Greetings from the eye of the storm! Yes, apparently we’re getting another one, this time called “Jorge”. It’s supposed to have started already, but so far it’s been very sunny today with only relatively minor winds. Maybe the storm will “heat up” tomorrow. Or later on today. I was thinking about getting a takeaway later, so I hope, for the sake of the delivery person, that it doesn’t. We’ve been forecast snow for most days this week, but it really hasn’t materialised. Maybe it has in brief showers, but restocking my kitchen cupboards like a crazy person really wasn’t necessary. Oh well.
So, how am I feeling? Pretty rubbish. I still haven’t noticed a great change with being on these new antidepressants for two months. I’m still struggling to get out of bed in the morning, I’m feeling anxious and hopeless most of the time, and I’m resorting to boozing just to feel stable. I know the latter is a big no-no, but it’s the only time I feel vaguely sane. I need to file a new prescription soon, so I may ask for a telephone consultation with the doctor and discuss going up yet another dose. We shall see. I did have a chat with the local mental health people over the phone. We went through one of those standard “rate how you feel” questionnaires, most of the answers to which I gave the highest rating of negativity. That’s never happened before. Usually I have to think about my answers and give sevens or eights. In this case, however, everything was a ten. Bad across the board. It was pretty grim. It’s been over a week since that conversation, but nobody’s been in touch. My feeling of isolation and dread worsens.
On the slightly plus side, my libido seems to have improved. I’ve started feeling naturally amorous at random points throughout the day, and haven’t struggled to reach orgasm. Actually, I’ve been getting so much precum whilst masturbating that it’s gotten annoying. Well, only in a technical respect. It means there’s just another thing to have to dry off. Still, my orgasms have been nicely intense, one being so much so that I overshot the towel between my legs. Not bad!
I actually managed to go to the pub on Thursday and not continue drinking once I got home, which is good. For me. I was pretty much over my hangover by yesterday afternoon. I need to do that every time, really. My best tactic is to plan an elaborate meal to cook for myself once I get home, which saps my energy. I can have a can or two while I’m cooking but, basically, the feast will send me to sleep so I don’t continue drinking indefinitely. It’s actually more fun that way. I think I stopped doing that a while back because I kept having incidents where I fell asleep while waiting for stuff to cook. Cue the smoke alarm. So, yeah, I just need to be a bit more careful, which is kinda tricky when you’re smashed.
At the very, very, very least, this behaviour gets me out of the flat and talking to people. Otherwise, I’ve got nothing.
On the hobby front, I’m still not playing guitar much. I had a little strum yesterday, but it was very uninspired. I’m mainly watching sitcoms and listing to Discworld audiobooks. I did watch the documentary Night Will Fall the other day, which follows the rediscovery and completion of the post-war government documentary German Concentration Camps Factual Survey. I have a vague interest in stories about lost artworks, so I decided to invest in the DVD. I was a bit dubious about a documentary-about-a-documentary, but it generally justified its existence. I think German Concentration Camps Factual Survey might be in the public domain, so free to watch online, but I’ve yet to catch it. It may not be. As you can imagine, it’s quite an emotional thing to experience. One should never be in the right mood to witness such horrors, but there is a middle ground somewhere. I’m sure I’ll get around to it this weekend.
I’ve been listening to the new album by La Roux this week, which has yet to grab my attention. It’s elevator music akin to the recent Arctic Monkeys album Tranquillity Base Hotel & Casino. Is this a new genre: boring the crap out of people? Sheesh. And I thought I was the one supposed to be getting old and stale. I shall persevere though. Maybe it just takes a few listens. I’ll let you know.
I’ve been listening to the Astronomy Cast a lot this week. I’m ten years behind, so I’m sure a lot of the information is out of date now but, hey, that just means I’ll have lots of fun update episodes to listen to. The two hosts are so inspiring. Due to my deteriorating Retinitis Pigmentosa eye condition (and maths blindness, intellectually speaking), astronomy is something I’ve never been able to engage in, which has always upset me. However, hearing these two wonderful people getting excited about it and sharing their enthusiasm with the world is a constant joy. I can’t recommend it enough.
I’m still doing a lot of solo gaming at the moment, almost to the point where I’m tempted to cancel my PS+ subscription. I’m just not talking to anyone anymore. I’ll give it a few more weeks though. There’s only a few games I’ll have to purchase if I do end it. I still enjoy doing GTA Online races and, when I’m drunk and feeling brave, playing Rainbow Six: Siege multiplayer, but it may not be enough for the £7 a month. I’ll have a think.
I’ve still not watched that documentary on Motown, which I’ve had on Blu-ray for about a fortnight now. Since I’ve not been feeling particularly musical, I’ve just not felt inclined to sit down with it and press play. Maybe doing so will inspire me to start performing more music myself. I’ll see how I feel later on today.
