The Collected Thoughts of a Bitter Old Drunk

Five days later and, somehow, I’ve managed to get over the loss of a mean mother I didn’t particularly like anyway. I genuinely believe there are poorly-paid waiting staff and hotel clerks, the world over, currently sighing with relief. I’ve paid tribute to Her Tyrannical Majesty by being drunk since Wednesday, which I’m sure the hypocritical old bag would not approve of. I’ve been pretty obnoxious to people by text too, but I did find myself inflicted with the paranoid delusion that I was being kept out of certain things I should not be kept out of. Judging by the rest of the world’s desire to avoid me, I doubt this belief was 100% unfounded.

My father made no attempts to contact me for 24 hours, which really started to bother me. I ended up just calling him, once I felt insufferably self-righteous after watching The Celluloid Closet for the 100th time. Father did defend himself with some flimsy excuse, which he peddled with great confidence, but confidence and stupidity tend to go hand-in-hand. This is a man who twice signed away his right to free citizenship because of his lack of employable skills, yet still proudly maintains, to this day, that he is a “self-made man”. I’d laugh if it wasn’t so sad. Oh well, he’s managed to shack up with a rich widow now anyway, which is lucky, as I’m guessing my father couldn’t find anyone willing to pay a human being to stand in the street acting as a bollard.

I’m curious to find out who my middle brother will latch onto next. He has no hobbies and barely any personality, so he’s been acting as mother’s gigolo for the past 20 years. They even saved money on their numerous holidays away together by only booking one room. Judge that how you will. He tried to latch onto me just after mother and father divorced, so I had a complete mental shutdown and moved out. It might be our cousin he chooses, but I’m guessing she’ll have the street-smarts to just tell him to get lost. He is nearly 50, after all.

At least I vaguely respect my sociopath eldest brother, as I know where I stand with him. He’s always been honest about who he is - a total bastard. Criminally so. We’re both the “black sheep” of the family, and are far too complicated for most to deal with. Ok… anyone. That doesn’t mean I want anything to do with him of course as, well, he is a total bastard.

I even failed to mention my family in the note I wrote the other week. You know, when I was seriously trying to end it all. They simply never occurred to me. Imagine the Bluth family from Arrested Development, only without the comedy. And, like the Bluth’s, my version should really be studied for somehow lasting this long on their wits alone. Ignorance is bliss, I suppose.

Anyway, that’s me being a resentful prick for the time being. I’m sure I have more in me, but the hour is getting late.

In other news, there has been some movement on that dating app, which is why it remains on my phone. There’s a cute Japanese guy living closer to town who seems genuinely interested. Goodness knows why. He was going to come over this week, but I then started counting the amount of things I needed to do in order to clean and tidy my hovel, so I moved the date back a bit. Apparently he’s into older gentlemen, going so far as to have a picture of himself posing with one in his gallery. This made me a little suspicious. Maybe he predicts that older guys will be suspicious, especially when I pretty younger thing shows them the slightest bit of interest. He’d be right too. Our initial concern, as a bald, overweight collective, would be that younger guys are going to charge money or something, so that picture is just his way of throwing something out there to relax people. Who knows. Well, I guess I will know in a couple of weeks. Perhaps I’ll get robbed.

As well as self-harming with alcohol, I’ve been spending the past week either watching Keith Floyd cooking shows or foreign films without the subtitles on. The world hated Keith Floyd too, probably because he had a lust for life and indulged his epicurean desires. Western society believes we should all be suffering, you know. I won’t point fingers at which religion, but it’s most of them. And, of course, I’m enjoying foreign films because I find it therapeutic to witness human beings interact without being able to understand the English bullshit spewing from their mouths.

Golly, I’m really getting into it tonight, aren’t I?!

I have no readers anyway, so fuck it.

Right, I best go attempt to shrug off the last of these horrid DTs. I believe I am over the hangover, but am still addicted to the alcohol itself. I’m hoping to be back to my new positive lifestyle (don’t laugh!) tomorrow. I’ve even booked a shopping order with plenty of one-pot meals to distract myself with by cooking. I’ve not been on the exercise bike since Tuesday either, which I’m sure is having a detrimental affect on my mood.

Can you tell?

Do stay in touch, darlings.

Toodles!