"Inception" review

Tired of waiting for somebody else to bring William Gibson’s Neuromancer to the big screen, Christopher Nolan has clearly turned frustration into creativity and written his own version of the story to make. However, with Inception, we aren’t dealing with the internet or the “matrix”, but with dreams. The idea is basically the same. Thieves try to break into dreams and people try to hide within them.

What I like about Inception is that it is what it is: a heist movie. It’s a tight, clean-cut sci-fi tinged thriller with no grand, reality shifting twist to second guess or new plane of amazement to attempt to wow audiences with in the final reel. All the film asks you to do is listen, concentrate and remember. If you don’t… then you’re lost.

I was surprised I enjoyed Leonardo DeCaprio for once. You completely forget you’re watching that annoying twit from Titanic and just get drawn into the world of his character. I also enjoyed the performances of 3rd Rock From The Sun’s Joseph Gordon-Levitt (now all grown up and sporting some very flattering sharp suits) and Tom Hardy (who’s throaty Brit accent is to die for and his line reading is wonderfully frank and fresh).

I was disappointed by Ellen Page, who I loved so dearly in Juno. Her purpose in this movie is to soak up exposition. She’s the “newbie” character who needs things explaining. In effect, she’s our insider, we watch her and hear what she asks in order to understand the world of Inception. Unfortunately she doesn’t fit the role very well and quite often gets vocal intonations wrong whilst delivering a string of dry feed lines for the other actors/characters to play off.

The role of Cillian Murphy could have done with a little more clarity and moral definition. As the pawn in a very confusing game he is neither good nor bad, however since so much in the narrative is rested on his character’s decisions then this ambiguity leads perilously close to letting go of the viewer’s attention towards the end.

In summary, I enjoyed Inception for the complex suspense/espionage thriller that it is. Unlike The Matrix, it won’t change your perception or make you want to discuss what is real and what isn’t. Inception is clear on that: what’s real is real, when it’s not real then you can tell by the people walking on the ceiling.

The right place, the right time, the wrong people

Well it looks like my girlfriend has found a friend to temporarily rent a room whilst I’m away. She’s not looking forward to being alone for six months so when this person mentioned that they were desperate for a place to stay after Christmas well, this is one inn-keeper who had a room available. Not that this friend is Mary Christ, but it is the season of charity and good will. They came by yesterday to check the room out and seemed pretty happy with it… so we shall see.

I’ve been having ups and downs with my reduction in medication. Fingers crossed I’m slowly but surely levelling out. My girlfriend is going through the same thing and she’s been having a rough time too. I’m glad we both understand each other.

My CRB check for college still hasn’t come through yet. If it’s not done by the 20th then my place on the course will be delayed. I’m not sure how I’ll feel about it. I’m sort of hoping it’ll be delayed till September so that I begin the year with the regular intake. It’ll be hard to fit in when/if I start in January. Sigh.

Yesterday we went for Christmas drinks at a friend’s house. She has lots of acquaintances in the medical profession so there were lots of loud posh people there fighting to speak. We started feeling awkward and slightly out of place so left early. I’m don’t feel guilty about it, I really was about to tell some people to shut up, lol.

I did some last minute present shopping yesterday. I think my girlfriend will be pleased with what I’ve got her. I’ve probably spent about £200, so if she isn’t, oh well, at least I know I’ve tried.

We’re going to a carol concert tonight and then a regular music gig in town. I’m not really in the mood for either and could do with them being cancelled. What with my medication reduction and all I’m just not in a socialising sorta place right now.

I’ve watched that new Star Trek film on dvd a couple of times now (after seeing it first in the cinema) and I’m really starting to like it more and more. It is a bit cheesy, but on repeated viewings you do get over it and just enjoy the fun and novel filmmaking employed by J J Abrams.

I’ll report back on tonight’s events. Gawd I hope we don’t end up going.

Snowmen, firemen and little green men

Well the snow’s finally melted away, although there’s talk of more on the way. The news has been full of all sorts of panic mongering lately regarding the weather and local council financial cuts. They do like to scare people. I’m sure things won’t be as bad as they say, so I’m thinking positive.

I’ve bought most of my girlfriend’s Christmas presents and spent nearly £200 in the process. I hope she likes what I’ve gotten her. I’m looking forward to seeing what she’s got me.

I start college in January, although that might be delayed if the results of my (clean!!) CRB check don’t come back in time. My place will have to be deferred until September, I guess. Which will be a mountain’s worth of shite.

I’ve gone down a dosage on my antidepressants. I was starting to worry that they were effecting my creativity. After a week of being on only one pill a day I’ve found myself thinking more about my stories. Coincidence? Who knows.

My girlfriend is working a lot and still overloading herself with things to do. We don’t see a great deal of each other these days outside of the usual evenings after work.

We visited her aunt at the weekend and spent most of the evening there. I didn’t say much as I think the lower dosage of medication was messing with my head a bit. Hopefully it’ll level out eventually. We also went to Wentworth garden centre and got pushed around by grumpy pensioners buying tat and had an okish Christmas dinner.

We keep saying to each other that we love spending time together, but for some reason my girlfriend keeps making arrangements that don’t involve us being together. I’m really starting to feel redundant and isolated. Maybe it’s just the pills again.

I’ve bought the third Predator film and the two Aliens vs Predator films on dvd so I can have a marathon of all three franchises. I’m not sure when this’ll take place, maybe when I go away to college. But basically I need a good eighteen hours free. Oh gosh, I just realised how long that was. Shit. I thought it was nine films = nine hours. But it’s not. Hmmm. How about six in the morning to midnight. That’s about eighteen hours. I’ll have to rethink this.

Can you see how I prioritise my life? I have a very weird view on what’s really important. Well, maybe not weird… misguided. Yes, that sounds better.

We had some firemen visit us yesterday to do a Health & Safety check of the house. They were very friendly and I made lots of fire-based jokes which typically fell flat. Oh well. This visit has led to my girlfriend booking some plasterers to come and redecorate the ceiling in the kitchen… so on Friday I’ll be babysitting alpha-males with ladders, oh joy. I hate sitting around waiting for workmen. I’m turning into a disgruntled housewife.

Righty, need to take a wander to Tesco and buy some toiletries. Fun, fun, fun.

Bastards, butchers and bums: Hard Target

Last night I dusted of this Jean-Claude Van Damme starring Hollywood debut from renowned action director John Woo. I was terribly worried that I’d be embarrassed by my consistent assertion over the years that it’s still the only decent film that Woo has made in America. I wasn’t really in the mood to back track and spend time re-evaluating things, but realised I might have to.

Thankfully I was pleasantly surprised at how enjoyable and well crafted the film still felt.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s a very silly film, but everybody involved in it seems to be trying their hardest to make it better than perhaps it’s budget would have allowed it to be. That’s not to say everybody takes the experience too seriously, as there’s a lot of lightness and fun in the right places, but some elements to the film are better than you would expect them to be.

Whilst Van Damme is reliably stone faced and intense as loner Chance Boudreaux his support cast really do shine and bolster the heart and soul of the action. A surprise standout is South African Arnold Vosloo (later to turn up in the Mummy series) who’s menacing demeanour is counterbalanced nicely by his cheeky bad-boy asides (not to the camera though, thank goodness). His performance is very natural and human, rather than two-dimensional and one-note.

Also on board is cinematographer Russell Carpenter who went on to lens James Cameron’s True Lies and Titanic… and you can tell that Hard Target must have helped him to get those valuable assignments. His lush oranges and blues are all in check and the waxy tone to his pallet is very rich and an interesting texture. He seems to have learnt a few things from the great Freddie Francis.

Most importantly, though, this isn’t a film that meanders. It could possibly be compared to the Liam Neeson kidnap thriller Taken for it’s tight construction. There isn’t a second wasted in Hard Target. Yes there are plot, character and emotional development scenes, but they don’t outstay their welcome or slow the pace. They are all key moments and aren’t cast aside as perfunctory. They all lay the foundations for the adventures to come.

So, why “bastards, butchers and bums”? Well, it suddenly occurred to me afterwards at how poorly men, as a gender, seem to be represented in the film. Hard Target shows a world full of destitute ex-soldiers living a rough and desperate existence, callous pornographers taking advantage on the vulnerable, malevolent and murderous businessmen who hunt for sport and crooked doctors who conceal and tamper with evidence for their own gain. Even random men in the street are unhelpful and refuse to provide sanctuary to characters being hunted to their deaths. I suppose Hart Target could be watched as a double-bill along with Once Upon A Time In America, a film thought to be let down by many critics as only portraying women as either “saints or whores”.

The balance seems to be lost in both films.

The decision maker? I’m not sure!

Well it’s been snowing, which is very odd indeed for this time of year. Luckily we bought some ice grippers a few weeks ago to put on our shoes so we’re safe walking about in it.

My girlfriend’s not been well for the last few days, I think she has what I had a week or so ago. Not nice. Flu symptoms with vomiting. Yum.

With sickness and the weather we’ve both kept a low profile this weekend and stayed indoors most of the time.

I did some research yesterday into time philosophy and ended up looking into Buddhism. The religion kept popping up in other things I was looking at so I’ve decided to look into the existential theories of it.

We shall see.

We’ve had trouble with our housemate as they’ve claimed to have moved out but isn’t giving us a forwarding address because I think they’ve committing benefit fraud and doesn’t want to let the DWP know they’ve moved.

Let’s just say they’ve found out another way.

I’m not feeling particularly creative recently, although I’ve had a surge of interest in science fiction. I’ve just finished watching the two Matrix sequels and am still not sure whether I like them or not.

I need a change of scenery, methinks.

Oh well.

Christmas is coming and I haven’t bought a thing. We had a night of seasonal music the other day as a preview of what’s to come next month. I got quite into it. I do love the Andrew Sisters’ Christmas record. Classic.

Might go to bed soon, but I’m not sure.

Should stick on another film, but I’m not sure what to watch. Any suggestions?

Right, decision time...