My mum rang me yesterday. I’ve not spoken to her since, well, probably early last year. Or maybe longer. She’s well into her seventies now and has been recently having trouble with her memory. She said over the phone that she’s been diagnosed with Early Onset Memory Loss, but I’m wondering whether it’s Dementia and she just doesn’t want to admit it to people. She’s very sensitive about what people think. She did get something wrong about me during our chat, which was rather worrying. It wasn’t a major thing, but she recalled something that I just hadn’t done. I kept trying to tell her that she must be thinking of someone else, but she didn’t seem to understand. Bless. She’s always been a bit eccentric, so this is hardly a huge step but, still, it’s sad to hear someone you love deteriorating. I haven’t seen either (divorced) parent in person in a decade now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about them. I’m just worried about my depression affecting them, because it probably will.
Anyway, I think that’s all for now. This post has been a bit of a mixed bag. I’m not sure how far off a little positivity is. The horizon looks pretty bare.
Do stay in touch, darlings.
Toodles!
Saturday, 29 February 2020
Saturday, 15 February 2020
Playing the fool (in the game of life)
Well, well, well, here we are again. The weather is still rather horrid, with high winds and horizontal rain battering the building as I type. It doesn’t help one’s mood, I must say. Speaking of mood, that’s not been great this week either. My new medication is supposed to combat this, but I’ve been feeling rather rejected and hopeless since my trip to the pub on Wednesday. I know booze doesn’t help but, as you may have noticed from my ad hoc “An alien” post, I felt like I’d failed to connect with people yet again. I may go back to a more anonymous drinking establishment, who knows. I feel so much for people, despite my outward misanthropy, and yet I just can’t seem to express it. Or am too afraid to. Why? Maybe it’s my rather reserved upbringing. Or just my mental health issues. I did give my gaming handle to someone, in case they might want to add me as a friend. They haven’t. I guess they could be busy or blah blah blah, or maybe I should just take the hint. That guy I like ended up taking another bloke home with him from the pub. For a friendly hangout, I assume, but still… I wish that kind of thing would happen to me. That’s my simple dream – to sit and watch some bad movies with a friend and get drunk together. It seems such an impossible thing to achieve. Everyone but me are pairing off together. Sigh.
Anyway, my two medical appointments didn’t pan out this week. The first I rearranged because the weather was so bad, the second my doctor cancelled because he couldn’t get to work due to snow. I’m guessing he lives somewhere nice out in the country, as Sheffield seemed snow-free. I think it did try to snow one day, but it didn’t stick.
I ended up having to walk down to the pub the other day, as part of the route down there was closed off for some reason. My bus service seemed to be cancelled altogether. There was a simple way of going around the obstruction, but I don’t think they were even trying. Oh well, at least I got some exercise. I’d do that more, but the weather does tend to sap one’s enthusiasm. I think I may feel well enough now to start using my exercise bike again, so maybe I’ll start later on today, or do it tomorrow morning. We shall see.
I re-watched that Shock Treatment film on Tuesday, only this time with the audio commentary track by Nell Campbell and Patricia Quinn on. What a delightful pair of old lushes! They’re SO catty! Listening to them rambling on is the most fun you can ever have. Patty Quinn is not quite on this planet, unless she was having a few glasses of wine as they chatted. She was just as bizarre during the mid-90s Rocky Horror commentary recording that she did with Dicky O’Brien. That one’s on the DVD. I’ve been listening to the Shock Treatment soundtrack all week. I highly recommend: “Denton USA”, “Bitchin’ in the Kitchen”, “Little Black Dress”, “Shock Treatment”, “Breaking Out” and “Anyhow, Anyhow”. “Breaking Out” is a great moment in the movie itself. I don’t know why, but the tight medium shot of Oscar Drill as he sings it is so powerful. I was totally rivetted the first time I saw it. I may have to add “Breaking Out” to my Good Songs playlist on Spotify. Here's that scene:
I haven’t watched much else new, as I’ve mostly been indulging in safe, familiar stuff. Hopefully I’ll be brave and branch out this week. I certainly have plenty of new stuff to be getting on with. I did start watching that Good Omens series, which I was really enjoying. I’ve just not gotten around to continuing it yet. I’ll add it to the list!
I’m wondering whether to treat myself to a takeaway tonight, but I feel so bad making delivery people come out in this weather. I almost talked myself into going out to the pub again today but, alas, this weather has put me off. It looks and sounds pretty brutal out there. Apparently the storm has been named: “Clara”. So now you know.
What else? Hmmm, I guess my sex-drive has been pretty low the past few weeks. Maybe that’s medication related. I’ve masturbated nearly every day, but I’ve kinda had to remind myself to do it. I tend to fire-up some porn, rather begrudgingly, in the hope that something will interest me. Mostly I’ve gotten there in the end, but it’s been a pretty mechanical process. I could do with some real passion in my life. A big fat cock to suck would be nice. Nom, nom, nom!
Oh, I just found out Green Day have a new album out, called Father of All Motherfuckers. I just listened to it about an hour ago. It was pretty forgettable, like Revolution Radio. Shame, as I’ve loved all their stuff from American Idiot to the Uno! Dos! Tre! trilogy. I guess you can’t keep going forever. They can’t need the money anymore, so I admire that they’re probably still working simply because they enjoy it. That’s a comforting thought.
