But not in a sexual fashion, unfortunately. Chance would be a fine thing. Anyway, yes, the weather is appalling here in the north of England. I was genuinely worried my windows were going to shatter from the sheer force of the gales last night. I’m not quite sure where this has all come from, as I thought the weather was supposed to be getting better. Nope! Time to stock up on energy meter credit again, just in case it snows. Alas!
I’ve only got two medical appointments to attend this week, so at least I’m able to avoid unnecessary travel. Still, it all makes me a little anxious. I’m on the top floor of a block of flats that’s quite high up on a hill here, so the wind feels even stronger. The rain has been horizontal! If it’s not too rough on Wednesday, I’ll try popping to the pub after my appointment. I’ve started going back to my regular ale house, which is good. I think my new antidepressants have boosted my confidence a little. I was in such a bad state a month ago. I still have downs, but I’m definitely noticing some positive change. I just hope more is to come.
It’s been a bit quiet on the gaming front, but I’m actually getting used to that. My regular gaming buddy is still busy with other things at the moment, so I’m making do with single player stuff. I’m not sure whether this is a permanent situation or not, so I’m preparing myself for the worst. I’m familiarising myself with Rainbow Six: Siege maps by creating custom solo matches, then I just wander around getting used to the layout of each area. The villa map is my favourite. I wish I could live there for real. I like that it’s clearly a mansion owned by a single person, as there’s only one bedroom and the rest of the upstairs rooms are dedicated to hobbies. That’s how I’d have it. You never know! I just need those winning numbers.
Oh, I’ve just watched the 1981 film Shock Treatment, which is the sequel to The Rocky Horror Picture Show. It’s generally referred to as a “semi-sequel” as, while it follows the characters of Brad and Janet again, the story is completely different. It’s sort of a cross between The Prisoner and The Truman Show. It makes about as much sense as Rocky Horror, which is none, but it looks fabulous and the songs are great! I’d say this is a better film than Rocky Horror, and I prefer the lovely Jessica Harper as Janet. I can’t recommend this film enough. It’s just a shame that it’s generally ignored as an inferior accompaniment to Rock Horror. But no, it’s not! They made a real effort with Shock Treatment, and every penny is up there on screen. Please, PLEASE watch it, if you can. I’m becoming more and more convinced that Patty Quinn has the best voice ever. It’s just a shame she hasn’t done any audiobook readings. Bah!
I’ve also got a documentary on Motown, The Hateful Eight, and the Hamlet spinoff Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead to watch. I saw the latter on television years ago, but it’s taken me this long to track down a copy. I think they finally did a rerelease in 2015, which is what turned up yesterday.
Speaking of Tim Roth, I didn’t manage to finish that Vincent & Theo miniseries, in which he plays the titular Vincent Van Gogh. It was pretty terrible. I might get the shorter theatrical version and compare the two. The miniseries is just baffling. I’m not quite sure what Robert Altman was thinking, if he was thinking at all. It’s almost worth recommending just for how bizarrely dreadful it is. I’ll try and finish it before I dismiss it entirely though. If I can summon the energy.
Well, I best try and get some sleep. I’m working my way through Will & Grace in bed again. I’ve needed plenty of comfort watches recently. I did start watching the 80s British sitcom Shelley, but I’m taking a mini-break from it. It’s not been funny or interesting enough to stick with, but not bad enough to abandon. It’s just kind of, well, there. Hywel Bennett is delightful though, may he rest in peace.
Do stay in touch, darlings.
Toodles!
Sunday, 9 February 2020
Friday, 31 January 2020
Sketches of isolation
Just a quick update. Life’s been pretty quiet of late, so it’s more internal stuff that I have to report.
I’ve been on my new antidepressants for about three and a half weeks now, plus one and a half weeks on the higher dose. Dosage? I’m never too sure how to word that. Anyway, I feel that I am over the worst of the initial negative side effects, and am now waiting for the positive effects to take hold. I am feeling some changes, but I try not to take them for granted. They may just be natural daily emotional shifts. The waiting is always the worst. Regardless, I’ve still been keeping myself indoors mostly, only going out to see my doctor or to take rubbish down to the wheelie bins. I do get a little fed up of these four walls, but I think it’s safer for everybody if I keep myself isolated for now. I did go out to the pub last Monday, which was pleasantly uneventful. I didn’t stay for too long. I went to the pub at the train station where nobody knows me, which made a nice change. Anonymity is nice, sometimes. I’m feeling a little more inclined to go back to my old regular pub now, so maybe that’s a sign that the medication is working. Who knows.
I was concerned that we were about to get a heavy snow fall, but that doesn’t seem to have transpired. I think it may have snowed one night, as I heard light precipitation hitting the window but, if it was snow, it didn’t settle. Apparently the weather is going to improve from now on, but I shall keep my cupboards stocked regardless.
Contact with other people has been minimal. I’ve played video games online with a couple of friends, and I’m in regular text communication with the ex, but that’s about it. Again, it’s probably for the best. Unless it’s not. Maybe I’m getting a little weird. I guess I’ll find out if I do return to my regular ale house. That friend I thought was “moving on” has assured me that they’ve not forgotten about me. They’re just a bit busy. I hadn’t said anything about it, but I think they were aware that we hadn’t spoken lately. I don’t want to be clingy or anything. I understand that friendships can come to an end. I also understand that I can be a bit of a handful, so it’s fine if people need a break from me.
I’ve been watching some new films, which feels healthy. It’s good to exercise the mind. I should be exercising my body too, but that’s just not been happening. I don’t feel too inclined to go into great detail about what I’ve watched, but I have been collecting films about artistic people, including Mr Turner, Love is the Devil and Vincent & Theo. The latter I’m in the midst of watching this afternoon. If you know of any inspiring biographical films about creative people, of any kind, then do get in touch.
I’ve also started listening to one of those Great Courses audio lectures on the history of China. I know next to nothing about Chinese history, so it’s been quite interesting. It’s amazing how much information there is about their BCE era. I suppose Britain is quite unique in having historical “dark ages”. I’m also finding that learning about history is often a lesson in how horrible people can be to one another, but there are some nice stories in there too. It’s not all bad.
