A radioactive wasteland of b.s.

I’ve had a good night’s sleep, at last. It began in the usual hour-or-so chunks, but then escalated into a mega 8-hour orgy of unconsciousness. What a rare delight! I mean, this was after I gave up on the initial sleep attempt and sat watching movies for 7 hours, but whatever. That’s what it takes, folks.

Just missed a delivery from the post office, for which I received a card through the door. The card has little to no information on it to help me, just the creepy epitaph: “We have something for you!”. I now feel like I’m in a slasher movie. The card just goes on and on about how it’s their new and improved card that is apparently more helpful. Cough. I tried entering what I think is a code into their website, but it didn’t work. Sigh. I genuinely believe it’s socially irresponsible and misguided to assume that everyone has the internet nowadays, but that’s the way things are going. This is how dystopian stories about robot apocalypses usually begin.

Just feed us to the slaughter, corporate world. We are lambs to your grinding machine of bullshit.

My new neighbour is moving more stuff into the flat next door. I still haven’t met him yet, but his door was open when I checked to see whether that parcel had been left outside my door. I seemed to hear the dog from downstairs barking its usual incessant bark miles away last night, which was weird. Either its owner has finally been kicked out of the flat downstairs, or he’s just shacked up with some other poor woman and was staying over. He mistreats them, sadly, even shouting violent threats at one a few months ago. The police turned up, but “Barking Dog Man” is still, bafflingly, a free citizen.

Perhaps his antisocial behaviour and domestic abuses are being fed into an AI justice-bot that deems him innocent.

I’m so glad technology is now being used for the benefit of mankind.

I miss porn so much.

There’s a mild breeze in the air today, which is slightly cooling things down. I began to suffocate again later in the evening yesterday, but that eased off as I sat by my lounge window in the early hours. I watched RLM’s new Best of the Worst video, which was fun. My soul really needed some humour. It’s interesting that they were watching Cannon films, as I’ve started watching Cannon’s Missing in Action 2. OMG… we’re in the matrix!

Hmm, maybe not, as surely the food would be better.

Speaking of which, I think I’ll make pesto pasta for dinner later. You know, just to be fancy. I had turkey burgers yesterday, which were nice, although I’m not sure the brioche buns went well with them. I’ll probably just go back to the big, fat, white, seeded burger buns of yore.

Good times.

Not feeling terribly amorous today, but I may try having a wank before I go for my bath. My mind doesn’t seem to quite know what it’s into this week, so I’m workshopping a few fantasies around to see what, erm, sticks. Feel free to recommend any that work for you!

Right, I best go try that missed delivery code again, in the vague hope that it’ll finally be on their broken system.

SMASH THE SERVERS!

Do stay in touch, robot overlords.

Toodles! 

Missing in tedium

It’s been a couple of days now since I last drank, but a background sense of anxiety still persists. I’m plowing on with sobriety though, as I do need to sort some crap out. Even if you give up on the world, sadly the world doesn’t give up on you, stubbornly sending letters and emails and texts and ringing you.

It’s not easy being a depressed, disabled, alcoholic shut-in!

The hot weather persists too, much to my chagrin. I’m breathing a little easier today though, which makes a nice change. Plenty of chilled or quick to cook food arrived earlier, so I’ve got that to be getting on with. The delivery was late, but I didn’t even get a halfhearted apology. Oh well, I don’t get upset about such things. There were two delivery drivers, one of whom I believe was in training. He was a cute younger lad, who I really could have done with keeping for myself.

Maybe some day.

“Obnoxious Camp Guy” eventually got really drunk last night, with things degenerating into a very loose approximation of “karaoke”. It was as if he was reverting to animal form. Seriously. But, hey, we’ve all been there. Due to all this, he has been oddly quieter today. I wonder why.

The phone company has sent me a text about them posting another set of digital phone equipment for installation, even though they’ve already sent some out and comically asked me to send it back. I didn’t. The installation chap is turning up on Monday, so I’ll try getting him to return whichever one he wants back to his employer. I sure as shit ain’t going through the monumental arse-ache of doing it.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my collapsing mental health and what’s caused it, as preparation for ringing the local blind society for counselling. I’ve settled on it being a combination of my best friend/ex-girlfriend passing away a few years ago, therefore essentially leaving me alone in Sheffield, and my constantly deteriorating eyesight and general mental health problems. I’m just frightened of everything and everyone all the time, and I need some help with that. My doctor will just ram antidepressants down my throat and send me on pointless courses, which will have little to no useful affect.