I was quite proud that I managed to complete Downwell the other week. I’ve been playing it for years, but have only just managed to defeat the big boss. I almost didn’t finish that session actually, as it was just before I went out to the pub last Saturday. As I went through each level I was all like “Shall I keep going? I really need to leave the house!”, but I stuck with it and, miraculously , actually got to the end. I was so stunned. Here’s the video of my extraordinary victory:
Speaking of video games, my gaming buddy has said they’ll be offline indefinitely from now on, so I’m guessing that’s another friendship coming to a conclusion. I’m really stacking them up, aren’t I? Well, it’s not the most shocking turn of events ever. As I’ve said in the past – I’m used to having to move on. Maybe they’ll make a comeback someday, but I’ll gracefully accept their departure in the meantime.
Right, I best go experience life so I have more to write about. I hope you’re all staying dry, darlings.
Do stay in touch!
Toodles!
Anyway, my two medical appointments didn’t pan out this week. The first I rearranged because the weather was so bad, the second my doctor cancelled because he couldn’t get to work due to snow. I’m guessing he lives somewhere nice out in the country, as Sheffield seemed snow-free. I think it did try to snow one day, but it didn’t stick.
I ended up having to walk down to the pub the other day, as part of the route down there was closed off for some reason. My bus service seemed to be cancelled altogether. There was a simple way of going around the obstruction, but I don’t think they were even trying. Oh well, at least I got some exercise. I’d do that more, but the weather does tend to sap one’s enthusiasm. I think I may feel well enough now to start using my exercise bike again, so maybe I’ll start later on today, or do it tomorrow morning. We shall see.
I re-watched that Shock Treatment film on Tuesday, only this time with the audio commentary track by Nell Campbell and Patricia Quinn on. What a delightful pair of old lushes! They’re SO catty! Listening to them rambling on is the most fun you can ever have. Patty Quinn is not quite on this planet, unless she was having a few glasses of wine as they chatted. She was just as bizarre during the mid-90s Rocky Horror commentary recording that she did with Dicky O’Brien. That one’s on the DVD. I’ve been listening to the Shock Treatment soundtrack all week. I highly recommend: “Denton USA”, “Bitchin’ in the Kitchen”, “Little Black Dress”, “Shock Treatment”, “Breaking Out” and “Anyhow, Anyhow”. “Breaking Out” is a great moment in the movie itself. I don’t know why, but the tight medium shot of Oscar Drill as he sings it is so powerful. I was totally rivetted the first time I saw it. I may have to add “Breaking Out” to my Good Songs playlist on Spotify. Here's that scene:
I haven’t watched much else new, as I’ve mostly been indulging in safe, familiar stuff. Hopefully I’ll be brave and branch out this week. I certainly have plenty of new stuff to be getting on with. I did start watching that Good Omens series, which I was really enjoying. I’ve just not gotten around to continuing it yet. I’ll add it to the list!
I’m wondering whether to treat myself to a takeaway tonight, but I feel so bad making delivery people come out in this weather. I almost talked myself into going out to the pub again today but, alas, this weather has put me off. It looks and sounds pretty brutal out there. Apparently the storm has been named: “Clara”. So now you know.
What else? Hmmm, I guess my sex-drive has been pretty low the past few weeks. Maybe that’s medication related. I’ve masturbated nearly every day, but I’ve kinda had to remind myself to do it. I tend to fire-up some porn, rather begrudgingly, in the hope that something will interest me. Mostly I’ve gotten there in the end, but it’s been a pretty mechanical process. I could do with some real passion in my life. A big fat cock to suck would be nice. Nom, nom, nom!
Oh, I just found out Green Day have a new album out, called Father of All Motherfuckers. I just listened to it about an hour ago. It was pretty forgettable, like Revolution Radio. Shame, as I’ve loved all their stuff from American Idiot to the Uno! Dos! Tre! trilogy. I guess you can’t keep going forever. They can’t need the money anymore, so I admire that they’re probably still working simply because they enjoy it. That’s a comforting thought.
I was quite proud that I managed to complete Downwell the other week. I’ve been playing it for years, but have only just managed to defeat the big boss. I almost didn’t finish that session actually, as it was just before I went out to the pub last Saturday. As I went through each level I was all like “Shall I keep going? I really need to leave the house!”, but I stuck with it and, miraculously , actually got to the end. I was so stunned. Here’s the video of my extraordinary victory:
Speaking of video games, my gaming buddy has said they’ll be offline indefinitely from now on, so I’m guessing that’s another friendship coming to a conclusion. I’m really stacking them up, aren’t I? Well, it’s not the most shocking turn of events ever. As I’ve said in the past – I’m used to having to move on. Maybe they’ll make a comeback someday, but I’ll gracefully accept their departure in the meantime.
Right, I best go experience life so I have more to write about. I hope you’re all staying dry, darlings.
Do stay in touch!
Toodles!
Wednesday, 12 February 2020
An alien
I guess I sort of know, but generally I don't get why I don't connect with people like other people do. I do legit feel like an alien sometimes. Like everybody's in on something that I'm not.
I just don't understand.
I want to befriend people, but everyone just seems freaked out with me. Like there's something wrong with me.
Is it because I'm too complicated? Is it because I'm disabled? Is it because I'm queer?
I feel utterly lost tonight.
Society simply doesn't want me.