Well, since I’m feeling a little emotionally muted today, I won’t keep you. Maybe I’ll post something more detailed over the weekend.
Do stay in touch.
Toodles!
I’ve been on my new antidepressants for about three and a half weeks now, plus one and a half weeks on the higher dose. Dosage? I’m never too sure how to word that. Anyway, I feel that I am over the worst of the initial negative side effects, and am now waiting for the positive effects to take hold. I am feeling some changes, but I try not to take them for granted. They may just be natural daily emotional shifts. The waiting is always the worst. Regardless, I’ve still been keeping myself indoors mostly, only going out to see my doctor or to take rubbish down to the wheelie bins. I do get a little fed up of these four walls, but I think it’s safer for everybody if I keep myself isolated for now. I did go out to the pub last Monday, which was pleasantly uneventful. I didn’t stay for too long. I went to the pub at the train station where nobody knows me, which made a nice change. Anonymity is nice, sometimes. I’m feeling a little more inclined to go back to my old regular pub now, so maybe that’s a sign that the medication is working. Who knows.
I was concerned that we were about to get a heavy snow fall, but that doesn’t seem to have transpired. I think it may have snowed one night, as I heard light precipitation hitting the window but, if it was snow, it didn’t settle. Apparently the weather is going to improve from now on, but I shall keep my cupboards stocked regardless.
Contact with other people has been minimal. I’ve played video games online with a couple of friends, and I’m in regular text communication with the ex, but that’s about it. Again, it’s probably for the best. Unless it’s not. Maybe I’m getting a little weird. I guess I’ll find out if I do return to my regular ale house. That friend I thought was “moving on” has assured me that they’ve not forgotten about me. They’re just a bit busy. I hadn’t said anything about it, but I think they were aware that we hadn’t spoken lately. I don’t want to be clingy or anything. I understand that friendships can come to an end. I also understand that I can be a bit of a handful, so it’s fine if people need a break from me.
I’ve been watching some new films, which feels healthy. It’s good to exercise the mind. I should be exercising my body too, but that’s just not been happening. I don’t feel too inclined to go into great detail about what I’ve watched, but I have been collecting films about artistic people, including Mr Turner, Love is the Devil and Vincent & Theo. The latter I’m in the midst of watching this afternoon. If you know of any inspiring biographical films about creative people, of any kind, then do get in touch.
I’ve also started listening to one of those Great Courses audio lectures on the history of China. I know next to nothing about Chinese history, so it’s been quite interesting. It’s amazing how much information there is about their BCE era. I suppose Britain is quite unique in having historical “dark ages”. I’m also finding that learning about history is often a lesson in how horrible people can be to one another, but there are some nice stories in there too. It’s not all bad.
Well, since I’m feeling a little emotionally muted today, I won’t keep you. Maybe I’ll post something more detailed over the weekend.
Do stay in touch.
Toodles!
Friday, 17 January 2020
Bedside history lessons
A week being back on antidepressants has brought about some lows and some mediums. I’ve generally felt very unwell, so have kept myself indoors. Today was the first time I’ve left the flat since last Wednesday, if only to take my rubbish down to the wheelie bins. It’s something. The side effects can make you physically unstable so, combining that with my poor eyesight, I thought it best to quarantine myself for a bit. My mood has also been pushed down considerably, but I expect that to be pulled back up eventually. It’s just how the tablets work, I’m afraid. I’m hoping that I’m over the worst, but I shall keep an open mind.
I’ve tried my best to keep away from booze while the side effects take hold, although I did have a mini-session on Monday. I felt slightly stranger than usual after a few beers, so I’m glad I kept it to a minimum. Well, a minimum for me. Since I’m feeling a little more clear-headed today, and because it’s Friday, I might have a session this evening. I’m still not feeling confident enough to go out, although I usually don’t at the weekends anyway. Maybe I’ll venture out after my doctor’s appointment on Wednesday. I still need to find myself a new regular drinking establishment after deciding that my usual place has been getting a bit racist. I have a couple of ideas.
Last night I finished the Great Causes audio lecture on Turning Points in Medieval History, which I’ve been listening to in bed off-and-on for a few months now. I was actually really sad when it was all over. I highly recommend it. The lecturer, Dorsey Armstrong, is very passionate, and has helped me generate a great deal of passion and interest in the subject matter. I will not only listen to this one again, but seek out further lectures by her. I’ve learnt more in these past few months than I ever did at school, I must say.
I’ve started watching the 1927 silent biopic about Napoleon. It’s about six hours long, so I’ve been waiting until I’ve been in the right mood. Since starting it, I’ve decided to treat it like a television miniseries that has multiple episodes, so I take a break for a day or so once I finish each act. It’s a very innovative film, for its time, therefore wonderful from a film appreciation perspective; however, it tends to lavish affection on its subject matter to a fault, treating Napoleon with almost Christ-like reverence. It’s alternately amusing and tiresome. I’ll let you know how I feel if I ever get to the end. Silent films are quite difficult for a visually impaired person to experience, so I sometimes get a little frustrated with how little information I am able to pick up. That’s not the film’s fault, of course, but it does mean that it’s taking me longer than necessary to get through it. Oh well.
Speaking of biopics, I also watched the 2002 film Frida the other day. Basically, I thought it was a good primer for somebody, like me, who knows next to nothing about artist Frida Kahlo but, overall, I thought it was a bad movie. It’s wonderfully shot, to the point where I actually want to track down more films by director Julie Taymor, but the script is embarrassingly banal. They clearly had a series of events that they wanted to put in the movie, but had no idea what to have the characters say to each other. There are moments of unintentional comedy. I actually wished this had been a silent film too. Also, while I enjoy Salma Hayek in most things she’s in, she is dreadfully miscast in this. She certainly looks the part, but you can image there were probably a dozen actresses, much more skilled, who would have been better and probably killed to be in the role. It feels like a wasted opportunity. But, again, I don’t blame Hayek for this, as she's naturally very charismatic and seems like a lovely person. It’s really the fault of whoever chose to cast her. Saying all that, due to the poor screenplay all the actors struggle, even the gorgeous Geoffrey Rush. So, yeah, I think I would recommend it, as it does have a lot of visual flare, but just try to close you ears whenever somebody starts to speak.
