Decreasing motivation in the face of apathy

Well the last week and a half at college has been a mixed bag of wasted time and false starts. Our tutors keep cancelling lessons in favour of menial tasks involving college promotion whilst my attempts to start my own music project have been hampered by my own lack of confidence as a performer. I think it’s safe to say that, without the other non-music lessons to keep me going, coming back to college this term would have been pretty pointless.

My girlfriend has been coming off her antidepressants recently and seems to be struggling at home and in work. I’ve sent an email to my college tutor explaining that I need to be at home and that I will not be returning to college today… I just don’t think being away from home at the moment is worth it. Also I need to investigate into work experience for college so maybe I’ll do that if I get a chance this week.

There was an incident on Thursday night which has gotten me a little concerned and unsettled. After a late night in the student bar I returned to my room and ordered a takeaway food delivery. About half an hour later the dorm warden rang me very angrily explaining that my food had arrived and that I wasn’t to expect her to tell me about it. After I picked up my order I texted the warden and asked to discuss what just happened as I didn’t think her attitude was particularly fair. This proved an error as the following conversation descended into an argument and ended up with me hanging up. The situation wasn’t helped by me being rather drunk and downhearted, however the warden seemed to antagonise me further and be acting very unreasonably. I’m not sure whether to complain about the incident or not as my judgement and viewpoint is very hampered by my poor memory of what happened. Oh well, we shall see if anything is mentioned when I return next week.

I’m glad to be home for a little while longer and I’m really looking forward to finishing college for good. The warnings I’d received from previous students on the music course have turned out to be correct: it’s a waste of time and I’ll walk away feeling bitter and used. At the very least it’s given me guidance for what I might want to do in the future… unfortunately the path I choose will have to involve a lot of self-tuition.

I wanted this six months away from home to be worth it and it’s slowly turning out not to be. Cheers guys. Much appreciate :(

Back out west

Well I’m back at college. I’m trying to work on my own music project in the hope that it will force me to learn something. The lecturers seem keen to set me on something productive so everybody’s happy. I just hope I have the confidence to work on music I’ve written myself and be able to master the studio equipment.

It’s weird trying to work on my music in public away from my home comfort zone. I don’t know why I get shy about it as I’ve recorded in front of friends and relatives before and it never bothers me. I don’t know why college staff/students are so different. I think it’s just me that’s different, not them.

I’m slowly adjusting to being back in halls of residence again but I’m attempting to keep a low profile this term. I’m not going to go out drinking on “school nights” anymore and will try and get the most out of being here in an academic sense.

I’m also going back to my old work diet: no breakfast; no lunch; and whatever turns up at dinner. I’m not checking the college menu obsessively like I was last term which was making me hungry. I’ve stocked up on healthy-ish snacks in my room which should stop me ordering takeaways and loading up on sandwiches in the canteen.

I had a good counselling session today and I think I was able to explain my fears and concerns concisely. I always worry that I won’t make sense, but I guess that’s the whole point of going... to try and make sense of all my confused thoughts and feelings.

I keep forgetting to look for a new external dvd drive for my laptop as my current/old one is on it’s last legs and takes ages to get going. Sigh. All I do out of hours here is watch dvds, so I could do with a better one. Fingers crossed I can get a cheap one that’s still better than my knackered one.

The weather is very erratic at the moment and it’s hard to know how to dress from one minute to the next. You can go for a sunny walk in shorts and a t-shirt and come back soaking wet. Weird.

Righty, must go watch Friends... (on dvd of course... slowly lol)

Heat wave!!

The last few days has involved a lot of cooling down as the temperature has really soared. Let’s call it what it is: a heat wave. Although this morning it seems to be a lot cooler so I guess I’ll be out doing the gardening later.

Tonight I’m going to take part in a pub quiz with my girlfriend and a couple of her friends. We met up with them on Saturday and had a good time. Since it was a lunch date I drank alcohol responsibly but I think the quiz tonight will remain “dry”. I know what I get like during night time drinking sessions… not good.

We had a bbq yesterday which was nice, although some undercooked sausages may have given us tender tummies today. I received a call from our old housemate threatening to turn up later on in the evening but they never did. I’m keeping my ears open today as, well, you never know. The phone call made us all very tense in the house and provided a reminder to my girlfriend that she needs to figure out what she wants to do in life. I do too, of course, but her situation is more volatile at the moment.