Why? Tell me the secret.
I just don't understand.
I want to befriend people, but everyone just seems freaked out with me. Like there's something wrong with me.
Is it because I'm too complicated? Is it because I'm disabled? Is it because I'm queer?
I feel utterly lost tonight.
Society simply doesn't want me.
Why? Tell me the secret.
Sunday, 9 February 2020
Blown away
But not in a sexual fashion, unfortunately. Chance would be a fine thing. Anyway, yes, the weather is appalling here in the north of England. I was genuinely worried my windows were going to shatter from the sheer force of the gales last night. I’m not quite sure where this has all come from, as I thought the weather was supposed to be getting better. Nope! Time to stock up on energy meter credit again, just in case it snows. Alas!
I’ve only got two medical appointments to attend this week, so at least I’m able to avoid unnecessary travel. Still, it all makes me a little anxious. I’m on the top floor of a block of flats that’s quite high up on a hill here, so the wind feels even stronger. The rain has been horizontal! If it’s not too rough on Wednesday, I’ll try popping to the pub after my appointment. I’ve started going back to my regular ale house, which is good. I think my new antidepressants have boosted my confidence a little. I was in such a bad state a month ago. I still have downs, but I’m definitely noticing some positive change. I just hope more is to come.
It’s been a bit quiet on the gaming front, but I’m actually getting used to that. My regular gaming buddy is still busy with other things at the moment, so I’m making do with single player stuff. I’m not sure whether this is a permanent situation or not, so I’m preparing myself for the worst. I’m familiarising myself with Rainbow Six: Siege maps by creating custom solo matches, then I just wander around getting used to the layout of each area. The villa map is my favourite. I wish I could live there for real. I like that it’s clearly a mansion owned by a single person, as there’s only one bedroom and the rest of the upstairs rooms are dedicated to hobbies. That’s how I’d have it. You never know! I just need those winning numbers.
Oh, I’ve just watched the 1981 film Shock Treatment, which is the sequel to The Rocky Horror Picture Show. It’s generally referred to as a “semi-sequel” as, while it follows the characters of Brad and Janet again, the story is completely different. It’s sort of a cross between The Prisoner and The Truman Show. It makes about as much sense as Rocky Horror, which is none, but it looks fabulous and the songs are great! I’d say this is a better film than Rocky Horror, and I prefer the lovely Jessica Harper as Janet. I can’t recommend this film enough. It’s just a shame that it’s generally ignored as an inferior accompaniment to Rock Horror. But no, it’s not! They made a real effort with Shock Treatment, and every penny is up there on screen. Please, PLEASE watch it, if you can. I’m becoming more and more convinced that Patty Quinn has the best voice ever. It’s just a shame she hasn’t done any audiobook readings. Bah!
I’ve also got a documentary on Motown, The Hateful Eight, and the Hamlet spinoff Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead to watch. I saw the latter on television years ago, but it’s taken me this long to track down a copy. I think they finally did a rerelease in 2015, which is what turned up yesterday.
Speaking of Tim Roth, I didn’t manage to finish that Vincent & Theo miniseries, in which he plays the titular Vincent Van Gogh. It was pretty terrible. I might get the shorter theatrical version and compare the two. The miniseries is just baffling. I’m not quite sure what Robert Altman was thinking, if he was thinking at all. It’s almost worth recommending just for how bizarrely dreadful it is. I’ll try and finish it before I dismiss it entirely though. If I can summon the energy.
Well, I best try and get some sleep. I’m working my way through Will & Grace in bed again. I’ve needed plenty of comfort watches recently. I did start watching the 80s British sitcom Shelley, but I’m taking a mini-break from it. It’s not been funny or interesting enough to stick with, but not bad enough to abandon. It’s just kind of, well, there. Hywel Bennett is delightful though, may he rest in peace.
Do stay in touch, darlings.
Toodles!
I’ve only got two medical appointments to attend this week, so at least I’m able to avoid unnecessary travel. Still, it all makes me a little anxious. I’m on the top floor of a block of flats that’s quite high up on a hill here, so the wind feels even stronger. The rain has been horizontal! If it’s not too rough on Wednesday, I’ll try popping to the pub after my appointment. I’ve started going back to my regular ale house, which is good. I think my new antidepressants have boosted my confidence a little. I was in such a bad state a month ago. I still have downs, but I’m definitely noticing some positive change. I just hope more is to come.
It’s been a bit quiet on the gaming front, but I’m actually getting used to that. My regular gaming buddy is still busy with other things at the moment, so I’m making do with single player stuff. I’m not sure whether this is a permanent situation or not, so I’m preparing myself for the worst. I’m familiarising myself with Rainbow Six: Siege maps by creating custom solo matches, then I just wander around getting used to the layout of each area. The villa map is my favourite. I wish I could live there for real. I like that it’s clearly a mansion owned by a single person, as there’s only one bedroom and the rest of the upstairs rooms are dedicated to hobbies. That’s how I’d have it. You never know! I just need those winning numbers.