Golly, it’s been quite an educational week!
My neighbour downstairs has started listening to loud music a lot during the week again. I don’t mind when it’s at the weekend, as we all like a party, but when they’re doing it every day then it starts to get a bit much. I wonder whether she’s scored some new drugs or something. It’s not made my quarantining myself any easier, I must say. I’ll lodge an official complaint with the council next week. Or later on this afternoon.
Yes, she’s just started again.
Sigh.
Anyway, I don’t think I have much else to report, so I shall let you go for now.
Do stay in touch.
Toodles!
I’ve tried my best to keep away from booze while the side effects take hold, although I did have a mini-session on Monday. I felt slightly stranger than usual after a few beers, so I’m glad I kept it to a minimum. Well, a minimum for me. Since I’m feeling a little more clear-headed today, and because it’s Friday, I might have a session this evening. I’m still not feeling confident enough to go out, although I usually don’t at the weekends anyway. Maybe I’ll venture out after my doctor’s appointment on Wednesday. I still need to find myself a new regular drinking establishment after deciding that my usual place has been getting a bit racist. I have a couple of ideas.
Last night I finished the Great Causes audio lecture on Turning Points in Medieval History, which I’ve been listening to in bed off-and-on for a few months now. I was actually really sad when it was all over. I highly recommend it. The lecturer, Dorsey Armstrong, is very passionate, and has helped me generate a great deal of passion and interest in the subject matter. I will not only listen to this one again, but seek out further lectures by her. I’ve learnt more in these past few months than I ever did at school, I must say.
I’ve started watching the 1927 silent biopic about Napoleon. It’s about six hours long, so I’ve been waiting until I’ve been in the right mood. Since starting it, I’ve decided to treat it like a television miniseries that has multiple episodes, so I take a break for a day or so once I finish each act. It’s a very innovative film, for its time, therefore wonderful from a film appreciation perspective; however, it tends to lavish affection on its subject matter to a fault, treating Napoleon with almost Christ-like reverence. It’s alternately amusing and tiresome. I’ll let you know how I feel if I ever get to the end. Silent films are quite difficult for a visually impaired person to experience, so I sometimes get a little frustrated with how little information I am able to pick up. That’s not the film’s fault, of course, but it does mean that it’s taking me longer than necessary to get through it. Oh well.
Speaking of biopics, I also watched the 2002 film Frida the other day. Basically, I thought it was a good primer for somebody, like me, who knows next to nothing about artist Frida Kahlo but, overall, I thought it was a bad movie. It’s wonderfully shot, to the point where I actually want to track down more films by director Julie Taymor, but the script is embarrassingly banal. They clearly had a series of events that they wanted to put in the movie, but had no idea what to have the characters say to each other. There are moments of unintentional comedy. I actually wished this had been a silent film too. Also, while I enjoy Salma Hayek in most things she’s in, she is dreadfully miscast in this. She certainly looks the part, but you can image there were probably a dozen actresses, much more skilled, who would have been better and probably killed to be in the role. It feels like a wasted opportunity. But, again, I don’t blame Hayek for this, as she's naturally very charismatic and seems like a lovely person. It’s really the fault of whoever chose to cast her. Saying all that, due to the poor screenplay all the actors struggle, even the gorgeous Geoffrey Rush. So, yeah, I think I would recommend it, as it does have a lot of visual flare, but just try to close you ears whenever somebody starts to speak.
Golly, it’s been quite an educational week!
My neighbour downstairs has started listening to loud music a lot during the week again. I don’t mind when it’s at the weekend, as we all like a party, but when they’re doing it every day then it starts to get a bit much. I wonder whether she’s scored some new drugs or something. It’s not made my quarantining myself any easier, I must say. I’ll lodge an official complaint with the council next week. Or later on this afternoon.
Yes, she’s just started again.
Sigh.
Anyway, I don’t think I have much else to report, so I shall let you go for now.
Do stay in touch.
Toodles!
Friday, 10 January 2020
Crisis point
Well, I made it through the dreaded Christmas shutdown period. Just. It was pretty hard going for a while there. I did finally manage to swing my sleep pattern back around to normal, so today I woke up at a healthy 0700. Unfortunately, I did have to resort to heavy drinking, but that really does seem to be my only solution. Anyway, it worked.
The important thing about getting my healthier sleep pattern back is being able to get out and do stuff. Most importantly, this week I managed to get to my doctor, wherein it all came out. My tearful rant lasted about ten minutes. He seemed quite taken aback by my honesty, even thanking me for opening up to him. I’m not sure why, as that’s kinda what he’s there for. Maybe he’s had some trouble with his patients recently. Who knows. Well, to cut a long story short, he’s put me back on antidepressants and is going to arrange some counselling. I took the third tablet this morning, and already I’m getting the usual horrible side effects one gets when starting and ending antidepressants. It’s a change, though. Change is good.
Getting all that stuff off my chest did help, although it hasn’t cured me. I’ve been taking the last few days very slow. I’m treating myself to things I like as much as possible, as I know the next few weeks will be tough. After all, antidepressants do take about 4-6 weeks to take a positive effect. You really have to be patient which, to be honest, is a difficult thing to do when your emotions, and possibly your life, are hanging by a thread.
I also admitted to my doctor that I’d been drinking heavily. Being drunk has been the only time that I’ve felt happy and sane. It’s also when I feel like I have some control over my emotions. Even the hangovers. It’s like: “I did this. Me. It was MY choice for once”. Sigh. What a mess.
So, yeah, things are moving forward. I think. I’m currently waiting for the counsellor to call to make an appointment. Goodness knows when that’ll be. My doctor wants to see me in two weeks to check up on me. You can only usually make bookings about a month or so in advance, which is a pain, but he gave me a sort-of override code to take to reception. That was pretty cool. Fit me in, grrrl!
One of the immediate side effects of the tablets seems to be sleepiness. I don’t have a problem with this. So, amazingly enough, I went to bed last night at a sensible time and actually felt like falling asleep. It wasn’t the usual battle to attain unconsciousness. Very strange. I hope this continues.
I’m not quite sure what else to report at the moment, as everything is up in the air. I do feel a little more like being creative today, which is great. I actually played guitar for the first time in weeks, I’ve just put on a movie to watch, and I’m writing this. Who knows what other craaazy things might happen!