Because my girlfriend’s been off for the past five days I’ve not had a chance to do any music recording. Not that I would have in this heat, but it’d be nice to have the option. I’ll try and get two demos done before I head back to college next week.

I’ve bought some new clothes that are more befitting the summer months. They look quite nice and hopefully make me look a little less out of place. I also bought some new trainers which I’m getting used to… I received a nasty blister the other day during an evening walk around the block, ouch!!!

I’m meant to research work experience placements while I’m off but I’m not sure where to look or how far down the line I’m meant to go in terms of contacting people. I might look into the local universities and colleges to see if they have music departments I could work in. That would be cool.

There’s some leftover special fried rice in the fridge from the takeaway we had last night (yes, after the bbq, eek) which I quite fancy for breakfast. Naughty boy!!

I’m really getting into the Band of Brothers dvd box set while I’m off. It’s a proper period-drama-for-boys and is as good as I’d hoped it would be. I might even buy it in the shops as it’s only about £20 at the moment.

Well, I best start putting the day into motion…

Home for the hols

I came back to Sheffield last Friday for the Easter break. It’s nice being at home but I have come down with a rather severe case of hay fever so I’ve spent this week feeling quite, quite rotten.

I want to record some music demos while I’m off to take back to college so I can start learning to use the recording gear there properly. Fingers crossed I’ll feel better next week so I can crack on with that.

When I return to college I might try and get another move as I’m getting fed up with the collection of dullards in my section of the dorm. I thought I was pretty straight laced but these guys seem to provide a new definition for the phrase. I think they’re just self serving control freaks who find it hard to be honest about themselves, so perhaps my own brand of insular self deprecation doesn’t mix well (or maybe it mixes too well and gives them something to abuse).

My old house has finally been sold by the mortgage lender and the shortfall isn’t as bad as I’d feared. Nevertheless I’m going to see about applying for a Debt Relief Order in the hope that I can start focusing on my future. I hope that I can keep my remaining musical equipment as losing that will mean a real set-back.

I must stay in contact with friends while I’m off on holiday. There are a couple of nice people at college that I’d like to stay in touch with, but being the uncertain and under confident person that I am, I’m not 100% sure they want to stay in touch with me. I am a silly sod sometimes, but what can you do?

My end of term reports at college were generally ok, but there was one from my least favourite tutor that required explaining. It was at that stage that I raised my concerns about the lack of continuity, focus and organisation in the training being provided. If we’re meant to teach ourselves then why are we paying for specialist tuition at a residential college?

My girlfriend has got a few things planned for the period that I’m off. Let’s hope we’re both in the mood when it comes round to it. We’re terrible for cancelling plans at the last minute. Just a mini-pub crawl would be nice, however I’m not too fussed about drinking when I’m at home… it’s surreal enough here, alcohol only seems to sober me up, lol.

We’re looking after a friend’s two guinea pigs while they are away on holiday and we’re quite enjoying the extra company. Our own guinea pig doesn’t seem to care about the new arrivals however the rabbit has been extra playful when we take her out of the hutch so I’m wondering if she’s making an extra effort in the fear that she’s going to be replaced. She won’t, of course, and the new arrivals will be off home soon.

The sun’s finally hit this fine land and I still haven’t got much summer wear that fits me. I bought some shorts the other week but I still need a pair of trainers and some lighter shirts. I look daft in smart shoes and dark colours. Oh well, I hardly ever fit in anyway.

Right, must dash, I have a runny nose to wipe, yuk!!

"Angles" - The Strokes (album review)

It’s always nice when a song comes along that hits so many giddy nerves in your body that it makes you whistle and skip from the breakfast table right through to your midnight cereal raid… and it just so happens that “Under Cover Of Darkness” on The Strokes’ fourth album Angles is one of those tunes. In fact it’s so riff-tastic and catchy that you almost curse yourself for not coming up with the idea first.

Thankfully though this isn’t the only gem on the band’s long awaited (and much feared by this reviewer) follow-up to the deeply flawed First Impressions Of Earth which frontman Julian Casablancas managed to spoil almost single-handedly with a collection of vocal melodies which plunged to the very nadir of songwriting craft. Angles, predictably much like it’s title, has a few new angles to it, but the resulting record is neither confused nor rambling… it’s also mercifully shorter than it’s overlong predecessor.