Oh, I’ve just watched the 1981 film Shock Treatment, which is the sequel to The Rocky Horror Picture Show. It’s generally referred to as a “semi-sequel” as, while it follows the characters of Brad and Janet again, the story is completely different. It’s sort of a cross between The Prisoner and The Truman Show. It makes about as much sense as Rocky Horror, which is none, but it looks fabulous and the songs are great! I’d say this is a better film than Rocky Horror, and I prefer the lovely Jessica Harper as Janet. I can’t recommend this film enough. It’s just a shame that it’s generally ignored as an inferior accompaniment to Rock Horror. But no, it’s not! They made a real effort with Shock Treatment, and every penny is up there on screen. Please, PLEASE watch it, if you can. I’m becoming more and more convinced that Patty Quinn has the best voice ever. It’s just a shame she hasn’t done any audiobook readings. Bah!
I’ve also got a documentary on Motown, The Hateful Eight, and the Hamlet spinoff Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead to watch. I saw the latter on television years ago, but it’s taken me this long to track down a copy. I think they finally did a rerelease in 2015, which is what turned up yesterday.
Speaking of Tim Roth, I didn’t manage to finish that Vincent & Theo miniseries, in which he plays the titular Vincent Van Gogh. It was pretty terrible. I might get the shorter theatrical version and compare the two. The miniseries is just baffling. I’m not quite sure what Robert Altman was thinking, if he was thinking at all. It’s almost worth recommending just for how bizarrely dreadful it is. I’ll try and finish it before I dismiss it entirely though. If I can summon the energy.
Well, I best try and get some sleep. I’m working my way through Will & Grace in bed again. I’ve needed plenty of comfort watches recently. I did start watching the 80s British sitcom Shelley, but I’m taking a mini-break from it. It’s not been funny or interesting enough to stick with, but not bad enough to abandon. It’s just kind of, well, there. Hywel Bennett is delightful though, may he rest in peace.
Do stay in touch, darlings.
Toodles!
Friday, 31 January 2020
Sketches of isolation
Just a quick update. Life’s been pretty quiet of late, so it’s more internal stuff that I have to report.
I’ve been on my new antidepressants for about three and a half weeks now, plus one and a half weeks on the higher dose. Dosage? I’m never too sure how to word that. Anyway, I feel that I am over the worst of the initial negative side effects, and am now waiting for the positive effects to take hold. I am feeling some changes, but I try not to take them for granted. They may just be natural daily emotional shifts. The waiting is always the worst. Regardless, I’ve still been keeping myself indoors mostly, only going out to see my doctor or to take rubbish down to the wheelie bins. I do get a little fed up of these four walls, but I think it’s safer for everybody if I keep myself isolated for now. I did go out to the pub last Monday, which was pleasantly uneventful. I didn’t stay for too long. I went to the pub at the train station where nobody knows me, which made a nice change. Anonymity is nice, sometimes. I’m feeling a little more inclined to go back to my old regular pub now, so maybe that’s a sign that the medication is working. Who knows.
I was concerned that we were about to get a heavy snow fall, but that doesn’t seem to have transpired. I think it may have snowed one night, as I heard light precipitation hitting the window but, if it was snow, it didn’t settle. Apparently the weather is going to improve from now on, but I shall keep my cupboards stocked regardless.
Contact with other people has been minimal. I’ve played video games online with a couple of friends, and I’m in regular text communication with the ex, but that’s about it. Again, it’s probably for the best. Unless it’s not. Maybe I’m getting a little weird. I guess I’ll find out if I do return to my regular ale house. That friend I thought was “moving on” has assured me that they’ve not forgotten about me. They’re just a bit busy. I hadn’t said anything about it, but I think they were aware that we hadn’t spoken lately. I don’t want to be clingy or anything. I understand that friendships can come to an end. I also understand that I can be a bit of a handful, so it’s fine if people need a break from me.
I’ve been watching some new films, which feels healthy. It’s good to exercise the mind. I should be exercising my body too, but that’s just not been happening. I don’t feel too inclined to go into great detail about what I’ve watched, but I have been collecting films about artistic people, including Mr Turner, Love is the Devil and Vincent & Theo. The latter I’m in the midst of watching this afternoon. If you know of any inspiring biographical films about creative people, of any kind, then do get in touch.
I’ve also started listening to one of those Great Courses audio lectures on the history of China. I know next to nothing about Chinese history, so it’s been quite interesting. It’s amazing how much information there is about their BCE era. I suppose Britain is quite unique in having historical “dark ages”. I’m also finding that learning about history is often a lesson in how horrible people can be to one another, but there are some nice stories in there too. It’s not all bad.
Well, since I’m feeling a little emotionally muted today, I won’t keep you. Maybe I’ll post something more detailed over the weekend.
Do stay in touch.
Toodles!
I’ve been on my new antidepressants for about three and a half weeks now, plus one and a half weeks on the higher dose. Dosage? I’m never too sure how to word that. Anyway, I feel that I am over the worst of the initial negative side effects, and am now waiting for the positive effects to take hold. I am feeling some changes, but I try not to take them for granted. They may just be natural daily emotional shifts. The waiting is always the worst. Regardless, I’ve still been keeping myself indoors mostly, only going out to see my doctor or to take rubbish down to the wheelie bins. I do get a little fed up of these four walls, but I think it’s safer for everybody if I keep myself isolated for now. I did go out to the pub last Monday, which was pleasantly uneventful. I didn’t stay for too long. I went to the pub at the train station where nobody knows me, which made a nice change. Anonymity is nice, sometimes. I’m feeling a little more inclined to go back to my old regular pub now, so maybe that’s a sign that the medication is working. Who knows.