In other news, I’m thinking of changing the pub I usually go to, as some of the regulars have started getting a bit racist at the bar. The worst thing is, one of the bartenders won’t say anything. It’s a bit upsetting to hear. Some of them have also started being a bit standoffish with me. I don’t know whether it’s just my usual paranoia or what, but something definitely seems to have changed. I’ve been going there for a few years now, so I should be on better terms with people. But I’m not. I do get a bit upset when friendships with people don’t move forward, so perhaps it is just my usual reaction to this sort of situation. I don’t know. Well, anyway, I’m going to try somewhere else, maybe a place that’s a little more anonymous, where I don’t have to worry about fitting in. A shitty high street sorta establishment. We shall see.
Right, I better go.
Do stay in touch.
Toodles!
The important thing about getting my healthier sleep pattern back is being able to get out and do stuff. Most importantly, this week I managed to get to my doctor, wherein it all came out. My tearful rant lasted about ten minutes. He seemed quite taken aback by my honesty, even thanking me for opening up to him. I’m not sure why, as that’s kinda what he’s there for. Maybe he’s had some trouble with his patients recently. Who knows. Well, to cut a long story short, he’s put me back on antidepressants and is going to arrange some counselling. I took the third tablet this morning, and already I’m getting the usual horrible side effects one gets when starting and ending antidepressants. It’s a change, though. Change is good.
Getting all that stuff off my chest did help, although it hasn’t cured me. I’ve been taking the last few days very slow. I’m treating myself to things I like as much as possible, as I know the next few weeks will be tough. After all, antidepressants do take about 4-6 weeks to take a positive effect. You really have to be patient which, to be honest, is a difficult thing to do when your emotions, and possibly your life, are hanging by a thread.
I also admitted to my doctor that I’d been drinking heavily. Being drunk has been the only time that I’ve felt happy and sane. It’s also when I feel like I have some control over my emotions. Even the hangovers. It’s like: “I did this. Me. It was MY choice for once”. Sigh. What a mess.
So, yeah, things are moving forward. I think. I’m currently waiting for the counsellor to call to make an appointment. Goodness knows when that’ll be. My doctor wants to see me in two weeks to check up on me. You can only usually make bookings about a month or so in advance, which is a pain, but he gave me a sort-of override code to take to reception. That was pretty cool. Fit me in, grrrl!
One of the immediate side effects of the tablets seems to be sleepiness. I don’t have a problem with this. So, amazingly enough, I went to bed last night at a sensible time and actually felt like falling asleep. It wasn’t the usual battle to attain unconsciousness. Very strange. I hope this continues.
I’m not quite sure what else to report at the moment, as everything is up in the air. I do feel a little more like being creative today, which is great. I actually played guitar for the first time in weeks, I’ve just put on a movie to watch, and I’m writing this. Who knows what other craaazy things might happen!
In other news, I’m thinking of changing the pub I usually go to, as some of the regulars have started getting a bit racist at the bar. The worst thing is, one of the bartenders won’t say anything. It’s a bit upsetting to hear. Some of them have also started being a bit standoffish with me. I don’t know whether it’s just my usual paranoia or what, but something definitely seems to have changed. I’ve been going there for a few years now, so I should be on better terms with people. But I’m not. I do get a bit upset when friendships with people don’t move forward, so perhaps it is just my usual reaction to this sort of situation. I don’t know. Well, anyway, I’m going to try somewhere else, maybe a place that’s a little more anonymous, where I don’t have to worry about fitting in. A shitty high street sorta establishment. We shall see.
Right, I better go.
Do stay in touch.
Toodles!
Tuesday, 31 December 2019
Night shifts and New Year
Golly, last night was the first New Year’s Eve in, quite possibly, twenty years in which I’ve not wanted to do anything. I remember being in a grump on 31 December 1999, mainly due to the whole millennium thing having become rather tacky. My family weren’t too impressed that I hid away in the computer room sulking, but hey-ho.
This year, well, I’ve not exactly been in a grump, but my recent descent into a depressive slump and my frustrating sleep pattern has spelled doom for my NYE plans. Not that I had any. Today I woke up at seven-thirty in the evening, so that’s how my sleep is going. I’m trying to gradually push it back around to a healthy normal, but it’s taking time. And effort. I’m usually a bit of an insomniac but, funnily enough, now that I’m actually trying to stay awake longer, guess what my body wants to do? Yup, that’s right – sleep. FFS.
Anyway, even though I hadn’t planned on doing so, I might pop out to the pub today. My local seems to be the only out-of-town drinking place that can be arsed to be open on Christmas and New Year’s Day. How convenient for me! I’ll let you know how I get on. Bet you I fall asleep before opening time. All I need to do is stay awake for another four hours or so.
Oh, that massive boxset of William Shakespeare audio recordings arrived! It’s very swish. Now all I need to do is find a place to store the damned thing. I’m running out of space in this one bedroom flat. Oh well. I’ve imported ten of the plays so far onto my iPod Nano, but it’s quite a labour-intensive process. I’ll get there in the end, I’m sure. I just hope there’s space on the device for them all.
One of my old Facebook friends has asked my brother for my contact details, now that I’ve shut my account down. I’m not sure why he’s so keen, as we never spoke while I was still on there. Who knows, maybe it’ll spark some actual contact. He’s married with kids, so I doubt his interest is romantic. Unless he’s fed up with the wife and kids. We shall see.
I finally got around to watching Gosford Park the other day. I’ve had it on DVD for ages, but I just haven’t been in the mood for it. I do love Robert Altman films, but I do find I need to be in a very particular frame of mind for them. This week just felt right. Or was it last week? Urgh, I’m totally losing track of time and space. Well, the film is really good, considering Mr Altman made it so late in his career. Directors usually lose their mojo towards the end. Everyone was great in it, especially Emily Watson, Maggie Smith and Kristin Scott Thomas, who is one of my all-time favourite people. Bob Balaban is always a treat too. It’s like catching up with an old friend. I was a little saddened that Derek Jacobi and Stephen Fry weren’t in it more, but wotchagonnado? I found Clive Owen quite compelling, considering I don’t usually like him. I don’t know why I don’t usually like him. It’s an irrational dislike. I didn’t like James McAvoy until I found him to be the only good thing in that terrible X-Men: First Class movie.
