Me, me, me

Hiya, just thought I’d drop by to clear up a few things about what’s been going on with me lately. It does get a bit graphic, so approach with caution.

I’ve still not seen a doctor about the medical condition I originally feared was HIV/AIDs. The two have similar symptoms, so you must forgive me for my melodramatic outbursts over the past month or so. The STI blood tests came back negative, but a skin specialist at the sexual health clinic theorized I may have diabetes and a related chronic skin condition. The latter keeps me in agony every day, and by the sounds of it there’s no cure. I’m popping ibuprofen like nobody’s business. The former is scary, as I don’t know how it’ll affect my body and personality. I feel spaced out a lot and don’t feel like me, which is my ultimate fear. It’s also rather embarrassing as it comes with the “fat people disease” tag. Sigh. I’m not sure how I’ll handle more medical conditions on top of my visual impairment and depression. It’s like the last thing I need right now. Still, I’ll talk to my doctor about all of this and get advice. It’s taking so long to see him because I’m waiting to see my regular GP, who should know my history and might be a little softer with me. He did warn me a few years ago that my blood-sugar level was rising, so I guess I only have myself to blame for not getting checked regularly. Hope he doesn’t rub that in.

I’ve had bouts of suicidal thoughts while all this has been going on, which I’ve diva-like hinted about on social media. A friend did notice and called me up on it, which I feel bad about. When you get so wrapped up in your own neurosis you tend to forget about other people. I’ll be sure to tell the appropriate people in future. I don’t wish to upset anyone, and I appreciate your patience.

In slightly more positive news, a friend at my local pub has mentioned he might like to meet up with me next week for a few beers in town. Meeting new friends after trying to cut ties with my ex has been a priority recently. Networking during lunchtime pub sessions is 100% easier than on a Saturday night. I heartily recommend it to anyone who’s socially awkward like me.

This friend has a girlfriend, so I don’t believe there’s any chance of romance. I don’t find him particularly attractive anyway, so I certainly won’t be making a pass. I’m curious to see how it goes. It’s been a while since I’ve been out alone with someone who wasn’t my ex. You never know though, maybe he might know somebody who might suit me. He has a rather large friend-base.

My sex drive is certainly healthy at the moment, despite my woes. I can generally masturbate in bed without the aid of porn in the morning, which is even easier now that I’ve lost a bit of weight. Turns out the weight loss is probably linked to the diabetes and NOT me coming off my antidepressants, which is why the symptoms went by unnoticed for so long. Sexy, huh? But, yeah, I’ve started to enjoy staying on my back and shooting over my stomach and chest. I can’t get to my mouth yet, which is a shame, as I like the taste of cum. Shall keep trying though.

This afternoon I used an improvised, but protected, dildo. Halfway through I thought I might try DPing myself, which went quite well. These improvised dildos were a lot bigger than that vibrator I bought a few posts ago, so I was very much in anal heaven. It got a bit messy, but I’ve learnt to plan a head and have disposable towels at the ready. I’m a professional! I usually imagine that I’m a girl with two nerdy twinks wanking over me when I destroy my asshole. This all ties in with my fluid sexuality and gender. I’m quite a fan of threesome videos and would like to try the real thing someday. Doubt it’ll ever happen though. DPing myself will just have to do for now.

Anyway, with that vision in mind, I’ll leave y’all to your own devices.

Do stay in touch.

Toodles!

A mind in exile

I’m finally feeling clear headed and inspired enough to put some of my personal thoughts down on “paper” again. Not a great deal has happened in terms of adventuring lately, which is the main reason for my silence; although other things of a rather disquieting nature have. Mainly, my health seems to be declining, which is making me more and more anxious as the days go by. I’m due to see my GP in a couple of weeks (good old NHS waiting lists!) and I’ve got a feeling he’ll have some bad news for me. I won’t go into detail now, as I don’t know anything for sure, but let’s just say that the light that used to be on in the distance is dimming somewhat. I might have to start putting the chairs on the tables soon.

That last sentence sounded so melodramatic that I want to shake myself. Even the title of this post is pretty wanky, but that’s just how I’m feeling. I can’t stop how I’m feeling.

Anyway, my creative side is at an all time low, although I get a burst of inspiration every other day or so. My head’s very clouded and I’m struggling to know why I should bother anymore. I’d blame this negativity on coming off my antidepressants, but I was more motivated before I went on them ten years ago. So I’m concerned it’s something else.