Live coverage, college and healthy foliage

So… what’s been going on?

Well, the open mic was fun but, judging by the pictures and recordings of the event, we sounded and looked terrible. Oh well, it’s all good practice and experience.

I went away for my college assessment and absolutely loved it. I’ve not felt so excited in months. I had lots of interviews to sit through in an attempt to impress people (although I don’t think I needed to) so by the end of the two days I was knackered. A few days later I got a call telling me I’d been successful and yesterday I received the confirmation by post. So… yay!! I’ll be going away for six months to do Music Technology. Joy. I’ll hate being away from my girlfriend but I need to have some direction in life and get some support with my ever decreasing eyesight.

So basically I’ve got a month and a half of sitting on my bum doing pretty much nothing. It’ll be the same as what I’ve been doing for the past two years, but this time I’ll know it’s ok as there will be something productive and educational at the end of it.

Fears? Well my girlfriend has been making lots of friends recently (in preparation for me going to college? I’m not sure) and I’m starting to feel a little redundant. I hope she’s not slipping away from me. We spend so little time together now and she has so many interests outside of our relationship that I’m not sure she needs me anymore.

We shall see, I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about.

I’m trying to eat a little healthier and have started making a grated carrot, diced apple and beetroot and tuna, erm, “shmush”, which is proper tasty and my body seems to like the goodness contained within.

I’m feeling a little despondent about music at the moment… which isn’t good when you consider I’m about to go on a music course. I just think my tastes are in transition. I need to gut my iPod and put some “new” stuff on there. I’m getting into Rufus Wainwright’s first album, which is weird. I don’t know why I’m liking it so much, I guess I’m just finally warming to it’s upbeat and innocent piano antics.

I’ve written a few new songs, which feel good. I might try recording this week.

Right, onwards and upwards!!

Chilled

Well I’m feeling a little better today. I stuck to staying in bed last night and managed to drift off in the end. I’ve started to wonder whether my sleeplessness is down to just having the same things on my iPod for too long, so last night and this morning I’ve begun adding new songs.

I took some more Night Nurse capsules last night and they seemed to space me out quite nicely. My girlfriend says she’s on her period again so I think that’s why she’s been acting a bit funny recently. I was worried it was just my lack of medication.

I’ve got to fill out an application form before I go away for my college assessment. I’m still not sure whether I want to go or not. Things are so up in there air here in Sheffield that I’m thinking that maybe it would be a good idea to get away for a while… before things come crashing down again.

I’m glad the autumn weather has set in. There’s something so comforting about the cold. I hope it doesn’t snow though, I’m not a big fan of that extreme.

We’re still rehearsing for the open mic session in a couple of weeks. I think I’ve narrowed the list of songs down. My girlfriend is working a lot of nights this week so I’m worried we won’t get enough practice in. At this rate it might just be me signing. Sorry, Sheffield.

I fancy a kebab, anybody got one?

Down down down

I’ve not been sleeping properly for the past few days. I’ve not been up to date with my anti-depressant medication so I am concerned this is the reason I’m having difficult sleeping patterns. My mood is lowering and I’m finding it hard to cope with things again. I took some Night Nurse capsules last night before bed in the hope that they would make me drowsy enough to sleep. I’ve got some things in the post this morning which are hard to get to grips with. I really feel awful and feel like crying. I’m not sure how to cope and there’s nobody to call. My girlfriend won’t be home till about 10pm tonight as she’s working all day. I feel rotten. Really empty and worried.

Cheaper than the real thing

I almost ran out of medication last week so I started taking a reduced dosage to eek them out. Now I’ve completely ran out and starting to feel a bit low. I’ve called the surgery and a doctor’s going to ring me back to sort out a prescription. I hope things work out.

My girlfriend and I are negotiating a time slot for an open mic gig in the centre of town in a couple of weeks. She has to work in the morning so we won’t get there till sort of mid afternoon. We’re trying to rehearse as we need to. Fingers crossed we’re tight by the time the date swings around.

Last week we went to Scarborough on holiday. It was fairly uneventful but that’s just what we both needed. There was some tension before we left over home security, but once we got on the road we forgot about it. I bought some vinyl records and a model replica of a Gibson ES-335 which is just beautiful. It’s only little, but I do like looking at it.

Cheaper than the real thing, anyway.

We might go back to Scarborough within a year as we really like going. I just wish my girlfriend got used to winding down as she gets so stressed when she has a few days off.

I’ve put on a little weight again due to illness and holidays, but I’m hoping to be back on track with my daily exercises. We shall see.

I’ve tried writing lyrics for three new songs and need to go over them again today to see if they are any good. I’m a bit frightened. They’re probably crap, but then again the songs I’ve poured over for years seem crap to me now, so go figure.

My girlfriend is at the dentist and will probably be back soon. I’m waiting for my medication call back. The pets seem ok, I think they’re glad to be home after being looked at by friends while we were on holiday.

Right, must crack on.

Just pillow talk?

I got a little upset last night as my girlfriend spent most of the evening making comments about me not loving her anymore and wanting to find someone else. She hid them in a cartoon delivery that wasn’t meant to be taken seriously, but it still upset me. Later on in bed she said that I wasn’t as affectionate as I used to be, or as loving and that she is only an “auxiliary” girlfriend to me, that I’m going out with her out of desperation or something.

If that’s how she views our relationship then I’m very hurt. We’ve had discussions like that in bed before and it’s upset me but she’s never seemed to take responsibility for the hurt she’s caused. Almost as if it’s ok to have such confrontational and argumentative chats.

I’m not sure whether to let it go or not. It seemed very cruel.

I had a call yesterday from college giving me a date for my assessment, so I’ll spend a couple of days there in November by the sounds of it. I also tried getting my CV changed with the job advice place to help me get this call-centre job that sounds like something I can do.

It looks like I’m facing a dilemma but the first few paragraphs of this post seem to make the outcome pretty clear.

I’ll see how the next week/month goes.

Stillness. It’s quite eerie.

I went to the debt advice guy yesterday and he gave me more help and support. He seems to understand that the reason I’ve got into this mess is because of my tendency to procrastinate and hide from my problems due to depression. He’s very good at just getting things moving. I always walk away feeling positive and supported. I don’t feel helpless, I don’t feel alone.

I also had my first appointment for counselling yesterday but it got cancelled at the last minute. I wish I could have gone, I think it’s getting to the stage again where I need to talk things through with somebody.

We washed the pets yesterday, which was fun. The guinea pig and rabbit seemed to enjoy themselves and are a bit happier now that they’re looking all shiny and pampered. The rabbit especially liked it… but then again she is a bit of a tart, lol.

My girlfriend went out to the theatre last night with a friend and I stayed in watching Wes Anderson films. I was a bit let down by Rushmore, but I’ll watch it again just to make sure. The Darjeeling Limited is just a joy, I highly recommend it.

My girlfriend is making great efforts to stay in touch with friends and go out more with them, my only concern is that this might be at the detriment of our relationship. I like spending time with my girlfriend and want to do things with her, but every time we plan to go out she cancels at the last minute. This means we get to have lots of good “quiet time” at home together, but I’d still like to get out. I tend to get cabin fever fairly easy. It doesn’t help that she’s at work all day and I’m at home, so when we do finally meet up in the evening and at weekends we sort of want different things. I want to get out and she wants to veg on the sofa.

I’ve been thinking about writing again and have been combining old ideas together that have been floating around in my head for years. They’ve never really got to the page because they’ve never had the fuel in them to push them down to my fingertips… but hopefully now that they’ve all become part of a bigger story I’ll get writing.

I’m starting to feel less confident about myself and I’m not sure the anti-depressants are working quite as well as they were. I’m feeling quite isolated again and lethargic. I wonder what’s happening in my mind. Maybe I just need a holiday.

I don’t know if my girlfriend and I are drifting apart or not. I just think we want too much of the same thing at the moment: to make friends and move our lives forward. The problem is that these things don’t always involve spending much adventurous time together. I do keep making suggestions for going out and doing things, though, so at least I make the effort. I just think sometimes my girlfriend pushes certain ideas and projects too far too quickly and burns herself out. This might happen with the thing with her friends. I try to remind her of my theory of the “lost childhood friend” which involves the notion that as adults we’re all looking for friends who can give up as much time for us as our childhood friends. But when we’re older we have more commitments and want to spend more time by ourselves. We will never have friends like the ones we had when we were children who had nothing but time for us. The only way we can recapture this amount of attention is with a partner, which I’m happy with. It’s just my girlfriend seems intent on going elsewhere for this. Maybe it will change, I don’t know.

Sometimes I think I sound like a pretentious idiot and wonder if she gets tired of my voice. I try to keep some things in my head but she always asks for my thoughts and advice. I hear myself talking and find my words ridiculous and wonder why she doesn’t roll her eyes every time I speak. I am a bit of a twat, I’ll grant you that.

Anyway, I must make some calls…

Doom?

What a waste of a weekend.

The weather was bad so it was more of a temptation to stay in. We ate mostly takeaways each day and only left the house to go to the local shop.

We had an argument yesterday over my girlfriend’s anxiety about going away on holiday and her getting into an awkward situation with our housemate whilst negotiating the housemate looking after the house for a week.

Ridiculous.

More trouble has been caused and I feel more stressed.

I ended up going out for a walk last night and buying a Chinese takeaway to clear the air and cheer us both up. The mood hardly changed though. I sometimes wonder why I bother to do nice things.

I told my girlfriend that I don’t want her to cause problems with our housemate again like last year because that’s why I left in December… because she couldn’t handle her and I was stuck watching her being manipulated and harassed but unable to do anything about it due to the house ownership situation.

I hope I get my college placement as I am worried things will ditereate around here fairly soon. I’m glad I’m staying off the booze, but my temptation is up. I just need to keep eating to treat myself.

I am worried that this week will be a nightmare and we’ll end up cancelling the holiday. If that happens then I think I’ll admit defeat and go away to college and say my goodbyes.

I can’t live under this oppression forever.