I was concerned that we were about to get a heavy snow fall, but that doesn’t seem to have transpired. I think it may have snowed one night, as I heard light precipitation hitting the window but, if it was snow, it didn’t settle. Apparently the weather is going to improve from now on, but I shall keep my cupboards stocked regardless.
Contact with other people has been minimal. I’ve played video games online with a couple of friends, and I’m in regular text communication with the ex, but that’s about it. Again, it’s probably for the best. Unless it’s not. Maybe I’m getting a little weird. I guess I’ll find out if I do return to my regular ale house. That friend I thought was “moving on” has assured me that they’ve not forgotten about me. They’re just a bit busy. I hadn’t said anything about it, but I think they were aware that we hadn’t spoken lately. I don’t want to be clingy or anything. I understand that friendships can come to an end. I also understand that I can be a bit of a handful, so it’s fine if people need a break from me.
I’ve been watching some new films, which feels healthy. It’s good to exercise the mind. I should be exercising my body too, but that’s just not been happening. I don’t feel too inclined to go into great detail about what I’ve watched, but I have been collecting films about artistic people, including Mr Turner, Love is the Devil and Vincent & Theo. The latter I’m in the midst of watching this afternoon. If you know of any inspiring biographical films about creative people, of any kind, then do get in touch.
I’ve also started listening to one of those Great Courses audio lectures on the history of China. I know next to nothing about Chinese history, so it’s been quite interesting. It’s amazing how much information there is about their BCE era. I suppose Britain is quite unique in having historical “dark ages”. I’m also finding that learning about history is often a lesson in how horrible people can be to one another, but there are some nice stories in there too. It’s not all bad.
Well, since I’m feeling a little emotionally muted today, I won’t keep you. Maybe I’ll post something more detailed over the weekend.
Do stay in touch.
Toodles!
Friday, 17 January 2020
Bedside history lessons
A week being back on antidepressants has brought about some lows and some mediums. I’ve generally felt very unwell, so have kept myself indoors. Today was the first time I’ve left the flat since last Wednesday, if only to take my rubbish down to the wheelie bins. It’s something. The side effects can make you physically unstable so, combining that with my poor eyesight, I thought it best to quarantine myself for a bit. My mood has also been pushed down considerably, but I expect that to be pulled back up eventually. It’s just how the tablets work, I’m afraid. I’m hoping that I’m over the worst, but I shall keep an open mind.
I’ve tried my best to keep away from booze while the side effects take hold, although I did have a mini-session on Monday. I felt slightly stranger than usual after a few beers, so I’m glad I kept it to a minimum. Well, a minimum for me. Since I’m feeling a little more clear-headed today, and because it’s Friday, I might have a session this evening. I’m still not feeling confident enough to go out, although I usually don’t at the weekends anyway. Maybe I’ll venture out after my doctor’s appointment on Wednesday. I still need to find myself a new regular drinking establishment after deciding that my usual place has been getting a bit racist. I have a couple of ideas.
Last night I finished the Great Causes audio lecture on Turning Points in Medieval History, which I’ve been listening to in bed off-and-on for a few months now. I was actually really sad when it was all over. I highly recommend it. The lecturer, Dorsey Armstrong, is very passionate, and has helped me generate a great deal of passion and interest in the subject matter. I will not only listen to this one again, but seek out further lectures by her. I’ve learnt more in these past few months than I ever did at school, I must say.
I’ve started watching the 1927 silent biopic about Napoleon. It’s about six hours long, so I’ve been waiting until I’ve been in the right mood. Since starting it, I’ve decided to treat it like a television miniseries that has multiple episodes, so I take a break for a day or so once I finish each act. It’s a very innovative film, for its time, therefore wonderful from a film appreciation perspective; however, it tends to lavish affection on its subject matter to a fault, treating Napoleon with almost Christ-like reverence. It’s alternately amusing and tiresome. I’ll let you know how I feel if I ever get to the end. Silent films are quite difficult for a visually impaired person to experience, so I sometimes get a little frustrated with how little information I am able to pick up. That’s not the film’s fault, of course, but it does mean that it’s taking me longer than necessary to get through it. Oh well.
Speaking of biopics, I also watched the 2002 film Frida the other day. Basically, I thought it was a good primer for somebody, like me, who knows next to nothing about artist Frida Kahlo but, overall, I thought it was a bad movie. It’s wonderfully shot, to the point where I actually want to track down more films by director Julie Taymor, but the script is embarrassingly banal. They clearly had a series of events that they wanted to put in the movie, but had no idea what to have the characters say to each other. There are moments of unintentional comedy. I actually wished this had been a silent film too. Also, while I enjoy Salma Hayek in most things she’s in, she is dreadfully miscast in this. She certainly looks the part, but you can image there were probably a dozen actresses, much more skilled, who would have been better and probably killed to be in the role. It feels like a wasted opportunity. But, again, I don’t blame Hayek for this, as she's naturally very charismatic and seems like a lovely person. It’s really the fault of whoever chose to cast her. Saying all that, due to the poor screenplay all the actors struggle, even the gorgeous Geoffrey Rush. So, yeah, I think I would recommend it, as it does have a lot of visual flare, but just try to close you ears whenever somebody starts to speak.