This week I seem to be getting into reading again, which in turn is flaring up my interest in writing (hence this). I’ve got a couple of larger fiction projects going on simultaneously, so I’ll try tackling either one of those at some point over the weekend.

Music-wise, I keep practicing guitar every day, although even this is minimal. I just do some finger exercises and a few chords and scales, then I’m done. The usual “…and then I jammed for a good hour or so” seems to have gone.

What’s keeping me ticking over is my daily routine, which involves video games, movies and the pub. If I didn’t have my well-trod routine to work to, I’d probably not get out of bed at all. Most days I wish I didn’t even wake up.

I can tell how low my self-esteem is by how much stock I put into playing the lottery each week. When I don’t find that email from the lottery people in the morning after each draw, I just want to cry. I’ve convinced myself that nothing else will get me out of this shithole, and then even that probably won’t improve my health.

The one flicker of positivity I have is that there’s a person I like and I think they like me too. I’m good at building things up in my head about, well, everything, so I’m not going to do anything unless they give me a sign that something’s up. I’m pretty passive about these things and usually too shy to say anything, so nothing will probably ever come of it. All I know is that I’ve not felt this strongly about anyone in years. Not even my ex-girlfriend. It feels good to go to bed at night thinking about a person, then wake up the next day still thinking about them. If that’s the last thing I ever feel, then I reckon I’ll be ok about that.

Love is pretty awesome.

Well, I hope y’all are doing well.

Do stay in touch.

Toodles!

Holding my breath

I went for a check-up at the urology clinic last week, as I was hoping it would clear-up some concerns I’ve been having about my body lately and rule out certain things. I’ve still not received the results but, as I browse the web for my symptoms, I become more and more nervous. If everything’s clear, I’ll get a simple text message from the clinic. If there’s something up, I’ll get a call. I’m now expecting a call.

If it’s the worst thing, then I think I’m more scared of the idea of getting sick, suffering and experiencing pain, rather than what will come after that.

If I do get that call, I just want things to run their deadly course as quickly as possible, if you understand me.

I suddenly feel very alone.

UPDATE: The results came back negative. Yay!

Older and unwiser

So it was my birthday yesterday, which I was pretty hungover for. It seems to have become a thing every year where I crack and start drinking a day early. This year I felt pretty miserable the day before, so I just fancied a pick-me-up and, to be fair, it worked. I had a great evening. Just a day early. On the actual day, I got up around 5am, had a shower and started my Disney movie marathon before the rest of the country was up. I guess I just didn’t think staying in bed a few more hours would cure my hangover, so I just got up and got on with it. I really enjoyed the four films I watched, which were The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin and The Lion King. While these four films were mega-huge when they came out, I’ve never actually gotten round to watching them, so my birthday seemed like a good excuse for a binge-watch.

Just remind me next year not to get drunk the night before.

I didn’t get many birthday greetings, which is fine, as I don’t really get involved with anyone else’s birthdays. I did get a handful of shout-outs on Twitter from people I do actually care about, so that was awesome. I turned off my DOB on Facebook, which is how those birthday notifications get sent out to everyone. It usually annoys me when I get told of everyone else’s birthday, so I assume it annoys them too. I dunno, maybe I’ll change it for next year. I’ll have a think. We all like a bit of attention now and then, right?

Oh, I did just get a card from mother. A day late. In it she says “I hope you are still friends with [your ex-girlfriend], which was a rather pointless and insensitive addition. I wonder how she’d feel if I said the same to her about her ex-husband. You know: my father, the man with whom she hasn’t spoken with for eighteen years? I’m sure she’d love that.

So, yeah, that’s annoyed me this evening. Mum’s good at that.

Speaking of my ex, it sounds like everyone and their dog has gone to visit her in hospital, so I’ll not bother. Our friendship is done. I only agreed to see her the other week because I wanted to catch up with our mutual friend. It was a bad idea all around. I think it may have given the ex the wrong impression. Silly me.

Right, that’s my mini-rant over and done with.

Hope y’all have a nice long weekend!

Toodles!

Intimate packages

Golly, I’ve had a day full of deliveries today! So many nice men coming to my door, but none of them staying. Alas!

The groceries came first thing, which I purposefully booked a very early slot for. The reason for this was to hopefully get everything delivered before the afternoon so I could go swimming but, while the groceries did indeed come on time, the others ended up being just a little too late for my swimming, erm, window.