I wish I felt more inspired in life. At the moment I just don’t feel much like doing anything at all. I should write more songs and stories, but I just don’t feel moved to. I need to get exercise as I’m fast putting on weight again.

I hope I don’t end up dreading weekends as that seems to be the time my girlfriend stressed out the most. She can’t seem to handle time off, even in the evenings. Most people are happy to leave work and get home so that they can chill out, but she seems to fall into a pit of despair and misery.

Maybe things will get better once the autumn and winter sets in… maybe they’ll get worse.

Who knows.

Ears, careers and weather fears

It’s raining today, pretty hard, so I’m not looking forward to going out in it.

My girlfriend has a job interview today so I’ve got my supportive hat on. I hope she gets it, she deserves something new.

My ear is finally unblocking, which is a relief. It really was affecting my mind and making me bad tempered. Thank goodness I can start thinking straight.

As much as I can normally, that is.

I’ve been procrastinating a bit lately due to ill health. I’ve been putting things off when really I shouldn’t. But it’s hard when you just feel like crap constantly.

The handyman is in putting locks on the bedroom doors for when we go away. We don’t want our housemate rummaging through our stuff… and we know she does and will

I’m getting a little further with applying to go to college through the job centre but I’m still not 100% sure I want to go. It’ll mean being away from my girlfriend for a long time and I’m not convinced either of us want to go through that again. A local support agency have found me an interesting job and are helping me apply. I’m keeping quiet about it at home until I hear something firm about it though.

You never know.

My girlfriend will be coming home soon to get ready for her interview. With any luck the handyman will have finished by the time she’s ready to go so we can go into town together and I can be there for her.

I wonder how the day will turn out.

The big block

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!

Yes folks, my right ear has been blocked for almost three days now.

I’m not enjoying one second of it.

I can divert attention away from it if I listen to music/radio on my laptop with the balance shifted so it feels it’s not blocked, but beyond that I’m in quite an irritated state.

I went into town today for an appointment but had to cut the window shopping short afterwards as the ear thing was making me feel disorientated and wobbly.

I came home to find the fridge stocked as my girlfriend had popped home for lunch… but just missed me.

She might take tomorrow off so we’ll try and get out and do something together, which will be nice.

I’m currently listening to Steve Lamacq on 6 Music and sending in emails trying to join in.

I’m such a geek.

The weather has turned, which warms my heart, so I’m finding it easier to move around town without the extreme changes in light conditions.

Fingers crossed my ear clears up soon.

Shall hopefully post more once I feel less agitated and my mind is clearer… but right now I’m all cloudy.

Interior indecisions and outdoor pursuits

I’ve had a bit of a wasted week this week, mainly due to recovering from flu and suffering a low after missing a few days worth of anti-depressants.

I think Wednesday and Thursday I didn’t leave the house at all and come Friday I was feeling a little agoraphobic. I managed to get my butt moving anyway and had a nice afternoon in town.

I decided to buy my girlfriend some gifts and a card just to say that I love her as she’s felt a little down and lonely lately. She automatically got suspicious of me buying random gifts and now thinks I’m having an affair, lol.

Serves me right for being generous.

I think my mood is lifting again as my trip to town was fairly stress free and I was quite chatty and forthcoming with people in shops, rather than like last week when I was skulking around being a paranoid mess.

We were going to go and see Metropolis at the Showroom cinema but my girlfriend wasn’t feeling up to it and the weather was a bit crap… so we stayed in and had a takeaway, yay!!

I’m not sure what the plan is for this weekend, but I’m hoping we’re just going to take it easy. I have some personal admin to do, so I mustn’t procrastinate with that any more than I have done.

I’m glad I’m feeling like going out and doing stuff. It helps that the temperature has dropped so it won’t be too physically draining and hard getting about.

My girlfriend is still in bed as of 1130 this Saturday morning, so I think the pace of today will be relaxed.

We shall see…

Guitars, bars and emotional scars

Haven’t written here in a while, not sure why. Maybe it’s because the forum has become busy again and I’m posting there. Sorry. Not that anybody reads this anyway.

So what have I been up to?

Oh yes, I’ve managed to sell 4 guitars. There was a free listings day on eBay so I stuck them on at the last minute. I ended up getting more that I would have done at a guitar shop.

I hand delivered the Starcaster in London as I couldn’t figure out how to send it safely. I went for a few drinks whilst down there and ended up getting very drunk indeed. I had hoped to meet up with some old friends, but they either weren’t available or had moved on. I was in a state when I got home but I’m guessing it was a one off. I just had so say “goodbye” or “fuck you” to London… I didn’t do it properly two years ago.

My girlfriend is trying to be more constructive with her life but I find putting my own plans on hold as she makes hers and then cancels them a bit exhausting.

I’ve been recording music but am feeling a little low about it. I need to re-record vocals, record makeshift percussion and then go through each song one-by-one and record lead guitar parts.

We’re going on holiday soon, so I’m looking forward to that.

I went to the hospital today to see a specialist about getting a circumcision. With any luck it will increase sensation whilst having sex with my girlfriend, also make toilet duties a little less messy.

I’m feeling a bit crap this afternoon, I should have stayed in town. Then again I did have some calls to make. Not sure what we’re having for dinner, maybe nut cutlets.

We went to Hartlepool with a friend last week and had an interesting day out. Hartlepool is crap, but it was nice just to get away and spend some quiet time with my girlfriend.

I think I caught the flu last week and it destroyed my voice and lowered my mood. I missed some anti-depressants and I think that’s had a negative effect on me.

The pets are still going, but they’re a bit quiet at the moment. I keep hand feeding the guinea pig, he’s so cute. The rabbit likes to feed herself.

Well, I’ll try and post a little more regularly.

Big love!!

A bit bummed and beans

How do I feel? Not sure. Bit bummed about selling my guitars as even having knocked down their worth for a shop sale they’ve come back to me with even lower prices. Oh well. I sort of expected that, but it’s still a bit depressing. Not sure what the next move is. Stupidly I didn’t mention some of the guitars’ problems up front, so if I mention them now I might get knocked down even further. I’m such a nonce.

Yesterday I bought tickets to see The Like at the Sheffield Plug venue. I had to ask them for directions on Twitter because I couldn’t read the map on the venue’s wall, eek!! I even took out my magnifier, but it was no good.

I started a job application at the employment advice place, I’m starting to feel a little more comfortable about going there after the first attempt felt awkward.

My brother is visiting my dad so I texted him to remind my dad to post my microphone up. I think it is now officially on the way… but you never know. I hope I can start recording soon before it’s too late.

I hate getting these ups and downs. One minute I feel like everything’s going right, the next I’m spiralling into negativity and despair. I wouldn’t mind some stability.

My girlfriend has picked some beans that she’s grown fresh from the garden so I think we’re having that for dinner tonight. It’s hardly a holiday in the tropics, but being a little more self sufficient does cheer you up.

I’m not sure what to do today. I need to get some washing done and look at an application form for a kitchen assistant job. Maybe I’ll go for a walk later but generally stay housebound.

We shall see.

Sex, drugs and coriander

I’m trying to remember what we did at the weekend, but my mind’s drawing a blank.

Ummm.

Oh yeah, we went to Rotherham and Barnsley on Saturday, although it was a little too humid again to enjoy. Rotherham was nicer than I’d expected and it has a great indoor market that I would like to go back to. An old man was trying to bargain at a charity stall but the woman serving him was clearly fed up with, what I’m assuming, wasn’t his first visit and got quite short tempered with him. There was an Asian food stall where women were buying great big bouquets of coriander. Not just those sad, tiny pots we pay a fortune for in the supermarket… just proper great bunches of leaves. Obviously the not-so-secret ingredient in Asian/Indian cooking.

Yesterday I went for my weekly job search. The guy was really nice and we had a little chat. He perhaps told me a little too much about his personal life and I felt a bit awkward.

In town I think somebody was doing drugs in the toilet stall next to mine because I heard the rustling of tin foil and then him flicking his lighter to “cook” something. He kept singing and talking to himself, so he must have been happy about something. I zipped up fast and made a quick exit.

On the way through town as I was passing a pub I heard two old geezer smokers outside talking. One said to the other: “if I’m gonna do a robbery I’m gonna do it so that I can retire, I ain’t going to prison”. Maybe talk about that indoors, guys, not on the street where everybody can hear you. I’m sure it was just drunk talk, they looked pretty leathered.

I’m off to town today so I hope it’s just a little cooler than it was yesterday.

I’m not the sort that flourishes in humidity.

Cash flow, but no flowing cash

Monday I had to sign on, which was a joy as always then I had a haircut and on the way home I picked up a load of frozen meat-free products from Tesco so my girlfriend can focus on her diet. In the afternoon we cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, yuk, but at least it’s out of the way.

Yesterday I went to a disability recruitment advice place in Sheffield and registered. I had a long chat with the bloke setting up my profile and he seemed pretty cool. It’s nice having a moan to someone now and then.

Today I’ve been to the advice centre again to talk about my finances. The guy was really pro-active and just got on with things. We went through a lot and made loads of calls. He outlined the worse case scenario for each problem, which helped my anxiety. I almost gave him a hug at the end.

I’ve emailed a guitar shop in Leeds to inquire if they’d be interested in buying some of my guitars. They replied stating that they’d be interested but they’d like photos and an idea of pricing first. I’ll crack on with that ASAP.

I’m trying to not orgasm when I masturbate at the moment so that I save myself for when I’m with my girlfriend. It’s quite difficult but I’m getting the hang of it. My sex drive has definitely gone up and it’s making me a little more sociable, I think ejaculating too much makes me lethargic and a try a little less.

This morning we went swimming which was nice. We didn’t stay in long though as my girlfriend got quite tired. They’ve adapted the changing rooms so that now they’re just one big unisex one, so I couldn’t perv on blokes as I changed, lol. Oh well, it will probably do me some good.

Last night our housemate took another overdose and an ambulance turned up to take her to the hospital. We’re being careful not to fuss over her too much as I think this all just attention seeking on her part. She just wants somebody to take over her life for her, but we’re not prepared to do that. She’ll just have to grow up instead.

