Little Miss Negativity

I’d like to say that my mood has improved since I’ve been home this week but, alas, it has remained in descent. My mission here has been to look after my girlfriend as she comes off her antidepressants and part of the brief was to cope with her mood swings, periods of despair, negativity and outbursts of temper. It’s not been fun. She was awake at 2am last night crying and I had to try to comfort her. When you suffer from depression too it’s hard to be positive and bring someone else out of it. I’m managing though… I think. I enjoy these pockets of quiet when I can collect my thoughts and regroup my strength for when the battle starts up again. I only hope this is the final wave of the comedown and not how she will always be without the tablets… I’ve only known her whilst she’s been on medication.

We’re meeting up with friends tomorrow and doing some things together next week so I hope that that will brighten her up a bit. She needs to get away and look at her life from a different perspective. Hopefully she’ll realise that things aren’t quite as bad as she thinks. Who knows.

I’ve not felt much inspired by other things this week. I looked around a music shop and started getting interested in the recording and mixing equipment. There was a small-ish mixing desk for about £400 in the shop window and, as I looked at it, there was a familiarity to the set-up which proves that I’m learning something at college.

I’m still not looking forward to going back to college but then again being cooped up here with Little Miss Negativity is bringing me down quite dramatically. At least college will feel less claustrophobic and be the lesser of two evils.

Sigh.

That sinking feeling

I’ve still not heard back from my tutor regarding my decision to stay at home this week. Either he’s auctioned my email but not bothered to reply or he’s not read it and people around the college are wondering where I am. I don’t seem to have any messages on my mobile phone though, so I’m assuming the former has happened.

I might ring an old friend today who did the same course ten years ago and get his advice. I really do feel disenchanted at the moment and am not looking forward to going back to college on Sunday at all. At least my girlfriend will be travelling over with me.

I might go into town this week and look at music equipment to see if anything seems familiar. Maybe I’ve learnt more than I realise. Who knows. At least I’m developing an interest in music equipment beyond guitars.

I feel a little lost.

This is the first time in ages that I’ve wanted to lose myself in booze. I could quite happily go to the pub now and stay there until they have to carry me out. That wouldn’t be fair on my girlfriend though. I might “treat” myself to a bottle of wine tonight, but that might turn out to be the slippery slope.

I should start writing and get a story underway. Why can’t I get cracking on something? It’s all there in my head… it just won’t move down to my fingertips.

I guess I’m a failure and an utter waste of space. If I was meant to achieve something I suppose I would have done it by now. But I haven’t. I’ve just wasted hours and days and months and years. And do you know what? I let it happen willingly. I’m just a lazy armchair artist who hasn’t got the courage of his conviction. I can talk the talk… I just can’t walk the walk :(

Decreasing motivation in the face of apathy

Well the last week and a half at college has been a mixed bag of wasted time and false starts. Our tutors keep cancelling lessons in favour of menial tasks involving college promotion whilst my attempts to start my own music project have been hampered by my own lack of confidence as a performer. I think it’s safe to say that, without the other non-music lessons to keep me going, coming back to college this term would have been pretty pointless.

My girlfriend has been coming off her antidepressants recently and seems to be struggling at home and in work. I’ve sent an email to my college tutor explaining that I need to be at home and that I will not be returning to college today… I just don’t think being away from home at the moment is worth it. Also I need to investigate into work experience for college so maybe I’ll do that if I get a chance this week.

There was an incident on Thursday night which has gotten me a little concerned and unsettled. After a late night in the student bar I returned to my room and ordered a takeaway food delivery. About half an hour later the dorm warden rang me very angrily explaining that my food had arrived and that I wasn’t to expect her to tell me about it. After I picked up my order I texted the warden and asked to discuss what just happened as I didn’t think her attitude was particularly fair. This proved an error as the following conversation descended into an argument and ended up with me hanging up. The situation wasn’t helped by me being rather drunk and downhearted, however the warden seemed to antagonise me further and be acting very unreasonably. I’m not sure whether to complain about the incident or not as my judgement and viewpoint is very hampered by my poor memory of what happened. Oh well, we shall see if anything is mentioned when I return next week.

