Bank Holiday Monday today, which I was totally unaware of. I know a lot of local shops have closed down due to the effects of the lockdown, but it was like the post-apocalypse out there today. I did manage to get some meter credit sorted, which was a high priority, but the shutters were down at the pharmacy I usually go to. I really don’t think dispensers of life and death medication should be allowed to close on weekends and Bank Holidays.

It is now 2023, after all. Let’s update some opening policies, shall we?

At least I got something done. Sadly, I did get barked at by some arsehole’s yappy little mutt outside the shop. Dear All Dog Owners, if your dog barks incessantly at people for no reason, please do not tie them up directly outside places of public interest. Yours Sincerely, Every Other Human Being on the Planet Earth.

Fucksakes.

Oh well, I’m back home now and the oven’s on to reheat some takeaway leftovers. I need to put a grocery order in too, but I’m not desperate for supplies as of yet.

My guitar guru has been away for a week or so sunning himself, since it is the school holidays and all that. This is why he hadn’t yet acknowledged the guitar I sent him. Apparently, his neighbour texted my friend to let him know that he’d taken a parcel delivery for him, which is how he found out. It seems he responds to his neighbour’s messages, but not mine. I’m guessing my friend will be back home today or tomorrow, so I hope he likes what I got him.

It’s so nice that people only contact me nowadays when they’re worried they might be a victim of identity theft.

Well, I treated myself to some guitar accessories last night, which should arrive Wednesday. It’s not anything fancy, just a cable, some earplugs, an ebow, and a bunch of high E strings (they tend to break the most). I’ve never used an ebow before, so I’m quite excited to play around with it. I believe it allows you to hold a continuous note without actually plucking the strings. Very cool. The above guitar guru recommended one years ago and, for some reason, it’s taken me this long to finally take the plunge.

I’m still knocking about with singer-songwriting, instead of just instrumentals. I was encourage this morning when I realised I had one of my own songs stuck in my head. That has to be good, right? I’m actually tempted to contact that music school I went to briefly a few years ago for some basic singing lessons. I think shyness is my worst enemy. A softly-spoken person stands out like a sore thumb in a northern English town.

I also rearranged some amps in my living room too, as my little music nook has gotten rather cluttered. Some gear isn’t as accessible as I’d like it to be, which creates health and safety issues. It’s a work in progress!

Since I still need to go out for my medication this week, I’m wondering whether to tie it in with a trip to the pub. I haven’t been to one since May which, surprisingly, hasn’t bothered me as much as I thought it would. I am saving quite a bit of money, I must say. Hmmm, maybe I’ll just wait until the weekend and buy in my usual party box of red wine and go crazy with some bad movies.

Smash cut to…

So, yes, that’s my life at the moment - not much happening, but lots of things bothering me. I’m feeling better off my antidepressants. Those horrible “adrenaline seizures” have officially stopped, which makes it all worth it. I can actually go to bed now without fear of my head nearly exploding.

It’s the little things in life.

I dug out the film Walk the Line to watch the other day. I actually went to the cinema with my dad to see it back in 2005. Joaquin Phoenix is just amazing in everything he does. Seriously, I think he should get an Oscar every year JUST for being Joaquin Phoenix, regardless of whether he's worked that year or not. Plus it has Reese Witherspoon in it, whom I will forever have endless time for. Hey, have you ever noticed how you never see Reese Witherspoon and Amy Poehler in the same room together?! Well I have. I’m onto you, Reese Poehler! Anyway, I can relate to Cash’s difficulties with alcohol and being cursed with a creative spirit. The bit where June Carter’s mum tells June to go help out Cash when he’s having a meltdown always makes me tear up. I’m not 100% sure why:

Maybelle: You should go down there to him, June.

June: Mama?

Maybelle: He's all mixed up.

June: I am not goin' down there, if I go down there...

Maybelle: You're already are down there, honey.

See? I couldn’t even paste that in without having a little cry. I guess everyone needs a friend, even mixed up people.

Well, my late lunch/early dinner is ready, so I best sign off here.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

The £300 hangover

My experience of alcoholic binging seems to have changed somewhat, now that I’m off the ol’ brain meds. I feel like I do it now just for 48 hrs of mindless fun, rather than to completely self-destruct in the most nihilistic way possible. Is this better or worse? I’m not sure, but it’s happening. Not right this second, but in general. I started drinking on Friday and stopped on Sunday. So two nights of the usual debauchery, instead of an entire week. Not bad.

Hmmm.