I’ve been watching more cute YouTube videos to calm my soul. I don’t watch broadcast television anymore, due to my growing aversion to the English accent, so I try to stick to foreign channels on YT. You just know they’re not filled with hate and intolerance like English people.

I’ve just started watching Missing in Action 2: The Beginning, as research for a cultural review article over at The Whittling Post. Apparently it’s really the first movie, but they switched the two round when the studio saw how bad it was. They were worried it’d kill the public’s desire for a sequel. I’m not sure that that’s sound thinking, but whatever. I’ve decided to watch them in their intended order. I’m guessing it’s going to be Rambo II, only without the charisma of Sylvester Stallone.

Yikes.

I had a pretty poor night’s sleep last night, managing only about four hours in bite-sized chunks. I seem to be at the age now where I don’t need a solid eight, so I’m just getting on with things. I have managed two wanks today, which clears the cobwebs out of my troubled mind very nicely indeed.

I’ve had no contact with the outside world, apart from that anxiety-inducing text from the phone company.

Steady as she goes.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

As the sun goes down

Well, after dinner and a nap, I feel as though the bubble of depression inside me has finally popped, thus relieving some pressure. I’ve decided to do something about my recent woes, including contacting the local blind society to receive counselling. I believe they offer it to their disabled clients who are struggling with whatever it is that ails them. Their centre in town has something of a geriatric-vibe to it, but I think I’m ready for that now.

My world is so small these days, and I live in fear of everything and everyone around me. Perhaps the blind society can help empower me.

I was even beginning to freak out my friend “Lesbo Lisa” with my depressive texts, which isn’t a good sign. Being so vulnerable and not having any friends or family nearby is a struggle, especially when your neighbours appear to have formed a cabal of nosy intrusion. Am I being paranoid? I do not know. I can no longer tell what is real and what is imagined.

“Obnoxious Camp Guy” has been screaming at his television a lot this evening. He doesn’t seem to understand that it cannot hear him. But his poor neighbours can. Sigh. I only hope that nature brings autumn early this year. I really could do with the cold weather forcing people back inside to quietly mind their own business.

I had that Chinese entree by itself, as my low appetite means I probably couldn’t have coped with a rice accompaniment. And I love rice. Mountains of it. I may have some noodles with egg on top later. I’ve got a supermarket order coming tomorrow morning, so I’m trying to think of things to add to that.

Just whatever doesn’t generate too much heat, basically.

I’ve had a spike in views over at The Whittling Post. Not sure what that’s all about, but it seems to be easing off now. It’s been views of random posts from all over the world. I must say, it’s pretty grim when they only view one chapter of a serialised story, but that’s nothing new. I think someone did go through one of them in full once, but they never said anything. I really must have impressed them, huh?

I believe my comments are switched on, albeit moderated.

The humidity this evening means I’m struggling to breath again, which is not a nice experience. It’s like I’m drowning on dry land, but hey-ho. I’ve just had some more coffee to stop me passing out from heat stroke, which is rather worrying.

Right, I best waddle back over to my armchair and watch more MST3K. Joel and his beloved bots will keep me company, for sure.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Darkness in the brightest of times

Zero motivation. Zero caring. Zero anything.

Well, apart from party boxes of booze, which get me through the day.

Having morbid thoughts, which I can never go through with. I’m very squeamish, therefore self-harm attempts always fail. If only society would help those willing die peacefully, painlessly, and with a modicum of dignity.

What cruel people I am surrounded by.

There is so much noise outside, which only serves to increase my sense of loneliness. Everybody else seems to find it so easy, yet I fail every time. It’s not worth the tragic end that ultimately comes. I am to friendship what a bull is to a China shop.

I have a new neighbour, although I have not met him yet. The last guy moved out because of the barking dog below him that the council can no longer do anything about. I just hope this new tenant isn’t noisy, although it’ll be just my luck that he is.

He certainly doesn’t know how to close doors quietly.

The temperature has risen today, so that’s sapping my joy even further.