A taste of history and fear of tomorrow

The vintage clothes fair we went to yesterday was nothing more than a charity shop we had to pay to get into. Full of student types getting excited at shiny things. Afterwards we went to the Kelham Island Museum and had a lovely look round. I think it was an open day there and they had lots of retro street performers entertaining the visitors. Loved it.

After the museum we went to a pub close by and I had my first drink since February. Just a couple of halves of cider. I kept wanting to go to more pubs afterwards but thankfully we didn’t and I had some low alcohol shandy when we got in, so that helped me “come down” after the cider. I’ll stick to energy drinks, for sure.

In the evening we had a Chinese takeaway which went down a treat.

I think the booze earlier on made us have a heavy sleep as we didn’t get up today until about eleven, then still didn’t get dressed until after one in the afternoon.

I’ve been Twittering all afternoon and having mini-conversations with the comics I am following. They seem like nice people and it’s always fun to chip in with the odd gag. I hope the don’t get sick of me… I’ve just felt sociable today, that’s all.

More stuff has gone missing from the food cupboard so the list we’re going to present to our housemate is getting longer. That’ll be a fun bit of confrontation, eek!

I’ve got lots of appointments this week, I wonder how it will all go. I hope I get to Friday in one piece. I might make sure I go to the doctor too as I’m concerned that the next few months are going to be very stressful. I hope I can hold on to hope and not get too morbid.

Finding reason, finding time

I had an appointment yesterday for some free legal advice about my house and other problems. We chatted for about an hour and made lots of calls. I think I have until Wednesday to hand in the voluntary repossession form otherwise legal proceedings will begin. I’m not sure whether to send it by post or hand it in at the local lender branch. The person I spoke to was meant to call me back yesterday afternoon but she never did, so I’m getting a little anxious about that. We covered a lot of issues.

My girlfriend was working somewhere different yesterday so I went and met her at closing time so we could both walk home together. It was really humid and sticky and seemed to take us forever. It wasn’t the best conditions in which to start an exercise routine. I hope it hasn’t put her off. It’s nice walking her home, I do love her company so much, we have a good giggle together.

Today we are going to town for a vintage crafts fair or something at The Circle venue in Sheffield. I like vintage stuff so I’m hoping even I will find an interest in it. We might go to the Hillsborough Park fair thingy on the way home but it will probably be mega busy so we might not bother.

I’m debating whether to send that form off this morning before the post gets collected or just to wait until those legal advice people call me back on Monday. It will be cutting it fine and I’ll be worrying all weekend if I don’t. Urgh, I hate this. What a mess!!

I have been posting on a forum for seven years and this weekend they are having a meet-up in London. It’s meant to celebrate the tenth anniversary of the forum but officially that will be in February. I would have liked to have gone but I have lots planned with my girlfriend for the next few days. Shame. Then again I’m not sure I’d want to travel all the way down from Sheffield to London just to get pissed for a few hours when I’m trying to stay sober.

I’m best off staying North.

Masturbation and me

Ever since I knew how I’ve masturbated regularly, sometimes twice a day (breakfast wank, after dinner wank) and on lazy days and weekends up to five times a day. It’s just become part of my routine and, as I’m sure it does with other people, helps me to relax and chill out.

Since I’ve been in a relationship (after 27 years of being single) I’ve tried my hardest to stop masturbating and save my urges and, erm, load for intimate acts with my partner. So far I have failed. I just don’t know how to function on a day to day basis without my regular acts of self gratification.

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve decided to stop, just to see what happens.

I think I understand now where the alpha male in our society comes from… not wanking enough. A few days without ejaculating seems to make me impatient, fidgety, forgetful, more impulsive and definitely more demanding sexually.

I’ve finally had a wank this morning to see what the change is and, well, this whole desire to share and talk about my experiences shows that I definitely seem to be more creative and contemplative after sex.

I think I’ll keep up the no wanking policy as I like how it’s made me a bit more impulsive in bed and will probably remove the need to wank anyway as I certainly become a bit more interested in self gratification and not so self conscious when being intimate.

How do you balance out masturbation and sex with a partner?

Cracks in the machine

Yesterday Sheffield felt like a tropical rainforest. It was very warm and damp culminating in a horrid, sticky humidity. I had to go into town for an appointment and had to drag myself home through the fog of heat. When I got home I had a shower and sat outside for ages trying to cool down.

In the evening I decided to make a chilli, which seemed like a strange idea considering how hot it was, but I got that itch to cook. I made enough for a plate last night, a small bowl for today and three bowls to go in the freezer. They hadn’t quite frozen by this morning but I put that down to me stacking them in the freezer drawer and accidentally insulating them. Silly boy!!

We woke up today to the smell of cigarette smoke in our room and wondered if the crack in the bedroom wall was starting to pump our housemates fag air through. My girlfriend has rang a handyman to get him to look at it. He’s very nice and reliable so we hope he can help.

Today might be gardening day if this dry sunny spell keeps up. I can’t say I’m in the mood for gardening but I guess I’ll never be, so I might as well just get on with it. It generally tends to cheer me up once it’s done.

My dad still hasn’t sent my microphone through the post so I’m unable to record music. Even if he had sent it by now the humidity has made it pretty unpleasant so I doubt recording would have been much on the agenda. I’m thinking of building a makeshift drum kit out of tins and plastic bowls to add a bigger percussion backing to the songs.

I loaded three White Stripes albums onto my iPod yesterday as I’ve been listening to different things lately. I’ve never been a massive fan of them but I thought I’d give them another go.

I might see if my registration with the local surgery has gone through so I can make an appointment with the doctor. I like to keep checking in and building up a case history in the event that my depression gets worse.

We shall see.

Crowds, cuddles and bubbles

I tried going to the Tramlines Festival yesterday in Sheffield but ended up getting a bit stressed by the crowds and hot weather. I wish my girlfriend had come with me as I felt very lonely amongst all the groups of revellers. Oh well. I guess it must have been a bit like the Edinburgh Festival, a whole city transformed into a party. I didn’t much like it. It didn’t help that there was a continental market on too which added to the chaos.

I don’t think I have the patience for the festival atmosphere. I like to go to a gig and know what to expect. Festivals are just full of people who aren’t into music, so it’s not the right setting at all if you appreciate it.

I’ve had a lazy morning watching Fellowship Of The Ring. I posted an entry on a forum last night claiming that The Two Towers and Return Of The King weren’t very good sequels, which I regret, so I’m making myself re-watch them to settle on a judgement.

My girlfriend has gone out to the shop to see if there are any nice treats for us both. We had lots of nice intimate cuddles this morning and even some fun as she had a bath. Mustn’t kiss and tell, but I’m still buzzing from it.

Eek, where’s Frodo? The Fellowship is breaking!!!

Beats or Barnsley?

Well yesterday we ended up going to Bakewell instead of Rotherham. I’m glad we did as Bakewell was lovely and we had a nice stroll around. We went to a local history museum and ended up getting very hot inside and had to leave to cool down. We made sure we had a slice of Bakewell Tart but also shared a Cornish Pasty, sausage roll and then had some chips and a spam fritter each. Basically we were a bit bloated by the end of the day.

The bus ride through the countryside was great, we’ve got such nice scenery right on our doorstep. We shall be going out into Derbyshire again, that’s for sure.

Today I might go to the Tramlines Festival in Sheffield. My girlfriend doesn’t want to go and might go to Barnsley for a wander round instead. I would like to go to the festival with her but she’s really not in the mood. I’m not sure what to do. There are a few things starting in the afternoon which I’d rather go to than things in the evening.

I am a bit worried about being tempted to drink, but I don’t think it’d be too bad if I had a couple. I’ll try to stick to my energy drinks as I know booze never heightens the experience anyway. Things just tend to get a bit messy.

Right, better go for a shower and work out what I’m going to do.

Facing life and finding a balance

Today we are going out for a daytrip to Rotherham. My girlfriend was born nearby and I haven’t been there at all. I’m not expecting much, but at least it will get us out of the house. Plans might change, however, as my girlfriend is getting excited about different local places to visit.

It has been an emotional week of deciding how to deal with various issues. I have made first contact with the local advice centre about my financial issues and my girlfriend has decided to pull out of OU for this year so she can deal with her anxiety. Our housemate is starting to take food and supplies again so we are making a list of what has gone missing so we can present it to her and ask for compensation. Doing it this way makes me feel less frustrated and helpless.

I have had to ring my dad to ask him to send my microphone in the post. By the sounds of it he never even read the email I sent last week. He’s a bit blonde sometimes. Hopefully I can start recording music again fairly sharpish.

My musical tastes are shifting away from Guided By Voices as I’ve been listening to them a bit too much. I’ve uploaded The Pigeon Detectives and The Hives onto my iPod, so basically I’ve fancied a bit of harder, faster rock.

The weather has gone from humid and sticky to heavy downpours. I wish it would find a happy medium somewhere.

I am looking forward to doing more things with my girlfriend and getting out more. I just hope we stick to the plan. Going out in the evening is the hardest to do, especially when you’ve settled on the couch.

Anyway, must dash.

Confrontations and revelations

Yesterday afternoon I got our housemate to apologise to my girlfriend for the stress she’s caused over the past week or so. Regardless of whether she wants to help herself or not (she couldn’t be bothered to wait around to make an appointment with the doctor this morning as she had to rush out and, well, do nothing) she has to know that she is upsetting others. The two of them had a chat but I don’t think they came to much of a conclusion. The housemate got the tears and attention she was craving and my girlfriend gave it up gladly. This will never end until some people find better ways of dealing with things.

I went to the Jobcentre today and had a chat with them about my job search. I keep telling them that with my eyesight getting worse I’m no longer sure what it is I can do with regards to employment and am concerned about going into an unsuitable work environment for health and safety reasons. They never have anything to say. They’re like robots. They have their little speeches to make and boxes to tick. One day I’ll have an appointment to see a Disability Employment Advisor, but that seems to take forever to arrange. I’m not sure if I’m even on the right benefit, but nobody’s telling me anything different. I need advice from a third party, I think.