I kept getting anxious too, as my next door neighbour’s going through a phase of popping in and out of the building constantly throughout the day and night (I have no idea where he goes), so he kept accidentally bumping into my deliveries. I think he’d coincidentally also ordered some groceries for this morning too, so when he heard mine coming, he rushed downstairs to meet the guy and was confused by the fact that it wasn’t his. The same thing happened with one of the later packages, but I think the courier mistook my neighbour for me. Luckily, while dishonest in other ways, my neighbour doesn’t seem to be a parcel stealer like 99% of the folk in this area. Well, suffice to say, everything got through without molestation.

The first of the two afternoon deliveries was a particularly personal item, so I was very glad it didn’t go astray. I decided to treat myself to a prostate massager/vibrator for the bedroom (of course). It came (no pun intended) in a very discreate DVD boxset-sized case and was very easy to set up. They even threw in a battery and some lube, both of which I already had, but I still thought it was nice of them to do it. I’d never used one of these before, but I struggled to believe it would be any more complicated than “just shove it up your arse and press ON”, which it wasn’t.

For me, I found the massager a bit too small. I’ve given it a quick go, but felt very little sensation. Maybe I should watch some porn first, just to get me going. I dunno, I guess I’m more used to larger dildos that totally destroy my ass and hurt like hell, which is kind of my thing. This massager is, by contrast, rather “cute”.

Well, the second afternoon delivery - and third overall today - were my two cases of beer (as mentioned in my last post). These arrived just as I was finishing up testing out the vibrator, so I was rather concerned my hands weren’t fully clean when I signed for it. I’m pretty sure they were. Mostly. Anyway, I was going to wait until after my Disney movie marathon tomorrow to start drinking, but I’m half tempted just to dive into them tonight instead. I’m waking myself up with a coffee as I type, so maybe I won’t need them.

I was surprised none of the bottles were broken actually, as the delivery company was the dreaded Yodel, who’ve become rather notorious over the years for their amateurish delivery skills. But, nope, everything was intact. The delivery guy was lovely too. He said: “I could do with one of these after lugging them up all these stairs!”, to which I should have said “You’re welcome to drop by after work, if you like!” but, of course, I just laughed and awkwardly mumbled something incoherent.

Maybe next time.

Oh, some weird news, my ex has landed herself in hospital. Apparently she has blood clots on/in her lungs, which could be caused by one or more of her medical conditions. The consultant has said she may be kept in for the rest of the week, but I don’t think I’ll go visit her. While I do, of course, care about her wellbeing and wish her well, I’m trying to tie our friendship up, and rushing to see her in hospital is something a boyfriend does. And I’m not that anymore. She’s got plenty of friends and relatives more mobile than myself, so I’m sure they’ll be visiting. I also think she needs a bit of a shock to the system regarding her health in general, so maybe being cooped up alone in a grim NHS hospital for the best part of a week will finally force her into action, rather than her just talking about it. Endlessly. Plus it’s my birthday, so I just don’t wanna go. She ruined enough of my birthdays in the past while we were still going out.

So, yeah, I'll probably go visit her tomorrow.

Anyway, I best go figure out what to do with myself for the rest of the evening.

Toodles!

Park and tide

I’m trying to keep myself busy at the moment, so I’m making sure I get out to do more activities. Basically, I’ve been concerned I might be turning into a tinfoil hat-wearing kook, so anything other than sitting in front of my laptop worrying about the world is on the agenda.

On Sunday I braved a trip out to Endcliffe Park for some fresh air and a taste of greenery, which was a challenge for me because a) I’d never been before and b) it was a Sunday, so that mean FAMILIES. Actually, I didn’t mind how busy it was (and it was very busy), because it meant I felt safer exploring the place for the first time. After the park (which included an ice cream), I checked out the local area, which is Ecclesall Road/Hunter’s Bar. “Eccy” Road is quite a student accommodation hub, I believe, so it’s like a mini town-within-a-town, with loads of shops, restaurants and pubs. Basically, there’s plenty to do. I’ve been there quite a few times, but not the park. I think if I go for a walk at Endcliffe again, I’ll pop into one of the real ale pubs along Ecclesall Road after. Sounds like a plan!

Well, after figuring out how to get from the park to Ecclesall Road, I caught the first bus heading in the direction of town. I had ten minutes to decide what to do next, so I went with having a Burger King binge down at the train station (they closed the Burger King that was actually in town). I wanted to try their chicken nuggets, as a friend has spoken highly of them, but there may have been a Double Whopper w/ Cheese too. And some chips.

Don’t look at me.

Anyway, I managed to get that all done and get back home before the evening, so I was quite proud of myself. I may switch between Endcliffe and the other parks in Sheffield. I’ve been to Weston Park, the Ponderosa and Hillsborough Park before, so I shall have a think.