Anyway, that old colleague, friend, and guitar guru is still not replying to my emails. Either he’s having some serious personal crisis, pissed at me about something, or a third thing. I don’t know. So, yeah, after most of a party box of Australian Shiraz on Friday, and after watching many Phil X guitar demos, I thought it’d be a neat idea to buy him a guitar. Not a terribly expensive one, relatively speaking, but I thought it might force a response from him, either way. He’s meant to see it as either something to cheer him up, or a peace offering. It’ll be delivered tomorrow sometime, so I’ll let you know what his reaction is. If there is one at all.

My biggest fear is that he’ll just not accept it from the courier and have it returned to sender.

We shall see.

I can’t bear more people phasing me out of their lives. Sigh. Overly emotional alcoholics are a sorely misunderstood breed.

I think.

Give me a break, I’m lonely and in need of love, platonic or romantic. Can you really blame a girl for turning to the warmth of a bottle for companionship?!

Or party box.

I’m just listening to some Guided By Voices, which I haven’t done so in a while. I was pretty obsessed with them for about five years after “Game of Pricks” featured on an episode of The IT Crowd in about 2006. Nobody likes moving on from an interest, as you feel like you’re being dishonest, but I guess you can’t fake it. I’m hoping my love of them is back for a while, as they are just the best. I’ve tired myself out of building those “screen choons” and Hawaiian folk playlists on Spotify, so methinks my brain just needs a change.

Oh I’ve also started toying with adding lyrics to my guitar chord progressions. I think I mentioned that I was hitting a brick wall again with my playing, so maybe a return to singer-songwritering will be a step forward. Not convinced my neighbours will be too happy about it though. Did I tell you I can’t sing? Oh well, many great musical artists of our time can’t sing either, but that doesn’t seem to stop them. Why not me, huh?!

Well, I’ve not got much else to report, other than my usual tawdry financial ruin thanks to my love of wine, women, and theatre.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Cheer down

Well… hurrah!… I managed to recover from my wagon-falling after only three days, without sinking into another whisky abyss. I did have a bit of the golden death, but managed to pull myself out before it was too late. There’s still half of a litre bottle left in the kitchen. Perhaps coming off my medication has actually helped. I have had to pop a couple of 50mg tablets, three or so days apart, just to counter the dizzy spells. Yes, they finally reared their ugly head. Oh well, I’m pretty sure that, in general, I’m finally off them now. For good? Probably not. I still need to go pick up my diabetes medication from the pharmacy though, which I keep putting off. That can’t be good for me. I can tell it’s affecting my appetite.

On my sober days, I’ve kept myself busy with building a few playlists on Spotify. I’m quite proud of my compilation of alternative movie songs (although there is the odd hit on there). What started off as just a way to put some cheesy 80s tunes together has, unsurprisingly, turned into a labour of love. I always seem to get carried away with my lists.

Anyway, here it is…

screen choons

Let me know what you think, lovers.

What else? Oh, I’m still in text contact with that old school friend. It seems he’s having a life-crisis similar to the one I had back in the late 2000s. I’m trying my best to give him advice but, considering we haven’t seen each other since before we hit puberty, I’m kinda flying blind here. I don’t think it’s helped him that his wife cheated on him recently and that he’s employed in a job he doesn’t like (that he had to take because he was forced out of his last one). Poor guy. I’m mean, most people like those things happening to them, right?

Who knows, maybe we’ll end up together. We really were a camp little pair, back in the day. Plus I’ve been very open about my bisexuality, which he seems cool with. Stranger things have happened!

I’ve just had a few films arrive in the post: Death Becomes Her, Xanadu, and The Witches of Eastwick. I’ve been watching the former this afternoon. I must have watched it a hundred times when I was a teenager. It really rocks along, and has a very campy tone to it. Don’t think I picked up on that at the time, but it stands out to me now.

My guitar guru hasn’t been in touch in ages. I send him a music-related email every now and then, but he never replies. I think I may have offended him somehow. Or maybe he’s got intense stuff going on in his own life. We are both at that age where people keep dying on us. Good times.

Lol, I could just hear the woman next door abusing some poor customer service person over the phone. She’s one of those humans that doesn’t realise only need to speak at normal volume when using said communications device. I find her funny though, unlike The Whistler downstairs. Yes, he’s still doing that. All day and night. Sadly, I’ve heard him doing some decorating recently, so he may actually be here to stay.

Sigh.

Well, I think that’s all for now. Just thought I’d keep you abreast of my comings and goings for… I dunno… some reason.

You are having fun though, right?!

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!