I might contact Alcoholics Anonymous as, whilst I haven’t drank since February, it’s a constant struggle to fight temptation. With new stresses and worries coming up I am worried that I might fall off the wagon. Who knows. I shall try and register with the local doctor and try and pre-empt any problems.

I want to record some music but I still need a microphone. I’ve emailed my dad asking him if it’s still at his house but he’s not replied yet.

A friend emailed me to say that him and his wife are having a baby. This news was quite a surprise and reminded me of how careful I need to be in not feeling like I’m trapped. I’m concerned my life is starting to stop moving forward again. I keep taking my tablets but the atmosphere of negativity around here is overwhelming.

I shall just focus on what I enjoy… my music. It always makes me feel positive thinking about it. I hope I can get recording soon, for my own sanity.

This afternoon I am going over to see my girlfriend in work. I might fill out the forms to register at the surgery while I’m there. I find it hard to fill out forms at home. It’s just the wrong environment.

Anyway… onwards!!

Craft fair, fairly crafty

Had a mixed bag of a day yesterday.

My girlfriend and I went to a craft fair in town and met up with one of her friends. I was a little out of my depth amongst the stalls so I went for a quick bite to eat as I’d not done so all day. Once my girlfriend and her friend had finished at the fair we went for a walk and had some good chats. Her friend seems nice and we all managed to get a lot off our chests… which we hadn’t planned to do but we all seemed to open up and talk about personal stuff.

We might all meet up for a pub quiz next week. A bit of “coupling” no less. Has it come to this? Oh I’ll just let the wave of maturity carry me.

Later on yesterday we found a message on the house phone from my girlfriend’s housemate saying she had overdosed on anti-depressants and wanted a chat. We got the message five hours late and weren’t quite sure what to do as we didn’t have a contact number for her. A few minutes later the hospital called to say that she’d been taken in for a check up, but that she was fine.

We’re not quite sure how to handle it really as it seems like a bit of attention seeking from somebody who makes a living from seeking attention. I know that sounds harsh, but there’s no other way to describe it. She seems good at soaking up other people’s addictions and ailments (monkey see, monkey do etc) so we’ve just recommended she goes to the doctor and tells them what’s been going on. It’s hard to address somebody’s problems when they don’t appear to have any.

We’ve tried everything else and just get abused in return. This time we’ll keep our distance.

Today we’re going to have a rest and do some washing. We had a Chinese takeaway last night and there’s still a whole mushroom chow mein in the fridge which we’ll share later.

Police... Barnsley... Action!!!

My girlfriend’s housemate disappeared last night after splitting up with her boyfriend. We got a couple of angry messages from her on the house phone saying she was going to try walking back but, by morning, there was no sign of her.

We decided to call the police and report her as missing. A nice policeman came out and had a chat with us and took some notes.

Later on in the morning we got a call from one of the housemate’s usual haunts saying that she was there and safe so my girlfriend had a chat with her.

The search has been called off and everyone is back home.

We are a bit worried about the housemate’s (now) ex-boyfriend who seems like a nice guy and has problems with depression too. Even though the housemate wants nothing more to do with him my girlfriend and I will try and stay in touch so he’s not isolated. He’s been messed around a bit.

The day has been horrid and humid. We went to Barnsley after all the excitement with the police and had a wander around, but it was too stuffy and hot to do too much. We bought some herbs and I got some new shoes.

We are both very tired now after not sleeping well and having such a stressful day. This calls for an early night I think.

I might elaborate tomorrow.

Heat exhaustion, anxiety and vertigo

It’s been an odd couple of days. My girlfriend has not been well so I’ve been taking care of her. It’s thrown everything else out of synch though so I’ll have to play catch-up later this week.

We think she has heat exhaustion, which I think a lot of people are suffering from. Her bowels are playing up and she feels unsteady on her feet. I had something similar a few months ago when I had my collapse. It’s best to keep hydrated and eat healthy and salty food.

I started getting myself a little organised yesterday, just to start dealing with things again. I will need to contact the local Citizen’s Advice Bureau etc and continue getting help up here. We shall see how things go. I hope I adjust ok and manage to take care of things. I’ve got to make sure I don’t bury my head in the sand again.

We both watched Vertigo last night, which I enjoyed. It’s a haunting film but best watched only now and again. Along with Psycho it’s definitely Hitchcock’s most visually interesting film.

Anyway, best go check on my girlfriend…

Farms, herbs and chinese food

We had a slow, slightly uncertain start to the day today. What with the extreme weather both hot and windy we weren’t sure whether we wanted to head out. In the end we ditched our plans to go to the Sheffield “On The Waterfront” festival and instead went to, I think, Healy City Farm and bought some nice herbs and had lunch.

I’m finding herbs more and more interesting and they remind me just how marvellous this planet is and how much we take nature for granted.

Never forget!!

On the way home we stopped off at a fair thrown by the local emergency services. We arrived just as it was ending but it looked quite well received and busy.

When we got home I made another chow mein which was a little nicer than Friday’s. I used the rest of our homemade herb infused olive oil marinade to fry the vegetables in. I’ve still got some left. Top notch!!

I fed Branston our guinea pig a carrot by hand, it’s cute watching him nibble away. I want to build up a better layer of trust with him, as he’s still a nervous little thing. Bobbie the rabbit seemed quite sedate, I don’t think she likes this weather and is napping a lot. She seems ok though.

My girlfriend is now on the phone to a family friend and I am trying to cool down after doing the dishes.

All in all, today has been most enjoyable.

The IT Crowd, Episode 3: “Something Happened”

An episode that only half works because the storyline about Roy being sexually assaulted by a sports therapist during a relatively straight forward massage isn’t as funny as it’s meant to be. This wrong turn has a knock-on effect on both Moss’ reaction to Roy’s recounting of the incident and the later courtroom finale… neither of which work because what happens to Roy can actually be quite upsetting in real life and Chris O’Dowd’s emotional performance is a little too convincing.

This apparent attempt to pay tribute to Chris Morris and Brass Eye has the unfortunate effect of slightly undermining the seriousness of sexual assault, rather than satirising media witch-hunting.

Occasional poor editing choices mean that a few other moments in the episode stumble, but apart from that Jen’s romantic storyline is classic IT Crowd stuff which didn’t deserve to be pitted against such a dark companion story.

What happened, Graham? I await his DVD audio commentary with anticipation.

A day of errands…

I was in quite a paranoid state yesterday. I’m wondering whether it’s to do with my higher dosage of anti-depressants. I kept worrying my girlfriend was angry at me for something or kept snapping at me for no reason, but I couldn’t be sure, so I stayed calm and kept smiling. I know I tend to get the wrong end of the stick. I had my patient and persevering head on.

I’m up early today waiting to take delivery of a parcel for my girlfriend. I think it’s a new swimsuit. I hope she gives me a demonstration when she gets home, yay!!

I have a few things to get sorted regarding moving up here… register with the local doctor (although they still might have my details from when I was last here), let the Jobcentre know I’ve moved, change my address with the council house office (since I’m still going to bid for properties) and have a meeting with the local CAB to carry on dealing with my issues.

I’ll be a busy boy. Priorities? Jobcentre and housing office. Then doctor, then CAB… I think, something like that.

I’m still listening out for the door!!!

We had a Chinese takeaway last night to celebrate my arrival. There’s a little leftover in the fridge which I will have cold for lunch later. Cool.

I think I’ve forgotten to bring up my microphone to record music with. I’ve got everything else here, including electric guitars, but I’ve forgotten the one vital piece of equipment which enables me to record. Perhaps it’s a good thing, I am terrible at doing it, eek!!

We’re expecting my gf’s housemate to return today so I wonder how the mood will shift. Will there be conflict? I’m not looking forward to the stress of that. Last time I turned to drink. This time I’ll make sure I handle it better.

The dishes need doing too.

Onwards!!

Journey north, ships that pass in the night and reunion

Well I managed to take all day packing yesterday even though I didn’t have much stuff. I think it was because my room was such a mess and I had to find a way of making things as compact as possible to fit in the car. I gave the place a quick vacuum as well and washed the sheets… to leave it “as I’d found it”.

Dad drove me up and we had some nice chats in the car. I think we talked more than we have done over the past five months that we’ve been living under the same roof. I guess we have our own lives to lead. I think more has been going on than he has let on, especially regarding his depression over his ex-girlfriend, so I hope he’s talking to somebody about it and not bottling it all up.

I got to tell him how I was dealing with things better and how I am being more positive about life. I’d like him to not worry about me and be glad that I am healing. He kept mentioning employment in other contexts but I know he was hinting that he wants me to get a job. I want me to get a job, but it’s not that simple right now, my eyesight is going fast and I’m not sure what I can do anymore.

We got to Sheffield about 9pm and he set off straight back down to Newmarket. Anna was a bit relieved as she was worried about him mentioning her weight. I almost asked him to watch what he says but he had his sensible hat on anyway. She doesn’t need to worry, she looks great.

We had a good sleep last night and some fun in the morning, which was a nice introduction. I think I’ll just keep telling myself I’m only staying here temporarily if I want to keep sane should things get difficult with her housemate again. Fingers crossed it won’t be as bad, but I’m not holding my breath.

I picked up my prescription yesterday and have started taking my new “double dosage”. I wonder if I’ll hit those initial lows again. Hope not.

Right, onwards and upwards!!

The nomad moves on, the adventure continues…

It looks like tonight might be my last night here in Newmarket. I shall check with my girlfriend when she calls next but, basically, dad’s agreed to drive me up to Sheffield tomorrow night after he’s finished work. He didn’t seem to have much to say about it other than to remind me to be packed and ready for when he gets home.

I’ve not been sure whether he’s been happy to have me over or not, he doesn’t usually say much about anything. I know he’s struggled to keep the house running since his girlfriend left and I’ve been worried that he’s only staying in this house because of me. Hopefully once I’ve gone he can move on. Who knows.