From the colourful opener Machu Picchu onwards it’s clear that The Strokes have finally remembered how to infuse a bit of sunlight and fun into their garage rock groove and have brushed away the cobwebs of the past to march ahead to a more promising, productive and artistically valid future.

There are some lovely 80s flavours to the album, so much so in fact that on tracks like “Two Kinds Of Happiness” and “Games” you half expect Cyndi Lauper to make a guest appearance and wink cheekily through your speakers with a mouth full of bubblegum.

Elsewhere there are more earnest experiments into Radiohead-style alt-rock that thankfully aren’t left field enough to spoil the flow of the record and end up being entertaining in their own right. For those yearning for a reminder of their first two albums then “Taken For A Fool” comes with a lush chorus that must’ve been picked straight up off the cutting room (on fire) floor.

Angles is certainly one of the better albums to appear during this guitar-rock lull and the shoulder pad inducing synths are mixed well with the band’s familiar retro sound.

Give it a go… it’s a very rewarding “grower”.

4/5

The best and worst of both worlds

I think this is now my fourth week at college studying Music Technology. I’m still trying to figure out what to do with the skills I’m picking up when I leave but at the same time hoping that I’ll pick up enough in the relatively short time that I’m meant to be here. I’m enjoying the music production side, but find it very hard setting up musical equipment as my night blindness causes certain health and safety issues... basically I’m worried about tripping over mic leads and denting my face on the side of a grand piano. My tutors are really nice guys (although one needs to tone down the “bad cop” act a bit... I respond better to the lighter touch) and the atmosphere in the music department is very laid back. Actually it’s so laid back that I’ve struggled a bit to acclimatise to the uneven pace (sometimes rushed and frantic, sometimes slow and chilled).

I seem to be clicking socially with people outside my course more, which I sort of expected. There are the usual soap opera dramas going on including tears and arguments, but I’m trying to stay out of that and generally keep myself to myself. A few of us are trying to make a habit of going for drinks outside of the college as we’re not massive fans of the student bar (too many kids acting tough and too much loud music... do I sound like a grumpy old git? Lol).

For the first few weeks I seemed to forget what it was like being at home and so this week it came as a shock when I did finally go home and was reminded of what I was missing. It felt like I’d been away for months. I didn’t realise how much I missed my girlfriend until I saw her on Thursday and we had a long hug and spent the weekend just mooching around the house together eating takeaways... perfect.

I’ll make sure I go home every couple of weeks to remind myself of why I’m actually at college in the first place as I really was starting to forget.

We shall see.

I’ve neglected my own music writing while I’ve been here and away from my guitars. Being amongst professional musicians has made me feel like a bit of a fraud and a food and I’m finally appreciating proper musical craftsmanship rather than my own amateur noodlings.

Anyway, I hope to post a little more regularly now that I’m gradually settling in.

Right, onwards and upwards...

A student at 30

I’m writing to you from sunny Hereford in the college library. I’ve escaped to here from the canteen as it gets a bit like a kindergarten in there at times. Very stressful.

I’m enjoying the music course but finding it a little hard to understand so far. I’ve been a big fish in a small pond up until now.

The college accommodation is nice, although I’m sharing a lodge/cabin thingy with two brothers who were already here when I arrived... so I feel like I’m intruding a little.

I’ve made some new friends which is great. We go out drinking a lot to the student bar and have some bleary mornings, lol. I mustn’t drink too much or I’ll stop learning, but I’m tempted tonight because I feel a little stressed.

Things haven’t changed much since I was last here eleven years ago, apart from a new lick of paint here and there.

I’m only here for four months so I’m guessing time will pass quite quickly. I might go home this weekend but if the train strikes are still on then I won’t bother. I can’t be arsed with rail replacement buses.

I’ve heard that there might be riots in Sheffield this weekend due to a local political conference or something, so that’ll give me another reason not to head home.

Not sure how often I’ll update this while I’m here, although I do need to get my creative writing skills up to speed as my mind keeps going blank when I hit the keyboard, eek!!