Golly, it’s been quite an educational week!
My neighbour downstairs has started listening to loud music a lot during the week again. I don’t mind when it’s at the weekend, as we all like a party, but when they’re doing it every day then it starts to get a bit much. I wonder whether she’s scored some new drugs or something. It’s not made my quarantining myself any easier, I must say. I’ll lodge an official complaint with the council next week. Or later on this afternoon.
Yes, she’s just started again.
Sigh.
Anyway, I don’t think I have much else to report, so I shall let you go for now.
Do stay in touch.
Toodles!
I’ve tried my best to keep away from booze while the side effects take hold, although I did have a mini-session on Monday. I felt slightly stranger than usual after a few beers, so I’m glad I kept it to a minimum. Well, a minimum for me. Since I’m feeling a little more clear-headed today, and because it’s Friday, I might have a session this evening. I’m still not feeling confident enough to go out, although I usually don’t at the weekends anyway. Maybe I’ll venture out after my doctor’s appointment on Wednesday. I still need to find myself a new regular drinking establishment after deciding that my usual place has been getting a bit racist. I have a couple of ideas.
Last night I finished the Great Causes audio lecture on Turning Points in Medieval History, which I’ve been listening to in bed off-and-on for a few months now. I was actually really sad when it was all over. I highly recommend it. The lecturer, Dorsey Armstrong, is very passionate, and has helped me generate a great deal of passion and interest in the subject matter. I will not only listen to this one again, but seek out further lectures by her. I’ve learnt more in these past few months than I ever did at school, I must say.
I’ve started watching the 1927 silent biopic about Napoleon. It’s about six hours long, so I’ve been waiting until I’ve been in the right mood. Since starting it, I’ve decided to treat it like a television miniseries that has multiple episodes, so I take a break for a day or so once I finish each act. It’s a very innovative film, for its time, therefore wonderful from a film appreciation perspective; however, it tends to lavish affection on its subject matter to a fault, treating Napoleon with almost Christ-like reverence. It’s alternately amusing and tiresome. I’ll let you know how I feel if I ever get to the end. Silent films are quite difficult for a visually impaired person to experience, so I sometimes get a little frustrated with how little information I am able to pick up. That’s not the film’s fault, of course, but it does mean that it’s taking me longer than necessary to get through it. Oh well.
Speaking of biopics, I also watched the 2002 film Frida the other day. Basically, I thought it was a good primer for somebody, like me, who knows next to nothing about artist Frida Kahlo but, overall, I thought it was a bad movie. It’s wonderfully shot, to the point where I actually want to track down more films by director Julie Taymor, but the script is embarrassingly banal. They clearly had a series of events that they wanted to put in the movie, but had no idea what to have the characters say to each other. There are moments of unintentional comedy. I actually wished this had been a silent film too. Also, while I enjoy Salma Hayek in most things she’s in, she is dreadfully miscast in this. She certainly looks the part, but you can image there were probably a dozen actresses, much more skilled, who would have been better and probably killed to be in the role. It feels like a wasted opportunity. But, again, I don’t blame Hayek for this, as she's naturally very charismatic and seems like a lovely person. It’s really the fault of whoever chose to cast her. Saying all that, due to the poor screenplay all the actors struggle, even the gorgeous Geoffrey Rush. So, yeah, I think I would recommend it, as it does have a lot of visual flare, but just try to close you ears whenever somebody starts to speak.
Golly, it’s been quite an educational week!
My neighbour downstairs has started listening to loud music a lot during the week again. I don’t mind when it’s at the weekend, as we all like a party, but when they’re doing it every day then it starts to get a bit much. I wonder whether she’s scored some new drugs or something. It’s not made my quarantining myself any easier, I must say. I’ll lodge an official complaint with the council next week. Or later on this afternoon.
Yes, she’s just started again.
Sigh.
Anyway, I don’t think I have much else to report, so I shall let you go for now.
Do stay in touch.
Toodles!
Friday, 10 January 2020
Crisis point
Well, I made it through the dreaded Christmas shutdown period. Just. It was pretty hard going for a while there. I did finally manage to swing my sleep pattern back around to normal, so today I woke up at a healthy 0700. Unfortunately, I did have to resort to heavy drinking, but that really does seem to be my only solution. Anyway, it worked.
The important thing about getting my healthier sleep pattern back is being able to get out and do stuff. Most importantly, this week I managed to get to my doctor, wherein it all came out. My tearful rant lasted about ten minutes. He seemed quite taken aback by my honesty, even thanking me for opening up to him. I’m not sure why, as that’s kinda what he’s there for. Maybe he’s had some trouble with his patients recently. Who knows. Well, to cut a long story short, he’s put me back on antidepressants and is going to arrange some counselling. I took the third tablet this morning, and already I’m getting the usual horrible side effects one gets when starting and ending antidepressants. It’s a change, though. Change is good.