I’ll be worried about him alone in this big house by himself but he seems pretty settled with his new girlfriend and seems to enjoy going down to visit her in Essex. Maybe this situation will work better for him… a relationship at a distance.

I think I’ve finally warmed to this house, which is nice because until now I’ve mainly only had bad times here when I’ve stayed over due to depression. That’s good in a way, at least I’ll have happy memories if dad decides to pitch his tent elsewhere, somewhere smaller.

I think it takes about two hours or so to get up to Sheffield from here, but then again I’m not sure how quick it will be with the rush hour traffic. Maybe after six it will be ok.

My girlfriend will ring soon and I’ll make sure she’s cool with me coming up tomorrow. I hope this whole post hasn’t been for nothing.

I went to see the doctor today and I asked him for a letter supporting my case for council tax exemption for the house I’ve not lived in for a year and a half… and is going to be repossessed. He’s a good guy, it’s a shame I’ll have to change doctors again. He also prescribed me a higher dosage of anti-depressants because I’ve been worried that I’m acclimatising to the current dosage. I have had a lot of mood swings lately and have been slipping back into a morbid state of mind.

With any luck I can pack lightly tomorrow, I don’t think I’ve got much here apart from paperwork, a few clothes, me laptop and guitar. We shall see.

I wonder if it’ll be cooler up in Sheffield, lol.

PS
My girlfriend finally called and she said that it’s cool for me to come up tomorrow. She sounds very excited… so am I.

A day on the coals

It’s too hot to think or to do anything particularly constructive. I’ve mostly spent the day slobbing around and listening to music. I had a second shower later in the day and a shave because I felt really grubby and sweaty. I felt better for it… at least I won’t have to shave tomorrow morning.

I’ve listened to some different things today. Dinosaur Jr, The Dream Syndicate, The Replacements, Sonic Youth and At The Drive In. So lots of American post-punk alternative rock. I do like that sound. Can’t stand “classic” punk though.

I’m looking forward to going back up to Sheffield. I hope the situation with living with my girlfriend will be stable. Things are still quite tense between her and her housemate and I’m concerned about how things will be once I arrive. Tried it once and bailed. Fingers crossed things will be different this time.

I was going to do some washing today but I think I’ll leave it until tomorrow or later in the week. If I can get dad to drive me to Sheffield sooner than the weekend then I’ll need some fresh threads. Actually, that reminds me, I need to buy underwear and socks. Shall check the cheaper shops in town tomorrow.

I’ve got to sign on and see the doctor tomorrow. I’ll tell them that I’m going up to Sheffield and will need to sign on there from now on. I hope it’s an easy process, I’m not in the mood for difficult at the moment. I shall ask the doctor about my medical state.

I wonder if I’ll get the chance to do some music recording. I listened back to some of the vocals I recorded last week and I’m not sure what to make of them. They’re either utterly awful or very avant-garde. I’ll keep going with it and see how they sound with a full rock backing.

My girlfriend is on her own and so am I. I wish we could curl up in bed together.

I hope tomorrow goes ok, I’m not looking forward to sleeping.

I hope it goes well, please say it will.

The big lock-out

I travelled back down to Newmarket today and it was very hot on the trains. We had to change at Nottingham due to, erm, gawd knows what, but they made us hop platforms anyway.

Maybe they did it for a laugh.

I got back to the house and found that dad hadn’t unbolted the door and I couldn’t get in. I finally managed to get through to him at his girlfriend’s house and he came all the way up from Essex to open up for me.

It was either that or I spent the night on the patio, eek!!

I told dad that I’m going to go and stay with my girlfriend permanently but he didn’t seem too interested. He said he might be able to drive me up next week but he showed no other interest other than that. He’s such a warm bloke, lol.

I really am starting to get fed up with his true colours.

His sons are for life, not just for Christmas.

I guess I’ll spend the night trying to cool down and wake up after my journey.

I feel a little lonely and I miss my girlfriend.

Decisions, drains and aliens

I shall be heading back down to Newmarket for hopefully the last time tomorrow. I’ll try and get dad to drive me and my gear back up to Sheffield mid week or at the weekend where I will stay. I hope I’ve made the right decision. I shall keep looking for council properties and keep bidding, but since the waiting time seems indefinite I may as well make alternate plans. I need to check my post at the house and see if I have anything regarding it’s repossession. I have to make sure I’m not due in court over anything. I’ve got an appointment with the doctor on Monday so I’ll try and get letters regarding my health to send to the council and Jobcentre etc.

I went into town yesterday and bought some drain unblocker for the bath. It’s been filling up with water when we take showers. My gf says it seems to have worked when she tried it this morning, so that’s good. She seemed glad that I was helping even though I don’t live here. She likes having that support. I’m always happy to help.

I watched Alien 3 last night and my gf seemed to get into it, which surprised me. She wasn’t too fussed about the first two but slowly her interest began to grow as I watched it in the background as she read her book. It’s not an amazing film but it’s lyrical in places and the supporting cast is brilliant. I love Charles Dance… I must see if he does any audiobooks, his voice is just lovely. I’m curious to see if my gf will want to watch the rest of it as we only got up to the bit with them readying the trap for the alien.

I need a shower.

Leftovers

There is a bit of Chinese takeaway left over from last night… I’m hoping if I do one of my “special” dances I might be able to consume it, yay!!

Think I might try to make my own chow mein, it hardly seems like rocket science. Noodles, bean sprouts, soy sauce, onion, mushroom and a meat if required? I reckon that’ll work.

Not sure what we’re having today. After the cost of the takeaway yesterday I think a basic pasta from the pantry will be in order.

Going to search for jobs in supermarkets today I think. I’m just worried whether or not my eyesight will allow cash handling.

There will be new houses listed on the council website so I’ll check them out.

I’m hot, watching A New Hope and still need a shower. Argh!!

Power cut!!!

I had a bad start to the day today. I woke up feeling quite low and depressed so I decided to shut the world out. I stayed in bed until what I though was late afternoon but it ended up only being midday. Once I was up and dressed I began checking my emails etc when the power went out. It seemed like the whole estate had gone under as there were burglar alarms going off everywhere. There was nothing I could really do apart from sit around worrying about the freezer defrosting so I jumped on the bus into town… which was full of loonies today, let me tell you.

I started getting paranoid that I smelt bad but it just turned out to be my cap… which I will not wear again until it is washed.

Anyway, I’ve returned back to the house to find the electricity back on so I am picking up where I left off.

I had a real urge to drink this afternoon and was worried I would give in to temptation whilst in town, but after a few sandwiches and cola I felt ok. It’s best just to do anything other than drink, even if it means binging on food a bit.

Hope I get plenty of hugs from my girlfriend tonight as I didn’t see her much yesterday. I wonder if we’ll end up doing the gardening. I fancy another bbq, eek. I think we’ll just have pasta though.

Marigolds and rock & roll

I’m feeling creative but miles away from doing anything about it. I wish I had a recording kit in every port. I shall dig out my dictaphone to make lo-fi aesthetic recordings. Was singing in front of my girlfriend using my lower voice last night and she didn’t say anything. I assume if it sounded awful she would have complained and asked me to stop. Not sure. We might try singing together soon. It is fun doing stuff with her.

We might be going out to the pub tonight to a pub quiz with some of her friends from work. I’m not sure whether or not to drink if I go. I might be able to handle it, I’m not sure. Could just spend the night on energy drinks. That’ll disorientate me enough. Plus I’m not sure how awkward I’ll feel with them asking me about my job situation etc.

Feel a bit worried about things today. I’ve left my phone off and I think it’ll stay that way. I need to go back to the doctor to talk about things, I’m worried that I’m burying my head in the sand again. A higher dosage of anti-depressants perhaps? Maybe.

I’ve got a big pile of dishes to do. At least that’s something positive and constructive.

Shall get me marigolds on.

A weekend of festivities and fire

We had a nice busy day yesterday in Sheffield town. We went to a “green” festival where they had stalls celebrating an environmental, vegetarian and politically liberal consciousness. My girlfriend got wankered on half a pint of 10% home-brewed cider, lol. I resisted the temptation since I’m trying to kick the booze. God bless it.

We then went to a small scale craft fair in a hotel that was nice. It gave my girlfriend lots of ideas for making crafts of her own.

Then onto a watercolour exhibition in the Millennium Gallery. It was so dark (to protect the paintings) that I couldn’t see any of the work and my girlfriend found it difficult too. I had to use my guide cane throughout.

My girlfriend then had to go to work in town and I headed back to the house. There was a drunk man on the bus with his very young daughter. She kept crying because her father’s behaviour was frightening her. I nearly called the police. It was sad to watch, but hopefully a one off… he’ll have a bad hangover and lots to explain today.

Me and my girlfriend are having a bbq today, once she goes and gets the bbq that is. Tee hee. We have the meat, just not the fire.

My guitar up here is really out of tune. I think the heat has warped the strings. I don’t know where my tuner is but I’ll use an online tuner or something.

Will it be the hottest day today? We’ll see.

Rock, the blues and heat wave

I’ve been trying to record “proper” vocals directly over the song templates. Not sure how it’s going as I haven’t listened back yet. There’s so much to do and it’s so exhausting that I thought I’d just blitz record and then edit what works after the fact.

Since I ran out of anti-depressants at the weekend I’ve missed a couple of days so I’m worried that it’s already affected my mood. I have felt quite low over the last few days. I don’t think that would set in after missing so few though.

I’m off back up to Sheffield today. Not looking forward to the journey. It looks overcast so goodness knows how the weather will turn out. I’ll pack (heavily) for every eventuality I suppose.

I’ve been quite lethargic this week and not felt like facing much. That’s why I’m wondering if missing the medication has affected me. I’ve begun to feel despair again and morbid sometimes. Maybe being up with my girlfriend will make me feel positive about things. We both need each other.