Not speaking of the Holocaust, I watched Schindler’s List yesterday. So great. I spent most of the runtime trying not to burst into tears, which I’m guessing is pretty normal. I wonder if Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes have been in a movie together since. I’m guessing Mr Neeson has retired now, since he had that trouble in the papers recently. Alas! Well, after watching the film, I went down a Wikipedia rabbit-hole looking up information on the Holocaust. You can imagine how awful that was. Be nice to each other, people.
Righty, I think that’s about it for today. Not much has happened since whenever. Do drop me a line if you’re about.
Toodles!
This year, well, I’ve not exactly been in a grump, but my recent descent into a depressive slump and my frustrating sleep pattern has spelled doom for my NYE plans. Not that I had any. Today I woke up at seven-thirty in the evening, so that’s how my sleep is going. I’m trying to gradually push it back around to a healthy normal, but it’s taking time. And effort. I’m usually a bit of an insomniac but, funnily enough, now that I’m actually trying to stay awake longer, guess what my body wants to do? Yup, that’s right – sleep. FFS.
Anyway, even though I hadn’t planned on doing so, I might pop out to the pub today. My local seems to be the only out-of-town drinking place that can be arsed to be open on Christmas and New Year’s Day. How convenient for me! I’ll let you know how I get on. Bet you I fall asleep before opening time. All I need to do is stay awake for another four hours or so.
Oh, that massive boxset of William Shakespeare audio recordings arrived! It’s very swish. Now all I need to do is find a place to store the damned thing. I’m running out of space in this one bedroom flat. Oh well. I’ve imported ten of the plays so far onto my iPod Nano, but it’s quite a labour-intensive process. I’ll get there in the end, I’m sure. I just hope there’s space on the device for them all.
One of my old Facebook friends has asked my brother for my contact details, now that I’ve shut my account down. I’m not sure why he’s so keen, as we never spoke while I was still on there. Who knows, maybe it’ll spark some actual contact. He’s married with kids, so I doubt his interest is romantic. Unless he’s fed up with the wife and kids. We shall see.
I finally got around to watching Gosford Park the other day. I’ve had it on DVD for ages, but I just haven’t been in the mood for it. I do love Robert Altman films, but I do find I need to be in a very particular frame of mind for them. This week just felt right. Or was it last week? Urgh, I’m totally losing track of time and space. Well, the film is really good, considering Mr Altman made it so late in his career. Directors usually lose their mojo towards the end. Everyone was great in it, especially Emily Watson, Maggie Smith and Kristin Scott Thomas, who is one of my all-time favourite people. Bob Balaban is always a treat too. It’s like catching up with an old friend. I was a little saddened that Derek Jacobi and Stephen Fry weren’t in it more, but wotchagonnado? I found Clive Owen quite compelling, considering I don’t usually like him. I don’t know why I don’t usually like him. It’s an irrational dislike. I didn’t like James McAvoy until I found him to be the only good thing in that terrible X-Men: First Class movie.
Not speaking of the Holocaust, I watched Schindler’s List yesterday. So great. I spent most of the runtime trying not to burst into tears, which I’m guessing is pretty normal. I wonder if Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes have been in a movie together since. I’m guessing Mr Neeson has retired now, since he had that trouble in the papers recently. Alas! Well, after watching the film, I went down a Wikipedia rabbit-hole looking up information on the Holocaust. You can imagine how awful that was. Be nice to each other, people.
Righty, I think that’s about it for today. Not much has happened since whenever. Do drop me a line if you’re about.
Toodles!
Friday, 27 December 2019
Drifting through December
So, Christmas Day turned out to be what it seems to have become – a solo affair with a trip down to the pub for gallons of guffaws. There was a lovely atmosphere throughout the afternoon down at my local, which included some regulars and some randoms, the latter of which seemed surprisingly behaved. The guy I kinda like was in there twice (popping home in between to his paternal family for lunch, methinks) but, as usual, I didn’t get to have a proper chat with him. He seems to like conversing with everyone but me. Maybe he senses I like him. Or he just finds me dull. Either way - oh well. I did get a free bottle of premium-strength beer from the manager for being a dependable regular. That actually cheered me up. This time of year has begun to be rather a struggle for me, which it never has done until now. It’s a long time since I was a kid and Christmas was a mind-bendingly exciting and magical time of year. Now it has become something else entirely.
After the pub, I came home and, I think, just passed out on my bed. Yes, I’d had that much. Around six o’clock I came to and ordered a curry, which was only ok. Compared to last year, there really wasn’t much open on the day. That took me by surprise.
Around midnight, I got quite a treat. Basically, my neighbour below was turning her flat into a nightclub, as usual, but her direct next-door neighbour took exception to this. He’d clearly had enough. I’ve also had enough recently, so I totally understood, but I had stopped hoping that others would support me. That night, they did! I hadn’t said or done anything, but this other neighbour went and pounded on her door, shouting at her to turn the music down/off. She came out and argued with him for a bit then, after they had both retreated into their own homes, turned the music back on and – get this! – went out into the stairwell and sung at the top of her voice. It was the behavior of a crazy person. Well, she’s had me banging on my floor in frustration, which is very against my character, and now this other bloke has snapped, so maybe now she’ll take the hint. Who knows. The type of person who plays music at wall-rattling volume in a communal block of flats is not usually the perceptive type though, unfortunately.
Since Christmas Day, things have been rather quiet. I suppose it has only been two days, though. Time seems to be passing so damned slow at the moment. I’m not sure what’s changed. Perhaps it’s me. I did just finish off the Blandings TV series, which I heartily recommend. It’s only two seasons long and stars the wonderful Timothy Spall and Jennifer Saunders. The real find, however, is Jack Farthing. He’s like a more charismatic, talented and funny Hugh Grant. I’m rather smitten, actually. The feel of the show is a little too cartoony in the first season, but they noticeably tone that down for season two. Sadly, however, the writing isn’t as strong in the second season, so it’s a mixed bag. I laughed out loud so many times during the first season. That's not to say that two is bad. They're both very fun. Spall is also far too animated in the second season, losing the genius of his spaced-out drunkard that made the first so wonderful. Sometimes, they would only need to cut to him looking confused and I'd be roaring with laughter. That's all lost in the second season. Farthing is perfect throughout, however. He can “jack” MY “farthing”, any day! Get it?! Sticky wicket!