Getting all that stuff off my chest did help, although it hasn’t cured me. I’ve been taking the last few days very slow. I’m treating myself to things I like as much as possible, as I know the next few weeks will be tough. After all, antidepressants do take about 4-6 weeks to take a positive effect. You really have to be patient which, to be honest, is a difficult thing to do when your emotions, and possibly your life, are hanging by a thread.
I also admitted to my doctor that I’d been drinking heavily. Being drunk has been the only time that I’ve felt happy and sane. It’s also when I feel like I have some control over my emotions. Even the hangovers. It’s like: “I did this. Me. It was MY choice for once”. Sigh. What a mess.
So, yeah, things are moving forward. I think. I’m currently waiting for the counsellor to call to make an appointment. Goodness knows when that’ll be. My doctor wants to see me in two weeks to check up on me. You can only usually make bookings about a month or so in advance, which is a pain, but he gave me a sort-of override code to take to reception. That was pretty cool. Fit me in, grrrl!
One of the immediate side effects of the tablets seems to be sleepiness. I don’t have a problem with this. So, amazingly enough, I went to bed last night at a sensible time and actually felt like falling asleep. It wasn’t the usual battle to attain unconsciousness. Very strange. I hope this continues.
I’m not quite sure what else to report at the moment, as everything is up in the air. I do feel a little more like being creative today, which is great. I actually played guitar for the first time in weeks, I’ve just put on a movie to watch, and I’m writing this. Who knows what other craaazy things might happen!
In other news, I’m thinking of changing the pub I usually go to, as some of the regulars have started getting a bit racist at the bar. The worst thing is, one of the bartenders won’t say anything. It’s a bit upsetting to hear. Some of them have also started being a bit standoffish with me. I don’t know whether it’s just my usual paranoia or what, but something definitely seems to have changed. I’ve been going there for a few years now, so I should be on better terms with people. But I’m not. I do get a bit upset when friendships with people don’t move forward, so perhaps it is just my usual reaction to this sort of situation. I don’t know. Well, anyway, I’m going to try somewhere else, maybe a place that’s a little more anonymous, where I don’t have to worry about fitting in. A shitty high street sorta establishment. We shall see.
Right, I better go.
Do stay in touch.
Toodles!
The important thing about getting my healthier sleep pattern back is being able to get out and do stuff. Most importantly, this week I managed to get to my doctor, wherein it all came out. My tearful rant lasted about ten minutes. He seemed quite taken aback by my honesty, even thanking me for opening up to him. I’m not sure why, as that’s kinda what he’s there for. Maybe he’s had some trouble with his patients recently. Who knows. Well, to cut a long story short, he’s put me back on antidepressants and is going to arrange some counselling. I took the third tablet this morning, and already I’m getting the usual horrible side effects one gets when starting and ending antidepressants. It’s a change, though. Change is good.
Getting all that stuff off my chest did help, although it hasn’t cured me. I’ve been taking the last few days very slow. I’m treating myself to things I like as much as possible, as I know the next few weeks will be tough. After all, antidepressants do take about 4-6 weeks to take a positive effect. You really have to be patient which, to be honest, is a difficult thing to do when your emotions, and possibly your life, are hanging by a thread.
I also admitted to my doctor that I’d been drinking heavily. Being drunk has been the only time that I’ve felt happy and sane. It’s also when I feel like I have some control over my emotions. Even the hangovers. It’s like: “I did this. Me. It was MY choice for once”. Sigh. What a mess.
So, yeah, things are moving forward. I think. I’m currently waiting for the counsellor to call to make an appointment. Goodness knows when that’ll be. My doctor wants to see me in two weeks to check up on me. You can only usually make bookings about a month or so in advance, which is a pain, but he gave me a sort-of override code to take to reception. That was pretty cool. Fit me in, grrrl!
One of the immediate side effects of the tablets seems to be sleepiness. I don’t have a problem with this. So, amazingly enough, I went to bed last night at a sensible time and actually felt like falling asleep. It wasn’t the usual battle to attain unconsciousness. Very strange. I hope this continues.
I’m not quite sure what else to report at the moment, as everything is up in the air. I do feel a little more like being creative today, which is great. I actually played guitar for the first time in weeks, I’ve just put on a movie to watch, and I’m writing this. Who knows what other craaazy things might happen!
In other news, I’m thinking of changing the pub I usually go to, as some of the regulars have started getting a bit racist at the bar. The worst thing is, one of the bartenders won’t say anything. It’s a bit upsetting to hear. Some of them have also started being a bit standoffish with me. I don’t know whether it’s just my usual paranoia or what, but something definitely seems to have changed. I’ve been going there for a few years now, so I should be on better terms with people. But I’m not. I do get a bit upset when friendships with people don’t move forward, so perhaps it is just my usual reaction to this sort of situation. I don’t know. Well, anyway, I’m going to try somewhere else, maybe a place that’s a little more anonymous, where I don’t have to worry about fitting in. A shitty high street sorta establishment. We shall see.
Right, I better go.
Do stay in touch.
Toodles!
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