Death II

Well, mother has passed away. I suppose I’ve been expecting that text message for about 5 years now. She was a fighter though, even surviving a hospital admittance-worthy case of pneumonia recently, which my uncle sadly did not. I’m glad it’s over though, as I can’t imagine seeing her decline in such a way was easy for the family members who witnessed it. I just didn’t see the point in visiting. It sounded like she wasn’t there anymore.

It’s a shame we didn’t get on better. She always liked to be in charge and control everybody, and I like to be left alone with my independence. You can understand how two people so different need to be apart. She did try to visit me in the past 10 years, but I just couldn’t cope with the idea. She actually didn’t like being around people, so spending even 1 day together would have provided us both with nothing. I’d  have just been uncomfortable, and she’d be bossing me around and making comments about my weight.

So, yes, I’m experiencing very conflicting feelings this morning. I’m sad that my mother, who I of course loved and was once physically a part of, is no longer here, but she was never my favourite person. She was generally very cold and detached, treating her family like a mere annoyance. She couldn’t even bring herself to say “I love you” at the end of our phone conversations. That would have been too much emotion for her.

I’m not sure what to do for the rest of the day now. I best not do anything strenuous, lest I injure myself.

Perhaps I’ll cry at some point, but not right now.

I’m sure, wherever mother is now, she’ll be marching around on holiday, seeing the sights and being rude to the locals.

Bless.

Goodbye, mother. We weren’t compatible as mother and son, but we had some fun times while the family was still together.

I love you.