Anyway, moving on…
I was a bit upset the other week at the general election turnout but, as discussed in my "The end of an era" post, I have found society to be very reactionary and conservative of late. Who knows what's going on. Youngish folk between 20 and 40 seem to have a preoccupation with hatred, fueled by self-righteousness and an enjoyment of the adrenaline produced by rage, and an almost fetishistic desire to be outraged by something new every day. Their tactics for dealing with such feelings have become worryingly extreme and hypocritically intolerant. I consider myself very politically correct, but things have gone to a weird extreme. It's safer just to keep your head down and not to say anything these days, which is frightening. I dread where this is all leading, more than I fear anything else. Maybe the next generation will be a little more chilled-out. It sounds like most of them are stoned anyway, which is a positive start.
Oh, I’ve just treated myself to the Shakespeare audio recordings collection that I’ve had my eye on for a while. It’s a bit spendy, but I fancied a pick-me-up. I’ve got the BBC DVD set, but I’m finding I quite like such a thing just to listen to in bed. You know – without the telly on. Also, since Shakespeare’s dialogue is so tricky to keep track of, having it pumped directly into my ears with headphones helps a great deal. Otherwise, I’d have to have the telly on far louder than I’d like. I don’t want to turn into her downstairs! Well, that should be arriving later in the week, perhaps after New Year’s Day. We shall see. I’m not in a rush.
I’m still in regular contact with my ex after deciding to patch up our friendship and have another voice in my life. I’m not sure why, but they’ve been mostly texting me this week, instead of the daily phone calls. I’ve not fancied talking much anyway, so maybe it’s for the best. Perhaps they’ve felt the same way. It is a funny time of year, after all.
my deciding to get back in touch is looking rather timely, as I’m a little concerned that another friend may be moving on. It’s not a terrible surprise, but it’s still a little jarring. It could just be a dry spell coupled with my usual paranoia, but I'm sensing something new. They've just done the equivalent of a businessman asking an old colleague, with whom he has had a regular casual lunch for years, to suddenly start making formal appointments to see him through the first businessman's secretary. I’ll persevere, but I’m preparing myself to make some changes. They’ve not been about much this year anyway, so it’ll be fine. I’m experienced at having to let go.
As yet, I’ve still no plans for New Year’s Eve. My sleep pattern has been so inconsistent of late that I’m not entirely sure whether I’m coming or going. I woke up at three o’clock this afternoon, so that should give you an idea of what’s going on. I’m just sipping a coffee now, as of midnight, and may break into the box of lager that arrived today, in an attempt to keep myself awake until late tomorrow. This never works, but I’m feeling so low that some alcoholic oblivion might make a welcome change of headspace.
Oh, I’m just awful.
Well, that’s about all for now. I hope you’re all doing well and coping during this strange period. If you’re struggling and fancy a chat, then do drop me a line. I’m usually pottering about somewhere.
Toodles!
After the pub, I came home and, I think, just passed out on my bed. Yes, I’d had that much. Around six o’clock I came to and ordered a curry, which was only ok. Compared to last year, there really wasn’t much open on the day. That took me by surprise.
Around midnight, I got quite a treat. Basically, my neighbour below was turning her flat into a nightclub, as usual, but her direct next-door neighbour took exception to this. He’d clearly had enough. I’ve also had enough recently, so I totally understood, but I had stopped hoping that others would support me. That night, they did! I hadn’t said or done anything, but this other neighbour went and pounded on her door, shouting at her to turn the music down/off. She came out and argued with him for a bit then, after they had both retreated into their own homes, turned the music back on and – get this! – went out into the stairwell and sung at the top of her voice. It was the behavior of a crazy person. Well, she’s had me banging on my floor in frustration, which is very against my character, and now this other bloke has snapped, so maybe now she’ll take the hint. Who knows. The type of person who plays music at wall-rattling volume in a communal block of flats is not usually the perceptive type though, unfortunately.
Since Christmas Day, things have been rather quiet. I suppose it has only been two days, though. Time seems to be passing so damned slow at the moment. I’m not sure what’s changed. Perhaps it’s me. I did just finish off the Blandings TV series, which I heartily recommend. It’s only two seasons long and stars the wonderful Timothy Spall and Jennifer Saunders. The real find, however, is Jack Farthing. He’s like a more charismatic, talented and funny Hugh Grant. I’m rather smitten, actually. The feel of the show is a little too cartoony in the first season, but they noticeably tone that down for season two. Sadly, however, the writing isn’t as strong in the second season, so it’s a mixed bag. I laughed out loud so many times during the first season. That's not to say that two is bad. They're both very fun. Spall is also far too animated in the second season, losing the genius of his spaced-out drunkard that made the first so wonderful. Sometimes, they would only need to cut to him looking confused and I'd be roaring with laughter. That's all lost in the second season. Farthing is perfect throughout, however. He can “jack” MY “farthing”, any day! Get it?! Sticky wicket!
Anyway, moving on…
I was a bit upset the other week at the general election turnout but, as discussed in my "The end of an era" post, I have found society to be very reactionary and conservative of late. Who knows what's going on. Youngish folk between 20 and 40 seem to have a preoccupation with hatred, fueled by self-righteousness and an enjoyment of the adrenaline produced by rage, and an almost fetishistic desire to be outraged by something new every day. Their tactics for dealing with such feelings have become worryingly extreme and hypocritically intolerant. I consider myself very politically correct, but things have gone to a weird extreme. It's safer just to keep your head down and not to say anything these days, which is frightening. I dread where this is all leading, more than I fear anything else. Maybe the next generation will be a little more chilled-out. It sounds like most of them are stoned anyway, which is a positive start.