Since it’s been so hot I’ve been staying in a lot and am worried I’ve put on weight. I do feel a lot bulkier. Oh well, it’ll cool off soon and I’ll be complaining about the cold.

The future feels uncertain again.

It burns

Heat… upon heat… upon heat…

I’m not enjoying this weather, where did it all go wrong? It’s making me very lethargic and insular.

I don’t think I’m getting enough fresh fruit and veg as my skin is getting a bit dry around the mouth. Shall stock up on me greens today.

I’ve not been facing things much this week. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve missed a couple of anti-depression or what. But I just want to hide in a bubble. Sleep forever. Be in my own high tower above the fire.

I’ve tried recording proper vocals directly over the song templates. Not sure how it’s going. My deeper voice sounds a lot more theatrical and immediate. Might not be musical though. I’ll plod on regardless.

My girlfriend’s been having problems but I’ve not been there to support her. There’s only so much you can do over the phone. She hung up on me yesterday when I was trying to give her advice. Sometimes it’s hard to get her to be constructive and positive rather than just going over the negative stuff in a circle.

Not heard anything about housing in Sheffield, might ring them and make sure I’m doing it right.

Maybe I should force myself out for a walk rather than staying in depressed. Face the sun. Face the sweat. Yuk.

Yes, I’m a little fed up with my lazy brain.

Tired and lonely

I’ve ended the day on a low but I’m not sure why. I feel aimless and lethargic, I just want life to roll over me. I could sleep forever.

Maybe I just need a nap, a shower, a shave and a few cups of coffee. So that’s what I’m heading for.

Ever have one of those days where you could just peel off your own skin and hide in a ditch? That’s where I am, folks. Icky-ville.

I should have got some stuff done today but, frankly, at no stage did I ever feel compelled to. I recorded some shit music tracks that will act as templates for better things… but since ultimately they will be deleted it was a pretty fruitless task.

Who knows, maybe sleep will do me good.

I just want to leave everywhere.

I’ve had enough.

Never mind, I’ll get over it… glass half full and all that.

Nighty night.

Making tracks

I’m back down in Newmarket and feeling lonely without my girlfriend. We parted this morning as she went to work, which was better because it meant she wasn’t alone after I’d gone.

The journey down wasn’t too bad as it wasn’t a Sunday (when I usually seem to travel) so I got back to dad’s house before 3pm. It helped that I left earlier, of course.

The weather has been a bit mental today and couldn’t seem to decide whether to be sunny or rainy. I got a good blast of both extremes.

My new cap is good for travelling on trains as it means I don’t get exposed to too much sun. No fainting this time.

I had a curry when I got in, a nice Beef Madras from Iceland. Dad hasn’t stocked up the fridge much but he is sticking to a healthier diet and avoiding ready meals and junk food.

I should do the same really.

I brought my recording gear down and did a test run earlier. I’ll record a basic “template” track of me running through each song on acoustic guitar and singing in my speaking voice then I’ll record a separate guitar only track and a separate proper vocal track. After I get all the songs recorded I’ll take the recording gear up to my girlfriend’s and do the electric guitar and bass parts. Not sure about percussion though, I could do with borrowing a drum kit and teaching myself some simple beats.

I just want a cuddle from my girlfriend. I wonder when we’ll see each other next. We have such a good time when we’re alone together. I hope this distance will shorten soon.

Burning bins, black pudding and performing arts

Our recycling bins were torched last night about 1am. The fire service came out but we slept through it. We phoned the police this morning and gave a statement. New bins have been ordered. My girlfriend is a bit shaken by it and is worried that she’s been targeted. I think it was just bored kids with matches.

I cooked up a nice black pudding, egg and cheese club sandwich for lunch and took one over for her at work. We had a nice chat and a cuddle. Hope she doesn’t get too anxious about things.

We’re still going to the theatre tonight but she might cancel at the last minute. It all depends on how she feels after work. She might just want to stay in and keep an eye on the house. I don’t mind staying in, I’ve got a long journey ahead of me tomorrow.

I’ve phoned the Jobcentre about a couple of jobs… one’s through an agency (sigh) and one is only two mornings a week. I’m not sure whether to bother. I’ll ask my girlfriend and see what she thinks.

Queues, cues, dvds and melting sausages

Queued up for tickets to the Alice dress rehearsal at the Crucible this morning. There were more people there than I expected… some taking it a little too seriously and barking into their mobile phones. All pointless of course because the rehearsal was cancelled and we were offered discount tickets for upcoming previews. Shall be going tomorrow in scruffs... might polish me tatty trainers though, hehe.

Having another barbeque tonight. Hope the weather holds as it keeps getting cloudy. I’ve taken sausages out of the freezer and left them in a bag outside to defrost. Not sure if that was a good idea, eek.

Went to the Jobcentre today to look up vacancies using their snazzy touch-screen terminals. There was an irate customer in there who had to be escorted out. A bit of drama. I found a few jobs to phone up about, so we’ll see.

I bought a hat to wear in the sun. I’ve been meaning to get one for a while as it helps me to shield the sun out of my eyes. My girlfriend likes it but wants one for herself and keeps trying to pinch mine, lol. It’s like a baseball cap but not so, erm, townie. Not that I’m clued up about such things.

I bought Spielberg’s War Of The Worlds and Michael Mann’s Collateral on a twin dvd for £5 from HMV today which was a pretty good deal. Charity shop price, that. WOTW isn’t supposed to be great but I like Spielberg and am amazed I haven’t seen it yet. There must be something half decent in there.

Onwards!!

Spices etc

Had a heavy curry last night which knocked me out for the rest of the evening. Spent last few hours of the day leaden on the sofa listening to me iPod.

My girlfriend wanted an early night after last night’s activities but things got a bit overheated again. A fingers only session. It felt nice taking it slow which I found easy as I was fairly tired but knew I wouldn’t get to sleep straight away. She got very talkative afterwards and it seemed to cheer her up. She gets worried that she isn’t sexy anymore but doing things like that boosts her confidence. She is so sweet and doesn’t need to worry about her appearance.

Got to go into town today to pick up a guide cane as my last one broke. They’re very handy with a roller-ball tip.

Going to meet my girlfriend after she finishes work as she’s stationed in town today.

Hope it’s not too hot outside, I’m not in the mood for humidity again.

Up north, lethargy, music and sex

Feeling a little bit lethargic today. Slightly down. Lacking the desire to achieve goals. Just want to slob about which I know isn’t good.

My girlfriend and I have been taking it easy over the last few days so I think that change of pace and intimacy has slowed me down.

We made love last night and it was very passionate. Very hot and sticky. Very fun. Gets me excited just thinking about it. We’re still turned on by each other a great deal. I love her so much.

I’m not sure when to go back down to Newmarket. I want to stay in Sheffield as long as I can but I need medication before the weekend.

I’ve put some bids in for council flats which I’ll hear about after Tuesday. Or not, I’m not sure how long it all takes really. I don’t know whether or not to be excited.

I played electric guitar earlier which was fun. I really want to record some songs but the logistics of getting it done is rather tricky. I need to do it soon though just in case everything has to go. Well, it does all have to go, but I want to record before that.

Feel like a slob but maybe that’s just because I’m hanging around in my underpants as my clothes have been in the wash, lol.

Just feel like taking it easy, but that scares me sometimes. We’re going to do more gardening and housework this week. I think. Weather and mood permitting, of course.

Collapse

I had a bit of a dicky tummy as I was setting off to bed last night and then in the middle of the night it was quite painful and I headed for the loo.

On the landing in-between my bedroom and the toilet I became dizzy and collapsed to the floor, then I wasn’t sure where I was for a few minutes.

I managed to get to my feet and carry on with what I was doing but was having cold sweats and shaking quite badly.

I’m not sure what it was all about. I had been travelling in the heat and rain a lot yesterday and was quite fatigued. Perhaps it was just a tricky bowel movement, I’m not sure.

I was worried it might be mild stroke or something.

Bury bound

I’ve got to hop on the train to Bury St Edmunds tomorrow for an appointment. I don’t think I’ve been there before but I wish it was in Cambridge, which is sort of equidistance from where I live and more familiar.

I always get a bit nervous before I have to go to a new town or city and have no idea what to expect. I’ve been trawling Google Maps to make sure I know where I’m going.

Fingers crossed the savvy locals don’t enjoy hoodwinking young impressionable country boys such as myself... I don’t want to get mixed up with seedy sex traffickers or pill popping revellers.

I’ll make sure I stop off for a black coffee and an egg butty or two.

If I don’t make it back I want my collection of belly button fluff to be donated to medical research!!

Art or product… what’s in a name?

So when does a band no longer become that band? What defined them in the first place? Was it the frontman, the key musicians, the songwriter or simply the owner of the brand copyright?

The most recent Guns N Roses album was deemed by many fans and critics to be merely an Axl Rose solo album with the Guns name printed on it. Surely there’s no GNR without Slash? But then again Velvet Revolver was essentially GNR without it’s frontman and voice but nobody seemed to make a fuss about the name there… although there was a wry smile on the faces of those who knew.

Oasis had a constantly shifting rhythm section for over a decade but it didn’t seem to matter as long as you had Liam and Noel present… the voice and the “songsmith”. Was it the shambling original Defiantly Maybe members that endeared a nation or the seasoned professionals that joined later on? Did it matter? The last two of their albums were filled up with more and more non-Noel Gallagher songs, so was his input so crucial anymore?

And what of the pop diva troupe Sugarbabes that has non of it’s original members in it’s current line-up? I assume non of them ever wrote songs and non of them are musicians (apart from their voices). So does the person fronting the group/band even matter so much if they can all be lifted out and replaced? Could you have had the Spice Girls with anybody involved just as long as they had catchy nicknames?

Queen are at least being fairly honest about the state of things and separating themselves in name from their new “voice”. They bill themselves as Queen + Paul Rodgers nowadays, which feels a little more respectful to the memory of Freddie Mercury.