I’m glad to be home for a little while longer and I’m really looking forward to finishing college for good. The warnings I’d received from previous students on the music course have turned out to be correct: it’s a waste of time and I’ll walk away feeling bitter and used. At the very least it’s given me guidance for what I might want to do in the future… unfortunately the path I choose will have to involve a lot of self-tuition.

I wanted this six months away from home to be worth it and it’s slowly turning out not to be. Cheers guys. Much appreciate :(

Back out west

Well I’m back at college. I’m trying to work on my own music project in the hope that it will force me to learn something. The lecturers seem keen to set me on something productive so everybody’s happy. I just hope I have the confidence to work on music I’ve written myself and be able to master the studio equipment.

It’s weird trying to work on my music in public away from my home comfort zone. I don’t know why I get shy about it as I’ve recorded in front of friends and relatives before and it never bothers me. I don’t know why college staff/students are so different. I think it’s just me that’s different, not them.

I’m slowly adjusting to being back in halls of residence again but I’m attempting to keep a low profile this term. I’m not going to go out drinking on “school nights” anymore and will try and get the most out of being here in an academic sense.

I’m also going back to my old work diet: no breakfast; no lunch; and whatever turns up at dinner. I’m not checking the college menu obsessively like I was last term which was making me hungry. I’ve stocked up on healthy-ish snacks in my room which should stop me ordering takeaways and loading up on sandwiches in the canteen.

I had a good counselling session today and I think I was able to explain my fears and concerns concisely. I always worry that I won’t make sense, but I guess that’s the whole point of going... to try and make sense of all my confused thoughts and feelings.

I keep forgetting to look for a new external dvd drive for my laptop as my current/old one is on it’s last legs and takes ages to get going. Sigh. All I do out of hours here is watch dvds, so I could do with a better one. Fingers crossed I can get a cheap one that’s still better than my knackered one.

The weather is very erratic at the moment and it’s hard to know how to dress from one minute to the next. You can go for a sunny walk in shorts and a t-shirt and come back soaking wet. Weird.

Righty, must go watch Friends... (on dvd of course... slowly lol)

Heat wave!!

The last few days has involved a lot of cooling down as the temperature has really soared. Let’s call it what it is: a heat wave. Although this morning it seems to be a lot cooler so I guess I’ll be out doing the gardening later.

Tonight I’m going to take part in a pub quiz with my girlfriend and a couple of her friends. We met up with them on Saturday and had a good time. Since it was a lunch date I drank alcohol responsibly but I think the quiz tonight will remain “dry”. I know what I get like during night time drinking sessions… not good.

We had a bbq yesterday which was nice, although some undercooked sausages may have given us tender tummies today. I received a call from our old housemate threatening to turn up later on in the evening but they never did. I’m keeping my ears open today as, well, you never know. The phone call made us all very tense in the house and provided a reminder to my girlfriend that she needs to figure out what she wants to do in life. I do too, of course, but her situation is more volatile at the moment.

Because my girlfriend’s been off for the past five days I’ve not had a chance to do any music recording. Not that I would have in this heat, but it’d be nice to have the option. I’ll try and get two demos done before I head back to college next week.

I’ve bought some new clothes that are more befitting the summer months. They look quite nice and hopefully make me look a little less out of place. I also bought some new trainers which I’m getting used to… I received a nasty blister the other day during an evening walk around the block, ouch!!!

I’m meant to research work experience placements while I’m off but I’m not sure where to look or how far down the line I’m meant to go in terms of contacting people. I might look into the local universities and colleges to see if they have music departments I could work in. That would be cool.

There’s some leftover special fried rice in the fridge from the takeaway we had last night (yes, after the bbq, eek) which I quite fancy for breakfast. Naughty boy!!

I’m really getting into the Band of Brothers dvd box set while I’m off. It’s a proper period-drama-for-boys and is as good as I’d hoped it would be. I might even buy it in the shops as it’s only about £20 at the moment.

Well, I best start putting the day into motion…

Home for the hols

I came back to Sheffield last Friday for the Easter break. It’s nice being at home but I have come down with a rather severe case of hay fever so I’ve spent this week feeling quite, quite rotten.