Oh, I’ve just treated myself to the Shakespeare audio recordings collection that I’ve had my eye on for a while. It’s a bit spendy, but I fancied a pick-me-up. I’ve got the BBC DVD set, but I’m finding I quite like such a thing just to listen to in bed. You know – without the telly on. Also, since Shakespeare’s dialogue is so tricky to keep track of, having it pumped directly into my ears with headphones helps a great deal. Otherwise, I’d have to have the telly on far louder than I’d like. I don’t want to turn into her downstairs! Well, that should be arriving later in the week, perhaps after New Year’s Day. We shall see. I’m not in a rush.
I’m still in regular contact with my ex after deciding to patch up our friendship and have another voice in my life. I’m not sure why, but they’ve been mostly texting me this week, instead of the daily phone calls. I’ve not fancied talking much anyway, so maybe it’s for the best. Perhaps they’ve felt the same way. It is a funny time of year, after all.
my deciding to get back in touch is looking rather timely, as I’m a little concerned that another friend may be moving on. It’s not a terrible surprise, but it’s still a little jarring. It could just be a dry spell coupled with my usual paranoia, but I'm sensing something new. They've just done the equivalent of a businessman asking an old colleague, with whom he has had a regular casual lunch for years, to suddenly start making formal appointments to see him through the first businessman's secretary. I’ll persevere, but I’m preparing myself to make some changes. They’ve not been about much this year anyway, so it’ll be fine. I’m experienced at having to let go.
As yet, I’ve still no plans for New Year’s Eve. My sleep pattern has been so inconsistent of late that I’m not entirely sure whether I’m coming or going. I woke up at three o’clock this afternoon, so that should give you an idea of what’s going on. I’m just sipping a coffee now, as of midnight, and may break into the box of lager that arrived today, in an attempt to keep myself awake until late tomorrow. This never works, but I’m feeling so low that some alcoholic oblivion might make a welcome change of headspace.
Oh, I’m just awful.
Well, that’s about all for now. I hope you’re all doing well and coping during this strange period. If you’re struggling and fancy a chat, then do drop me a line. I’m usually pottering about somewhere.
Toodles!
Wednesday, 18 December 2019
Season's bleatings
Hey-ho! Thought I’d drop y’all a line, considering it’s that time of year when some of us struggle to stay emotionally buoyant more than others.
My only real plan for Christmas Day is to go down to the pub, share a few guffaws with the regulars, then go home and order a curry. I don’t think I’ve had a “proper” turkey dinner with all the trimmings in a couple of years, but I guess that’ll just make the next one extra-special.
I’m patching up my friendship with my ex, as we’ve both been really unwell this year so I thought we could both do with each other’s company. I think I’m the only one of her many, many friends with who she can cope with staying over at her home and spending any great deal of time with. Well, I guess we did go out for eight years. We hadn’t had a proper catch-up since I finally moved the last of my stuff out of her house in January, which is when I felt like even our friendship was over. I may have been a little melodramatic, but that’s not too strange for me. I’m a bit daft.
So, yeah, it’s been reassuring to have another friend to keep me sane. It felt a little unfair to put all that weight on my gaming buddy and a few confused old sods down at the pub. This flat and its inconsiderate tenants have been driving me crazy, so I needed to get out and see somebody. Putting aside petty differences to improve my mental health wasn’t too tough a challenge, and things seem to be going smoothly. For now.
I’ve made an appointment in January to finally talk to my doctor about going back on antidepressants. I’ve given it a year but, alas, I’m finding I just can’t cope anymore. I know I have other health problems which affect my mood, but my general outlook on life and myself as a person are so bleak and hopeless. When my old medication worked, they helped me get out of bed every morning and tackle each new day with vigour, regardless of my circumstances. Now, every day ahead feels like a wasteland of failure and inevitable decline. My mind also keeps pummeling me with bad memories that I'd rather just forget forever. It’s become a terrible struggle to not just sit crying and wailing into the darkness. Nobody should have to put up with that.
Booze-wise – yes, me staying off it didn’t last too long. A month, was it? Roughly. Anyway, I found myself at a low point one week where I just wanted to drink myself to death. I guess I could still achieve that, but trying the antidepressant route too seems sensible. I’m curious to see which ones I get put on this time, if at all.
In terms of hobbies, I’ve been getting into classic literature of late. On my current audiobook rotation are: Les Misérables, Don Quixote, Anna Karenina, Swann's Way and David Copperfield. All weighty doorstops, for sure, but I’m quite liking sinking into the past. At the risk of sounding maudlin, I often find peace in artworks made before I was born and all the problems started. It’s rather therapeutic. I’m also listening to a series of audio lectures on key turnings points in medieval Europe, which can get rather bleak. Humans have been quite shitty to one another throughout history. It hasn’t stopped. I've also started audioreading The Diary of Samuel Pepys, which I wanted to do more as research for a writing project. I'd like to set a story in the 17th or 18th centuries, so I thought Pepys' diary would get me in the right frame of mind. I've always wanted to read it, regardless.
I’m not playing guitar much at the moment, although I’m not sure why. I have a tinker on my acoustic maybe once or twice a week, but that’s about it. I’m sure I’ll come back round to another musical phase eventually, but it’s definitely on the backburner for now.
Oh, I've bought the Are You Being Served? boxset at last. I've obviously passed it while channel hopping when it's been on telly over the years, but I don't think I've ever actually sat through an entire episode before now. For some reason, I've felt like I've needed to watch it from the start, which really wasn't necessary. I'm really enjoying it, I must say. My favourite character is Mrs Slocombe, who is probably camper than the not-as-camp-as-his-reputation-suggests Mr Humphries (who's wonderful too). There's some awkward old-school 70s racism in there unfortunately, but so far there's only been one major incident. I'm on the third of ten series at the moment, and I hope the quality doesn't go downhill too steeply towards the end.
No romance news at the moment, I'm afraid. If something does crop up, then it’ll definitely be out of left field. I really could do with some intimacy though. Not sexual intimacy, just closeness with somebody I care about and who cares about me. It could be a he. It could be a she. When I'm lying in bed watching DVDs, I often imagine there's somebody lying there with me, their head on my chest, and I smell their hair, then they look up at me and smile, and I smile back, then we hold each other a little tighter and go back to watching whatever-it-was we were watching. I miss all that. I really don’t feel romantically about my ex anymore so, even though we’re becoming friends again, I don’t think I’d want to get back together. She’s been officially promoted to being my “fag hag”. Bless.