In 1996 Guided By Voices split up and Robert Pollard continued the brand with a backing band consisting of an existing group called Cobra Verde. So was this the band Cobra Verde with a new frontman or a solo project by Pollard under the banner of GBV? But then again had GBV always been Robert Pollard with a constantly shifting backing band? Is he the heart and soul of the group?

A few British bands from the 80s have been fighting for ownership of their brand during the recent nostalgia craze. Cash has been available for old favourites from the past to reform but since a lot of them split for bitter money reasons they now have to slightly re-name themselves as if becoming their own covers band… just with actual original members.

In film you have a similar issue with the “auteur” director. Stanley Kubrick was drafted in to direct Spartacus at the last minute but his mark is nowhere to be seen. He was just a director for hire. Spielberg has a very distinctive visual style but has been working with the same composer and editor for most of his career, so how much of his craft is down to them?

There’s also the nagging issue of regional identity where a film is largely made in a certain country with local talent but will forever be know of as an American film due to the financing. Look at the first two Alien films, basically British films which always turn up on Top Greatest American Films charts. The same could be said about the rush of films made in Australia in the late 90s and early 00s. The Matrix and Star Wars prequels were handled by crews down under, are we to forget their imprint?

There is a central creative force in all these examples that makes a band or a film what it is. The writing and the inception often has a point of origin and is picked up by a trusted team to flesh out it’s creation. Mainstream media is a collaborative process after all, even great historical artists often had a group of assistants working for them while they simply directed the piece. In some instances though it is just a legal matter that defines a creative brand. These instances are often fairly cynical affairs and those dedicated to the purest form of that endeavour may not be convinced by an exercise in naked profiteering.

I suppose an individual who enjoys a piece of creative work must decide how it is defined… and whether it really matters. In the digital age the importance of cover art is shown up for what it is when a listener or viewer is left with just the music or film. Did it ever really matter how it was packaged, or were we just told it mattered?

The debate continues!!

Collected thoughts on Guided By Voices

I’m obsessed with GBV now.

I can’t work out whether it’s the vocals, the melodies, the lo-fi production or the energy and spirit that leaks out of every single song that’s captured me.

I love the confidence they had to just put out EVERYTHING. That even a track consisting of just a discarded bass line has made it to one record. Now that’s brave. I could never “rate” one of their albums like I would with another band as they seem to defy criticism. Part of the aesthetic and art of what they do is to put you on a rollercoaster of musical experiments… the fact that they fail is often why they work. It’s all part of the experience.

Some of the melodies feel like a throwback to a Beatles style simplicity which is quite endearing. Then they’ll chuck in a disturbing and hypnotic experiment which throws you off track.

I think Robert Pollard has the most perfect rock voice, I could listen to him just reading the phone book (actually that might appear on one album, lol). There’s a demo track where he introduces it and his lovely smooth Ohio drawl is just so yummy. It’s suck a nice moment as he laments “I’m not sure what’ll happen with this, but…” and then cracks on with singing it. Very nice.

I sometimes sit their listening to them wondering if it’s all just nonsense and I’m a fool for loving it so much. Are they just a crap pub band who got lucky or cult genius’ who will never get the mainstream recognition they deserve?

Probably a bit of both.

There’s just so much of it to listen to, so many albums, so many rarities collections. I’ve been listening to them for two years now and I’ve still only bought half their output… and I’ve got seven albums and a four disc rarities box set (the first of three).

That said, the fairly consistent set of original floating band members dissolved after their ninth album Under The Bushes Under The Stars and unofficial (and now seemingly rare) fanclub-only album Tonics & Twisted Chasers. After these releases the Guided By Voices brand seemed to lose it’s grounding and Robert Pollard even had the new line-up go into a proper studio with an experienced producer to record Do The Collapse where Teenage FBI features.

They recorded Under The Bushes Under The Stars in professional studios but those results sound a little more pure and retain the rough edge that makes them so interesting. Do The Collapse sounds like an eerily well produced thing with big silences and clean audio tracks. GBV albums are usually full of mistakes and atmospheric hissings and the sound of band members stumbling about the place drunk, lol. It’s a very weird listen, far too clean shaven for me.

I think Bob took the soul of GBV into his solo work which began after the old line-up said goodbye, so I might follow that instead. I’ve still got two Suitcase boxsets to chase up though, so my journey isn’t over yet… I hope.

I’m a geek for it all. But I know one day I’ll pass through it and move on, I’m not looking forward to that day.

Home alone in a storm

Dad’s gone off to Paris for the weekend with his new girlfriend and I am, essentially house-sitting… even though I was going to be here anyway, lol.

The weather has finally turned and it’s now really grey and rainy and windy outside. A bit gloomy but at least the oppressive heat has gone.

I made some important calls on Friday to claim voluntary repossession of my house. Now I think I just have to sign some forms to that effect. Need to go over to my house to pick them up.

Financial problems are deepening but at least I won’t be in limbo anymore. Me and my girlfriend want our lives to move rather than be stuck in an uncertain fog.

Who knows where all this might lead.

I’m boiling rice for a curry. Not sure what the kormas from Iceland will be like but I’ll give it a go. I usually prefer slightly spicier ones, but I’m open minded.

Been listening to Guided By Voices a lot. My friend’s new band sounds like them, I am a little envious. I wish my throat would clear up so I can sing properly. I want to start recording again.

I’ve sent off a housing form to Sheffield to get a council place. I will also apply to a local residential college. Fingers crossed I’m not living on the street in a years time. It wouldn’t surprise me though.

My dad and I are chatting a bit more, I’m hoping he has relaxed a little and knows I am staying off the alcohol. The tablets must have kicked in and are doing my head good, I’m not getting such drastic lows. We’ll see.

A summary of sorts

left my job after eight years in August after being off sick with stress and depression for a year. They weren’t too keen to find me a new job internally and I wasn’t too keen on returning to work in London and didn’t like being tied to a job I no longer wanted.

During being off I tried to sell my house in Cambridgeshire but, because of a small print problem, nobody can get a mortgage on it and, apparently, I shouldn’t have been able to get one for it either.

I was staying with my girlfriend up in Sheffield between 2008 and 2009 whilst trying to sort things out but, because of money drying up and issues with where she’s living, I’ve been having to stay with my parents since December. Mum first, now dad.

Since the house sale fell through this February I was planning on moving back in and finding a job locally but work hasn’t been particularly forthcoming and, to be honest, I want to be back in Sheffield with my girlfriend.

The next mortgage payment will be the third I’ve missed and all the other bills are having to wait. I’ve decided to let the house get repossessed as, well, it won’t sell, I can’t afford it and I don’t want it.

I’m hoping to get a council flat up in Sheffield so that me and my girlfriend can be closer together. I might have to be declared bankrupt because of all this but, after nearly two years of living in a state of limbo not knowing what’s going to happen to me, I want an end to this stage of my life and to start afresh.

I’ve been talking to the CAB about all this and I’m getting good advice and support. Plus I’ve just told my dad what’s going to happen so hopefully he can offer help where he can.

I’ve been practically homeless since December and am looking forward to finally moving my life forward, rather than just floating in an uncertain mist.

I just want to be where I feel at home with the person I love, even if it means everything else is taken away.

Against doctor's orders

Well a couple of weeks ago I thought I had come down with flu, complete with a nasty sore throat. Two weeks later the sore throat persisted and I could feel lumps down there, so I thought it might be a good idea to see the doctor.

The morning before setting off to Sheffield to stay with my girlfriend for me birthday the doctor said I had a “quinsy” which is a pustule infection (not the crime solving dead person poker as seen on telly) that could inflame and close off the throat, eek!

He tried to refer me to a local hospital for surgery and spoil my travel plans as apparently it was a “same day emergency” but I said, much to his annoyance, that I didn’t know where the local hospital was but did know where the Sheffield one was which is where I was on my way to.

He said ultimately it was up to me and so I gambled on not dying within the next few hours and jumped on the train up north.

I met my girlfriend and we went to the hospital together where I was told I only had tonsillitis and was given some antibiotics and advised to get painkillers (good idea).

So I spent my birthday weekend shoving pills down my aching throat and not being able to kiss my lovely girlfriend (we did sneak a couple though, complete with disclaimer from me just in case she caught it).

Then, as if that wasn’t enough, on my birthday I had diarrhoea which has yet to cease. Yay!

Maybe next year will be less painful.

It was all worth it just to see my girlfriend for a few days though, so there was a plus side.

On the "Nebraska" cutting-room floor

I’ve been struggling with Bruce Springsteen for a while now. I think it’s because the sound of the E Street Band and him together is quite campy and a little too “big band” for my tastes. His great early works almost seem to have the flavour of Broadway musicals. I think that’s how I shall approach them from now on: as pieces of pure theatre rather than rock and roll. A bit like Rufus Wainwright, who I adore.

Anyway, the one Springsteen album I have really warmed to is “Nebraska” which is stripped down acoustic fare. It’s an immensely beautiful album and undeniably powerful in it’s simplicity. Well I read that a demo of “Born In The USA” had been recorded at the same time as the other “Nebraska” tracks and in the same style. So I went looking for it.

On Springsteen’s b-sides and rarities collection “Tracks” is this acoustic “Born In The USA” and what a gem it is. Shorn of it’s later keyboard and gruff ugliness, this acoustic (although there is a little electric guitar in there too) demo is simply another beast altogether. A lot more dignified than the album/single version (that we all know) would come to be.

Marvellous...

The negative Robin Hood reviews

The bad reviews I keep reading for this Ridley Scott/Russell Crowe version of the Robin Hood myth are just making me want to go and see it more.

The problem most American critics seem to have is that it isn’t the “classic Hollywood” treatment of the tale… with tights, pointy shoes and stick fights over rivers. The problem with that is that there never was a set story to betray and I think what Rid and his team have tried to do is show us what did happen back then and from that work out where the legend came from.

But since the now rather tired series of events that is apparently the “set” Robin Hood legend is all that is fixed in the American consciousness it ain’t going down too well over there.

I get the feeling British reviewers sick of the same old plot mechanics will favour this retelling.