I only find pleasure nowadays in the privacy of my own head, in the form of my detailed erotic fantasies. Some of them are so detailed that I never actually get to the erotic part. The buildings and characters are so vivid that I often drift off to sleep before the centrepiece love making.

Oh well, at least they keep me busy.

Dinner today will be Chinese takeaway leftovers that’ve been in the freezer for a few weeks. I’ve actually had Chinese takeaways delivered since, forgetting about what I have stored. Don’t worry, I get by on my looks. I had egg and chips before I passed out last night, which was nice.

Currently watching old episodes of MST3K. The Joel years. They warm my heart.

Anyway, I best go read Final Exit and see what advice it can provide. I just want to be at peace.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

The desert of inactivity

Yet more heatwave misery to report. Fun, huh? It’s the opposite of the covid lockdown, which spoiled the fun of sociable people who enjoy going out a lot. Heatwaves stifle the fun of shy, awkward, lonely nerds with sedentary hobbies. I mean, the devices we use to while away the time with literally overheat and have to be shut down, spoiling our fun! There are high winds this morning, but they are treacherously misleading, as I just had to shut my console down after two races in GTA Online.

Oh the deepest of sighs!

The supermarket party boxes of white wine keep flowing, which helps drown out the sound of happy people outside having fun and enjoying what is making me so miserable. To give them some credit, the kids around here are actually pretty well behaved. It’s the adults who are troublesome and in need of a jolly good spanking. I’m tempted to buy one of those sonic antisocial behaviour deterrent things, only one tuned to the frequency of people in their 30s and 40s.

Why hot weather makes assholes even louder, I will never know.

I had a Chinese takeaway last night, as cooking is just not desirable in this weather. Yet another hobby ruined by the temperature! I enjoy cooking, especially boiling big pans of rice, but it’s no fun when you’re in danger of passing out in the middle of the kitchen mid-stir.

I’ve decided to hyphenate less and less, as I was going a bit overboard with it. I just started wanting all the-words-to-be-intimately-connected!

But, yes, I’ll cool off.

I’ve been down a lot of YouTube rabbitholes lately. They’re recommending a lot of cute videos that are putting a smile on my face. So few things do nowadays. Some videos are desperate and manipulative attempts to earn monetisation, but I dunno. Sometimes you just gotta take the honest with the exploitative. As I believe Werner Herzog once said: “The poet must never avert his eyes!”. Or something like that.

I guess I shouldn’t use quotation marks when I’m paraphrasing, but I can’t be arsed to go back two lines and delete them. See?! This is what the weather’s doing to me!

I might go brew another cafetière of coffee, lest I pass out from heat exhaustion. No wonder many hot countries have a coffee-based economy.

Urgh, I can hear “Obnoxious Camp Guy” shouting already. I’m sure he’s just having a casual conversation inside his home, but, for some annoying reason, I can hear and understand every word of it. I think he also sits outside his maisonette and plays with the local kids, which could be a concern. I’m not sure. Flamboyant, effeminate males can be potentially dangerous too, folks. Don’t let your guard down too much. There was a guy who lived over the way who used to use his dog as a prop to talk to the local kids, but I think somebody had a word with him, as I no longer hear him on his networking walks. As much as I disliked him, I don’t think he was really up to anything salacious, I just think he was an arrogant  idiot who didn’t know not to do stuff like that.

At least not in this day and age. And in the UK.

I got a strange text from my energy company yesterday. Apparently they are concerned (?!) that I haven’t topped-up my meter lately, so they are going to turn my power off and on for… a reason. Is it to punish me?! That doesn’t sound legal. I also got a text from the national power grid around the same time warning me of power outages. Fuck knows. I don’t know why energy companies feel the nedd to be so intrusive and threatening, but I’m guessing it has to do with profits, profits, and more profits.

We are no longer the customer. We are the product.

I have no grand plans for today, other than I wish to sober up. This may not last very long. If the neighbours start being noisy again, then I’ll probably spend most of my time with that white noise playlist booming in my ears as I attempt to masturbate myself to sleep.

We shall see.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

Panting

I don’t have a great deal to report this morning, as the weather has laid me out again. I’m drinking more and more coffee, just to ensure I don’t pass-out from heat exhaustion. Oh and I’m drinking more and more wine too, which generally just helps me forget where I am and what’s going on.