Saying that, there are a couple of guys I like, but I think they’ll just turn out to be dead ends. I’m not much to look at these days, even if they did turn out to be gay. I need to try a bit harder. Sigh. But, yeah, I’ve made the mistake of falling for straight guys in the past and, well, misery ensued. Flirting with supermarket delivery men will just have to do for now.
So, to bring things to a close, in some ways I’m shrugging to cope, but in others I’m feeling quite productive. It really depends on my mood on the day. I’m curious to see how Christmas Day goes, as I quite enjoyed a simple afternoon down at the ale house last year. I’ve not thought about what to do for New Year’s Eve yet, which is odd for me. I’m sure I’ll pick a film series to sit down with closer to the time. Maybe I’ll do the original six Star Trek films again. They’re usually a blast.
Well, if you fancy hooking up for a few jars over the holidays, then do let me know. I’ll probably be about somewhere staring off into the distance contemplating the universe. Fun, huh?
Anyway…
Toodles!
My only real plan for Christmas Day is to go down to the pub, share a few guffaws with the regulars, then go home and order a curry. I don’t think I’ve had a “proper” turkey dinner with all the trimmings in a couple of years, but I guess that’ll just make the next one extra-special.
I’m patching up my friendship with my ex, as we’ve both been really unwell this year so I thought we could both do with each other’s company. I think I’m the only one of her many, many friends with who she can cope with staying over at her home and spending any great deal of time with. Well, I guess we did go out for eight years. We hadn’t had a proper catch-up since I finally moved the last of my stuff out of her house in January, which is when I felt like even our friendship was over. I may have been a little melodramatic, but that’s not too strange for me. I’m a bit daft.
So, yeah, it’s been reassuring to have another friend to keep me sane. It felt a little unfair to put all that weight on my gaming buddy and a few confused old sods down at the pub. This flat and its inconsiderate tenants have been driving me crazy, so I needed to get out and see somebody. Putting aside petty differences to improve my mental health wasn’t too tough a challenge, and things seem to be going smoothly. For now.
I’ve made an appointment in January to finally talk to my doctor about going back on antidepressants. I’ve given it a year but, alas, I’m finding I just can’t cope anymore. I know I have other health problems which affect my mood, but my general outlook on life and myself as a person are so bleak and hopeless. When my old medication worked, they helped me get out of bed every morning and tackle each new day with vigour, regardless of my circumstances. Now, every day ahead feels like a wasteland of failure and inevitable decline. My mind also keeps pummeling me with bad memories that I'd rather just forget forever. It’s become a terrible struggle to not just sit crying and wailing into the darkness. Nobody should have to put up with that.
Booze-wise – yes, me staying off it didn’t last too long. A month, was it? Roughly. Anyway, I found myself at a low point one week where I just wanted to drink myself to death. I guess I could still achieve that, but trying the antidepressant route too seems sensible. I’m curious to see which ones I get put on this time, if at all.
In terms of hobbies, I’ve been getting into classic literature of late. On my current audiobook rotation are: Les Misérables, Don Quixote, Anna Karenina, Swann's Way and David Copperfield. All weighty doorstops, for sure, but I’m quite liking sinking into the past. At the risk of sounding maudlin, I often find peace in artworks made before I was born and all the problems started. It’s rather therapeutic. I’m also listening to a series of audio lectures on key turnings points in medieval Europe, which can get rather bleak. Humans have been quite shitty to one another throughout history. It hasn’t stopped. I've also started audioreading The Diary of Samuel Pepys, which I wanted to do more as research for a writing project. I'd like to set a story in the 17th or 18th centuries, so I thought Pepys' diary would get me in the right frame of mind. I've always wanted to read it, regardless.
I’m not playing guitar much at the moment, although I’m not sure why. I have a tinker on my acoustic maybe once or twice a week, but that’s about it. I’m sure I’ll come back round to another musical phase eventually, but it’s definitely on the backburner for now.
Oh, I've bought the Are You Being Served? boxset at last. I've obviously passed it while channel hopping when it's been on telly over the years, but I don't think I've ever actually sat through an entire episode before now. For some reason, I've felt like I've needed to watch it from the start, which really wasn't necessary. I'm really enjoying it, I must say. My favourite character is Mrs Slocombe, who is probably camper than the not-as-camp-as-his-reputation-suggests Mr Humphries (who's wonderful too). There's some awkward old-school 70s racism in there unfortunately, but so far there's only been one major incident. I'm on the third of ten series at the moment, and I hope the quality doesn't go downhill too steeply towards the end.
No romance news at the moment, I'm afraid. If something does crop up, then it’ll definitely be out of left field. I really could do with some intimacy though. Not sexual intimacy, just closeness with somebody I care about and who cares about me. It could be a he. It could be a she. When I'm lying in bed watching DVDs, I often imagine there's somebody lying there with me, their head on my chest, and I smell their hair, then they look up at me and smile, and I smile back, then we hold each other a little tighter and go back to watching whatever-it-was we were watching. I miss all that. I really don’t feel romantically about my ex anymore so, even though we’re becoming friends again, I don’t think I’d want to get back together. She’s been officially promoted to being my “fag hag”. Bless.
Saying that, there are a couple of guys I like, but I think they’ll just turn out to be dead ends. I’m not much to look at these days, even if they did turn out to be gay. I need to try a bit harder. Sigh. But, yeah, I’ve made the mistake of falling for straight guys in the past and, well, misery ensued. Flirting with supermarket delivery men will just have to do for now.
So, to bring things to a close, in some ways I’m shrugging to cope, but in others I’m feeling quite productive. It really depends on my mood on the day. I’m curious to see how Christmas Day goes, as I quite enjoyed a simple afternoon down at the ale house last year. I’ve not thought about what to do for New Year’s Eve yet, which is odd for me. I’m sure I’ll pick a film series to sit down with closer to the time. Maybe I’ll do the original six Star Trek films again. They’re usually a blast.
Well, if you fancy hooking up for a few jars over the holidays, then do let me know. I’ll probably be about somewhere staring off into the distance contemplating the universe. Fun, huh?
Anyway…
Toodles!
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