I want to record some music demos while I’m off to take back to college so I can start learning to use the recording gear there properly. Fingers crossed I’ll feel better next week so I can crack on with that.

When I return to college I might try and get another move as I’m getting fed up with the collection of dullards in my section of the dorm. I thought I was pretty straight laced but these guys seem to provide a new definition for the phrase. I think they’re just self serving control freaks who find it hard to be honest about themselves, so perhaps my own brand of insular self deprecation doesn’t mix well (or maybe it mixes too well and gives them something to abuse).

My old house has finally been sold by the mortgage lender and the shortfall isn’t as bad as I’d feared. Nevertheless I’m going to see about applying for a Debt Relief Order in the hope that I can start focusing on my future. I hope that I can keep my remaining musical equipment as losing that will mean a real set-back.

I must stay in contact with friends while I’m off on holiday. There are a couple of nice people at college that I’d like to stay in touch with, but being the uncertain and under confident person that I am, I’m not 100% sure they want to stay in touch with me. I am a silly sod sometimes, but what can you do?

My end of term reports at college were generally ok, but there was one from my least favourite tutor that required explaining. It was at that stage that I raised my concerns about the lack of continuity, focus and organisation in the training being provided. If we’re meant to teach ourselves then why are we paying for specialist tuition at a residential college?

My girlfriend has got a few things planned for the period that I’m off. Let’s hope we’re both in the mood when it comes round to it. We’re terrible for cancelling plans at the last minute. Just a mini-pub crawl would be nice, however I’m not too fussed about drinking when I’m at home… it’s surreal enough here, alcohol only seems to sober me up, lol.

We’re looking after a friend’s two guinea pigs while they are away on holiday and we’re quite enjoying the extra company. Our own guinea pig doesn’t seem to care about the new arrivals however the rabbit has been extra playful when we take her out of the hutch so I’m wondering if she’s making an extra effort in the fear that she’s going to be replaced. She won’t, of course, and the new arrivals will be off home soon.

The sun’s finally hit this fine land and I still haven’t got much summer wear that fits me. I bought some shorts the other week but I still need a pair of trainers and some lighter shirts. I look daft in smart shoes and dark colours. Oh well, I hardly ever fit in anyway.

Right, must dash, I have a runny nose to wipe, yuk!!

"Angles" - The Strokes (album review)

It’s always nice when a song comes along that hits so many giddy nerves in your body that it makes you whistle and skip from the breakfast table right through to your midnight cereal raid… and it just so happens that “Under Cover Of Darkness” on The Strokes’ fourth album Angles is one of those tunes. In fact it’s so riff-tastic and catchy that you almost curse yourself for not coming up with the idea first.

Thankfully though this isn’t the only gem on the band’s long awaited (and much feared by this reviewer) follow-up to the deeply flawed First Impressions Of Earth which frontman Julian Casablancas managed to spoil almost single-handedly with a collection of vocal melodies which plunged to the very nadir of songwriting craft. Angles, predictably much like it’s title, has a few new angles to it, but the resulting record is neither confused nor rambling… it’s also mercifully shorter than it’s overlong predecessor.

From the colourful opener Machu Picchu onwards it’s clear that The Strokes have finally remembered how to infuse a bit of sunlight and fun into their garage rock groove and have brushed away the cobwebs of the past to march ahead to a more promising, productive and artistically valid future.

There are some lovely 80s flavours to the album, so much so in fact that on tracks like “Two Kinds Of Happiness” and “Games” you half expect Cyndi Lauper to make a guest appearance and wink cheekily through your speakers with a mouth full of bubblegum.

Elsewhere there are more earnest experiments into Radiohead-style alt-rock that thankfully aren’t left field enough to spoil the flow of the record and end up being entertaining in their own right. For those yearning for a reminder of their first two albums then “Taken For A Fool” comes with a lush chorus that must’ve been picked straight up off the cutting room (on fire) floor.

Angles is certainly one of the better albums to appear during this guitar-rock lull and the shoulder pad inducing synths are mixed well with the band’s familiar retro sound.

Give it a go… it’s a very rewarding “grower”.

4/5