And one cannot get enough of that.

I made that vegetable curry yesterday, which was very nice indeed! I’m using microwave rice packets at the moment, so as to cut down on steam building up in the kitchen. There’s a large second portion of curry now stored in the freezer. I still have a load of nutritious veggies to use up, so I’ll try making a stir-fry w/ noodles later. I’ve got a whole bloody broccoli to get through, after all! I do fancy a sweaty burger from an unhygienic takeaway though, but I’ll leave that until I’m done with my fridge’s current contents.

I’m not even bothering to boot-up GTA Online today, as I’m sure it’ll overheat my console within minutes. Much simpler games are fine. Just whatever helps me listen to music for potential articles over at The Whittling Post. I’m still listening to a lot of foreign power-pop, as it puts a smile on my face and takes me away from this awful place I live.

I’m experiencing a spike in views from The People’s Republic of Other. Not sure where in the world Other is, but I’m sure it’s nice. Say hello, whomever you are! I post online for the old-fashioned reason of trying to make friends, even though the internet stopped being good for that some time ago.

Think I’ll now go put on my second pot of coffee and go for my bath. Shall try and squeeze a wank in there too. I’m more into women today, so shall workshop some fantasies around as I lie on my bed listening to a white noise track.

Gotta have goals, you know?

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!

A build-up of pressure

The temperature here continues its unpredictable ways. Well, I’m sure the Met Office is predicting it, but I’ve not been checking the weather forecast. Effort, you know? While it started off relatively cool yesterday, it ended up becoming stiflingly warm by bedtime, to the point where I felt like I was suffocating again. And not in a good way.

I rearranged my smart meter installation appointment, which would have been today, as I just couldn’t cope with tidying up my home in such temperatures. All I could do was sit there sipping wine and watching riff shows on YouTube. There’s the very real possibility that I may do the same today, although I’m not feeling too hungover, thus not in need of a “hair of the dog”.

Thankfully, “Lesbo Lisa” was working from home yesterday, so we were texting back-and-forth throughout the misery. The neighbours here weren’t being obnoxiously loud either, so that was an added bonus.

I’ve not watched anymore Bruce Lee movies, as I just seemed to lose the interest suddenly. Cyclothymia will do that to you. I’m in something of a hobby limbo at the moment, but I’m sure my ever-shifting mind will settle on something.

Eventually.

My nutritious vegetable supermarket order arrived, so I’m working my way through all of that. I nearly couldn’t stuff it all in the fridge! I’m cutting out dried snacks too, all of this being for the benefit of my poor bottom, which has been suffering due to my terrible dietary habits of late.

I might make a curry today, as veggies are quite volatile in terms of their use-by dates. It’ll either be a vegetable one or I might crack open a tin of Danish ham that I’ve started storing as a back-up. It’s certainly good with noodles, although I’m not sure how well it’ll pair with Indian-style cuisine.

My libido is as uncertain as the weather, with me managing two wanks yesterday morning, but nothing forthcoming today. I had some nice fantasies during the night, but nothing provocative enough to help me reach orgasm. I’ve still not done any more work on that new erotic short story, as my motivation to write prose has dropped of late. Perhaps it’ll return once things cool off a little.

I’m being attacked by negative thoughts this morning, with my depression reminding me of things that happened 25-years-ago which I can no longer change and which no longer affect me. Quite why my mind is torturing me in such a way, I do not know. I guess that’s just clinical depression for you.

I’ve done my usual casual morning gaming with a pot coffee. I only did two solo GTA Online races, lest my console overheat once again.

There’s been some movement on both my active blogs in terms of reader views. Nothing crazy, like last week when I randomly received about 20,000 views from all over the world. Not sure what that was all about, but it did surprise me. These new journal posts aren’t picking up much steam, but I’m sure that’s for the best. When a particular, and seemingly-random, post gets a sudden spike in views, I assume it’s because something on television has provoked people to search the web on the subject.

But who really knows what’s really going on in these confusing times of AI totalitarianism.

Well, I best go figure out what to do with the rest of the day. I might put in a same-day order for more booze, just in case the weather becomes insufferable again. After an attempt at a mind-cleansing wank, of course.

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!