Yesterday (Monday) I managed to get out for another swim, which was great. I wasn’t sure whether I’d enjoy the pub afterwards, due to how tiring swimming is, so I initially just popped into my local for a coke and some nuts, but then decided I was good for an ale or two. Four hours later, I finally left. The two activities actually made a fun combination. When I got home I quickly ordered a Chinese takeaway, then had an early night. I’m trying to get into the habit of not continuing drinking after getting home, mainly because I just fall asleep anyway, so it’s a waste of effort ad hoc getting more booze in. I seem to be sticking to this quite well. Which leads us to…

It’s my birthday this week, so I’ve treated myself to a couple of cases of real ale from an online retailer. Somebody recommended one, but it was way too spendy, so I just went browsing on Google, eventually settling on a company called “Beer Hawk”. It seems like good value for money and I didn’t recognise any of the brands in the cases, which was a big plus! They should be coming tomorrow. I did just ring to check my order was placed, and the person told me stuff will be arriving tomorrow (Wednesday) via Yodel. Nooooo! Yodel means half the bottles will be smashed. Sigh.

Oh, I did originally book a hotel in town to get the fuck out of Dodge for a couple of nights for my birthday, but it was so expensive, and cancelling meant I could order all that beer. Perfectly logical, right? I think I’ll save up for a self-catering holiday instead, which is an experience I prefer.

Right, I think that’s all for today’s confessional.

Hope you all are well!

Toodles!

Buzz, beer and bathrooms

Still buzzing slightly after yesterday’s impromptu pub session. I had just had one of those mornings where I couldn’t picture myself being stuck in all day, so I remedied the situation. I didn’t overdo it, simply coming home and falling asleep on the bed afterwards. I don’t seem to be able to do my all day and night drinking sessions anymore. That’s been the case since coming off my antidepressants. The tablets obviously gave me a lot of energy. I guess it’s a good thing that I can’t do it anymore, but I keep forgetting after I’ve had a few and spend money on shop-bought booze which then goes to waste. Well, it stays in the cupboard and gets drank another day, but you get what I mean.

A woman in the pub stopped at my table on her way out to ask me about my eyesight. I’m so used to random crazy people interrogating me about it and me fobbing them off, that I failed to ask her why she was interested. I think she may have been visually impaired too. I think she even had a dog, which may have been a guide dog, but I can’t be sure. I did ask the barman, but he didn’t notice due to how busy the place got. Basically, I feel bad that maybe I could have made a new friend, but oh well. Perhaps I’ll see her again. And I use the term “see” loosely, of course.

I’m starting to think I made the right choice in changing my washing routine. As mentioned in my previous post, I’ve been concerned my flat has contracted fleas somehow, but it may just be an allergic reaction to Dove shower cream. I’ve used a regular bar of soap the last couple of days and I don’t feel itchy or uncomfortable anymore, so I’m hoping it’s worked. I may take the list of ingredients to my doctor and see what he thinks I may have reacted badly to.

Oh, I cleaned the bathroom the other day, which I’m proud of. I found myself at a loss, as I was full of energy but didn’t fancy doing any hobby stuff. Perfect! So I just got in there and started scrubbing. I had been leaving it for waaay to long (until every surface was brown), but now I’m trying to get into a casual routine. I’ve set myself a certain time period in which to do it, so that should give me time to psych myself up. I’m hoping keeping on top of things will improve my overall mental health.

Cleaning the bathroom also meant that I was able to get to the bottom of why my shower had dropped in pressure. Turns out the tube that connects the control unit to the shower head had come loose. The whole thing fell out while I was rinsing the tiles and water just went everywhere. Well, it wasn’t quite that bad, but after screwing it back in it was back to its old destructive high pressure. I’m very happy.

I’m wondering what else to do for my birthday this coming week. I’m doing my Disney marathon on the day, but I guess I should treat myself to something else. Maybe I could spend the night in a posh hotel in town. Hmmm, yeah, that sounds kinda cool. I’ll see how much money I have to spare. It would be nice to get out of the ghetto for a day or two. Which reminds me, since I’ve set up a Direct Debit for the lottery each week, I’ve started browsing for nice properties around town, should I win. I guess it should be depressing but, actually, it’s filling me with hope, inspiration and excitement. Guess I have as much chance of winning as anyone else with one ticket, right? Right.

Anyway, I best be off. Hope you are all doing well. Do drop me a line sometime!

Toodles!